Exploring The Archetypes Of The Masculine And Feminine

Healthy masculine and feminine dynamics are easy. We flow together and build each other up. However, many relationship archetypes have developed during this domination patriarchal paradigm. Let's explore these so that we can recognize, understand, heal, and then move on from them.

Transcript

So today we are continuing our series about the masculine and feminine,

And it's all based out of my book,

My new book,

The Divine Union of the Masculine and Feminine.

And today we're talking about common archetypes of the masculine and feminine.

This is really important because these archetypes that we're going to talk about can exist in beautiful union,

But more often they exist in dysfunction.

They exist in the unhealthy separation,

Domination paradigm.

And sometimes we can get caught thinking we are being masculine and feminine.

And if we keep exacerbating this dysfunctional dynamic,

We actually never get any closer to happiness.

We never get any closer to relationships that we want.

So it's really interesting to look at some of the pairings of the air quote masculine feminine that we've seen over the last centuries and millennia.

And we actually just need to get these patterns.

We need to be aware of the patterns.

And then once we're aware of them,

They'll be so obvious we don't even have to do anything about them.

We just have to go,

Oh,

I see that now.

I see what I'm doing,

Or I see what you're doing,

Or I see what we're doing.

Okay,

Let's find the healthy masculine feminine.

Let's find the dynamic that actually allows us to be whole and independent and strong and connected in really healthy ways.

The first archetype I want to talk about is the king queen dynamic.

And I don't mean king and queen,

Like masculine feminine.

I mean,

When you believe you are king,

Or someone else in your life,

But let's just go with you.

And so the king or queen just is based on your gender.

But the bottom line is,

You're in charge.

You call the shots.

That's it.

This is completely separate from the people you're in charge of.

So the first thing you want to do is look at the difference between a benevolent king,

Which is the healthy masculine feminine dynamic,

And the tyrant king that exists in a domination separation paradigm.

A benevolent king is a healthy masculine,

Because the healthy masculine serves the feminine.

So the benevolent king has maybe a kingdom and people in his kingdom or her kingdom.

So it could be a queen or a king.

That's why it's king slash queen.

It doesn't really matter.

Their job is to care for the people.

They are in charge,

Meaning the people of the kingdom are their charges.

They're there to be cared for.

So they make sure that there are armies to protect.

They make sure that there's water and irrigation for the land.

They make sure that there's markets for them to sell their wares at.

They make sure that there's health care,

And people are cared for.

This is a benevolent king.

It has nothing to do with their own power or their own sense of whatever they need.

Their job is to care for the people.

So you can imagine the benevolent king,

How that shows up,

Say,

In family,

Where the mother or father simply care for the children.

They simply make sure they're safe and they have their needs met,

And they create a healthy and structured and strong environment for the children to grow.

It's a benevolent king,

Benevolent queen.

You can imagine the benevolent king or queen in a workplace where the boss,

Their job,

Yeah,

I mean,

They have a business to run and they have profits to make,

But they really consider the people that work for them their charges.

So they want to make sure that everyone's making a good wage and everyone's seen and everyone's being engaged in in the right ways.

They care,

And you always know when you are with a benevolent leader.

This is the healthy archetype,

The healthy king-queen archetype.

Nothing wrong with being a leader,

Nothing wrong with being the boss,

Nothing wrong with caring for others,

But are you benevolent or not?

But unfortunately,

Within this domination paradigm,

Within this energy of separation and power over others,

Many,

Many,

Many people in all of these roles actually become the tyrant king.

And in the tyrant king,

The energy of the roles is actually reversed.

The tyrant king is in charge,

They are controlling,

But the people must serve them.

The people must make sure they are comfortable.

It's actually,

They force the constituents into the masculine role of caring for them,

While they kind of just receive.

But the people have no rights and the people have no power,

So they don't have any of the thrill of being in the masculine,

And it's not voluntary.

And even the tyrant king or queen,

They don't get any of the joy of actually being in the feminine,

Because they want to the power of the,

Air quote,

Masculine role.

So you can see the tyrant king in families,

Or queen,

Where everyone does what they're told.

