The Art Of Vulnerability

As we redefine what we desire in intimate relationships, it's important that we introduce vulnerability as the true magnetic connector that it is. While vulnerability has been treated as a weakness for centuries, this is actually part of the definition of "being intimate": a place where you can share your deepest and truest self. But because this has not been taught to us or modelled for us, it is something that we must learn, connect with, and trust.

Let's explore how to connect with our vulnerability personally, and then how this can create amazing and close bonds with others.

Transcript

So today we're talking about the art of vulnerability,

Which to me is really the core of true intimacy.

So why do I want to talk about this?

Why do I want to talk about how intimacy works in true intimate relationships?

Because it's new.

The idea of being truly vulnerable with a romantic partner,

This is not part of our history.

Historically,

We got married because we wanted to leave the house.

You know,

We got married because it was a good idea.

Maybe we had similar life goals.

Maybe it was financial.

If we go back far enough,

Maybe it was just an agreement between our father and another man.

Or,

I mean,

Depending on what gender we are.

If we go back far enough,

Right?

It was almost an economic agreement that land would be transferred and you will get a dowry.

So when you really think of the history of where intimate relationships have come from,

They weren't really about choosing someone who you could be vulnerable with.

And this is important.

Like it's really important to understand the foundation that we come from so that we don't beat ourselves up so much.

You know,

Because sometimes we can think,

Yeah,

I don't know why I always choose people because and they're never safe or it's always hard to get close.

And so we kind of beat ourselves up.

But the reality is,

It's where we came from.

And of course,

Historically,

Marriage was often about creating some kind of unit where you could have children who could help you on the farm,

Where you could have a position in society so that you weren't alone.

Right?

There's a lot of reasons why we end up or choose to be in intimate relationships.

And I'm not so sure very often it's because,

Wow,

I really feel like I can be vulnerable with this person.

Now,

It could,

Especially in modern day,

When I say modern day,

I mean,

Maybe the last 50 years or maybe even before,

Because there were always exceptions.

There's always those times when you meet someone and you think to yourself,

I just feel I could tell them anything.

I don't know what it is.

I just instantly feel so close to this person.

That does happen.

And then you know you're onto something.

And then for you,

This whole talk may be irrelevant because you're like,

Yeah,

I've just always felt like that.

So those are the exceptions.

But far and wide,

That's not it.

I mean,

For me,

I got married just over 30 years ago.

We were married for 20 years,

Had two children,

Bought a dairy farm,

Did the whole,

You know,

Intense couple working together thing.

I got married when I was 23.

What did I know about vulnerability or tantric intimacy or the potential?

Truly what I really wanted was for someone to love me.

I wanted to start that life that everybody told us about.

And I found somebody who I was attracted to and who loved me back.

And I loved him.

Was he emotionally vulnerable?

No.

Was I?

No.

We were just so high about getting married and starting our life and doing the whole thing.

And to be also fair to ourselves,

There are other circumstances afoot.

Two weeks after I met who would once become my husband,

My mom got diagnosed with cancer.

And for the first three years of our relationship,

Which included getting married and even becoming pregnant with our first child,

My mom was dying of cancer.

I'm not necessarily building a foundation of my relationship based on my ability to be vulnerable.

And yet think of that.

Think of that,

That it seemed like I was able to be vulnerable because I was able to cry with him over my mom and he was there for me.

It's interesting that on some level I was able to be vulnerable in a difficult time.

But much later,

After the crisis was over and life happened,

Not so much.

You sort of bring up something and you're like,

You know,

This is really bothering me.

And all of a sudden everybody's defensive,

Right?

It's a whole other world.

And I don't want to paint my ex-husband in any picture like that because he's a wonderful person and we're still great friends.

But we were young and we were unconsciously living out the patterns of our parents,

Right?

Living out the patterns of maybe our own karmic patterns and lifetimes.

Who knows?

But the reality is vulnerability wasn't on the forefront anyway.

So talking about this and trying to integrate it into our intimate relationships,

Especially if we've been in one for decades,

This is a bit of a challenge.

And yet it's so worth it,

If it's possible.

And if maybe you would like to be in a relationship where you can be open and honest and truly vulnerable like that,

Then that's what we're going to talk about too.

So what do I actually mean by vulnerability?

How would we define it?

For the sake of our talk,

I'm going to define vulnerability as when we have our guards are down,

Our heart is open,

We feel raw,

And it feels a little risky.

We're not telling a story.

We're not telling you a story from our past that hurt us or something like that.

Maybe that's interesting.

But we're telling it because in this moment,

I'm feeling very raw.

And I'm not trying to put on airs and I'm not trying to use my brain to cover up or tell something that would make you happy or make you understand.

I'm actually just sharing from my heart.

And this is scary.

And it should be scary.

Because not only were our relationships historically not based on vulnerability or trustworthiness,

Neither was society.

