How To Connect Better With People We Care About

We come from generations of interacting with others in ways that don't connect us. Sometimes we are co-dependent or there are power-plays. Maybe there is unkindness that pushes us away. Let's learn about how to cut through all of our history, start fresh, and really connect with others.

Transcript

So today we're talking about how to connect better with those we love or those around us.

This actually came out of a question from someone in our community who really wanted to go deeper into this.

One of the main reasons that I really want to talk about this and why we have to talk about it is because historically we've never been taught how to actually connect with each other.

Not in a hard way.

We've been taught that connection means we're touching or we're close together or we're living in the same house or we have similar friends or our families are combined or we work together.

And in some way,

This is connection.

Like if we just look at the definition of the word connection,

You know,

If two train cars hook together,

They're connected.

And in a lot of ways,

That's how we define connection.

Well,

We're related.

Well,

We're married.

Well,

It's my dad or my son or whatever.

So we are connected.

And in some way,

We don't really know how to go beyond that.

It's almost like the only goal in the past has been,

How do you,

Okay,

Okay,

So we're connected.

How do we survive it without killing each other?

How do we survive it and still try to be myself,

Be sovereign,

Be unique?

How do I do that in connection?

Because I'm connected to these people and they're driving me crazy.

Do you know what I mean?

Like,

It's almost like we've just been taught how to survive connection to other humans.

So even the definition of connected,

Like very often,

Even let's say you're in a really unhappy relationship.

One of the greatest challenges in leaving the relationship is all the million connections that you share together.

Your families are intertwined.

Your friends are intertwined.

You have the holidays.

But these aren't,

This isn't the kind of connection we're talking about and it's not the kind of connection we desire.

The question that was posed that created this class was,

But how do I connect truly with the people around me?

How do I connect heart to heart?

How do I connect soul to soul?

How do I,

It's almost like as humans,

How do we connect?

We understand how train cars connect.

We understand how robots connect.

There's even this sense of a clan or even a herd of animals that they're all kind of in the vicinity.

They know that they have to stick together for safety and food and that community.

With animals anyway,

There's some kind of conscious instinct that connects you.

And even in the clan mentality or the tribe mentality,

There's sort of this understanding that we're kind of in it together.

But doesn't really speak to the individuals inside of there.

And are they connecting?

And that's what we're going to talk about today,

Because we're never taught this.

We're never taught how to actually,

Oh,

Like you're another human.

How do we connect and create a bond?

And I don't mean bondage.

I mean a bond,

Like an actual beautiful,

Flowing river of connection that's there.

How do we do that?

So I want to show you something.

So I've been teaching Tantra for a long time.

And at one point people were saying,

Is there a book that I could read that would help me understand this?

And what was really interesting about teaching Tantra and tantric intimacy and deep connection and kind of a shift in even sexual,

Our sex life and stuff.

It wasn't working like we were missing something.

And so when I wrote my book,

Tantric Intimacy,

I was trying to figure out what the foundation was that we were missing.

And so I ended up the whole first section was all about redefining love,

Redefining what it means to love.

Because this also goes along with this curious definition of connection that love means we're in the same family.

So obviously we love each other.

Love means that we're physically close to each other.

Love might even,

We might think that means that we're sexually attracted to each other so we have sex.

But none of this is actually love.

It could be,

But it's not necessarily love.

You know,

It's like,

Well,

You know,

I love you,

Right?

And it's like,

Well,

I know you something.

You maybe enjoy being around me or you enjoy something.

But is it love?

So I realized I had to redefine love because love,

My teacher Jim years ago,

My first spiritual teacher,

He would define love as connection,

As the way human beings connect,

Which is very interesting.

And it may not seem very romantic,

But when you really think about that,

It's almost what is that energy that draws us together,

Which is different than the coupling of cars,

Like a train car.

What's the energy that draws you and I together?

And to him,

That would be love.

And so when we define love,

We look at,

You know,

There's many,

Many kinds of love,

Especially if you go back to the ancient Greek.

But the three that were really interesting to me were Agape,

Philia and Eros.

And Agape is the foundation of love.

Like you will never be able to have a heart connection with someone unless you have Agape.

And Agape is this recognition that every single one of us has a unique path.

That I have some journey that this soul is meant to take and you have a journey that your soul is meant to take.

Those journeys are not dependent on each other.

I can't have an expectation of you that takes you off your journey.

Like,

Why would we do that?

Why would I ask you to do something that's not on your path?

And so Agape says,

I recognize that you are a separate soul than I am and that you are on a journey and I am on a journey.

And Agape also says that I recognize that our journeys might be hard.

And so we're kind to each other,

No matter what it is.

