Redefining Love For True Connection: Agape

This is the first of a series of four readings from my book "Tantric Intimacy".

We begin with redefining what love is and with the foundation of all love - agape. The lack of agape is the root of all of the distance in our relationships. So, the first step is to redefine this foundation because we are capable of such a deep and wonderful love with each other. We end this reading with a personal practice - a sadhana of kindness.

Transcript

Redefining Love and Connection I recently polled university students to learn why they would want to study Tantra.

Many responded that they would love to learn about sex and have new experiences.

But the most common answer was that they wanted real connection and true intimacy.

We long to connect with each other.

We know that we are made for it.

When we lack genuine connection in our lives,

We truly suffer.

As many of our relationships have been based on things that have nothing to do with love,

We end up feeling very alone,

Frustrated,

And filled with longing for something more.

So let's begin with understanding what love really is.

Love is what connects all of us.

It is that invisible something we feel when we stand in front of a lover,

When we hug a child,

Or we think of a good friend.

It is what we feel for the stranger who smiles at us as we walk down the street.

It is a sense that we are all in this together.

When we say love is a foundation for studying Tantra,

We are talking about this ethereal,

Indescribable river of energy that connects us to everything,

To God,

Ourselves,

And to each other.

We must agree with the poets that this connection,

This love,

Is impossible to describe.

However,

In the same way that the average person can drive a car without understanding the inner workings of an internal combustion engine,

We too can accept that love exists and experience its power in our lives.

We will explore the different depths of this river in the next three chapters.

We will look at three kinds of love – kindness,

Agape,

Trust,

Philia,

And passion,

Eros,

And understand how they all work together to create the closeness,

Connection,

And magic that we all know is possible.

Agape – A New Foundation of Kindness It wouldn't matter to me if you were an axe murderer.

I would still love you.

This was Jim,

My first teacher.

In the beginning,

It was a little shocking to sit with him.

He didn't look like your typical guru.

There were no flowing robes,

Sandals,

Or incense anywhere.

He looked like a big guy with curly hair and the friendliest face you've ever seen.

But it was his eyes that got you.

When he looked at you,

His eyes shone with love.

He looked right into your soul,

Saw everything you liked and didn't like about yourself,

And loved every part of you.

There was no judgment in him.

There was absolutely nothing you could say that would make him love you less.

To be in the presence of that kind of compassion and non-judgment was overwhelming.

Slowly,

All of my guards dropped.

Without even meaning to,

All the bad stuff inside of me that I worked hard to suppress rose to the surface and became part of the conversation.

I would apologize for something about myself or explain what I was working on and trying to improve in myself.

He would listen politely and say,

It all sounds great,

Katrina,

But you really are perfect just the way you are.

And then I'd get the biggest smile.

Simply being around him changed me.

Every time I was with him,

More of me was allowed to rise and I became a little more whole.

I understood how being in the presence of a holy person could instantly heal you.

The Foundation of Tantra Having a life of kindness,

Non-judgment,

And compassion is the foundation for all love and connection and our study of tantra.

The ancient Greeks called this agape.

This is the love we need to feel for everyone.

There is no judgment.

There is only total compassion and complete respect for each other.

This is where we understand that we are all fragile,

Vulnerable,

And truly trying our best with the life we've been given.

We know that inside we are the same and we are all connected.

Agape is often described as the highest form of love.

This is because it is the foundation of all other love.

It is an absolute necessity.

Without it,

We simply cannot have any deeper connections.

It is often considered God's love of man,

Or man's love for God.

Later we will discuss more about our perceptions of the Divine,

But for now,

Let's imagine that agape means that we step into the Divine part of ourselves and look at each other through a lens of pure kindness and love.

On the Lack of Agape The lack of agape is the root of all of our problems and relationships,

All of them.

The truth is that many of us have never experienced actual love.

We are told that we are loved by our parents and partners,

But it is often something else that is called by the name of love.

It's no one's fault.

They didn't know any better either.

Anything that makes you feel separate from someone isn't love.

Love always connects us.

More than likely,

We've never experienced full,

Unconditional kindness and respect,

Ever.

By definition,

Our relationship is how we're connected.

Love connects us.

But when our connections are based out of obligation,

Expectation,

Or contract,

Like having children or marriage,

We have been told that we are loved.

There is a kind of connection.

It might be familiarity.

There might be moments of love,

But it isn't love.

If the love comes with judgment,

Punishment,

Correction,

Possession,

Control,

Or anything else that often comes with the territory,

We lose our faith in love.

We develop beliefs that love is painful,

Difficult,

That love hurts.

You can't trust love.

There are ups and downs,

Etc.

These aren't signs of love.

These are the results of our dysfunction,

Pain,

And fears projected onto those closest to us.

This isn't love.

Without this foundation,

We will struggle to experience philia,

The ability to disclose our deepest self with a true confidant,

Even with a close friend or family member.

We will always keep a certain distance from others.

We may not even know that we're doing it,

Or that it's possible to get closer.