How often did we have people close to us in our life where we could just open our hearts like that,

And it was safe.

Again,

There are exceptions to this rule,

Thank goodness.

But for the most part,

Even the most well meaning people can squish that.

Like for example,

We have a desire to help each other and fix each other.

So I might say,

I'm just feeling so sad today.

I'm just things are coming up from my past and they're kind of rolling around and I'm just feeling so emotional.

So I've just shared this vulnerable piece,

For example.

And someone,

A friend,

A partner,

A parent might say,

Well,

You know,

You can't just think about this stuff.

You've got to just get on with it.

You know,

I mean,

You can't if you stay like this,

You're just going to ruin your whole day.

Like,

You know what,

Why don't you read a book or go for a walk,

Go and do something to make yourself feel better and or to find some way to truly,

Deep in their heart,

They want to help.

But deep in their heart,

They're uncomfortable with vulnerability.

They're uncomfortable with their own vulnerability.

And therefore they don't realize because they haven't connected themselves there,

That you're just stating a fact.

This is just it doesn't need to be corrected,

Doesn't need to be changed.

I don't need your advice.

I don't need your intellectual philosophies to try to change my mind.

I'm just being open.

But the problem is,

And so that's just even with someone who's well meaning,

Who just wants you to feel better.

And then there are others that are like,

Wow,

I mean,

You show your underbelly,

They're going to bring it up later.

They're going to use it against you.

They may even gaslight you with it,

They may actually use that vulnerable bit of information in a really bad way.

I remember one time,

I had a friend,

And we would often go to these tantric retreats,

Or we'd be there at the same time.

And these these retreats,

You would just be like pouring your heart out,

Like just expressing all these really deep,

Rooted pain and traumas and struggles.

And we'd gone to a couple of these independently,

But we'd been there,

We'd become friends.

And one day,

We had an argument.

And it was around intimacy,

Because one of us didn't want it,

The other one did,

And so it got a little heated around that intimate question.

And then he came to me one day,

And he said,

Well,

I think I know what your problem is.

And he took all these deeply vulnerable things that he had heard me share in the bubble space of these retreats.

And he wrote a little story about why I didn't want to sleep with him.

And it was a very cruel thing to do.

It was a very horrible thing to do.

And for me,

In that moment,

I realized that he could never be safe.

He actually,

I couldn't share that part of myself with him,

Because for some reason,

He didn't understand that those were sacred things I was sharing.

And that was sort of it.

And we did remain friends after,

But there was always a bit of different distance,

That even for the intimacy of friendship was no longer possible,

Because he couldn't be my confidant.

Because I knew that somewhere in him,

He was kind of adding it to like a weird arsenal that he would someday use against me if I dare said no or something,

You know.

So it's an interesting thing.

We have to so a lot of us have experienced things like that even being mocked,

Or punished for being vulnerable or sad when we were children.

So we have to really give ourselves some kindness here.

If vulnerable being vulnerable is hard for us.

What also is interesting when we look at relationships,

Abraham Maslow was a psychologist many,

Many years ago,

And he had something he called his hierarchy of needs.

And he basically said that the human being will always,

He was all he was very interested in what motivated human beings to do something or to go after something.

And he said that the primary motivation in a human,

If they don't have it,

Will be to find food,

Food,

Air,

Water,

Basic physiological needs.

Once you have that,

Then you'll be motivated to find safety.

Once you have that,

You'll be motivated to seek out love and connection.

Once you have that,

You will be motivated to seek out self-esteem,

Pride,

Success,

Position in society.

And once you have succeeded in that,

You will seek self-actualization.

The higher,

What am I really here for?

What is my soul here for?

And this is an old hierarchy.

And even he says,

It's not cut and dry.

You might be a certain percentage in this motivation,

A certain percentage in this motivation,

Like it's not clear.

But what's really interesting about this desire for true vulnerability,

The reality is,

Is if we're walking around concerned,

And if let's imagine your partner,

Even let's just imagine your current partner or a future partner.

If that partner is worried about how to pay the bills or how they're going to put food on the table,

They're probably not motivated to seek deep intimacy because there's a primal need that is chewing away at them.

If you're living in a place that isn't safe,

For some reason,

Maybe even your home was burglarized or something,

Or something happened in the community and now suddenly you're like,

All alerts are up.

Vulnerability may not be on the table,

Or maybe that was their childhood,

That it wasn't safe.

And therefore relationships aren't safe.

Vulnerability isn't necessarily going to be interesting for them.

Then love and connection.

So here we might think to ourselves,

Ah,

Here's where we might seek vulnerability.

But is it?

Or are we actually just seeking human connection of any kind?

Is this where we're seeking companionship and someone that maybe we say,

Oh,

I love you.

Well,

I can say that I love you and still not be vulnerable with you and still genuinely love you.

Someone doesn't have to be this heart open person in order to love us.