We kind of we're just kind to each other.

We say,

Hey,

You know what?

We're all in this together.

Kudos to you.

Can you imagine looking at all the relationships in your life and allowing there to be Agape?

That they don't have to act any kind of way to make you happy.

They have to act in accordance to their truth,

In accordance to their soul's path.

It doesn't matter if they're our parents and we wish they acted differently.

It doesn't matter if it's our children and we wish they acted differently.

It's not our partners.

It's not our colleagues that we actually consider that every single person is a unique soul.

Like this is a massive paradigm shift.

Like it's not a little thing.

Because we have so much expectation and so much disappointment in people.

And those are massive air quotes around disappointment.

This is not Agape.

This is asking other people to leave their path to fulfill something that you want on your path.

This is not love.

This is objectification.

This is all kinds of things,

But it's not love.

And it's not connection.

And then the next kind of love is called Felia.

And Felia is brotherly love.

Obviously,

This is not gender based.

It's the love we feel for people we know and trust and we go deeper with.

So these are the people that not only we obviously already have Agape.

And so from there,

We then can now share ourselves.

We can be confidants.

We can have each other's back.

We can know that,

OK,

They're really they're really hurting.

You know what I mean?

We'll help them out.

But you can feel it.

It's in the connection.

The other person almost doesn't have to say it because it's just known because you have this beautiful stream of genuine connection between you.

This is Felia.

And then beyond that,

You have Eros.

And sometimes you have romantic love.

Like sometimes it goes deeper.

And for some reason with this person,

I feel a little extra something something.

And that's not with all people,

But every so often.

And true Eros exists within Felia,

Which exists within Agape.

And we don't actually we can't skip the Agape stuff.

We can't skip these things.

We have to have all of them.

So when I wrote my book,

I was thinking about this.

And I asked a friend of my daughter's who's an artist to create a pictorial representation of this love in a relationship.

And she drew this tree.

And this tree,

Agape was the roots that stretched down into the earth that nourished the whole tree.

Which is why it's so important that Agape is our foundation.

And then Felia was the trunk and the branches.

And then Eros was perhaps the leaves and the blossoms of the tree.

And this is why Agape is so important,

Because you can imagine,

Like,

When there's an unkindness,

It doesn't necessarily destroy the relationship right away or destroy the connection,

But it's like you just severed one of the roots.

Did it kill the tree right away?

Did it kill the relationship?

No,

But it weakened it.

And it cut off some some sources of nutrition and water and what have you.

And then if you cut off another one,

Then maybe you cut off another one.

And bit by bit,

Then the leaves start to die.

And the tree no longer blossoms.

And bit by bit,

The tree dies or the relationship dies.

So this Agape is the foundation of how to create connection with everyone in our lives.

And without it,

There is no connection.

So I have an online course called Foundations for Tantric Intimacy.

And the very first step,

Because the whole point of that course is that first step is actually creating an entirely new foundation for connection,

Which is what we're talking about today.

And this kindness,

This Agape is actually the first step of the whole course.

And for one week,

Let's say you're doing it with a partner.

You have to be 100 percent kind with this other person.

Or if you want to develop a connection with your children,

You have to be 100 percent kind with them.

And this doesn't mean being a doormat.

It doesn't mean doing things you don't want to do.

It means kindness.

It doesn't mean having to be in a good mood all the time.

You can be in a horrible mood.

But then you come up against someone and they say,

How are you doing?

You're like,

You know,

I'm actually really angry and I'm really frustrated.

Not really good company right now.

So I'm just going to kind of spend some time alone and hopefully I'm feeling better and then we can reconnect.

OK,

That's a whole different thing than I'm angry and you walk into the room and you suddenly take your anger out on the other person.

So it's not about changing how you feel.

It's about how we treat other people.

It was amazing in the beginning years when people would send their homework back to me and they'd say,

Well,

That's ridiculous.

No one can be 100 percent kind.

You know,

Sometimes I have a bad day.

Sometimes I'm angry.

Sometimes I didn't get enough sleep.

Sometimes they just piss me off.

Of course,

I'm not going to be kind.

And yet they were seeking connection.

And the challenge is,

Is when we don't have kindness,

We always create distance between us.

And it doesn't matter whether it's sarcasm.

It doesn't matter whether they're jokes with a jab.

It doesn't matter whether,

Oh,

For God's sake,

They're just being too sensitive again.

You know,

All that stuff.

It doesn't matter how we judge it.

The end result is distance.

Lack of connection,

A break in the connection.

So we do this exercise with people and say,

Because people would say,

Well,

I don't even know if I'm being kind or I don't even know if that's.