If we try to make love or have sex in our relationships,

Which we will,

We will never be able to take it past the physical level,

Without kindness,

Respect,

And trust,

How can we share our deepest,

Most intimate selves with another person?

If we become vulnerable in that situation,

We will always risk having our hearts ripped open,

And we aren't going to take that risk.

So how do we come to a place where we can experience love as we describe it in this book when we have never experienced it in our lives?

We must begin with finding agape in our lives.

We must look around us and figure out how to find genuine kindness and respect for everyone who comes into our lives.

We must find this for ourselves.

We truly must find this personally for anything else to work.

And we can't skip this step.

If we skip agape,

There will always be distance between us and everyone around us.

Our friends,

Children,

Partners,

Colleagues,

Everyone.

We will struggle to live in reality.

Our judgment of our lives and everything we've ever done will not allow us to look in the mirror and be okay with who we see.

We won't have the basic kindness we need for ourselves,

Much less for other people.

The foundation of this book is kindness.

Everything I talk about is built on this foundation.

There is a whole other reality that assumes complete love.

This is the world I want us to play in,

And it's important to know that there is no bridge waiting for you between the worlds and no direct path.

You will have to build your own bridge.

This is why Tantra is about personal transformation.

Your Tantric experience is the journey that will take you from your current reality,

Based on the past,

To a different reality,

Which is still yours,

But it's based on what we are truly made for.

It's right here for all of us.

We know it inside.

We just have to trust and take the first step.

Why we struggle with kindness.

One of the first questions I ask my students is whether they believe they could be 100% kind to their loved ones all day long.

Some say it would be nice.

About half think it's possible.

Some say it would be boring,

And that's not even a worthy goal if they want to feel alive in the relationship.

I realized that I had to define kindness better.

Kindness doesn't mean we are always happy,

Agreeing with,

Or going along with other people.

Being kind doesn't change how you feel in a situation,

Or whether you agree with someone.

Being kind is an action.

It is how you treat other people,

And yourself.

Let's say you are absolutely furious about something.

This is how you feel.

What you do with that fury is the point.

If anger is your tendency,

Then you might choose to yell at the closest person,

Whether they are the reason you are angry or not,

But this will cause them to step away from you in some way.

This is not kindness,

Because it creates separation.

Instead,

If we don't want to create separation,

Then we can own our feelings.

Maybe we recognize we are angry about something at work,

So we ask our partner if it's okay if we vent for a bit,

And assure that they know that it isn't about them.

Or maybe it is about them.

Still,

We don't unleash the anger at them.

We are angry about this current situation,

And we want to be connected to them.

So in order to maintain connection,

We have to have an honest but kind conversation instead.

This requires a level of emotional maturity that we might not have ever seen.

If it's new for you,

Then it will take a concerted effort in the beginning to avoid falling into old patterns,

And it starts with practicing kindness towards ourselves.

Releasing Judgment When we have kindness in our relationships,

We love people for who they are.

We don't believe we are better than them,

Or that we can see their situation clearer than they can.

We honor their journey.

We recognize that our judgment comes from the fact that we would be very uncomfortable if we were in their situation.

We come by this judgment honestly.

Nearly all societies and families teach us that there is a certain way that we are supposed to be.

We are told that there are right ways to live,

There are good choices and bad ones.

But do any of these judgments matter?

The reality is that we have absolutely no idea about each other's life paths.

We don't know why some of us make certain choices and others make other choices.

Maybe it's their upbringing or culture.

Maybe it's fear.

Maybe they are making conscious choices that are very personal.

Or maybe it's some kind of karma,

A big picture far beyond our understanding.

The important thing to realize is that every one of these judgments creates distance between us.

It harms our connection.

We feel separate.

If we are the one judging,

Then we know better than the other.

This is not love.

This is separation.

When truth and fixing another isn't kind.

I'm only saying this because I love you.

When someone says this,

It is not love or kindness because it does not create connection.

Kindness is always considering how our actions towards someone will affect them.

Will our words push them away?

Will our actions cause them to shut down,

To feel shame,

To feel guilty?

For example,

Sometimes we want to fix others,

Children,

Friends,

And especially partners.

We tell ourselves that it's for their highest good.

In reality,

We are making them feel that there is something wrong with them,

That they aren't capable of making good choices in their lives,

And that they are somehow less than you.

Is this really in their highest good?

Is it really kind?

Or maybe we tell ourselves we are being kind because someone needs to know a brutal truth.

But truth without kindness is simply cruel.

This is not truth.

This is your judgment of their situation.

What are your motives?

Do you believe you have a better or superior view of their life?

Do you believe that you are smarter or more intuitive than they are?

Is this why you feel called to share your truth with them?

Whether we are clear about our intentions or not,

The receiver will get exactly the message you are sending,

That you believe you are smarter than them,

More intuitive,

More evolved,

And superior.

If the other person is in a vulnerable state,

They may take it to heart,

And it will reinforce their own self-doubts and lack of self-worth.

This is not very kind.

This also applies to our children.

