Intuitive Parenting: Humble, Strong & Listening

How do we integrate intuition, following our path, and the masculine/feminine dynamic into caring for our children? How do we honour our truth and create a safe place for our children to grow and thrive. Every situation is amazingly unique. So, I will share stories from my life and the influences that truly shaped this challenging but so wonderful experience called parenting.

Transcript

When my kids were teenagers,

I think my daughter was maybe 15 and my son was 17,

And we had four more kids living in the house with us,

Aged anywhere between 16 and 18.

So of course where there's six teenagers,

There's,

You know,

14 to 20 at any time.

And so of course I never really knew how many kids were in the house,

You know,

Because there was sort of an upstairs and a downstairs,

And everybody kind of lived quite independently and yet together.

It was really like,

Almost like I would imagine if a bunch of us all moved in together,

We would each sort of have our own lives,

But there would be this central unit of sort of collective love or collective security kind of thing.

And that's really what it felt like,

Because people would often ask me like,

How could you possibly have six teenagers living in your house?

And but it didn't feel like that.

I wasn't like mother bearing on top of them,

Unless something came up.

And then mother bear came out.

But I remember one time,

One of my sisters was up visiting from the city.

I lived in a really small town,

Well,

The town I'm living in right now.

And we were just sitting there having tea in the morning.

And we're just hanging out.

And all of a sudden,

My son comes kind of clumping down the stairs.

And he's like,

Hey,

Andy Corey,

You know,

And,

And off he goes,

And then someone else comes down the stairs.

And I don't know who it was,

It was a friend or something.

And they go off to go have breakfast.

And then a bunch of kids start coming up out of the basement.

And then some come out of the bedrooms,

And they're all coming in from all sides.

And my sister's just staring at me.

And she's like,

How many kids are here right now?

I said,

I have no idea.

It was sort of like a,

It was a kind of a,

It was almost like finding the peace and the chaos.

Right?

It's almost like everyone always knew we were there.

But it was always flexing as to what was going on and who was there.

But we were just sort of that center.

You know,

Not controlling.

I mean,

They weren't five,

They were basically adults,

Right?

You know,

So there was just sort of this,

As long as they know I'm having tea.

And we had rules in the house.

Like,

You know,

Especially as teenagers,

It was more like,

If you want to drink,

If you want to,

You know,

Do that,

That's cool,

But then don't leave.

Right?

You can party,

You can do whatever you want,

But you stay here,

Which of course,

Led to massive dog piles of bodies in the basement,

Right?

You go down in the morning,

And,

You know,

There's just this pile of people lying on the floor.

And then they would wake up in the morning and off they would go to their world.

Like it was never a big deal,

You know.

And anyway.

So I called this talk,

Humble,

Strong and Listening.

Because I don't believe there's any rules about raising children.

In the description of this,

My favorite quote about parenting is,

I once had six theories about raising children.

Now I have six children and no theories.

And this is what I truly believe about parenting.

So anything I say is to be taken with a grain of salt.

Because it was what happened in that moment between this soul being me and the souls I was interacting with being my children or my children's friends or whoever.

And perhaps what I'm going to share doesn't apply to another parent and child dynamic.

You know,

So it's really if there's anything I really learned,

And that's sort of the humble part,

That's the sort of the foundation of the humble because before I had children,

I think I have a tendency to be an idealist.

You know,

I sort of see what I think is possible.

And I want to live to that point.

I want to live to that possibility,

Which I think is a positive thing.

It can be considered optimism,

It can be considered,

You know,

I don't know,

Aiming for a higher frequency or whatever you want to call it.

But sometimes it can become an idealist,

Almost rose colored glasses perception.

And then we can beat ourselves up if things don't work out.

Right?

Because if we say,

Oh,

Well,

These amazing things happen because of my amazing mindset.

Does that mean that bad things happened because my mindset was wrong?

Like,

It's a weird,

Dangerous world in there,

Right?

That I get the law of attraction.

I don't disagree with any of it.

But sometimes I think we're missing important pieces.

So it's almost like to allow all of these theories to float around as almost possible ideas to pull out in the exact right time.

But one thing doesn't apply all the time.

So this was what before I had children,

You know,

I loved learning and reading books and having a million ideas and being prepared and all that kind of thing.

So for example,

When I decided to have children,

I was I was going to have a natural childbirth,

I was going to be one with my inner goddess,

I was going to,

You know,

It's just gonna be this natural mom that just,

You know,

Birth these children like I was brushing my teeth because I was so connected to my inner being or something.

Well,

That was sort of the beginning of my being taken down a few notches before I began my journey of parenting.

Because you know,

The births were very,

Very,

Very difficult.

And they both ended in C-sections and botched C-sections.

And which led me to a very difficult time of a lot of physical pain and a lot of sheer exhaustion inside myself.

And really feeling like,

Oh my god,

I,

I failed.

I'm obviously not this grounded goddess I thought I was like all these things,

Right?

Like it was almost like I felt I must have been crossing my legs on the inside or something.

I just could not,

I could not birth these children.

And I should have been able to,

You know,

If you kind of looked at people and said,

Oh,

Wow,

She's got some childbearing hips,

You know,

I have the childbearing hips.

So I obviously and I beat myself up about this for quite a while,

That I wasn't,

You know,

Spiritually attuned enough to be able to do this natural thing.

And I was very thankful that medicine was there to save me and my children.

You know,

So that also was a real lesson for me.

And then I was sort of raised on musicals,

You know,

Rodgers and Hammerstein and My Fair Lady and The Sound of Music and all these things.

So I had this vision of raising children,

Like if all I had to do is be Julie Andrews,

Right?

I just had to sing and show up and play games and my children would happily just follow behind me and like little birds and stuff would flow around our heads and life would be so easy.

My first child colic'd for 11 months,

He screamed for 11 months,

He just cried and cried and cried.