I mean,

People have treated me like crap my whole life.

I don't even recognize the difference between kindness or not.

Or maybe people,

Someone says,

Well,

People keep saying I'm not kind,

But I don't know what they're talking about.

So it's really interesting to imagine this scenario.

You're standing in front of someone or you're sitting with them and they say something.

Energetically,

Does that make you want to step back or lean in?

If you say something to someone,

Does that person energetically step away or physically or step towards you?

That's how you know if something's kind or not.

Even if you want to say something to someone,

Will this push them away a little or will it draw them to you?

Because very often,

Like we've been taught some weird things,

Like we're supposed to fix other people and we're supposed to give them unsolicited advice.

Well,

Energetically,

We know what unsolicited advice does.

Someone comes up to you and say,

Hey,

You know what you should do?

Nine times out of ten,

The person receiving this advice backs up.

On occasion,

The person receiving it goes,

Wow,

That was just what I was looking for.

And they lean in.

This is not normal.

Normally,

When someone's giving you unsolicited advice,

It's unkind.

It's a judgment.

It's a simplification.

It's an overreach.

This is not kind.

And it's things like that that cause so much distance in families,

In friends,

In partnerships with children,

Everything.

This idea that we have any idea what another soul's path is.

How in the world?

I could look at someone else's life and I could think,

Wow,

They should be doing this and this and this and this.

How in the world would I know?

They are multidimensional beings,

Perhaps with many lifetimes and karma and samskaras and who knows what?

How in the world could I know what their next step is?

How do I know that?

It's always interesting when you imagine like climbing a mountain.

It's really an oversimplification to say that the fastest way to the top is straight up.

Because sometimes you can't go straight up for whatever reason.

Sometimes you have to go to the side.

Sometimes you have to go to the side and go down a little and around.

But we don't know that.

And every single one of us is climbing a different mountain.

So we could look at someone else and we could think,

Why are they going backwards?

From my perspective,

They seem to be taking steps backwards.

But we don't know the mountain they're climbing.

We don't know.

And I'm not talking about their relationships.

I'm talking about their soul's journey.

We don't understand that.

And so it's a really interesting thing in relationships to really look at this other person as a soul.

Not as our lover or not as our child,

Not as our parent or not as our friend,

But as a soul.

And we can kind of look at them and say,

Wow,

What a journey this is,

Eh?

And we can't really talk about any judgment at all.

So one of the challenges,

If someone does this to me,

Well,

How do I connect with this person?

How do I create a connection?

One of the things we have to ask ourselves,

Are we connecting with the right people?

And if we're talking about a history based on centuries and thousands of years of patterning,

We often choose to try to connect with the wrong people.

Sometimes we choose,

Say,

A partner for money and security.

Maybe we want to have a partner because how they look,

Because we want to have a gorgeous partner according to society or something.

Or maybe we want to have the prestige of this connection with this person.

Or maybe we're just terrified to be alone.

And it doesn't matter who you are,

It doesn't matter how you treat me.

I just don't want to be alone.

That's not a great foundation for creating a heart connection.

You know,

If we don't actually choose this other person because we resonate with them or that they too desire a heart connection with us,

That's a really hard battle.

We both have to want it.

We both have to want to have,

Lots of people want to just have that connection of the two railroad cars coming together.

That's good enough for them.

Proximity,

That's close enough.

If the other person wants a heart connection,

They're sunk.

There's no,

That's not it.

So here's the thing.

How do you connect with this person?

At a distance.

Because we honor their journey.

For whatever reason,

This person is not interested in that.

So if I want to stay connected,

I can still be me.

But I don't expect anything out of them that they don't desire.

Every single one of us is so unique.

So the connection that we have with each person around us is different.

And then it's like,

Well,

What if it's family?

You know,

What if,

What if,

You know,

I'm stuck with them,

You know,

Because it's family.

And it's like,

Well,

Then you look at each individual person in the family and you say,

Well,

What's that person's nature?

What kind of connection do they seem to want with me?

Maybe they just kind of want you around on Sunday.

Like,

Is that okay?

Is that what you want?

Well,

If it is,

Then maybe they like playing cards.

And so play cards.

This isn't about being a doormat.

This isn't about planning your life for other people.

I'm just saying if we desire a connection with this person,

Then how can that work that honors both of us?

Not everybody wants to go deep.

Not everybody wants to share their inner truth.

Not everybody wants to know about our spiritual journey.

Sometimes we kind of judge the connection based on how interested they are in us.

And it's like,

But they're on their own path.

And if there's things you want to share,

Are you things you then share them.

But again,

We don't want to have this codependence where the other person has to be kind of focused on us.

