Redefining Love For True Connection: Philia

This is the second reading in a series of four from my book "Tantric Intimacy".

Here, we build upon agape and explore philia - brotherly love. This is the love that connects us as confidantes. To know that we can trust another person. That we are safe. That another person sees us and loves us completely. We begin with a story, a discussion and end with a personal integrating practice.

Transcript

Felia,

Creating Loving Sanctuary As if I would have sex without talking to my mom first.

I was driving our 16 year old babysitter home,

And somehow we got to talking about sex.

This was her response to whether or not she'd had sex yet.

I was aghast.

What 16 year old talks to her mom about sex?

Luckily I was good friends with her mom,

So I asked her what her secret was.

Why were her kids so open with her?

She kinda shrugged and said,

I don't know.

All I care about is that they can trust me.

I never really know what I'm doing with my own life,

So I really can't lecture them on theirs.

Everything I do is really to gain their trust.

Wow.

My two kids were very small then.

I wanted for us what my friend and her children had.

From then on,

My goal as a mother was to be the one safe place in the world that my kids could go to feel loved and supported.

I figured that my role as a mom was unique.

It was to simply love them and keep them safe.

When the rest of the world told them what to do,

How to do it,

And whether they were doing it right,

They would always have at least one safe place to turn.

My job was to create sanctuary.

My job was to simply love them.

Philia.

Trust and Safety.

Agape is the love that flows between everyone,

Strangers,

Friends,

Family,

And lovers.

It is the foundation of all love between humans.

Philia builds upon agape and deepens the connection.

The love becomes personal.

This is the love we have for friends and family.

These are the people who know us.

We trust them.

They are our confidants.

We have fun and explore the world together.

We can drop our guards,

Be vulnerable,

And share what's going on in our lives.

They are the safe places to go when things get hard.

When we have children,

Parents,

Friends,

Or intimate partners,

And we extend this kind of love to them,

They will know you don't judge them and will feel free to share their innermost thoughts and fears with you.

Because you know how vulnerable we all are,

You will always be a safe place.

We can all be ourselves.

This kind of loving openness is what truly joins us together.

This is what creates lifelong bonds with our children.

This creates trusting confidants with friends.

And between intimate partners,

We are truly able to merge as one in sacred union.

This connection also happens when we struggle together.

Like soldiers,

Emergency workers,

Even colleagues,

We know that the other will always have our back.

This is the stage of a romantic relationship where you get to know each other.

You discover if there is philia love between you as well as passion.

Do you enjoy their company?

Can you trust them?

Do you feel safe in every way around them?

Do you want to share your innermost thoughts with them?

Being 100% safe and trustworthy.

Let's imagine being emotionally safe and loving all of the time.

Not most of the time when we are well rested and things are going our way,

But all of the time.

100%.

Seems impossible?

It isn't.

We are actually made to be loving,

To open our hearts and love.

It's actually easier than throwing up guards and walls and defenses.

Why is this so important in Tantric intimacy?

Because we are opening a channel between our heart and the heart of another.

We want this loving energy to flow unrestricted between us.

If we are unsure what might be coming from the other,

Then we won't be completely vulnerable.

We will always have to put up walls to protect our heart.

A common response is that we don't believe that 100% is possible.

Sometimes we have bad days,

Right?

Some days we are tired and overwhelmed.

We want to have some wiggle room.

But we can't.

Let's look at an example where a woman is married to a man and everything is going perfectly.

They are early in the relationship and she has no reason to expect anything but love from her partner.

She is 100% open.

And then one day,

He hits her.

Let's assume she stays.

What will change?

It was only one time.

Even though 90% of the time he is wonderful,

She never knows when the 10% is coming.

So she will simply put some guards up against him.

Or maybe your partner makes fun of you sometimes.

Or they make passive aggressive comments in front of other people.

But it's only 10% of the time.

The rest of the time they are really loving.

You can laugh it off,

But it will always create a bit of distance between you.

You certainly aren't going to share deeply personal things with them.

It's hard enough being the butt of their joke.

What if they used really personal stuff?

Imagine a child opens up to a parent about something they are struggling with.

It takes only one time for the parent to berate them for their choice,

Treat them like their problem isn't important,

Or tell them what to do in a way that isn't supportive or loving.

That child will simply put up a wall to protect themselves from their parent.

They know not to be that open with them again.