And I mean,

In hindsight,

I mean,

This was,

You know,

26 years ago,

But,

You know,

I'm sure there's a lot of things that I would have done differently if I knew what I knew now,

Right?

Like,

In terms of what I ate and nursing and all those kind of things,

You know,

But one way or the other,

I learned the real effect of exhaustion on parenting.

And this is really important in terms of really honoring self and again,

Whether we're a parent or not,

To always look at where are we at actually,

Because if we have ideals about who we're supposed to be,

But the truth is,

We are just absolutely exhausted.

We can't think straight.

You know,

I remember when,

You know,

I would be,

I would literally be up every two hours,

Right?

Because he just,

He just cried,

Right?

It was just a constant.

And to this day,

He's interesting.

He's an interesting person.

He's this huge giant of a human.

He kind of looks like,

He looks like Thor,

That's his nickname to everyone and long,

Long blonde hair.

He looks like a Viking big beard.

But he's this gentle,

Sensitive soul,

Like really,

Really sensitive,

Right?

And I think he was like that even as a baby.

You know,

I think I'm sure he was picking up stuff from myself.

Like I,

My mom died when I was pregnant with him.

You know,

So I'm sure he picked up a lot of things from me.

And in all the grief going around us,

You know what I mean?

There was a lot happening there.

And that's the one thing I have that I really almost had to learn over the period all over the time is to really have deep compassion with self.

You know,

We don't just start being parents in a perfect time of life when everything is just tickety boo,

Right?

Everything has circumstances.

Everything,

Whether it's our relationship with our partner.

I mean,

I was married when I was 23.

I had my first child when I was 25.

We were babies.

Like,

What do we know about anything?

What do we know about our own life,

Let alone raising children?

And there's something about having this compassion for self.

I didn't at the time.

And also,

There's sort of also a,

There's an overwhelm that happens often as when we're parents.

And it's only and actually my children have helped me realize a lot of these things.

You know,

One day my daughter,

She was probably 20.

Someone asked me about my kids.

And they said,

Wow,

Your kids are so great.

Because my kids I love.

I mean,

My kids are good.

Obviously,

I love them.

But they're really lovely people.

And they said,

Wow,

Your kids are so great.

And I said,

Yeah,

They've always been really easy.

And my daughter looks at me and she said,

No,

We weren't.

She said,

We never stopped fighting.

She says I was impossible.

What are you talking about?

Sometimes I have skewed memories of what it was like,

I think.

But we also forget like,

We're busy.

Parenting is so busy.

Right.

And I remember,

You know,

When my when my son was born,

Of course,

It was very difficult.

I'd had this botched C-section.

And like,

Literally the freezing wore off in the middle of surgery.

And I sat up on the surgical table because I was in so much pain was really bad.

And then I couldn't walk for six months after because I had so much pain in my abdomen.

But I didn't know why.

And it wasn't until they actually opened me up for the C-section with my daughter,

That they found out that all my organs were stuck together in the wrong place.

And it must have been from sitting up during the surgery.

But of course,

Nobody knew why anyway.

And of course,

So here's me not okay,

Like I was not okay.

And then when my daughter was born,

The day she was born,

We bought the family farm,

We bought the dairy farm,

Kicked off all the family,

And it was just my husband and I.

And I had a newborn and a son.

And so my daughter,

Well,

Both my kids,

But definitely my daughter,

She spent the first year of her life on my back,

Like strapped to my back while I milked cows and drove tractors.

And you know,

That's where she lived.

And but you forget,

You forget the the circumstances that we were making these choices in.

So I just think it's so important,

This sense of compassion for self as a parent.

And of course,

That that lends itself to compassion as a parent as a parent towards our children as well,

Right?

If we can be compassionate to our own circumstance,

Suddenly when our kids are struggling,

And they're going through all this incredible emotional shifting and shifts into teenage years,

What do you call that?

I love when I lose words.

What do you call this shift when they become a teenager?

Now I have menopause in my head because I'm 50.

Anyway,

You know that wonderful shift that kids,

Adolescence,

Puberty.

Thank you.

You know,

When we've had compassion for ourselves,

We're,

We're wait,

We just we already have compassion.

It's almost like we become compassionate people.

Because we do it for ourselves.

So we obviously do it for our children.

We don't expect them to just buck up and sort it out and figure it out because we know how hard it is.

This was another interesting thing when my children were very young.

I really struggled with them when they were small.

I really,

I didn't enjoy the early years.

I really,

And I wanted to like I was so judgmental of myself for not liking playing with blocks or not liking playing fish or not liking the part that that I wanted them to have a prefrontal cortex so we could have conversations.

I didn't,

I,

I just didn't enjoy that.

And I remember at one point going to a holistic healer that I was talking that I was working with at the time and,

And I just said to her,

I said,

I feel so guilty.

I'm supposed to be thankful for every moment.

I'm supposed to be thankful for having healthy children.

I'm,

I'm not supposed to feel this,

But the truth is deep down,

I really,

I'm resenting them.

And I feel sick about that because I love them.

But I mean,

It's so funny,

You know,

You tell a mom or a father,

You know,

When their children are two or three or six months and that they're exhausted,

Right?

Just exhausted.

And some parent whose children are in their thirties says,

Oh,

But you know,

Really enjoy these years because they're going to go by so fast.

And the parent just looks at them like,

Well,

There is no aspect of this going by quickly right now.

Are you kidding?

And that was me.

I was literally,

People would say that to me all the time.

And I'm thinking,

Your kids have been out of the nest for 10 years.

I don't think you remember what it's like having a busy household with toys and kids and crying and noses and dogs and cats.

And like,

I don't think you remember these years.

So this very wise woman that I would go to said to me,

Katrina,

We once raised children as a village.

We didn't have these nuclear families where you had to be everything to everyone at every stage of their life.