You know,

We really are independent humans.

This brings us into this this whole conversation about codependence,

Because we're really taught how to be codependent.

And inside a codependent relationship,

Any kind of true heart connection is very,

Very difficult.

One of the reasons for that is that when I am codependent on you loving me,

I will not even necessarily share my truth with you about anything.

I may not share how I feel truthfully with you.

Because what if you don't like it?

What if you get angry?

What if you don't like me anymore and you leave?

And because I am dependent on this relationship existing,

I am shutting down my heart.

Because I am not sharing my truth.

I am not sharing my emotions.

Truth and emotions right here in the heart.

So if I am afraid of this relationship going sour because I'm honest with myself,

It is impossible for me to have a genuine heart connection with you.

This is impossible.

I have shut down my heart.

It's not them not connecting with me.

It's me not being honest,

Because I'm too afraid of losing this relationship.

Another big part of codependent relationships is not just the fear of the loss of the other person,

But we objectify each other.

So in a codependent relationship,

You have to act a certain way to make me feel good.

So the codependents assume that each person has a role to play.

Here's your script.

Here's how you have to act to make me feel good.

Maybe you have to think I'm beautiful and you have to compliment me and you have to tell me that you love me three times a day because that's what makes me feel good.

Well,

What if this other person isn't like that?

What if this person doesn't say I love you just all the time?

What if they're not like that?

So that's them.

Like who is this person?

Is this person an object that's like a robot that's supposed to do this thing for you?

Or are they an independent soul on a journey?

If they're an independent soul on a journey,

Then my role in this relationship is to explore the connection of these two independent souls.

We don't have an expectation of each other.

Or maybe I expect you to make X amount of money.

Or I expect you to take out the garbage or I expect you to do whatever.

And don't get me wrong,

If I lived in a house full of people,

We're all adults.

Like I'm having this whole conversation assuming we're acting as adults and not children.

If we're acting as adults,

Obviously we're all going to share in the household chores.

We're all adults.

And so we're going to have a conversation and one person is going to take out the garbage and one person is going to do the dishes or whatever.

We're going to figure it out.

I'm not talking about that stuff.

But what's really interesting in codependence is I already know what you're supposed to do and by you doing that,

It shows me that you love me and all this stuff.

This is not a thing.

We have to be independent enough that if another person,

Like it's funny,

Like,

You know,

I was married for 20 years and since then I've had other partners or lovers or whatever.

And it's always been interesting to me because I would never want a person to change in order to be with me.

It might be really easy for them to say,

Well,

What do you want me to be?

Like if I'm upset with them or something.

Well,

What do you want me to be?

I'm like,

I don't want you to be anything.

I want you to be you.

And if how you naturally are isn't compatible with me,

Then we're not compatible.

Then I'm going to be asking you to climb a mountain you don't want to climb.

It's so much better to allow relationships to flow in truth.

As opposed to this constant forcing puzzle pieces to fit that don't fit.

This was the number one reason that I left my husband.

I mean,

He's a great guy and we're still friends and it's all very amicable.

But after 20 years of raising kids and having businesses and doing everything we did,

I realized that we had different goals in life.

We just had completely different goals.

And the kindest thing was to allow us to separate and pursue the goals that each of our souls really wanted to do.

And that's not the answer for everybody,

But it's just really interesting to look at our relationships and ask ourselves,

Am I asking this person to bend themselves into something that they're not?

Because that's codependence and that's not connection.

And it's actually shocking sometimes how often our relationships actually are codependent.

You even look at the relationship between parent and child.

This is often very codependent.

Because we want our parents to act a certain way.

And this is very historical,

Right from our very childhood,

Which is a lot more complicated than I'm going to give it justice right now.

And if we flip it and we imagine from the parent to the child.

How often as a parent we're like,

Well,

We have all kinds of expectations that they have to do this or they have to get a university degree or they have to get married or they have to have children or they have to be straight or they have to be whatever.

We have all these weird expectations about them.

It's like,

But they're an independent soul.

What in the world does their path have to do with yours?

Unless in some way that child is some kind of weird reflection of me and therefore we have a codependent relationship.

And I believe that I then have a say in their life because if they do something sideways,

Then that's going to make me look bad.

Well,

This will destroy any connection.

It will destroy any love.

Because we know when someone doesn't approve of us,

We know when someone thinks we should be doing something different.

And it creates such a distance in the heart.

It doesn't matter if we sit at Thanksgiving dinner together.

The hearts are shut down.

The codependent thing is a huge,

Huge thing.

It's interesting when we think of children,

Because to even imagine the idea that our children aren't ours.