You're going to do it because I said so.

You don't question grandpa.

You don't question grandma.

You don't question mom or dad.

They are in charge.

They are the parents.

They are the adults.

You do as you're told.

You are nothing.

Your opinion is nothing.

It's very common.

Spare the rod,

Spoil the child.

The stronger the parents.

Like this is a huge,

This isn't that far back.

We don't have to go back a hundred years to see this as being lauded as the right way to parent.

It's not our parents and our grandparents fault.

This was the zeitgeist of the time.

This was the dominant paradigm that they were raised in,

And then therefore they thought they were being good parents.

How often do you see this in workplaces,

Where the boss,

The shareholders,

They're all that matters.

It doesn't matter if you fire 200 people,

As long as there's more money in the coffers at the top,

That's all that matters.

This is the tyrant king and queen.

They have all the power.

Those that have none of the power simply serve those at the top.

How often you see this in governments,

Tyrannical governments,

And they can look like democracies.

They can look like all kinds of things,

But the bottom line is the people serve those at the top.

It is not the other way around,

And you always know it.

It's not everybody knows.

It's like,

Well,

Yeah,

We know they're not really looking out for us.

You would know if someone was really looking out for you.

Sometimes it even flips that the children are the benevolent kings.

We treat them like tyrant kings or queens.

We kind of bow down to whatever the kids want.

Oh,

The kid wants this,

And the child wants this.

And the child,

This is that whole spoiling the child thing,

Because the kid doesn't even know that this is a very dysfunctional thing.

And eventually they go out into the world,

And they want a relationship where someone else serves them.

They want to be treated this way.

They want to be continued to be treated this way.

It's not a kindness,

Because you've actually created a tyrant.

And it's,

You know,

There's a nature-nurtured question there,

So we don't want to get too too critical of where tyrants come from.

But it's very important to understand that a tyrant king or queen is not masculine.

And this is very important,

Because oftentimes we might say,

Like in a couple,

Someone might say,

Well,

I really prefer to be in the masculine.

Are you saying that you prefer to be the one giving,

And protecting,

And caring for?

Or are you saying you prefer to always be in control?

Because this is not masculine.

This is a defense mechanism.

This is a desire for power.

And maybe it's a desire for power because you had no autonomy as a child,

And you don't ever want to be under another tyrant.

So you simply become the tyrant in your world that no one can touch,

And no one can argue with,

And no one can get close to.

It's not necessarily even a maladaptation.

But once we're aware of it,

And we think,

Oh,

Is that what I'm doing?

Is that why I've pushed everyone away?

Is that why I don't listen?

And is that why that's what's happened?

So this is the tyrant king and queen.

And again,

Once we see it,

It's just really obvious.

And then we can make choices from there,

Whether we're the king and queen,

Or whether we have those kinds of personalities in our life.

And we can just see it for what it is and say,

Oh,

Maybe we choose to stop serving them.

And they can thrash about on their self-proclaimed throne.

But in the end,

It's like,

Actually,

That's not my role.

I'm not here to serve you.

It's a big deal.

The next archetype I want to talk about sometimes goes with that one.

And it's the slave-prostitute archetype.

And this is very common.

And again,

Sometimes it goes with that king-queen-tyrant.

Because of course,

In a domination paradigm,

Kings and slaves are necessary.

Prostitutes are necessary.

In order for these people to be in power and control others,

They need people who are willing or can be forced to be controlled.

And then to serve you.

So if you identify as that slave-prostitute,

Then we have to really look at that.

For example,

Sometimes we are treating other people like they're more important than we are.

We're actually treating other people like,

Well,

Your needs are more important,

And I don't want you to be upset.

It's okay if I'm upset,

But I don't want you to be upset.

I remember this so clearly when I was married,

That something would happen,

And I would be so upset.

And I would chew about it,

And I would cry about it,

And I talked to my sisters and my friends,

And I would try to sort it out.

But I'd never say anything to my husband because I didn't want to upset him.

I didn't want him to have a bad day.

And it took a long time,

Decades,

For me to sort this out and say,

Why is it okay that you're going to have a bad day?