She said,

If you imagine you lived in a village,

The children would naturally gravitate to people who love those stages of life.

She goes,

There are people who love the baby stage.

There are people who love the toddler stage.

This isn't because you don't,

Isn't a fault of yours.

It's a fault of society that you are supposed to be all things at all stages.

And it was really hard for me because that was the decision that I realized I actually needed to put my kids in daycare,

Even though I was home on the farm.

You know,

I was still working on the farm,

But I was like,

They need to be around people who thrive at this age,

Who are excellent for children at that age.

And so I found this amazing woman who was amazing with toddlers,

Like just absolutely amazing.

And my kids loved her,

Like loved,

Loved,

Loved her.

And I had a bit of,

I had separation anxiety taking them there because I was extremely bonded.

I was extremely,

I don't know,

Connected,

I guess,

But I had an anxiety about letting them go there.

But what I really realized,

Especially as they got older,

Is I love the teens.

The teenage years are where,

Like if we lived in a village,

My house,

When I,

When my kids were teenagers,

My house was filled with teenagers.

Like that was my favorite time,

Right?

And when you think of when we all sit in a village,

How many people,

The people often who love the baby stage,

The teenage years are just,

I don't know what to do.

And that brought me great peace to know that even if there were difficult times,

That it was okay to ask for help.

And it was okay to swap off.

And if grandma and grandpa wanted to take them or if this,

Then that was great because there will come a time when I will really,

I will also thrive in this,

In this connection,

You know?

And that was it.

That was a really big deal.

It's,

And that really also comes to loving self as a parent,

Like really honoring your design,

Right?

Like whatever,

I don't know,

Like I said,

For me,

As soon as they're about 12,

I just,

It's like,

I want to hear what they have to say.

I want to know how this interesting human,

This incarnation sees the world,

Right?

This is a,

I'm so fascinated,

Right?

And this sort of lends itself back to when my kids were very small.

I had a good friend whose daughter was 16 and her daughter was kind of a cool kid.

Like she was,

If any of you have read my book,

Tontric Intimacy,

I tell this story in there because it really shaped my idea of parenting at a very,

When my kids were very young.

And so my friend's daughter had been babysitting and I was driving her home.

And somehow it came up why I asked her this,

I have no idea.

But I asked her,

I said,

So have you had sex yet?

Look again,

I can't fathom how I possibly came up with this and asked this very intrusive question of this girl.

But somehow I did.

And she said,

She says,

No.

And she says,

As if I'd even do it without talking to my mom first.

And I looked at her like,

What?

You talked to your mom before having sex?

Like I was literally like blown away.

Like my parents and I,

We had,

My parents were very loving,

But there was a definite generation gap where you did not have conversations like this with your mom and dad.

Like you hit it at all costs,

Right?

So I went to my friend,

Her mom,

And I said,

What have you done with your kids?

Like what did you do that your 16 year old daughter trusts you so much that she would talk to you about having sex?

Like I'm just,

I'm blown away.

And at this point my kids were maybe two and four,

Right?

So this topic was a long way off,

But there was something important about what she had done as a mom.

Well,

She was really interesting.

She was a single mom,

Three kids,

And really struggling,

Like very conscious of how hard it was being a single mom.

And she said,

You know,

I don't even know what I'm doing right in my own life,

Right or wrong.

She said,

So really all I want from my kids is that they trust me.

I want to be a safe place that no matter what,

They trust me.

I went home.

I mean,

I can't even tell you how long I pondered this.

And I thought,

Wow,

What if that was my only role as a parent to have a safe place for my kids to go no matter what?

What if my role wasn't about punishing or judging or guiding them on their way or anything like that?

I mean,

They will have,

They'll get guidance all over the world,

Teachers,

Other people,

Peer groups,

Everything like they'll get taken in different directions.

They'll have their own soul's desire.

What if that's not my role to mold the next generation?

What if my goal,

My role is to be the one safe place in the world for them?

And that really became a core inside of me.

And again,

My kids were very small then it wasn't like I could say to you and therefore I always said this,

Like it wasn't like that.

I just in every interaction,

The question was what creates safety for their soul?

What creates trust between us?

And this is where I think this humility really came.

The humility is a huge deal because,

And yet the second part of my description of this talk is strong.

It isn't that I was a pushover by any means because I took my role as a parent very seriously.

That my role was to protect these children.

My role was to create a space where they could grow and they could be free to be themselves.

I read a book,

I read two,

There were two books that really affected my parenting.

And one was called One,

Two,

Three,

Magic.

And the other one was called,

It was by Barbara Colaroso.

I can't remember what it's called.

That's hilarious.

Anyway,

Maybe it'll come to me.

It was a great book by Barbara Colaroso.

And what was interesting about her book is she talked about three different kinds of parents.

She said there was the jellyfish and that parent just sort of wanted to be friends with their kids all the time,

But there were no rules and always everything.

And then there were,

I think they called it the brick wall parent.

And you can imagine what the brick wall parent was.

And often,

Of course,

These go back and forth.

If you had a brick wall parent growing up,

You might be a jellyfish parent when you have children and vice versa.

If you grew up with a jellyfish family,

You might become a brick wall when you become a parent because you desire that structure.

And she said the middle ground is what she called a backbone parent.

And a backbone creates the security.

It creates the strength,

But it allows for the flux.

So that sort of started me off sort of as all you need is a backbone,

But you don't need to make all the rules.

You don't need to guide.

You don't need to tell them what to do.

And you don't need to be the thing they bang against.

And you can be their friend,

But don't forget you are the parent.

You do create the security.

And the other book,

One,

Two,

Three,

Magic,

That one came into my life when my kids were two and four.

Someone I knew,

Their children were taken away from them for abuse.

It was a long story.

And their kids were teenagers.

And so I took them in.

That's when I became a foster parent.

I took them in when my kids were one and three and those kids were 11 and 13.