They're not our possessions.

They're not a reflection of us.

They're not anything.

They are literally souls that came through us onto the planet.

But we have no idea what they're all about.

But historically,

And again,

We have to be really gentle with ourselves because we are in a transitional period of learning how to have genuine connection with people.

This is not something we learn for our parents and grandparents and great grandparents.

So we have to give ourselves some a learning period here.

We can't just dive into it or even criticize everybody around us because they're not good at it.

Nobody learned this.

This is new.

For example,

Historically,

Parents were taught that you formed the child and that anything that child did was a reflection of you.

You know,

Which is why we love bragging about our children,

But ignoring the things that they did badly because we're taught that,

Ah,

Yes,

They were raised by me and therefore blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

It's like,

No,

You provided a home.

And I'm not saying parents don't have an influence on their children,

But we can't own anything.

They are independent souls with choice.

And those children make choices every single day,

Independent of us,

Hopefully.

But that's not what we were taught.

We were taught that we had to discipline them to be in the right path.

Spare the rod,

Spoil the child.

This is not that old.

This is within the last 50 years and all before that.

This is normal that we believe that there's this interesting codependent relationship or,

I don't know,

Weird relationship between the parent and the child.

So if we like shift out of that and we say,

Well,

Then how do we create an actual genuine heart connection with our children?

It comes back to this agape and we say,

All right,

Well,

Let's imagine that I am personally a soul on a journey.

And my child is an independent soul on their journey.

What is my role to assist them in their adjustment to living on Earth?

Well,

I will provide a home,

I will provide food,

I'll provide love.

And that's it.

And then the seed is planted and then we just get to see what kind of tree this is.

It's a dangerous thing if you're an oak tree and you think everything should be an oak tree.

What if they're not?

What if they're a beautiful,

I have the word bonsai in my head,

Which obviously is the completely opposite kind of tree that I want to say.

But what if it's an evergreen or a yew or something else?

Like it's another beautiful tree.

Well,

We don't know that because we didn't create that seed,

Even though it came from inside of us.

They are unique seeds.

And the only role of the parent is to watch the tree grow.

That's it.

Not to direct it,

Not to create a bonsai tree out of it,

Not to try to hone it and get it to go this way and that way,

But to actually see which.

What kind of beautiful human is this?

And the hard thing is,

A society has created all these ideas that this is the ideal,

This is success.

This is where you should be by the time you're 20,

30,

40,

50.

This is what you should have accomplished.

This is what you should have done.

And as parents,

We impose these strictures on our children and say,

Come on,

Why haven't you done this yet?

What's wrong with you?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And it's like the child's like,

I'm still growing.

And so are we.

And so it's really interesting when we really look at our children and say,

And we just watch them.

We don't watch them from on high knowing what's right for them.

How in the world could we know what's right for them?

I'll never forget when my children were little and I just would look at them.

My kids are 25 and 27 now.

When they were little and I would just stare at these beings and I think,

How in the world could I make the right choice for you?

How in the world?

What if I say something wrong?

What if I lead you astray?

What if I do?

And I was so concerned about it.

Luckily,

When they were two and four,

That's when I had the breast slumps.

That's when I had my great,

If anyone's new,

I wrote a book called What If You Could Skip the Cancer that talks all about that great journey and miraculous healing.

But the real part of that journey was learning to listen within and learning to ask for guidance.

And luckily,

That all happened when my kids were very small.

And because I almost died and all the women in my family had died of cancer,

It was really,

Really potent.

It was a really heavy stick.

And I would sit there and whenever anything came up,

I was always so afraid of making the wrong choice.

I would just sit back and pray or I would ask for help or I'd meditate on it and ask for guidance.

And to me,

This is the most powerful tool you can use when you want to create connection or you want to mend connection with anybody.

Children,

Friends,

Colleagues,

Grandparents,

Lovers,

Whoever you want.

It's always about this listening within and asking for guidance.

Like you have no idea how often I do this,

Especially in a difficult conversation,

Especially when something's gone off the rails and it's hard and emotions are high or people have sort of taken the silent stance.

And I would always just sit there and I close my eyes and I ask for help.

I'm like,

I need the words.

I want to reconnect.

I want us to find the solution and not just the reconnection,

But I want to find the solution to this problem that's now separated us.

It's not just about mending it without fixing it.

It's about what are we missing?

What are the pieces we're missing to get this glued back together?

Anyone who's ever been with me as a lover or partner or kids or friends or anybody,

They'll watch me like as soon as something goes hard,

I just close my eyes.

I don't do it on purpose.

I just close my eyes and I wait for the words to come.

And it always works.

The words always come.