Why is it okay that you're going to chew this up,

Ruin your day,

Week,

Month,

Year,

Whatever,

But you don't want to share this with him because you don't want him to be upset.

This is this extreme self-sacrifice.

But again,

We've been taught this.

This is part of the paradigm we were raised in.

Don't upset your father.

Don't upset your mother.

Don't screw things up at Christmas.

Keep it to yourself.

Keep the secret.

Don't tell.

Don't bother anyone.

Why are you bothering everyone with your problems?

That somehow your problems don't matter.

Your struggles don't matter because everyone else is more important than you.

Your reality must be twisted.

Your reality is not important.

You are just the slave.

You are just the prostitute.

You do as I say.

I feed you.

You do as I say.

I bought the groceries.

You're going to have sex with me.

I'm going to do this.

You're going to do this.

And we can sometimes feel like we owe people something.

We owe our parents something,

And so we put up with all kinds of bad behavior.

We owe our kids something,

So we put up with all kinds of bad behavior.

We owe our partner something for sticking it out or for staying with us or for loving us or for providing income for the family.

So therefore they're allowed to do anything they want,

And I'm not going to say anything.

So in my book I talk about Martin Buber who wrote a book called I and Thou,

And it was all about how we interact with others.

And it was really interesting because of course ideally we have interactions with other people with an I and Thou.

That I know that I am a divine being.

I matter.

I am a fully whole autonomous human,

And you also are a beautiful divine being.

You are Thou.

I see you as a Thou in my life,

And I honor the fact that you're in my life.

And this could be anybody.

This could be a friend,

Child,

Parent,

Partner,

Anyone.

The challenge is is that oftentimes we have things like an I-It relationship where I treat you like an object.

So in the previous King-Queen-Tyrant example,

This is where they are the I and everyone else is an It.

Everyone else is an object on their playing board that serves them.

The objects must act a certain way.

They must be a certain way.

They're not sentient beings.

They're just objects in their game.

In the prostitute-slave archetype,

You are not even an I.

You are an It.

And you actually imagine that most of the relationships are It-Thou.

That you are important.

Your well-being is important.

Your happiness is important.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be okay.

Don't worry about me.

And we see this a lot in relationships.

It's very interesting.

It's a very common theme in pornography where the masculine,

And I'm saying that in air quotes,

Receives from the feminine.

Say the man receives from the feminine,

And the woman serves the masculine.

And the woman seems that she really wants to do this.

And again,

Maybe there's times that we do for sure,

But that's not the prevailing pattern.

You know,

I remember even when after I was divorced and I was single and I was dating,

I ran into this model so often with the men I dated.

Like even,

You know,

You'd be intimate with them,

And they would literally just roll onto their back with their hands behind their head,

Waiting for you to serve them in some way.

And I always,

I mean,

The first time it happened,

I didn't recognize,

I didn't understand what was happening.

The second time it happened,

I went,

What is this?

What is this pattern of laying back and allowing other people to serve you?

What is this?

So it's very interesting,

Sort of that,

Again,

The king prostitute or the king slave sort of dynamic.

But the challenge is,

Is that everything's flipped in it.

Even though the person that's sort of in this slave prostitute archetype deeply would actually love to maybe be in the feminine,

The genuine feminine,

But all they're doing is serving others.

So it's a flipped dynamic,

Just like the tyrant king is a flipped dynamic.

And as soon as it's flipped,

Everyone just goes crazy.

Everyone just gets frustrated.

Everyone just gets exhausted.

It doesn't serve anyone.

It can happen in spiritual communities where you have the teacher-student relationship or the guru-student or the,

That kind of relationship,

Where again,

In a good way,

What does it really look like in this masculine feminine?

Well,

Let's say you go along and you find a teacher that you really respect.

Then you open yourself to their teachings.

You surrender self to experience their reality.

This is what happened when I met Jim,

My teacher,

Who I talk about in my book,

What If You Could Skip the Cancer?

When I met him,

First of all,

I was in a dark night of the soul.

I had lived the life I thought was right.