So I now had this very curious child experience with my children.

Then I had these teenagers who were really struggling.

They weren't taken away for no reason.

And I was lost.

I just didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to blend these worlds.

I didn't know how to blend my world into their world.

I didn't know how to honor their path.

I was very,

Very lost.

And then this book,

One,

Two,

Three,

Magic came into my world in beautiful serendipity as things happen.

And the one thing they said was,

As a child,

The desire,

This is my memory of it because this was 20 years ago.

What a child desires more than anything is to know that they're having an impact on the world around them.

It's like throwing a pebble into the water.

They want to see the ripples because if they see the impact that they have on the world around them,

Then they exist.

It's like a child's existential crisis.

And I think we all have this.

We all want to know that we exist,

That we somehow affect others in some way,

That we matter.

And a child is the same.

So oftentimes,

And this is part of the premise of this book,

Was a child will argue with you,

Not because they really need what they want.

They just want to know they matter.

They just want to know that they're making an impact on something around you.

And because you're the parent,

You're the closest,

You're the water,

They want to make the ripple in.

But the challenge is,

Is that desire to exist can create so much chaos in a family.

Because suddenly that child wants to know they exist and that child wants to know they exist.

And all of a sudden there's battles and there's fights and everything.

Everybody wants a cookie five minutes before dinner and they didn't finish their meal yesterday and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And suddenly there's all this chaos about nothing.

It's just craziness.

And this was the other thing that I just want to mention about the Barbara Colaroso book,

The name of it's almost coming to me.

She talked about the jellyfish parent and she says one of the challenges with that is that the reality is someone does have to be driving the boat.

That a child actually feels great security when they know that someone is in charge.

And if the parent is lost for whatever reason,

This isn't a judgment if you've ever been lost as a parent,

But if the parent is lost and not finding that backbone,

A child will rise up and become the parent.

But when we really look at this clearly,

A five-year-old doesn't have the big picture.

They don't have the big picture of the financial situation or what it takes to have security or what it takes to have the whole household or whatever.

So it becomes very uncomfortable.

Again,

So important to make sure that you are in charge but not controlling.

It's an interesting balance.

It's an interesting balance within each of our psyches as we live and it's an interesting balance as a parent.

So the one,

Two,

Three magic that really,

And the whole point of this book,

I think there's a lot of gems in it,

But was to stop the nonsensical fighting so that there could be peace in the home.

And this isn't the kind of counting people out and sending them to the stairs thing.

It's not that.

So what they said is you sit down with everybody,

No matter how old they are.

And so this is what I did with,

We had these four children and the two of us,

And we sat down and we said,

Our intention is to create a peaceful home where everybody can do what they desire,

But it's happy.

So what we'd like to do is create a structure that makes sense that we all understand we're making this decision right now at our family meeting when nobody wants anything,

We're not arguing,

We're not doing anything like that.

So here are some of the rules or here's some of the ideas that are open for discussion right now here at the table.

And it might be something like,

My intention is for everyone to have a nutritious,

To have nutritious food,

And it's really important that you're hungry for meals,

So we're not allowed to eat for half an hour before dinner time.

Does everyone understand?

Does anyone have any issues with that?

You know,

But what if I'm,

You know,

Whatever,

And it's like,

It's okay,

Hunger is okay,

And you can have a conversation about it.

And you don't make a million rules,

You just make some basic ones,

Right?

And maybe there's no hitting,

Whatever the issue is,

Right?

You can't hit,

You can't be mean,

Whatever.

So then what happens is you go through life.

And let's say,

You know,

I'm,

This is always what would happen is it only happened a couple times.

This is the magic,

This is why it's called 123 magic.

So I remember standing,

I'm doing the dishes.

And the three year old comes up and he's like,

Mommy,

I just want a cookie.

No,

Honey,

Remember what we said?

There's no,

There's no,

And there's no,

I'm not,

I'm not reacting,

Right?

I'm like,

You know,

The rules.

He just sort of like,

You know that,

You know,

We're not eating within half an hour,

And it's 15 minutes before supper.

But Mom,

Right?

And as soon as that happens,

So he already knows,

He knows the rules,

Right?

And he knows that and he knows the consequences.

And the consequences are you explain this at the meeting.

And you say,

If something comes up,

And you try to go against the rules,

I'm just going to look at you and I'm just going to say one,

Not with any emotion,

No ripple in the water,

Right?

If the argument continues,

You just say two.

Nothing else,

No big emotional thing,

Right?

Doesn't matter how you're feeling just two.

And if they continue,

You pick them up,

You take them to the room,

You close the door,

And they stay in their room for one minute for every year of their life.

So the three year old stays for three minutes and the one year old stays for one minute.

Well,

The really interesting thing is,

First of all,

It only happens once.

Like once you actually just do it,

And there's no argument,

It's not a discussion,

You just do it.

And you take them to the room.

And afterwards,

They just go,

Oh,

It never happens again.

Well,

The older kids,

They had a harder time,

Right?

They were used to yelling,

They were used to fighting and battling with mom and that was sort of their accustomed behavior.

And one time,

The boy,

The 13 year old,

Oh,

He was just beside himself about something and I had to look at him and say,

Don't make me count you out,

Okay?

Because you're 13.

And he just kept going,

You know,

And I said,

One.

And he's like,

You know,

He was so mad at me.

And I finally and they kept going and I said,

Two.

And he's like,

And then he marched off to his room.

And later he told me,

He said,

Well,

If I send myself to the room,

I get to decide how long I'm there.

But bit by bit,

The fighting disappeared.

There was never any fights.

It wasn't because they weren't unreasonable rules.

And the other interesting thing about it was it also taught us as parents that you aren't allowed to make rules on the fly.

You aren't that that's wielding power that's overpowering someone who's in your care.

Just because I'm having a bad day doesn't mean everyone has to be quiet.

