How To Love Deeply Without Attachment

We are told that we must learn to live without attachment. Yet, as humans, we love to love. We love to care for others and for others to care for us. How does this spiritual teaching apply to our lives?

Transcript

Hello there!

So today we're going to talk about how healthy detachment leads us to love each other more deeply.

Why are we talking about this?

Many spiritual teachings teach us that we need to develop detachment from the world and from others and from all these things.

But being human,

Love feels good.

It feels good to be connected.

It feels good to care about others and we want to be cared for.

So how do these two teachings,

How does this spiritual teaching and our human experience,

How do they fit together and allow us to truly thrive?

The first most important thing to note is that detachment is not disconnection.

We are meant to love deeply and be deeply connected.

Connected is very different than attachment.

When we have attachment towards someone,

We actually have objectified them.

They are either like a one-dimensional or two-dimensional version of themselves and that version of them serves us in some way.

Or maybe them being in our life provides something for us,

But it has nothing to do with the person.

It has nothing to do with love or actually being connected to that human in front of us.

Them being in our lives simply provides us with security,

Sex,

Companionship,

Status,

But has nothing to do with love at all.

So let's look at loving another human.

And this could be a partner,

It could be a child,

It could be a family member,

It could be a friend.

The key to loving a human is understanding that a human being is always evolving.

They are always changing,

They are always growing.

Even though we might have hit adult status,

Our being is always shifting with everything going on,

If we're lucky.

Because growth means we're actually alive.

That we're not just repeating the same day,

The same year,

Over and over and over again.

That we are actually sprouting new branches.

We are experiencing brand new things and new aspects of our own soul.

So how does one love someone who is always changing?

The answer is without attachment,

And actually just love the soul that is before us.

So Martin Buber once wrote a book called I and Thou.

This is what we're talking about.

That when we love someone,

I love thou.

I recognize you as a divine incarnation in human form,

Who is always exploring and evolving and growing and changing.

And therefore,

How could I have any expectations of you?

How could I ask you to stay still in some kind of freeze frame?

You are a thou.

And he discerns between the I-thou relationship and the I-it relationship,

Where you are actually an object in my life.

Perhaps you are my wife or husband,

And I have expectations around what that means,

And you have to fulfill them.

Well,

You are no longer a thou.

You are an it in my life.

You are just an object that must now fulfill these obligations to me.

When you are an it,

I expect you to always be here.

I expect that your desires in life or in marriage or anything match mine,

And that includes children,

Parents,

Partners.

I expect,

Especially in a relationship,

That our goals are always the same,

Or that maybe with our children that we hold the same values.

Why would we assume that if they are a thou and not an it?

As previously mentioned,

You are an it if being with you provides me security,

Provides me sex,

Provides me company,

Makes me feel loved and lovable,

Or maybe I achieve a kind of status because I am married,

I am partnered,

I am wealthy,

I am interesting,

I am famous,

Whatever.

In all of these instances,

The other person is simply an object.

It is an I-it relationship.

You have attachments to this other person acting a certain way,

Being a certain way,

Looking a certain way.

This is not love.

So to imagine living without these attachments seems quite foreign because we've lived with this for a long time.

Imagine living without the attachment that the other person must always be there.

This goes along with that till-death-do-you-part thing,

Or never wanting one of your children to move across the world.

I have children.

Would I want them to move across the world versus live in the same community as I am?

Of course I would love for them to be close.

But if they're called to live on the other side of the world,

Then that's awesome.

That's their journey.

I love them enough that I want them to explore their experience here on earth.

It isn't about me.

If I have a partner,

And for some reason our relationship is no longer serving one of us or both of us,

The most loving thing for both of us is to part ways and continue on our authentic journey.

If I love this person,

If I see them as a thou,

Isn't that what I would want for them?

And yes,

It could bring up grief,

And it could be difficult to lose this person that we've been with for so long.

But grief is good.

Grief is healthy.

It's just a human emotion.

It means we're alive.

It means we love.

It means we lose.

And then the sun comes out again.