I thought I'd done everything right up until that point.

But the reality is by the time I met him,

I was deeply depressed existentially.

I was practically despairing because I just,

I couldn't even see a way out.

I couldn't see a way to change enough to ever actually truly be happy.

And what I was going through,

It was,

I was absolutely this slave prostitute archetype.

Everyone else mattered.

His parents mattered.

He mattered.

My kids mattered.

The people of the church mattered.

Everyone else mattered and I was nothing.

It was okay if I was,

You know,

Dying the death and crying and exhausted and all that.

That was okay.

And again,

This is a pattern that runs back in my family for a long time.

This is generations going back.

So it's almost like it's hard to see.

All you know is you're exhausted and you feel like no one sees you and you don't matter.

But of course,

Eventually you tucker out.

You just become so exhausted.

But of course,

I was always too optimistic intellectually,

Right?

I was like,

I would convince myself that I was fine.

It's not,

It's not like that.

They'll come around.

They're just going through a bad time and one day they'll see you and they'll love you and it'll be great and all that.

No.

So instead I got breast lumps.

The teacher appeared and he lived in another dimension.

He didn't live according to any of the rules that I had been bending myself around.

I was only 29,

But for 29 years I had bent myself around the rules of society,

The rules of family,

Trying to be the good child,

The good wife,

The good everything.

And all the things that I would say to him,

But I'm trying to do this,

I'm trying to do that.

He would just look at me and say,

Why?

Why do you care about that?

I don't understand.

And he seemed to live in such a radically different reality.

And I trusted him.

I was willing to drop whatever at that point I had considered my sense of self,

To join him in his dimension,

To join him in his world.

This is healthy.

This is how the whole,

The real guru student works.

You meet someone who's actually living in another dimension,

Actually living a wholly different life.

Nothing wrong with dropping your own guards and dropping your own belief systems that you have brought up until that point.

And so for him and I,

It became this fascinating dance between me wanting to listen and hear everything.

And I would sit there and I would just,

My mind would just go blank because it's kind of like pushing hands in Taoism or jujitsu or something like that,

Where no matter what I did,

I couldn't catch him.

Like it didn't matter.

Every argument I had just was lost on him.

It wasn't,

It didn't work.

And so there was this constant dance of me trying to argue for the way of life that I was living,

Even though it was killing me and him just saying,

Well,

You know,

Him saying whatever he was saying.

And eventually I changed.

But what was interesting about him and I,

He allowed me to do that.

He allowed me to open myself to his reality and learn from him,

But he never let me be dependent on him.

And as soon as I started becoming too dependent on him,

Dependent on my connection to him,

To stay in that place,

He would disappear.

He would go to the Yukon for three months and be gone.

Or he just wouldn't return my calls.

He's got a,

He has a home phone,

Like a landline.

He has no cell phones,

No computers,

No nothing to this day.

And he has a answering machine on his phone that doesn't work.

So the only way you can actually get ahold of him is if you happen to call him and he happens to be sitting there and he's not with his family or doing something else.

So it forced me,

It's like,

I got to feel the difference,

But then I had to find it in myself.

It didn't become this weird codependency.

But how often do we see this in spiritual communities where maybe if we want to call a fault,

It's the fault of the teacher because they desire this great following and they desire the power.

They desire people to bow before them and honor them and listen to them endlessly.

And that again,

It's just a power thing,

Almost like a parasite.

But also maybe it's the people.

They're dropping their whole self very similarly to how I did.

Like this isn't some big character flaw.

We all have been living in a very strange world that we want an answer.

And if that person seems to have an answer,

Okay,

I'll drop everything and I will follow you.

But the problem is these people then start telling them what to do and what to wear and how to live and how to have sex and what to eat and what to da da da da.

And it actually becomes an utter codependence.

And the people become followers,

But not in a healthy way.

They become slave prostitutes.

They give up everything.

Sometimes they give up their money.

Like you see this in religious cults and all kinds of things.

This is very,

Very common.

What's interesting is when we find ourselves in that slave prostitute,

It isn't feminine.

And it's a very important thing.