Right?

Just because I'm freaked out about something doesn't mean I get to change the rules in the moment.

Right?

I too abide the rules made in sober mind.

It was really beautiful and it created I think,

So I just wouldn't really want to mention those things because they really formed the foundation of where everything else came from.

I also started to really value the value the importance of just actually being present with my children.

One of the things one of the ideals when they were young was I had it in my head that extracurricular activities were really important.

It was really important.

I had this whole theory in my mind.

I am a mathematician.

So it's kind of like,

Okay,

So here's the equation.

Every child must be learning an instrument,

They must learn a sport,

They must do something artistic,

They must do all these things.

And then I am being a proper parent.

I am exposing them to everything they need.

You know,

I'm giving them all the opportunities that I can do.

I'm being the best mom I can.

So I made sure that my kids were always studying piano or violin or something and they always played soccer or baseball or broom ball.

And they always took it,

You know.

Well so then the teenagers move in and they also have all these rules,

Right.

And I remember when they were actually the first batch because obviously my kids were only one in three.

They weren't getting put into things.

So the older kids,

They went to church group,

They went to this.

I mean because I had a lot of influences from my husband's family.

And so my kids kind of became van potatoes.

That's what I called them because they weren't couch potatoes.

They just sat in the back of the minivan as I trucked the teenagers off to all their things,

Right.

And my two would sit in the back seats in their car seats and sitting in cold arenas and doing all these things.

And then when my kids got to that age,

You know,

My son had to be in karate and my daughter had to have horseback riding lessons and we still had a farm.

So this had to be done after the cows were milked or after the calves were fed or after this was done.

And because this was really,

Really important.

The exhaustion inside of me and the chaos I created in the house from these ideals were absolutely insane.

Like my poor kids would get off the bus.

They had an hour bus ride home.

We lived in the country,

Right.

So it was a long way to the school.

They took a bus ride home.

It was an hour ride.

They get off the bus and I'd be like,

Okay,

Let's get your homework done.

And then we're going to eat something really fast and then rush off to karate and then take this and then we've got to get groceries and then we get home.

This was every night of the week,

Right.

And then we had to get to the barn and it was just like this absolute chaos.

And then one day,

I'll never forget it,

My son,

He was eight years old and I was schlepping them off to karate class.

Well I live now and lived then in the middle of rural Ontario,

Canada in a snowbelt,

Which means in the winter time,

It might've been safe to drive out,

But by the time the class was over,

We had a blizzard and it was white knuckle driving all the way home.

Like literally you can't see the road.

You don't know if you're in the ditch.

You don't know if there's oncoming traffic.

You are in the middle of a blizzard and it happened all the time,

Right.

This is normal up here.

And I was getting so stressed out.

Like I just,

You talk about this weird buried resentment deep inside that I'm just busting my butt here and you're not even appreciating.

It's all my idea.

The kids didn't ask for it.

It was a hundred percent my parenting ideals coming out,

Right.

I remember one time,

You know,

We'd rushed to the barn and gotten all the chores done and you know,

And did all this stuff.

And then we had to rush it back in and get everybody cleaned up and then get into the minivan and we're heading out to the minivan and my son is dragging it,

Right.

Cause he's that sensitive soul also likes to move kind of slowly.

He's not a,

He's not a rabbit.

He's much more the tortoise energy in life,

Right?

So my tortoise is slowly coming out of the farmhouse,

Making his way to the minivan.

We are going to be late for karate class.

I'm like,

Come on,

Erin,

Let's go.

We got to get going,

You know,

And he's just like,

And I'll never forget it.

He just looked at me and he said,

Mommy,

Do we have to go?

I just stopped dead in my tracks.

And I said,

No,

No,

We don't have to go.

It's so funny.

And something kind of broke inside of me,

Like some ideal,

Some something that I had been driving myself and my children,

I'm quite sure crazy doing.

And we packed our stuff back up and went back into the house and we played cards for the night.

And then my husband came in from the barn and,

You know,

We all just sort of hung out and he made some cookies and I was so confused.

I had this strong ideal as to what,

How you raise children,

Right,

Which is a really curious thing to talk about in our current world situation where there are no extracurriculars,

But it was so interesting.

And of course,

The next day I'm at the grocery store.

And as you can imagine,

I like talk to everybody,

Right,

Whether I know you or not,

Or,

You know,

I just chat with anybody standing in the line.

And there's this guy standing behind me.

And for whatever reason,

I kind of just kept looking at him and we got talking and he says,

Again,

I can't fathom how this conversation came up.

But what I learned about him was he was one of 12 children.

And of course,

I'm in the middle of this breaking down of this idealist structure I had as a parent,

Right.

And I'm looking at him and I said,

I said,

This may be a dumb question.

I said,

But did you guys do any extracurriculars?

I mean,

12 kids.

And he looked at me and he just smiled.

Like,

I knew it was a dumb question,

But I just,

I had to somehow open that up.

And he said,

No.

He says,

We never did anything.

He says,

We just played with each other in the yard and that kind of thing.

And I said,

But like,

Isn't it important to play sports and play music and learn stuff?

Like,

Isn't this,

Isn't this important?

And I was like,

Just my mind was just blowing,

Right.

And he said,

I said,

What did you do at night after school and stuff?

He said,

We just sat around and played games and read books and whatever,

Watch TV or we just hung out as a family.

And I literally was like,

Wow.

So I went home and I said to my kids and my husband was really great.

Like he really just,

He rolled along with whatever he really,

I really was the,

I don't know how to say that.

He was happy to default to my sense of what was needed as a parent.

And he was very supportive of whatever that was.

And so we chatted about it and I said,

I said,

What if we didn't do anything extracurricular for awhile?

What if we just stopped all of it?

And what if we just played games at night and played cards and just hung out with each other instead?

Like,

Would you guys be okay with that?