Beware of passive aggression.

Passive aggression is a silent killer of intimacy because it creates invisible walls between us.

If you don't recognize it in your relationships,

It is because you have likely grown up with it,

Which means you are accustomed to having invisible armor up around your loved ones.

This can be quite a challenging pattern to break,

But it certainly is possible.

When someone is openly aggressive,

Their behavior and feelings are obvious.

They might yell,

Insult,

Be argumentative,

Or hit you in some way.

This creates a scenario where you fight back.

It is obvious that it is unkind,

Unsafe,

Or untrustworthy,

No question.

However,

We aren't always so obvious with our attacks on others.

We are often not upfront about what's bothering us.

Maybe we don't think anything will change,

Or we were taught at a young age that it's dangerous to be open about how we feel,

That it's best to keep our feelings to ourselves.

Great feelings need to be released,

So they twist into something the other person can't get mad about.

These feelings will sneak out in snide comments.

They might be jokes with a jab,

Where someone says something that's supposed to be funny,

But somehow makes you feel like you were attacked.

Others simply become sullen and mope around,

Hoping the other will ask what's wrong.

Or they tell stories in a way that leave other people feeling terrible about themselves.

Of course,

They don't openly say what they are feeling so that they can't get in trouble.

If you call them on it,

They say,

What?

You're overreacting.

You're being too sensitive.

I didn't mean anything by it.

It's like the abusive partner knowing how to hit you without leaving a bruise.

It's your word against theirs.

Passive aggression has become so common because society is governed more by logic and rules than heart and feelings.

It's as if our interactions exist in a court of law,

Because the other person didn't obviously say anything mean.

You can't prove it,

So they win.

But in a world where we trust our hearts and our feelings,

We know deep down that it was an attack.

We can't pinpoint it,

But we know that it wasn't kind,

Funny,

Or loving.

To avoid passive aggression,

Find a way to be honest in a kind and loving way.

If there is no kind way to say what you need to say,

You must seriously look at what you want to say.

Are you being judgmental of their choices?

Do you want to fix them?

Do you think you know what is better for them?

These are all your own personal issues.

To know if something is loving,

We have to ask,

Does this bring us closer together or create distance between us?

Passive aggression always creates distance.

It puts emotional walls up between us.

It may not end your relationship right away,

But it will keep you separate and unable to feel connected.

Bringing our A-game.

If we want to develop loving connection,

Then we must be impeccable with our emotional safety.

We must bring our A-game to the table all of the time.

For some,

This is easy.

For others,

This seems like a lot of effort when they just want to be able to relax.

Let's consider that right now there are about 7 billion people in the world.

Within those 7 billion people,

There is a handful whom you love the most.

If you lost any of these people,

You would be devastated.

Yet,

There is a curious habit to treat these people worse than anyone else.

Some call it letting their hair down,

Or being real at home.

People can yell at and treat their closest loved ones much worse than they treat the other 7 billion strangers on the planet.

Doesn't it make sense to treat these people better than anyone?

Wouldn't we want to treat them in the same way that we actually feel about them?

Tell them that we cherish them,

That we love them more than anyone?

We want to imagine this river of love flowing between you and your loved ones.

No matter what,

We want that river to flow unobstructed.

We don't want anyone to have to put up walls or dams.

With every interaction,

What can you do to increase trust and safety between you?

If there are already barriers between you,

What can you do to become safe enough so that others can naturally let those guards down?

If there are people around you who are safe enough to open up to,

Can you let your guards down and be open with them?

It is important to only open up if the other is safe.

Sometimes the people around us aren't safe,

They don't know how to be,

And that's okay.

Be discerning.

The guards we hold up are important because they protect us,

But we want to be able to drop them any time we'd like,

And if we find someone who can be a confidant,

Then it's truly wonderful to drop everything and let our whole selves show.

I will be forever thankful for that conversation in the car with my friend's 16-year-old daughter.

It was a turning point in our lives.

At the time that I'm reading this,

My children are 22 and 20 years old,

And I can honestly say that we have never had a single argument or fight.

The bond we have is completely loving,

Trusting,

And effortless.

Through their teenage years,

Not only could we talk about anything,

Our home was always filled with their friends.

Some just hung out,

And some actually chose to live with us.

We spent many wonderful evenings chatting about the struggles and joys of life and being teenagers.

It became the joke that although I only birthed two children,

I was mom to hundreds.