It's not even an unhealthy feminine.

It's simply an utter lack of masculine.

And the problem is in the yin yang symbol,

If you have no masculine,

The feminine disappears also.

In the same way that if you have no feminine,

The masculine disappears.

That's why the tyrant king and queen aren't masculine because they have zero feminine.

They're not in touch with their own self.

They're in complete denial of any kind of shadow within themselves.

They're not connected to the people they're serving.

They have zero connection to the feminine.

So there's no place for masculine anyway.

So they are actually nothing.

Same as the prostitute slave.

It's not feminine.

It's not masculine.

It's disconnected.

And maybe you are the peacekeeper of the family.

Maybe you're the one that throws yourselves to the wolves when the family's fighting,

Or so-and-so's drunk,

Or someone's in a bad mood,

Or someone's mad at that person.

And you're the one that says,

Come on guys,

Let's fix this.

And we're kind of trying to take care of these full-grown adults who for some reason really want to be mad at each other.

But we sacrifice ourselves.

We sacrifice us because we're kind of a slave to the ideal that the family has to be happy.

Come on guys.

It's something we see a lot.

And it's very,

Very common that we end up in this.

But we just have to watch.

If I'm in the feminine,

Am I being given to?

Am I being cared for?

Or am I just sort of powerless and doing for everyone else,

Frustrated and tired?

Then we have to kind of look whether or not we have continued the pattern of the prostitute slave that we have seen in our families for generations.

We didn't just make it up.

This is an old pattern,

All genders.

So just to be conscious of that.

Another dynamic I want to talk about is the father-daughter dynamic.

So this is where,

Let's say in a relationship,

That the partner who likes to be in the masculine is playing father.

And we'll just go with the male-female version here,

But it definitely spans to same-sex couples and everything else.

And the daughter truly loves to be in the feminine.

But they get stuck in the childhood parent-child dynamic.

So the parent-child dynamic is very healthy.

The parent has the money.

The parent is an adult.

The parent understands the society.

The child is growing.

The child has no autonomy.

The child has no idea what the world's about.

The child cannot feed themselves.

So the parent,

Their role is to care for the child,

Both genders.

But what if that parent continues to identify with the parental role,

The fatherly role?

And as the children have long grown up,

They even treat their partner like that.

Or maybe they leave the partner that they had the children with,

But then they kind of want another child to care for.

They like that role.

This isn't an evil thing,

But they like the role of being the white knight that swoops in and saves the broken person.

So they perpetually go out and they find people who are hurting.

And they want to be in a relationship with you because they want to be the protector.

They want to be the caregiver.

I will care for you.

I will care for you.

And oftentimes they do find those people.

They find people on the opposite end of the spectrum who,

For whatever reason,

Never wanted to grow up,

Never wanted to develop their own masculine,

Never wanted to develop their own provider,

Their own protector,

Their own sense of manifestation.

They wanted to stay in that childlike state of being cared for.

And so sometimes we find this.

I mean,

There's entire websites dedicated to finding sugar daddies and what have you.

Like,

There's all kinds of extremes on this continuum.

But on a very gentle level,

Especially in relationships,

Sometimes you find it and the two people happily play out.

They continue to play out this father-daughter dynamic.

And maybe they do it and maybe they break up and the daughter finds a different father and the father finds a different daughter.

And this continues.

And again,

Could be same sex,

Could be heterosexual,

You know.

And this continues until one day the one playing father's like,

I am so sick of taking care of everybody.

And then they start to go,

Well,

I don't want to do this anymore.

I want an equal partner.

And maybe one day the person playing daughter's like,

You can't tell me what to do all the time.

You can't decide who I hang out with.

You can't decide this and this and this and this.

That's it.

I don't want someone to control me.

And sometimes we have to play that out.

We have to play out the karmic patterns with whoever shows up until we're finished.

It's just reality.

We aren't just going to intellectually pop out of this pattern.

We are going to continue in the relationships we're in right now until we've exhausted all the little details of,

Who knows,

Ancestral memories,

Ancestral patterns,

Karmic patterns.

And we've got to play it out.