They were all like,

Yeah.

You know,

And of course we had a farm,

So we ended up spending more time in the barn and that kind of thing.

But every week we planned like every Tuesday and Thursday night was game night and we play,

We would play cards.

So here's the funny thing about playing cards anyway.

And it turned out so wonderfully,

Right.

The funny thing about playing cards,

You know how earlier I said I really couldn't embrace the child phase of my children's life.

I just playing fish or whatever,

I don't know what games,

Childhood card games you play in your country,

But fish is what we play here.

And I couldn't do it.

Like my brain just was like,

Oh,

Couldn't do it.

But we play a game,

A card game called Euchre.

It's an adult card game.

And in my travels,

I've realized Euchre is not well known around the world.

But I don't know whether it's a British thing or Canadian thing or I don't know,

But it's not well known,

But it's an adult card game.

Like if I was to get together with my friends tomorrow,

I would love to sit around and play Euchre all night.

That would be a fun thing.

So as soon as my kids,

As soon as their little hands were big enough to hold five cards in two hands,

We taught them how to play Euchre.

So this is like four years old,

Two years old.

And Euchre is a game for adults.

There's strategy,

You actually have to have your wits about you.

You're not just matching cards.

But it's also chill enough that you can kind of hang out and eat chips and talk and stuff.

It's nice.

And so here are our little kids and they've got these five cards and they have to learn the rules of Euchre.

Whatever your adult game is,

That's what we taught them,

Right?

And they're playing.

And at the beginning,

You know,

I would,

We would partner with each of the kids because it's a partner game,

Like it's for four people.

And then one day,

I think the kids were maybe four and six.

And they said to us,

Well,

How about we take you guys on?

We'll play against you two.

And my husband and I are like,

Like this is,

This is a strategic game.

This is like a real adult game.

And we said,

What?

You know,

And they said,

No,

No,

We can beat you.

And so sure enough,

These two little chickens,

This four year old and the six year old,

They take on mom and dad.

And they beat us fair and square.

They actually beat us at Euchre.

There was something so joyful about this.

And this also lent itself to something.

Again that this great teacher that I had this,

This holistic health educator who helped me when who helped me know that we didn't have to be all things to our children at all times.

She said to me,

She says,

You do know that your children were born to you.

And that there was some purpose in this.

Right.

And again,

This was the message to me in this moment.

That was the medicine I needed to hear.

And the joy in playing Euchre with my kids,

Even when they were so little and then my husband's family always played Canasta.

And Canasta,

You have to be able to hold 13 to 20 some odd cards in your hands.

So again,

As soon as they could hold a few more hands cards,

We played Canasta and they figured it all out.

And I think what's really beautiful about that when you share who you really are with your children.

It's like you shine.

And you know,

What's interesting is as I'm saying this,

Because I mentioned this in a previous talk,

And someone asked about,

You know,

What if I'm adopted?

But I have to say that within that perspective,

What if that's also all on purpose?

Right?

What if what if this parent is the genetic creation of a child,

But then that child is meant to be raised by these others for some reason,

Right?

And then those adoptive parents are the ones that get to shine.

Right?

Because I think the key is it's kind of like even having a friend,

Right?

If you're friends with someone,

And that person really shows up as themselves,

We shine,

Like we resonate happiness,

We resonate clarity,

We resonate truth,

Because we're acting within our giftings,

We're acting within our truth,

We're acting within the world as we see it,

As opposed to say,

Having a friend who wants to be something else.

So they're always sort of presenting a different face.

It's almost like there's always a dissonance on the signal.

So it's hard to get close to them,

Right?

And it's hard to actually even feel who they are.

So maybe it's the same as being a parent,

That it isn't even what we do.

It's the energy that we do it with,

That if we're in line with our truth,

If we're in line with who we are as a soul,

That resonance is what our children are raised in.

And if our parents are out of line with their soul,

That lack of resonance is what our children are raised in.

Right?

Let me just mention one more thing.

And then I'm going to look at your comments and questions.

In my book,

Tontric Intimacy,

One of the foundations of,

I believe,

What all intimate relationships are,

And I don't mean just sexual or anything like that.

The foundation is love.

And what I realized when I was reading that book was,

You know,

On the foundation,

It's agape,

That love,

Kindness,

Respect.

Then the second kind of love is philia.

And philia builds on agape.

Philia is P-H-I-L-I-A.

It's like fraternal love,

Brotherly love.

And it's when you can really trust someone.

You can tell them your deepest,

Darkest,

Whatever.

And they'll say,

Wow,

That's hard.

Tell me more.

Right?

And it's almost like,

Of course,

Because this is founded on agape,

Which is pure love,

Kindness,

Respect for the other's path.

There's no judgment.

So we found out and you build on that and you have philia.

Having philia with our children,

I think is so powerful.

Like not only does it give them a place where they can actually express what's inside of them,

Maybe they also learn how to have philia with others.

So I always joked about it.

So in my book,

In the second chapter,

I talk about philia.

And it's all about creating sanctuary.

Right?

How do we be sanctuary for another person?

And it's all about that.

And so I remember even whether my kids were four years old or 14,

Whatever was going on,

We would go to the couch and we would sit there.

And again,

When my kids were four and two,

I was only 29.

I was a baby.

I'm a baby now,

Really.

I don't really know much more today,

I don't think.

Kind of always learning and growing,

Right?

But I always looked at them and I thought,

Wow,

I have no idea what to say or how to fix this.

Because I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Sorry,

I don't want to say the wrong thing.

I would just listen.

Like really deeply listen.

Not just listen to the,

He saw my thing and he always gets his way and he's always like,

You know,

Going in my room when he's not allowed to.

And you know,

I mean,

That's what you hear.

But what am I really hearing?

Right?

There was sort of a different way of listening.

It's almost like connecting heart to heart.