It's very,

Very interesting.

The other connection I want to talk about is the connection between lovers.

And I'm not talking about married people or partners or anything like that.

I'm talking about lovers because sometimes people choose to be married,

But they don't want to be lovers.

They just want a companion.

And that's OK.

I mean,

That's great.

Right.

Or they just want someone to share the bills with or they just want someone because,

You know,

They've got grandkids together and but they're not concerned about being lovers.

So a lover could be someone you've been married to for 50 years.

It could be someone you've just started a relationship with.

It could be someone that is a very casual lover.

It could be anything.

But the connection between lovers is very,

Very unique.

There's a potential there for the kind of feeling inside,

The kind of love that many of us really desire.

It's almost like we know it's possible.

We don't know quite how to get there.

And a lot of this,

Again,

Begins with that tree idea about love,

That the foundation of being true lovers is there has to be this agape.

And what agape does between lovers is it thrills upon the differences between us.

Lovers don't need each other to be the same.

We don't want to have an expectation of each other because our desire is this fantastic,

Loving connection.

So if you are extremely different than I am,

What an adventure.

What an honor to get to open our souls and share these incredibly unique lives with each other in platonic intimacy or sexual intimacy,

Whatever.

But this kind of really deep,

Loving connection.

This is amazing.

So there's no desire of making the other person do something.

You don't ever want to have an expectation of them because you genuinely want to know their true response.

But you genuinely want to know what is your soul desiring right now?

That's what I want to know.

And when two people share their desires and play with them and have this dance,

That's when all the fireworks and the joy and the excitement happens that we imagine from the movies or from the songs and all that kind of thing.

So agape,

This respect for each other's journey is so beautifully intact because we would first of all always be kind because our only desire is to connect deeper and to merge together.

Why in the world?

And the wild thing is when you feel that deep connection,

That merging,

If you hurt the other person,

You hurt you.

Because you are actually heart connected to this other person.

So you actually can't hurt them because you feel their heart.

And so agape is this lovely container of safety and kindness and joy because you know that this other person genuinely wants you to be your greatest self.

Then you have philia within that because this person starts to know you inside and out.

They know you intimately.

They know your fears.

They know your tears.

They know what you look like when you're having an orgasm.

They know what you feel on a bad day.

Like that philia is so powerful between lovers.

And then you have eros,

That absolute spark of romance and everything.

If this is what we desire with a partner,

With a future partner,

With a current partner,

There is such an incredible gratitude that we always want to have with this other person in our life.

That we actually are,

Let's say we're lying in bed with them and we're naked and we're looking at this other person and saying,

Wow,

I get to be here with you.

To never lose that absolute amazement because to understand this person is an independent person.

This isn't a codependent relationship or anything else.

They could walk out the door as easily as they could lay beside you in the bed.

And they're choosing to lay beside you in the bed.

How exciting is that?

And there is this gratitude and as soon as this gratitude happens,

It's like your hearts just expand open and those hearts kind of blend together and then something really,

Really beautiful happens.

And this is kind of this ultimate connection.

And I bring that up because now you imagine this,

Even if you don't have it in your life,

Maybe you're not even sure you want it.

Just imagine that for a moment and then bring that into all of our other relationships.

Imagine having this with if you have children or you have nieces or nephews or good friends that have children,

You look at the children and you look at them with the same amazement and gratitude and think,

Wow,

We get to hang out.

Really?

Isn't this amazing?

Or we look at our parents,

Whether we're close to them,

Whether they're crazy,

Whether who knows,

Maybe they're even they struggle with addiction and we've never even met the real person because we've only ever seen the alcohol soaked or drug soaked person.

We don't even know the soul inside.

But somewhere inside there is a soul.

A hurting soul,

If that's the case.

But wow.

Isn't this a miracle?

Or to have to look around at the friends in our lives and the supports and the community,

Whether it's a yoga class or whether it's an art group or whether it's people you love to go hiking with.

And you look at these people and you're like,

Wow,

I'm so glad I get to be a part of this.

You know,

There's like this incredible gratitude.

And when we walk around like that connection's easy.

Because you're just so thankful.

And because we're not needing the other person to do anything for us,

They're not an object in our life.

They're not something that has to satisfy me.

I don't need you to act this way to make me feel a certain way.

I need you to act this way to make me feel secure in my life.

I am secure in my life.

I am happy.

I am me.

And I'm so grateful that you're in my life.

When we can have a relationship in that place with anybody.

Connections very,

Very easy.

Which is why I think so many of our spiritual paths are so much about our own journey.

Like how do I become this beautifully aligned person between my first chakra deeply in the village and nature and the earth all the way up to my seventh chakra where I fully understand my connection in the galaxy in the bigger picture.