They actually may genuinely love us with every cell of their being,

But for whatever reason,

They can't be vulnerable.

Not yet anyway.

So that desire for love and connection may still not be the desire for vulnerability.

What if the desire for vulnerability comes more in the self-actualization?

That you are in this place where you're like,

I have people around me.

I'm safe.

I have food.

I have a career.

I feel content,

But I think my soul is just going through the motions.

I would like to bring my soul out to play.

I would like to share my deepest self with someone or many people.

That is a very different desire that I actually want to expose something that has nothing to do with my role,

My success,

My gender,

Nothing.

It's just me in my most raw and open state.

That's different.

So it's just interesting to kind of be gentle with ourselves and our partners,

Because this may not even be a desire in someone.

Right?

I remember years ago when I was divorced and I was dating,

That's kind of the only question I would ask people.

I loved dating on Tinder.

So I would always treat Tinder like my opportunity to meet people.

It wasn't really a dating app.

It was a meeting app for me.

That was my chance to go out for coffee with someone and to be able to tell whether I'd even want to be friends with this person,

Let alone be intimate or have a long-term relationship with them.

So one of my very first questions would always be,

You know,

Are you looking for deep connection,

Emotional connection?

Well,

They either went,

Yes,

Or they looked at me like I was a looney tune and,

You know,

Ran the other way.

It was a really easy litmus strip,

You know,

And some people said they did.

That's what they wanted.

But then you could see their legs kind of,

You know,

Dancing underneath the table.

Hoping I didn't see through their charade.

But it's interesting.

It's interesting to choose a partner because they too want to go on a spiritual journey.

They want to explore something deeper than the roles and the companionship and the security and even perhaps wanting children and all those kinds of things.

Like to really understand that there are many,

Many reasons we go into relationship.

Sometimes we just want a family.

And this other person is a brilliant person to raise children with or have children with.

Then there's nothing wrong with that.

Right?

This talk is all about if you desire this deep intimacy,

How do we get there?

And how do we understand some of the roadblocks?

So how do we do it?

Well,

The first step is that both partners have to be vulnerable.

This isn't one of those situations where one person is super vulnerable and the other person is in their masculine or something,

You know,

It's not like that.

Both people have to be able to open their hearts.

Because let's say you want to share,

You want to be vulnerable,

But your partner can't be for whatever reason.

They can't be safe with that level of intimacy.

Because if they could be safe with it,

They would be safe with their own level of intimacy.

If they are afraid to share their own heart,

Why are they afraid to share that?

What's blocking them?

Are they afraid of being judged?

Well,

If they're afraid of their own heart being judged,

That's their pattern.

So of course,

They will have a judgment when you share yours.

Right?

It's a pattern.

We either judge it or we don't.

So if I truly know that when I share from my heart,

When I share from my vulnerable self,

It isn't up for judgment.

It's just the truth.

As true as the wind is blowing or it's raining.

It just is what it is.

If I understand that,

And then you share something vulnerable.

And that's all that it is.

And I say this like it's easy.

But like,

Let's say,

For example,

I'm sitting with my partner.

And my partner has something he needs to say to me,

Because maybe,

Maybe I said something,

And then it upset him.

Maybe I was a little,

I wasn't careful enough.

Let's just say,

This actually happened.

A couple years ago,

We were out for dinner.

And I don't know what got in my head.

But I was just,

I don't know,

Going off about something.

And I thought I was all being really funny.

And later,

He sat down with me and he said,

I don't know how to say this,

But that really hurt my feelings.

You know,

He wasn't judging me.

He wasn't mad at me.

He wasn't punishing me.

He was just saying that that really,

That really hurt him.

It's not easy to hear that.

Vulnerability is easy when it's just open and it's not about you.

But what if it is about you?

And if you're in an intimate relationship,

There's a high chance it is about you.

So to actually be able to sit there and say,

Thanks for telling me.

That's hard to hear.

But I'm really sorry.

I really just got ahead of myself.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm so sorry.

Like,

To really be able to stay present,

You have to be comfortable with your own vulnerability.

Because you know how hard it is to share something.

And therefore,

I knew how hard it was for him to share that.

And so you almost have a certain respect for it,

You know.

But the truth is,

Becoming vulnerable with an intimate partner is a dance between the two of you.

Sometimes,

You know,

I'll hear people say,

Oh,

I'm always the vulnerable one.

I'm always the sharing my heart.

And my partner never does.

Or my,

You know,

Every person I've ever dated just isn't that like that.

And this is interesting,

Because we kind of have to check ourselves.

We have to ask ourselves,

Am I really being vulnerable?

And the question becomes,

In those times that I believe I'm being vulnerable,

Am I telling a story that I've already told before?

Am I telling a story I've already told two or three or four times?

Yes,

Maybe there was a time when this was a very painful story to share.

But if I'm sharing it multiple times,

It's just a story now.