And then one day the light goes on and we're like,

I am complete.

I don't need to do that anymore.

But oftentimes what happens is you're dating someone and maybe they are either the father or the daughter.

That's what they're doing.

They prefer the father role.

They prefer the daughter role,

All genders.

And you find them trying to maybe tell you what to do.

Or they're doing things and they're kind of buttering your bread.

You know what I'm saying?

And you're like,

What are you doing?

Oh,

Nothing.

I'm just taking care of you.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

And then as soon as you say,

Argue with them,

You say,

Well,

I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to do this.

Well,

What I thought we were doing this and I,

Well,

That's not,

You know,

And then eventually you start to realize that it's like,

I'm not a child.

You know,

This is when you find yourself saying things like this.

Like I,

I have my own life.

You know,

I want to be with you,

But I have my own life.

Well,

I know that.

And then they start reprimanding you like a father,

Because they're trying to kind of fit you into this box.

Similarly,

Sometimes you're dating someone who wants to be the daughter and they want to be cared for.

They want to be pampered and they want everything this and that.

And this is different than chivalry.

Chivalry is sort of an honoring of each other.

This is like,

Well,

I don't want to have to do that.

And there's a sort of a childlike thing when the other person's like,

Okay,

Hold on a minute.

I'm not your dad.

I'm not here to take care of you.

You know that,

Right?

Like you need to be independent.

You need to,

You know,

And this could be anything.

This could even be,

It could be financial,

But it also could be emotional.

Some people love being uncontrollably emotional.

And we all know emotions are very healthy.

Emotions are important.

We're supposed to feel what we're feeling.

This is a feedback mechanism that helps us actually navigate the world.

It helps us know what to go towards and what to go away from.

But there's also an immaturity that can happen that we never learn to self-regulate.

We never learn to actually be our own parent,

To be our own masculine that says,

Okay,

I see a pattern going on here.

I see an emotional pattern.

I need to observe this and sort it out because I don't want to stay in this forever.

But there are many people who want to stay in that childlike flailing emotional place.

And they want you to always be holding space for them.

They want you to always be there to hold them,

To coddle them,

To take care of them.

It's a very interesting thing to watch because of course we're going to be there if someone's hurting.

But if it's a pattern that they're actually not doing anything to break out of,

They're not going for counseling.

They're not doing yoga.

They're not meditating.

They're not doing anything to actually solve these issues.

They're not talking to the person that's oppressing them or hurting them.

They're just enjoying the pattern of being sort of this,

The immature emotional child inside.

And you're just supposed to always be there to catch them.

We have to look at that.

Because the challenge is that that person's growth has stopped.

They're not expanding anymore.

They're not going deep into the masculine feminine.

You know,

Last week we talked about self-actualization through the union of the masculine feminine.

This is no longer happening for them.

It's no longer happening for the person playing father.

And it's no longer happening for the person playing daughter.

It just becomes very stagnant and exhausting if you get caught in one of those dynamics.

So the last dynamic I want to talk about is similar to the other but not really.

And this is the mother-son dynamic.

Again,

We have a parent-child dynamic here.

And again,

This could be the same in same-sex couples,

Heterosexual couples.

Mostly that's what I'm talking about right now in romantic couples.

The challenge is,

So again,

The son doesn't want to grow up.

And the person playing mom wants to always be in charge.

But the problem is that now the polarities are flipped.

And again,

I'm just going to take a heterosexual model.

The woman in her deepest heart would love to be in the feminine.

But instead,

She's forced into the mother role.

The son,

The man playing son,

Wants to be seen as the masculine in the relationship.

But they're actually defaulting to a child.

They want the mother to care for them.

They want the mother to rub their feet.

They want the woman to do this.

They want that.

They get to rebel against the mother.

They get to like,

Oh,

Yeah,

You're always trying to control me.

And I'm like,

Yes,

I'm not.

And they have this whole mother and rebellious child thing going on.

You know,

How come you're never picking up your socks?

And they go back and forth like a mother and a teenage boy.

But they're adults.

And they're not related,

Theoretically.

Okay,

That was funny.