It's important not to fix them.

They are here to have their own experience.

We are simply their caregivers.

We can create an environment for them to grow,

But we cannot do it for them.

In fact,

The more we do try to do it for them,

The more they will believe that they can't do it themselves because this is what you showed them.

Personal Practice Asadna of Kindness Asadna is a daily spiritual practice.

It is a discipline we choose to do because in order to accomplish it,

We must grow and expand spiritually.

Each day we stretch a little more towards our goal,

Transforming our life in small ways with profound long-term effects.

Practicing on the Mat Many of us struggle with meditation.

In fact,

Many of us give up on meditating because we say we aren't any good at it.

Instead,

Let's look at meditating as a time to practice a new skill.

In this exercise,

We are going to practice kindness for ourselves.

It can be surprisingly more difficult than we think in the beginning.

Soon it becomes effortless and second nature.

Sit comfortably on the floor,

On a chair,

Or even lying in bed.

Your form isn't important here.

What is going on inside is what matters.

Breathe deeply and think about your life.

Are there areas in your life where you are struggling?

Work?

Relationships?

Health?

Hope?

Allow your thoughts to flow naturally.

Are the thoughts about yourself kind,

Compassionate,

Non-judgmental?

If not,

Start to think the opposite of your thoughts.

Find your kindest inner voice.

Ask for inner guidance to find kinder words.

Feel compassion for your inner child who is truly vulnerable.

Look at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and honors everything you've been through.

Do this whenever you have the chance,

Until one day your inner voice is always kind.

It learned its old ways somewhere,

And it can learn new habits this way.

Soon you will default to kindness and non-judgment.

Practicing in our lives.

We also want to practice this kindness with others.

This will make all the difference with your loved ones.

Simply look at them and understand that they are like you inside.

They are trying.

Maybe they don't have all the tools you have.

Maybe they have inner struggles that you don't have.

They have a very different path to take than you,

And they've been given a totally different set of circumstances to grow up within.

Even as you walk down the street,

Feel that love for humanity for everyone around you.

It isn't always easy.

I used to live downtown Toronto,

And I walked around the city a lot.

There were angry people,

Sad people,

Homeless people,

Happy people,

People high on drugs,

And others who were high on life.

But it's what we all have in common that we need to tune into.

This is a divine love.

It goes beyond their external appearance.

It is loving them as human beings.

People used to ask Mother Teresa how she could do the work she did.

She replied that she always looked for Jesus in every person she encountered.

Even seeing the divine in each person,

At home,

At work,

At the coffee shop,

Or walking down the street.

This is especially important if you have never actually experienced this kind of unconditional kindness and respect in your life.

And don't worry,

You are not alone.

But this is how we start to cultivate it right now.

This is how we personally create this foundation of love in our lives.

It will take some effort in the beginning,

And slowly it will spread to all of your relationships.

The first step is feeling agape for others everywhere you go.

As you feel it in your life,

People will come into your life who also love in this way.

Or you will teach them.

The second step is to surrender enough to truly receive it.

This is the bigger challenge than feeling it for others,

But it is so incredibly worth it.

Reviews

Love all that you offer us. Katrina! Delighted to come across these chapters. 🙏💕

Thank you for sharing your deep knowledge around defining love. It’s been a topic and a mystery to me for my entire life. I have received so many insights while listening and I will share them with others with gratitude.🙏

thank you.... all begins in ourselves.... being kind is so simple and the key to everything... stop living based on our past and what we were thought, but living according to our true potential, to all that can be.... wow this opens my heart and gives me so much hope and love inside!

Wow I found this talk/practice so meaningful, thank you. I will listen to this talk several more times as I incorporate the "practice" part into my daily living. 🙏❣️

I truly enjoyed this meditation. Thank you for sharing it.

Profound. I keep listening to this over and over so it can all sink in. I wish everyone would listen to this. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. 💗🤗

I had to listen 3 times in a row and I still don't fully understand... I want to though :) I blame myself for not always being kind, but by doing so I am unkind to myself. I guess it takes practice and awarenesses.
You explain very well though, so thank you, I will listen to it a few more times ☺️

This explained a lot, really enjoyed the reading thank you!

Feels like a life-changing piece of work—look forward to listening to the other parts. Thx, Katrina! 🙏🏼✨❤️

Thank you, Katrina. Feeling so grateful for your words, experiences and presence. Sending good wishes, practicing agape.

An attainable, practical and attractive approach to living with love. I’m on board!

This is a rich reading on agape, the nonjudgmental kindness at the heart of love. Very helpful.

Packed full of important messages of living from a place of kindness. Will have to listen to again and again. Wonderful series on redefining love.

loved it, I needed to rehear this today. love your book!

I need to read the book!

Thank you 🙏❤️🏵️

The ending is somewhat abrupt but this is wonderful guidance! Thank you ❤

Insightful and really interesting. Thank you Katrina. Looking forward to the next one 💜x

Thank you. I will be kinder in my thoughts and actions today in response to listening.

Beautifully described