It's not necessarily present day vulnerable.

It's an old story.

And then we have to ask ourselves,

Why am I telling this story?

Am I trying to put them off guard?

You know,

Am I trying or off center?

Am I trying to make sure that they realize they better not hurt me?

Is this a preemptive thing,

That I'm telling you right now that I'm going to tell you vulnerable things.

And I'm testing you.

I'm testing you.

Are you safe with this?

This isn't really vulnerability.

It's some kind of self-protective pattern.

So it's an interesting thing that even if you would consider yourself to be that vulnerable,

Open-hearted person,

Are you?

Are you really?

And so this is why it's a dance.

Let's take an imaginary situation.

Two people come together.

Let's say they met on Tinder.

And they both desire deep connection.

So they start dating,

And they start getting to know each other.

And they really enjoy each other's company.

And they really find each other to be very safe.

Right?

They're very kind to each other.

And then all of a sudden,

Something is kind of coming up for the one person.

And they're like,

Oh,

I don't know how to say this.

I don't know how to share this.

And the other person says,

It's okay,

You can share it.

And they're like,

Oh,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

In that moment,

The other,

The second person is going to look at them and say,

I promise.

I'll,

I just want to listen.

I want to be here for you.

I'm not going to react any weird ways or anything,

You know.

And then maybe that person has an opportunity to share something that is on their mind.

It's on their heart.

And it's very likely,

Again,

About the relationship.

Or it's about something from their past that is being triggered by the relationship.

That's one thing I've found.

I'm in a new relationship.

Many of you guys have met him.

And we've been together for almost four years now.

And coming into a relationship at this time of life is so different,

With such an intentional desire.

Every time we have had a tete-a-tete about something,

As we sit with it,

And as we allow ourselves to open and be more vulnerable,

Every single time,

It has gone back to some moment in childhood that we forgot about,

Where we were hurt.

Or we were neglected.

Or we were punished.

Or we were embarrassed.

Or we were ashamed.

Every single time.

This is shocking.

So now,

All of a sudden,

We have this opportunity to help this other person,

Who we love,

Uncover these little thorns living within their psyche.

These tiny little thorns that have maybe been there since they were eight years old.

And this experience in this relationship has triggered something.

Maybe even you've done something.

You've said something.

And the other person went,

Hey,

That's not nice.

And you're like,

Oh,

Well,

It's just because.

And they're like,

No,

But it wasn't nice.

And then you sit and you talk about it.

And you talk back and forth until all of a sudden,

Something is revealed.

What greater intimacy is that?

Like when we really say that I am in an intimate relationship with someone,

Unfortunately,

We think it means that I have sex with them.

Right?

And then we stop there.

Oh,

No,

But this is the person I have sex with.

And by law,

I will not do it with anyone else.

Or whatever.

Or you will because you have an agreement.

Whatever.

But theoretically,

We think that that's what an intimate relationship is.

And that's a problem because it makes it too small.

Real intimacy means that you literally can not literally,

I use the word literally too often.

We open our hearts to someone.

And they're safe to do that with.

Why are we opening our hearts?

So that we can go down into a place that maybe we've never gotten to go before and pull out one of those little thorns.

Because the crazy thing is with my partner and I,

If you've ever read my book,

Tantric Intimacy,

The beginning,

Whole beginning section,

The first section is all about love.

It's all about how to actually have this kind of deep connection.

And the second chapter is all about creating sanctuary for each other.

I think it's the second chapter.

And I tell stories about when I was raising my kids,

And my kids were two and four when I was sick,

And I had the breast lumps.

And I had,

This is when I had my awakening,

My entire world changed.

I had miraculous healing.

It's all written in my books.

And afterwards,

Part of the healing was learning to listen within,

Was learning to listen to my intuition so that I could guide myself to health,

Right,

To actually being free of these breast lumps,

And maybe even this legacy that has gone down the line of my mom.

So here I am,

The breast lumps are gone,

I'm healed.

And I have these little humans that I'm caring for.

Well,

I've been diving so deep into my own psyche,

And realizing how hard it was to hear my intuition,

To hear my inner guidance,

To hear what it was I was supposed to be doing.

I thought,

Wow,

There's like so many people up there.

Who am I supposed to listen to?

And now all of a sudden,

I'm supposed to guide these two little beings who are arguing about toys and nonsense and the dog and the cat and stuff.

And I realized that if I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to do,

How am I ever supposed to guide these guys?

And so whenever they had an issue,

Singularly or together,

We would go and sit on the couch,

Just like I did for myself when I was trying to understand what my next step was.

And we would sit there,

And I would listen to them,

And I would pray for guidance,

And I would listen,

And I would pray.

And when I say pray for guidance,

I mean I would ask a question,

And I would listen for guidance,

And then I would speak whatever came to me.

And we would sit on the couch until it was resolved.