We need,

That's the limbo piece.

That's the transitional piece that every single one of us needs to find that happiness within,

That alignment within.

From there we can go out and really connect with people in beautiful gratitude.

I'm going to put my glasses on if I can find them.

And then I can read the chat.

If you have any questions,

I'd be more than happy to answer them.

In theory this sounds great but what do you do with a partner that likes to use gummies to check out?

Yeah.

Again,

Like we just come to this place where we start to ask ourselves,

You know,

What's the real nature of our relationship?

Are we friends?

Is that really what we are?

We're just friends that have known each other a long time.

But we're not really lovers anymore.

We're not really on the same journey.

We just have to really ask ourselves some hard questions.

It has nothing to do with what our partners are doing.

We just have to ask ourselves,

Does this person that I'm with want the same things I want?

And maybe we need to somehow shift what's possible.

For example,

It's so interesting and I'm not saying this is right or wrong.

But historically there's only ever been one way to have a relationship.

That you are supposed to meet the love of your life in your 20s and you get married.

And you are monogamous and you stay together till death.

That is the only successful relationship that exists.

And whether we believe that or not,

That lives deeply in our consciousness.

That lives,

It whispers to us.

So what's really interesting is you imagine if you're in a relationship and you actually want romance and joy and a deeper connection.

But your partner would rather check out for whatever reason.

Imagine looking at this with a very clear mind.

You really look at the partner and say,

Hmm.

So that soul desires this and my soul desires this.

Now,

Let's imagine we don't live in the box that was created by the church and our forefathers.

And we said to our partner,

You know,

We have a really beautiful connection in many ways.

But one way,

You know,

I really do desire a deeper connection.

I desire more romance and I don't really feel like that's what you want.

And maybe you have a conversation and they say,

Yeah,

I'm not really into that kind of thing.

And then you might say,

Well,

What would you think of opening the relationship?

And maybe I'll have a lover because I really desire this and I know you don't want it.

And we seem to kind of still have something good going here.

So could we do something that changes that up?

And I'm not saying everyone should be polyamorous.

That's not what I'm saying at all.

I'm just saying sometimes we don't have to live according to the box that our forefathers gave us.

And then our partner then has the opportunity to say,

No,

No,

No,

But I'm that person.

I'm the person you're intimate with.

And you're like,

Yeah,

But you're not even here.

It doesn't seem to be like I'm just trying to read you.

I'm just trying to look and see what you seem to want.

Like I'm not trying to make you into something you're not.

It just seems to be that you would rather relax or not actually pursue me or be romantic or do that kind of thing.

So that's cool.

Like it's an interesting thing to do it in love.

Say,

I don't think you really want to play this game with me.

What if I played it over here?

And it's just an interesting conversation.

I'm not saying that that's the answer.

I'm just saying it allows an openness to say,

Well,

Then what else is possible here?

Because I don't know,

Sometimes I think the box is too tight and then we feel stuck.

Maybe there's a million little tweaks we could do.

And then maybe in the end you find out,

Well,

Maybe we don't really want the same things.

And maybe I really this is really important to me.

Like,

Who knows?

It's just we just get it we get to kind of call a spade a spade and kind of go,

Hmm,

Maybe that's just the way it is.

That's OK.

Truthfully,

If I could do anything differently in my marriage,

I wish I could have had that level mind.

Like I wish I could have been able to say,

Hmm,

I see this about what you seem to desire in life.

And it doesn't seem to be the same thing I want.

But I was so deeply needing to be married and needing.

I had I had other issues,

Right?

I had self-worth issues.

I had all these other stuff going on and I needed him to love me.

And I kind of wasn't sure there was anyone else out there who would love me the same way.

So I didn't want to have these really honest conversations.

Like,

What if I had said,

Well,

Maybe we should open the marriage.

Well,

And he was,

Well,

You can't do that.

Why?

Like,

It's not a threat.

It's just I don't understand.

My one friend,

She calls it the dog in the manger problem where the cows are in the barn and there's a manger full of hay and the dogs on the hay.

And every time the cow tries to eat the hay,

The dog barks at it.

The cow can't eat the hay.

The dogs don't eat hay either.

Sometimes our relationships are a lot like that.

You can't have me,

But no one else can have you either.

And that's weird.

And that's not very loving.

Doesn't the kindness have to be towards self before we can express it honestly towards another 100 percent?

Totally.

And the other big part of that actually is if you have a heavy judge in your head that's allowed to tear you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

If we do that to ourselves,

You do something like,

Oh,

Look,

You did it again.

You start lecturing yourself.