What I'm hearing is this,

You know,

Childlike perspective of whatever they're feeling.

And then I would also listen within my own self.

And I would listen for guidance.

And something would come up,

Sometimes nothing would come up.

Sometimes I was just meant to sit and let them talk and let them air it all out.

Sometimes I would tell some weird story about my childhood.

Or sometimes I just look at them and say,

Hey,

Do you want to go make muffins?

And we'd all just go make muffins.

And it'd be all over.

And that sort of continued right into their teenage years.

That you know,

We would just sit there,

But there was sort of an understanding that we would sit there until the energy cleared.

Like,

I mean,

We didn't use those words.

But you'd sort of sit there until either somebody cried or somebody got mad or something was said or whatever.

And then all of a sudden,

Whatever it was kind of comes to a still point.

Like,

But there was no attachment to resolving it.

Like I had no attachment to fixing the problem.

It was almost like understanding that life is just life.

Like,

That's all we're doing.

We're just flowing through the growth of all of us,

The growth of me as a human,

Getting to have these incredible little mirrors that I get to be a part of.

They are growing and in process.

So every discussion on the couch wasn't a,

Whew,

I'm so glad we fixed that problem.

Because I don't think life is like that.

I don't think life is like that as an adult.

I don't think it's like that as a child.

I think we're in this perpetual,

Juicy,

Interesting time.

So the time on the couch was just simply,

I don't even know if I could name it.

It's just,

It was just sort of a place to kind of air out the frustrated emotions or maybe allow a time to release the blockages so the emotions could flow.

And then once it was passed,

We would just sort of go on with our life.

And we did that right,

I mean,

Right to this day.

I think we still do it.

I think it's just sort of a,

And my kids are both really different.

I mean,

And this is something like,

All children are different.

I only have two.

I don't have six.

I only have two.

And my son,

For example,

Like to this day,

Like a few days ago,

I was,

I don't know,

I just wanted to get out of the house.

So I called him up.

I'm like,

Hey,

You want to go get a burger and go to the beach,

You know,

Kind of thing.

And when we talk,

My first question is always like,

Hey,

How are you doing?

And he always says,

Good.

And I always know that it'll take about 5-10 minutes before anything happens.

And normally it comes because I start saying some,

And not that I'm prying,

Don't get me wrong,

It's not like that.

I just like having real conversations.

That's all right.

And then I'll get talking about something like,

Oh,

You know,

I can't believe this or this or I read this thing that and then all of a sudden,

He'll get really thoughtful and say,

You know,

There is this thing going on.

And this has been how he's been his whole life.

It's how he communicates,

Right?

It's just,

It's great.

And then suddenly,

We're having that,

You know,

Conversation.

My daughter's totally different.

Like she's sort of,

How are you doing?

And she'd be like,

Well,

There's this and this and this and this and that.

And she's just like,

Straight up,

Easy peasy,

You know,

And very,

Very different.

But I think that's what I actually value the most in summary is to actually really know that my only role was just to be there for them to sort things out,

But to never guide them to never tell them what they should be doing or shouldn't be doing or even in their life today.

Right?

I actually don't believe in raising someone to a place where I think they should be.

I actually believe in organic growth that every single person we have to grow from where we are organically,

And all the right people will show up in exactly the right time.

Okay,

I'm going to take a look.

If you have any questions,

I can't go too far back in the chat.

So just feel free to re-ask them.

As a non-parent kid who didn't get much parenting,

I'm wondering about the applications of this possibly to re-parenting our inner children.

No,

I don't think it's off topic at all.

I think it's so important.

I think this idea of being sanctuary for self is so valuable and also being the strength and protector of self is so important.

One of the topics I was going to discuss was all about the masculine and feminine because I talk about this a lot.

The role of the parent is really to be the masculine.

Even though I'm a feminine,

Even though I'm a woman,

Being a mother is not actually feminine.

You're not in a receiving mode.

The children don't give to you.

You can receive love and all that,

But it's actually a very masculine role because the children are those chaotic,

Growth-oriented,

Wonderful beings.

So the parenting role is actually holding space for them to grow,

A space that supports whatever path they're on,

Not the path that I think they should be on,

But whatever path they're on and to create that protective thing that they don't feel like they have to take control of the world.

In re-parenting our inner child,

Imagine that.

Imagine having no judgment at all as to how our inner child is supposed to grow.

Imagine our only role as a masculine self within,

That we're a masculine-feminine within,

Is to simply create the environment for our child to blossom because our inner child is still growing today.

Our inner child didn't stop growing when we turned 18.

You can see someone,

They could be 85 years old,

And their inner child is still growing and playing and free and happy.

So I think that parent,

I think it's a beautiful application of this.

And even the protector,

It was a huge deal for me with my inner child to stop throwing my child to the wolves,

To stop putting myself in situations that I didn't really want to be in,

But I'm strong.

I'm okay.

Don't you worry about me.

When I actually think of my inner child,

It's like,

Would I throw a child into this?

No.

Not if I wanted the child to be healthy and happy.

If I wanted the child to learn to be defensive and tough and have thick skin,

Sure.

But that's not what I want.

I don't want it for me.

So I learned to say no.

I learned to be clear.

I let my yeses be yeses and my nos be nos.

I'm clear,

And it's a beautiful application.

And whether we're a parent or not,

If we are a parent,

When we are clear,

When we allow our yeses to be yeses and our nos to be nos,

Our children see this a mile away.

Because what's really interesting about that,

I want to say it again,

When we allow our yeses to be yeses and our nos to be nos,

This isn't being controlling.

This isn't making someone else do something.

This is simply honoring my truth in this moment.

That's it.

This is an incredible thing to share with our children.

Right?

And it's an incredible thing to share with our inner child that no matter what you are safe,

I will honor you.

I will listen to you.

Right?

I will honor our truth.

It's a beautiful thing.