My kids to this day,

Who are now 30 and 28,

Will joke with anybody and say,

Oh yeah,

Mom never punished us.

She just made us sit on the couch until we figured things out.

I was there with them on the couch.

Well,

This is also obviously how I do it in life with my partner or friends or anybody.

It's like,

No,

This is worth it.

Let's sit and talk about this.

Let's get to the bottom of it.

Nothing else matters right now.

Let's sort this out.

And you sit there,

And you listen,

And you ask for guidance,

And you listen,

And you stay with this person until you sort it out.

And the crazy thing is,

Every so often,

He would say to me,

Like,

Do you think we're done?

Like,

Have we sorted it out yet?

And all I would know was,

But I don't feel close to you yet.

Like,

I feel like there's a chasm between us,

And I don't feel like I could be vulnerable with you again.

And then we would sit there and breathe.

Sometimes he'd swear a bit.

Not at me,

Just at the situation.

And then inevitably,

He would throw his head back,

And he'd say,

I was 10 years old,

And this happened.

And then almost instantly,

The energy would change,

And we were together.

We were connected.

It was amazing.

It was almost like that was the thorn,

And now everything's fine again.

But there's two big aspects.

There's two big things that we have to do if we want to have this kind of deep heartfelt bond with another person.

The one,

The first one,

Is we have to be militantly kind.

And what that means is that the militant part is inside of us.

That no matter what,

We are kind.

Because the second we say one unkind thing,

The walls are up.

And if we're not careful,

They may stay up.

People talk a lot about trust,

How to build trust in a relationship.

And unfortunately,

Again,

In the same way that we think intimacy is about sex,

We think trust is about infidelity versus fidelity.

That's a whole other discussion.

If you really trust someone,

You know that they are all in.

They are completely there.

If you can't trust that they're always going to be kind to you,

Then you can't trust them.

It's that simple.

If someone says,

Yeah,

But most of the time,

Like 90% of the time,

I'm totally kind.

10% of the time,

I'm going to throw a zinger at you.

Like that is no different than someone who is physically abusive saying,

But 90% of the time,

I'm not.

Still have to have walls up because you don't know when the 10% is coming.

And so on a soul's level,

You can't trust them.

Kindness is so important.

It's probably the number one thing that people argue with me about when I'm teaching about tantric intimacy,

That this is absolutely foundational.

And it doesn't mean that it's a lost cause if you find kindness difficult.

What it means is that the moment you want to be unkind,

This is the entry point into the next journey.

What is happening right now?

Why are you lashing out?

Because whatever that is,

Is a key to open up something very vulnerable inside.

Something very vulnerable is behind that attack.

And this is now our journey.

So even the journey of kindness is an amazing bird's eye view into our inner psyche.

Why am I so defensive?

Why do I have to be right?

Why do I have to make you wrong?

Why do I have to make you feel bad?

Why is that?

The second thing is,

We have to be mature.

And this is a really big deal.

Because maturity means that I can see beyond my own needs.

Maturity means that I can see the big picture here.

I can see that there are two souls in this room.

Two people who are struggling right now.

Not just me,

Not just me and my needs and my hurt and my trauma and my challenges.

There are times for that.

Don't get me wrong.

There are times that it's okay that it's my time for healing and my partner or a friend holds space for that.

There is a time for that.

But I'm talking about truly vulnerable moments in an intimate relationship.

Maturity allows us to recognize what's happening.

It allows us to see the whole picture and not lose sight of that.

And to know,

I love this person.

I do want to resolve this.

Why is this so hard?

Why am I feeling so triggered?

Where am I triggering back to?

Am I time traveling back to a previous relationship?

Am I time traveling back to a previous time in my childhood?

Why am I acting like this?

Not why are they acting like this?

Why am I acting like this?

Because if we act,

And I'm going to say this,

Like children.

Which means,

And what I mean by that is,

I'm the only one in the room.

I want the attention.

I want to be right.

I want the cookie.

I want the thing.

Maturity says,

I see you.

Let's solve this.

I see a greater purpose here.

And this is really,

Really important.

And again,

It's all just an interesting sight into our psyche.

That moment when you feel yourself kind of going,

And you kind of want to have a temper tantrum.

This is so important to notice.

To say,

Where am I right now?

How old am I right now?

And I mean this very seriously.

What is going on in my psyche right now?

Why do I feel like I'm three years old?

Why do I feel like I'm six years old?

Why do I feel like I'm 12 years old and I just got shamed on the bus?

Why do I feel like I'm 23 years old and I just got brought up in front of my boss?

Why do I feel like,

What's going on?

And this is our chance to heal.

It's not about blame.

It's not about saying,

Look at you being so childish.

It's about saying,

Why am I reverting back to that time?

Because I'm 56 years old.

I'm not 12.

I'm not three.

I'm 56.

You're obviously something else.

This is a,

It's really an opportunity.

And this is where this journey of vulnerability together is so potent.