It's all good.

Imagine living without the attachment that the other person can't change.

Imagine being intrigued by their change,

By loving getting to be side by side with them while they evolve into their brightest,

Most wonderful self.

How cool is that?

What an honor is that?

And maybe them changing acts as a catalyst for you changing and growing and evolving.

And perhaps them changing doesn't mean the end of a relationship.

It means that the two of you now have something new and interesting to explore.

To change is to be alive.

So now imagine you're with someone long-term or short-term,

But let's pretend it's long-term.

And both people are always evolving and changing and exploring.

And you have this wonderful loving baseline between you.

Can you have a more wonderful,

Joyful relationship than that?

From a tantric perspective,

This feeling of love pouring out of us uninhibited towards another being is the feeling of the divine flowing through us.

It expands us and lights us up in the most wonderful ways.

And there's a little added bonus that I'd like to tack on to the end of this.

In a moment,

I'm going to read you a beautiful sutra from the Radiant Sutras,

Which is a translation of the Vijnana Bhairava Tantra.

But in it,

He talks about how when we are completely devoted to another without attachment,

This is when our divine intuition flows.

And we talk a lot about intuition,

Wanting to be able to hear that higher guidance,

Wanting to be able to live in a very different way than just sort of clip-clopping through life in the way our brain might tell us to.

But intuition lives at a subtle realm,

A realm that is beyond our intellect or our instincts.

So if we have attachments that are connected with our instincts,

Survival,

Companionship,

Must have other warm body in bed,

Then that's all the information we're going to get in terms of guidance.

We must do whatever it takes to keep this person close.

It's a survival question.

If we have ideas in our mind about status,

About whether we're lovable,

About all these kind of things,

We will then think hard and use our brain and use everything we know and whatever leverage and mechanisms we have to keep this person,

To hold on to them,

To maintain our attachment to them.

But if we don't have any attachments,

That we know we live in abundance,

We know we're safe,

We know that we too are divine beings here on earth,

Well now suddenly we have the ability to listen to the subtle realms.

We are able to hear our highest intuition.

And the beautiful thing is when we practice love towards another person this way,

We begin to do it with all people.

And then we begin to do it with all situations,

With our job,

With where we live,

With how we see the community,

With how we see the world.

And we learn to love in this devoted way without attachment.

And our intuition hums.

And it's easy to hear.

And it's easy to walk according to our divine self.

So I'm going to finish off by reading a verse from the Radiant Sutras.

This is a beautiful book written by Lauren Roche.

It's verse 98.

Be wildly devoted to someone or something.

Cherish every perception.

At the same time,

Forget about control.

Allow the beloved to be herself and to change.

Passion and compassion,

Holding and letting go.

This ache in your heart is holy.

Accept it as the rise of intimacy with life's secret ways.

Devotion is the divine streaming through you from that place in you before time.

Love's energy flows through your body,

Toward a body,

And into eternity again.

Surrender to this current of devotion and become one with the body of love.

So going forward,

A wonderful practice is to choose one person that you love and allow this open-hearted devotion to flow through you and into the other with no attachments and truly allow your eyes to see them for who they actually are right now,

In their perfection,

In their glory.

And just to see how that feels and how it changes every aspect of your life.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Reviews

I came across this talk in a totally random way, but found it remarkably insightful and something I truly needed to hear. Once again I am shown that there are no coincidences! Thank you 🙏

I needed to hear this, and I will listen again and again. Truly inspiring. Thank you 🩷

Deeply clarifing attachment, detachment and love. Bringing the factor of personal growth into this discourse, allows a jubilant dance of two individuals.
Will take this teaching to heart for my next relationship.💜

Well that’s what i needed to hear right now ☔️❤️😎⚡️

It's like attachment stems from fear and devotion from love 🤍🤍🤍

Profoundly influences perspectives on love’s meaning and importance. A much-needed shift in approach, for everyone. Sutra 98 brings joyful radiance! Thank you, Katrina for your leadership and support. May you know you are a beloved treasure! Sincerely, Becca ❤️