I think what's really important about processing shame with the inner child.

So I just want to back up a little bit about that.

And I want to talk about it in terms of raising teenagers,

Or even interacting with teenagers,

Whether we have children of our own,

Or we're simply sitting with people.

And again,

We're talking about it in terms of age.

But honestly,

How many of us are teenagers right now?

Like how many of us just like,

Like sister says how,

It's so funny calling you sister,

Because I know what your name is.

But how often do we just we feel like teenagers.

We feel alone,

We feel afraid,

We don't know how to process our shame and our guilt.

And we don't know what to do with our life.

And we just want a relationship.

And we just want someone to love us.

And like,

If we really honest with ourselves,

Whether we're 50,

60,

40,

Or 14,

We're no different than the teenagers we're talking to.

And there's something really valuable about that.

That you know,

I always joked about the fact that when I first started traveling and going to tantra retreats,

And they were really,

They weren't about sex.

I mean,

They were about sex,

But they weren't having sex.

That wasn't what they were about.

They were more about they were kind of red tantra.

So it was more about consent and learning and yoni massage and things like that,

Or linga massage and things like that.

But this was I was going to all these while I had all of these teenagers living in our house.

And so somewhere along the line,

Someone said,

Well,

Where's your mom?

And they'd like,

Oh,

She's away at at tantra camp or something.

Well,

And of course,

They're teenagers.

And they're funny teenagers.

They were all drama kids.

And so somewhere along the line,

Someone said,

Oh,

Is your mom at sex camp?

And of course,

This is also coming off the heels of all the American Pie movies,

You know,

One time at band camp.

And so this just became this whole thing is like,

When's your mom getting back from sex camp,

Right?

So I would come back from sex camp,

Which it wasn't sex camp.

That's just what they called it.

And I would sit down and I would tell them everything.

And one of the interesting things that actually came up at these tantra retreats was the processing of shame was the processing of guilt because there's so much shame attached to our sexuality,

Our intimacy,

Our love,

All of those things,

Which most is imposed from our religious traditions,

From our family lines from it's not real.

It's imposed from outside.

Right?

You know,

Someone said to me yesterday,

Actually,

A friend,

She was saying she said something like,

Well,

It's not like I was like sexually promiscuous.

I mean,

I only had a few partners and I was listening to her and I said,

Why do we even have a word promiscuous?

Where did that come from?

I mean,

We know where it came from.

But it's like,

Isn't that weird that it's even part of our thought process?

Like that there's something wrong with making love with lots of people?

Whoever said that there was something wrong with that?

Right?

Like,

Maybe in the olden days,

When you got married,

When you were 15,

And you stayed together and no one was,

You know what I mean?

It's weird,

Right?

How many of these things are the shame is built into our vocabulary.

And a lot of it is just realizing that we just have to look at it.

So these are the things I would talk to the kids about the team.

And I call them kids,

I call them teenagers,

But I would talk to them as clearly as we're all talking right now.

Right?

Just because to me,

I wasn't any more of an adult than they were.

I was the one going away to tantra retreats to learn how to release shame and jealousy and guilt and sexual issues.

So we would sit around and I would talk about it and say,

Yeah,

You wouldn't believe this one thing happened.

And,

You know,

At one point,

We were doing a Yoni massage and this girl over there,

She started screaming because she was releasing the trauma of all the sex that she'd never wanted to have.

And it opened up these beautiful containers to talk about.

Don't have sex when you don't want to anybody,

Right?

And it just opened up all these beautiful abilities to have these conversations.

So sometimes the processing of shame to me is it's just even talking about it.

Looking at the words we use looking at where it came from and saying,

Yeah,

You don't get to you don't get to shame me anymore.

It's like,

No,

I have in my own sense of this.

And I pray and I listen.

And I talk with people who have very different perceptions than you do,

Whoever that you is in your life that,

You know,

Owns the book of shame that,

You know,

Puts it upon us,

Right?

Oh,

Stepmoms that are not often embraced in.

Being a step parent is very challenging.

Being a parent is challenging.

Like,

I think this is part of the challenge is,

I think we gloss over how hard it is to be a parent,

Whether you're a step parent or a birth parent or an adoptive parent or it's really,

Really hard.

It doesn't ever feel right.

You're always wondering.

You know,

I was really blessed when my children were young.

And I was sick,

Right in 1999,

I had the breast lumps had my own.

I know we've lots of you guys have heard this many times.

But the journey of my healing was all about hearing my truth,

And living my truth,

Asking the question,

Hearing the truth,

And then having the courage to step into it and do those things.

And it was a crisis.

Right?

I could have died.

And that was a really big deal.

Like that threat of death was the dark night that changed my life.

It altered my path.

My kids were two and four years old when that all happened.

And so I very quickly,

Again,

Became very humble before them.

Because I realized how hard it is to hear your inner truth,

How hard it is to be,

To live your true path.

And I was very conscious that these little ones now had to get to continue this journey on their own,

Honoring their truth.

But it was really,

Really hard.

Like being a mom,

And being a wife and being a step daughter in law,

Like there's a million rules we're playing.

And I think sometimes when we then merge families,

Step dads,

Step moms,

However we do it,

There's this added difficulty.

Because there's almost a feeling like you're supposed to step in and be a perfect parent,

But no one's a perfect parent.

Like the humility is across the board.

The requirement to be able to,

You aren't everything to your children,

No matter whether we're the birth parents,

Adoptive parents or step parents.

They really just are amazing little creatures.

They are acorns growing into oak trees.

And we just do what we can to support that.

That's it.

And I think there's a there's never expectation on the children.

All we can do as parents,

No matter how we are,

Is to grow into our own oak tree.

Right?

Really,

Really honor self.

And that's what we'll model.

Right?

Thank you so much for being here.

And I look forward to seeing you again.

We'll see you soon.

Thank you so much.