And it's so powerful because you get to heal together in really genuine present moment ways.

Every time we go to be unkind,

We can say this to our partner.

Everything in my mind right now is so unkind.

And I don't know what to say to you.

And I don't even know where all of this unkindness is coming from.

You can verbalize it.

And you can say,

Can we just sit for a minute?

Or can I go for a walk for a minute and try to sort this out?

Or can I go and have a bath and let this sink in?

Because this is what I'm going through.

This makes you very trustworthy because your partner says,

Knows,

Okay,

I feel,

I still feel safe.

Or maybe for whatever reason in this moment,

I don't feel mature.

You know what?

I want to be right.

I want to make you hurt.

I want to have whatever I have.

I can't believe you said no to me.

I can't believe you think that.

And we look at that and we go,

I am really dysregulated right now.

I kind of probably need to spend some time alone.

Or maybe I just need a hug.

Do you mind hugging me?

And maybe even I might vent a bit and just try to get this out.

And I apologize if it sounds awful or even in those moments unkind,

But just know it's not about you.

It's about whatever it is in my past that hurt me.

You know,

We just have to share.

We just have to be aware enough to say,

I want us to figure this out.

You know,

Can we do it together?

Right?

So in the end,

When we actually take this journey together,

This is where real intimate magic happens.

There is something about,

And you might have experienced this with a friend.

You know that with that friend,

You can just relax.

You can just be yourself.

And there's a contentedness inside.

There's this ease inside when this person's around.

Now imagine this is with your sexually intimate partner,

That you have that level of relaxation inside this level of,

They not only see the outside of me,

They know the inside of me.

And now we're going to be sexually intimate.

This is the beginning of tantric intimacy.

This is where we start to mix the spirit and the intimacy because our soul is present.

Mixing spirituality with intimacy isn't ritual and incense and stuff.

It's because your genuine soul,

The power,

The infinite aspects of yourself are now playing with this other person.

This is what tantra is.

But of course,

The journey of tantra is bringing ourselves there.

And while we might think about it being about the intimacy and the relationship,

It's really about having our own healing journey.

And we just happen to have this other lovely human who's helping us out or loves us that way or whatever.

It's so lovely.

So I'm going to put my glasses on.

And if you have any questions,

I would love to answer them.

I offer intimacy too soon,

Soul and sexual,

And have been rejected.

How do I stop?

So there's two parts that I would share.

One,

We just do everything too fast today,

Especially in intimate relationships.

It's like we don't even get to know each other.

Like,

And if you don't have sex on the first or second relationship,

This first or second date,

There's something wrong.

I remember even being on dating apps and people saying,

So what are you looking for?

And I'd be like,

I haven't even met you.

I don't know.

Maybe we're friends.

Maybe we're part-time lovers.

Maybe you're the love of my life.

I don't know.

We haven't met yet.

And so sometimes I think there's almost something inside of us that says,

I genuinely would love to get to know you.

And this is important.

It's okay to slow down.

And if somebody doesn't want to slow down,

Then they can't be enjoying the time together that much.

They really are just looking for one thing.

And the second thing is,

Maybe you are just a very open person,

Right?

Offering intimacy too soon,

Soul and sexual.

I wouldn't necessarily put that down either.

I'm like that.

I'm just hard in my sleeve,

Girl.

I just,

You know,

If you meet me for the first time,

I'll probably tell you more than you want to know.

And if we're dating,

You're really going to hear it,

Right?

I think the other part for me,

Because I am like that,

So I see everything in terms of the masculine and feminine.

And so my vulnerability could be with you,

But who it really is with is between me and God or me and spirit,

Whatever you understand that to be.

I always feel like I have this,

My own divine self and my physical self is always here.

And so no matter what,

That's who I really care about.

Not really you,

Not yet.

But for now,

You're actually coming into me in the whole and me being vulnerable with you.

I'm always vulnerable because I have this lovely protector at my back,

Right?

So I can be vulnerable here on Insight Timer or vulnerable with people I meet in the grocery store or vulnerable with a new partner.

Now,

I have to qualify this though,

Because there's a certain level of vulnerability that I'll be here with you guys or with someone at the grocery store or with a new person I'm dating.

But that isn't still the deepest vulnerability.

Some of you guys who have been here for a few years with me,

There have been times that really hard things have happened in my life and I've been teaching and I've cried here.

You know,

My son's best friend killed himself last year and I was on here on Insight Timer and I mentioned it and I started crying.

This was genuine vulnerability,

Not something I would share with someone at the grocery store,

Not something I would even share with someone I was just starting to date.

But you guys,

I don't know what it is about Insight Timer that makes it such a safe community,

But it is.

I've always felt that way.

So,

There's an interesting thing to ask ourselves.

Is this actually genuine vulnerability in this moment?

Really?