They were incredibly rich years.

Personal Practice Becoming Sanctuary The goal here is to transform yourself so that you are naturally safe,

Loving,

And trusting.

It's about growing within the relationships in your life right now.

It's about looking inside and first understanding why we struggle to be 100% safe and kind.

And then,

The journey is figuring out what we need to heal personally in order for this to become effortless and second nature.

Having relationships built upon kindness,

Trust,

And safety is often a new way of living.

We easily get caught in the stories about who did what wrong,

Our painful experiences,

And our residual feelings and memories.

But when we look beneath the stories,

We often see that our relationships are simply lacking true love and connection.

Begin by looking at all the relationships in your life.

Is there agape and philia?

Is there trust and openness?

Is there anyone with whom you can let your guards down completely?

And if the answer is no,

Don't worry,

You're not alone.

What about your family growing up?

Was there kindness,

Trust,

And safety in your home?

Was there judgment?

Did you feel you needed to prove yourself?

Were you able to be vulnerable and open?

Historically,

Parents were taught to be the disciplinarians of their children.

How their children acted was a reflection on who they were in the community.

Children were born to help on the farm.

There was no birth control.

Children were often just another mouth to feed.

For sure,

There was sometimes love.

But many,

Many people today struggle with missing out on true,

Unconditional love and a safe place to be emotionally vulnerable growing up,

Which makes all deeper love very difficult.

If you have children,

What would it take to be their safe place?

What would that look like?

Can they trust you now?

Can they share their struggles and hard times with you?

How about your friends?

Do you have close friends with whom you can be open?

Can you trust each other?

Can you count on them?

Can they count on you?

Is there love?

What can you do to create more trust and openness?

Or is it even possible?

Not everyone is open to it.

If not,

That's okay.

You can still create this in your life right now,

But it is important to be aware that you might never have seen or experienced this kind of connection of love before.

This awareness is important in case we start to slip into old patterns that disconnect us.

What about your intimate relationships?

Is there agape?

Are you always kind to each other?

Do you honor each other's personal life paths and respect each other's choices?

Is there philia?

Are you each other's safe place in the world?

Can you be completely open and vulnerable?

Can you let down all of your guards and feel safe?

Do you feel like you can count on this person to be there for you?

The key here is to notice all of our relationships and understand that in all of them we are the common element.

If we are lacking connection in one,

We are likely lacking the same connection in all.

This is a huge part of our Tantric journey.

Feeling love and connection is intrinsically human.

Looking deeply and healing the connection in our closest relationships helps us heal and truly become complete.

Reviews

Ooohh Katrinaaa ❤️ I am so thankful for all your shared wisdom and sooo glad that you're always here to help me remember. Haven't been there in a while, but often think about all the beautiful discussions and teachings during the YTT. Maybe it's time to dive a little back in 🥰 much love for you 🫶

Excellent - love the examples. Thank you! 🙏🏻💜🙏🏻

Tremendously helpful to hear this. It makes clear how my armor from the past stands between me and anything I want for my future. What “protects” me imprisons me.

Such a good perspective. Thank you 🙏

One of the best meditations I have heard. This is so beautiful, Relatable and practical. Definitely will listen to it again. Thank you.🙏🏽💕

Thank you, Katrina. I want this openness with love. Beautiful talk

This is very insightful. I will for sure have to read your book. Thank you. 🙏🏽

Ohhh wow. This is all new to me. Thank you so very much.

Wow! Have to listen to this again. Wish I knew how I can regain trust with my daughter again.

Katrina! You are such a beautiful person. Thank you for sharing your thought-provoking teachings and sweet narration to help strangers like me improve ourselves or our relationships.

I love you sweet soul sibling! Thank you for these graciously glorious gift..💛💚💙💜
Love,light and bountiful blessings,always
Namaste
🙏⭕🙏

Thought-provoking. Thank you 💜 x

WOW!! I loved this. I am a new mother and feel I am the Sanctuary for my baby, and I hope I will be able to maintain this relationship as he grows!

Excellent talk! Helped me understand and make peace with how some relationships (romantic and familial) fail. Thank you!

This was like a favorite meal you haven’t had in a long time. It just hit the spot for me. So good to be reminded of the important things we may forget during the hustle and bustle of daily life. Much appreciated!

A lot to think and work on thank you for another thoughtful and informative talk