If you're with someone,

You will allow that behavior from someone else.

So you have to be able to love yourself and you have to be kind to yourself or else you won't expect anything better from anyone else.

And as soon as we heal that inner judge,

As soon as we allow ourselves agape,

As soon as we allow ourselves our own journey,

Well,

Maybe I did that and I could have done it differently.

Or maybe I recognized that I was really uncomfortable there,

So maybe I did something I didn't,

I wish I hadn't.

But inside my only discussion is,

Hmm,

Wow,

That's tough.

Let's ponder that and let's think about it and let's dream about it or meditate on it.

But not in a critical way,

Just in a huh way.

If that's how I treat me,

And then let's say I'm with someone and it doesn't matter who it is.

It could be a parent,

It could be a friend,

It could be a partner,

It could be one of my kids.

If they're suddenly like,

What would you do that for?

What's wrong with you?

Like what were you even thinking?

I would literally look at them like,

What's your problem?

Right?

Because I don't talk to me like that.

Why in the world would you talk to me like that?

Like it doesn't make any sense because it's sort of like if,

But if we beat ourselves up all the time,

We will have no problem other people beating ourselves up,

Beating us up.

But if I'm kind to me all the time,

It's like in this book too,

I talk about,

I talk about there was a time when,

After I was divorced and I was single and it was the first time I've ever been single in my,

I've never been alone before.

And I got,

I moved downtown Toronto and I was really lonely.

Like I really,

My kids were all off and about in the world and I just,

I didn't know anyone in the city.

And so I just went on Tinder.

I guess that's a big joke,

Right?

But I went on Tinder and I would just fill my bed.

Like it was just like that was,

That was my drug.

I would just make love or do whatever I had to do because that,

That's what I,

That made me feel better.

And eventually I realized that this is like a drug for me,

Like this isn't a good thing.

And so I decided to go sell a bit,

Which was a huge deal,

Whole bigger topic.

But I went sell a bit and I had this awareness that I felt like I had two sides inside of me.

I felt like I had my feminine and my masculine.

And I realized that my masculine was that critic.

And my masculine didn't,

Oh no,

We shouldn't go out for dinner and we shouldn't spend that money and we shouldn't do this.

It was very critical.

And I was like,

Yeah,

That's weird.

And I realized that my inner masculine was a lot like the men I was attracting.

So I decided that maybe I had to become my own best boyfriend.

Obviously I'm speaking in a heteronormative way right now because I like guys.

Which was my inner journey.

But transpose it however is right for you.

So I had to become my best partner,

My best.

What was really interesting about that is I really started treating myself differently.

I started being so kind to myself.

I started truly holding space for my struggle.

I really started treating myself to glorious dinners and I started really being kind to me and really celebrating me.

And I really became the person I wanted to date.

And what that did is it raised the bar for anyone that ever came into my life.

And I remained celibate for about six months.

But then after that it was really interesting because anybody who might have treated me the way I previously was,

I mean,

You smelled them a mile away.

Like it didn't take long before I went,

Yeah,

See,

I'm a better boyfriend to me than you are.

So you've got to at least be better than me.

And I'm already pretty damn good.

And so it's a really interesting thing to raise that bar but raise it inside.

And then everybody has to treat you that way.

Like it's not just doesn't just end up being your partner.

It ends up being your parents.

It ends up being everybody.

And if you're a jerk to me or if you don't listen or if you don't,

I don't mean you don't listen.

I just mean if I'm sharing and you don't care.

Well,

Then I'm not sure we should be friends.

I'm not sure we should even hang out or we're going to have a really tough conversation here because I'm really clear now.

And so,

Yeah,

Self love is really important,

But it's very practical.

It's really practical.

It's not just a theory.

Thank you guys so much for joining me today.

Reviews

So great! Listen to this if you are interested in codependency and self-love.

So much good in this talk. Hearing it again I had lots of curiosity about your period of post-divorce lonliness and my own soul’s journey. Lonliness is sort of the inverse of feeling connectedness so it makes sense it would come up. It made me curious about your realization of how you were self-medicating in a way you recognized was not good for you, and how you moved beyond it to address your lonliness in a sustainable, self-reliant way that you could tell fit to your soul path. I’ll check your catalog for anything you have on this. Would you be willing to speak on this topic again, overcoming periods of lonliness in life through introspection and choices, in a Live sometime?

I can’t even explain how many ah-ha moments I had listening to this. Thank you Katrina 🙏💖

I found this to be insightful in a very loving and practical way, Thank you

WOW! I love and learn more and more every time you share your wisdom, Katrina! Thank goodness for you and for these valuable insights on connection.