Or am I just simply sharing who I am,

Opening myself up for the other person maybe to go,

Wow,

I don't think this is quite my flavor.

That's possible.

And the other thing I have to say is when I was dating a lot of people,

At first I was really sensitive to rejection.

It really hurt my heart until I realized that finding an intimate partner is really special and I could walk down the street and pass a thousand people and it's possible that there's not a single person in there that for whatever reason stirs my heartstring.

It has nothing to do with what they look like.

It has nothing to do with their personality.

It has nothing to do with anything.

Just for some reason,

Our souls aren't there.

That's not the soul I'm looking for.

And as soon as I realized that in my heart,

I realized that they're not rejecting me as a person.

I'm just not the soul that their soul is seeking.

And that helped a lot to not feeling rejected because I shared a lot.

What is your go-to strategy when you get defensive?

Well,

I take a deep breath because I really don't want to be defensive.

And then I'll say to my partner,

I don't know why I'm feeling so defensive right now,

But this is my stuff and I'm very clear that this is my stuff.

And then the journey goes within.

You're funny.

So this morning,

My daughter and I went to the gym for the first time to go swimming.

And we had it all planned out and that we were going to swim Monday morning,

Wednesday morning,

Friday morning.

It's going to be great.

And my daughter wanted to learn how to swim.

She could swim in a lake.

She can stay up in water,

But to actually get in a pool and truly swim lengths.

She didn't know how to do that,

But that's my bag.

I was on swim teams when I was a kid and stuff like I love swimming.

And so of course,

Let's just say that by this morning,

I was unable to swim in the pool for the joyful moon type reasons.

So I decided,

Well,

That,

That works perfectly because I'll just keep my clothes on and I'll just sit at the end of the lane and I'll coach her,

Right?

This is actually perfect.

The universe just provided,

You know,

That I'll just sit and coach her at the end and say,

Okay,

Now do this.

And now do that.

And now do this.

Perfect.

Well,

The hilarious thing is I woke up this morning and I'm sitting there having my coffee and I'm having arguments in my head with people,

With imaginary people at the pool who don't think I should be there without a bathing suit on.

And I'm actually angry in my,

In my imaginations.

Like I'm actually like,

Okay,

You don't think I can be here?

Well,

Do you want to know why I'm going to be here?

I'm going to tell you more than you really want to know.

And in my head,

I am,

You talk about defensive.

I was so defensive against absolute imaginary people in my head.

And I was sitting there and I'm watching myself argue with these people who don't exist.

And I'm thinking,

What is wrong with you,

Katrina?

And so I go and I pick my daughter up and she says,

So how's it going?

And I said,

Well,

I am actually great,

Except for all the ridiculous arguments I'm having in my head with people who don't exist.

And she's laughing.

And I said,

Honestly,

And so,

But I was thinking about it,

Right?

Again,

It's sort of that stopping ourselves and thinking about it.

And I thought,

The truth is,

I am actually a very shy person.

In my deepest heart,

In my youngest seven,

Eight year old self,

I am very shy.

And I actually don't like attention coming to me.

And I really don't like doing the wrong thing and being embarrassed.

And all these things rolled up together,

Made my 56 year old self have imaginary arguments with someone.

And of course,

The hilarious thing is,

It was all nonsense,

Because we get there,

And I walk in,

And of course,

There's barely anyone there.

It's six o'clock in the morning.

And it's just us and about like four other people swimming in lanes.

And then I sit down at the end of the lanes and Taylor gets in the water.

And the lifeguard comes over and he says,

Do you want a kickboard to sit on?

I'll go get you one.

Anyway,

Defensiveness is interesting,

Right?

It's really interesting to just look inside of ourselves and ask,

Why am I fighting this so hard,

Whether it's a real person sitting in front of me,

Or imaginary people in our head,

It's really,

Really helpful to just sit for a minute and say,

Well,

This has got to come from somewhere.

Because even the funny thing about that story is it's an imaginary thing,

Right?

Feels real,

In my head,

Holy mackerel,

Was it real?

But you know,

What's crazy is when your loved one does something,

And you get hyper defensive.

This is also imaginary.

The person is real,

And they've done something.

But my response to it.

Is that necessary?

There's 100 ways I could respond to it.

100 ways that we could respond to what our partner just did.

Defensiveness is one of them.

Just one.

And that's interesting,

That for some reason,

My psyche chose to be defensive right now,

My psyche chose it.

You know,

Or maybe I should be defensive because I've just been attacked.

Right?

But even then,

You can actually say,

Wow,

What's going on?

I'm going through a spiritual transformation,

Finding universe God,

My partner is scared of this change.

And it makes me feel unsafe and any advice.

So there's a there's a couple truths that come to me.

And the first one is,

Sometimes it's really,

Really lovely to say to our partner,

I'm exploring some new ideas,

Diving into some deep stuff.

But I really love you.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Just so you know.

You know,

I just really want you to know that.

Because,

You know,

I may say weird things,

Or maybe sharing different things.

But,

You know,

You you are a huge part of my life,

And I'm not going anywhere.

Sometimes we need to hear that.

But there also might be another reality,

That it is possible that you guys got together in a time that you were just seeking companionship,

Or you were just seeking security.

And it's possible that you're seeking something different.

Or you may choose,

You may end up seeking something else that he's not interested in,

Or what they're not interested in.

I don't know if it's a guy.

And so maybe their fear is real.

But only you know that.

So it's just something to contemplate.

Are they picking up on a truth?

Have your paths veered off of each other's?

Maybe,

Or maybe not.

Because you know what's really interesting about that?

Let's,

I'm just going to make an assumption about your partner,

Which isn't obviously true,

Because I don't know anything about your relationship.

But let's imagine that your partner really isn't into spirituality.

That's just not their bag.

Maybe they even just love something else.

They love tinkering with cars,

Or they love watching sports,

Or they love reading,

Or maybe they're philosophers,

Or who knows?

Who knows what they love to do?

But spirituality and stuff,

It's just not really their bag.

We don't need to be with people who are like us.

We need to be with people who compliment us.

Not compliment like,

You're so beautiful,

But compliment like,

We fit together.

Like papajiksa puzzle pieces.

And sometimes having someone,

Like I always joke that,

You know,

Women might say to me,

Oh I just,

I want to find a spiritual man,

You know,

So he gets my journey.

I'm like,

Are you sure?

Because you might really,

If you're really going to fly into the clouds on this,

You might love someone who works with their hands,

And works on the earth,

And is naturally grounded,

And loves to build,

And is part of the community.

You know that their beautiful grounding in the earth complements your flying into the ethers.

And sometimes two super spiritual people love to be together,

And sometimes two super grounded people love to be together.

There's no rules.

But just to,

To deeply know that just because we expand into the spiritual realm doesn't mean,

You know,

That a relationship has to end.

My ex once called me a very mean name.

And when I told him how hurtful it was,

He asked me,

Who called you that in the past that hurt you?

It was as if he was trying to absolve himself.

He said it,

It was him who hurt me with that.

Was I wrong?

No,

You weren't wrong.

This is where spiritual teachings can become very dangerous.

Spiritual teachings are meant for us to use about our own journey.

It's not ever meant to be turned around for someone else to use against you to justify their behavior.

If you walk around,

And everyone you perceive,

Everyone you meet,

You perceive as angry.

Everybody's so angry.

Oh my god,

That driver's angry.

And oh,

I went to the grocery store,

And they're angry.

And everyone at work is angry.

And my partner,

They've got anger issues.

Everyone's got anger issues.

This is something interesting to sit with personally to say,

Why am I perceiving the whole world as being angry?

I may need to look at that.

However,

If someone else has an anger,

Has a bad temper,

Or throws an adult temper tantrum,

And you say,

Hey,

Hey,

Hey,

I don't feel like being around this anger.

And they're like,

Well,

If you're perceiving it as anger,

It must be inside of you.

That's nonsense.

That's gaslighting.

That's narcissistic,

Absolute manipulative nonsense.

Period.

It doesn't flip.

You don't get to use this against anyone ever.

Ever.

Period.

I have very strong opinions about that.

I've been scared to tell the person I really like that I have romantic feelings for them.

I'm wondering why I feel so scared and wanting to see why I'm feeling that way by looking within,

But I'm not sure where to look.

So sometimes I think we have been taught to use introspection all the time.

But I wonder if we can do it too much,

When the truth is sometimes we just feel things.

Like what if the only thing you need to know is that you're afraid to share that you have romantic feelings for them.

That's it.

It's just a fear.

It's just a feeling.

There's nothing under it.

What if it's just,

I am afraid.

I'm afraid that they might not have romantic feelings for me.

I'm afraid of feeling embarrassed.

I'm afraid of making them uncomfortable.

I'm afraid of potentially disrupting a friendship.

I think these are all really valid fears and that's it.

And so you do it,

You don't do it,

But you're kind of open to,

You know what,

Anything's possible.

Obviously I have a preference,

But we don't know.

So it's all good.

Sometimes I think we avoid our emotions too much.

As they say,

Worst case scenario,

Well it'll be good for the plot in the story of your life.

One way or the other.

Awesome.

Thanks guys.

We'll see you later.

Reviews

This is extremely insightful. I had been taught that vulnerability is sign of weakness by the one person who would use vulnerability against me. Who should have shown me unconditional love, instead of them being the most important. This has created so much emotional dysregulation, I'm now slowly learning to let and experience emotions that were ingrained as bad.
Thank you for this talk. It has definitely given me knowledge and reflection on who I want to be. Not programmed to be. I truly thank you.

I appreciate the idea that my partner is to compliment me and I her. We don't necessarily be on the same track spiritually.