And so when we have this unconscious flipped dynamic,

That the feminine partner is actually parenting the person who wants to be in the masculine,

That's when crazy stuff happens.

It's never functional.

Sometimes the father-daughter dynamic,

It actually becomes a very symbiotic relationship,

Codependent to completely codependent.

But both people are actually getting what they want.

In a mother-son dynamic,

No one's getting what they want.

The dude's in the locker room pissed off.

Oh,

My wife and the ball and chain and always telling me what to do.

And the woman's off with her friends going,

Oh,

My God,

If he would just grow up and I'm so sick of picking up after him and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Both of them are complaining.

It's a perpetual complaining.

So of course,

Why do we end up like that?

Why do we end up in the mothering role?

So again,

All genders,

Why do we end up like that?

Taking care of the rebellious child?

Sometimes again,

We were raised in a home that it wasn't safe to be in the feminine.

It wasn't safe to,

We've never even seen that kind of healthy masculine feminine,

Which is most of us.

So it's easier to just be in the parental role,

Even in relationships.

And it's funny,

When I was getting married,

So I got married exactly 30 years ago.

And even then,

Only 30 years ago,

The women in my world,

The older women,

The elders in my world,

My mom,

Aunts,

Older women,

They said to me,

Well,

Dear,

A mother raises a boy so far,

And then a wife raises him the rest of the way.

I was told that 30 years ago.

First of all,

It's so insulting to the man.

So insulting.

Second of all,

What a horrible thing to put on the woman that I'm supposed to raise you.

It's kind of that,

Well,

Boys will be boys,

Men will be men.

Oh,

You know,

He's always,

You know,

Whatever.

It's okay.

I'll just pick it up after,

You know,

That kind of thing.

It's like,

No,

That's crazy.

Like when I think back,

If I had,

Would do anything differently in my marriage,

I wouldn't have adopted this mother son dynamic.

My husband didn't ask for it.

He didn't ask to be treated like a child.

And yet,

That's what I thought my role was.

You got to keep him happy and blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And by the time we divorced 20 years later,

We had the whole rebellious child thing going on.

And it was crazy.

And he and I have talked about it later.

It's interesting too,

Because I mean,

In a lot of cultures,

And again,

In the heterosexual way,

Men are really coddled in this way.

They're really treated in this way that women are here to serve them.

The mothers served them.

The mothers did everything for them.

Like even when I got married,

My husband had never washed,

Done laundry.

He'd never cooked.

He'd never cleaned up after himself.

He'd never made his bed.

He'd never done anything.

His mom did everything for him.

And then I moved in to the very farmhouse that he grew up in,

And we took over the farm.

And so he stepped into his father's role.

I stepped into his mother's role.

And we almost unconsciously played out their marriage.

Very strange.

So anyway,

Similarly,

If we get caught in that motherly role in relationships,

We will continue to find partners who fit that rebellious son.

We'll find the bad boy that we have to tame.

We'll find the broken one that we'll care for,

And they'll just tuck into our arms,

But then they'll eventually resent us.

Similarly,

The rebellious sons,

They'll go out and they'll keep trying to find mothers.

This is not masculine and feminine.

It's a flip dynamic.

The mothers really are caring for the sons.

So in that way,

The mothers are certainly in the masculine,

And the son is certainly in the chaotic feminine.

But the reality is,

Deep down,

That mother never gets to experience the feminine,

The true receiving feminine.

And that son never develops actual masculine energy.

So they both become utterly stagnant and kind of backwards,

Which makes them both kind of existentially furious.

So it's very interesting to kind of see all of these situations where they're healthy,

Which of course begins inside,

That we ourselves are completely balanced,

Masculine and feminine inside.

So then we'd never seek out a mother-son dynamic,

Or a father-daughter dynamic,

Or a slave-king dynamic or anything.

We'd never do that,

Because my inner king isn't a slave.

And this is the question.

Is your inner masculine benevolent,

Or is it a tyrant king?

Do you have this dysfunction inside,

The mother-son dynamic inside,

Or the father-daughter dynamic inside?

As soon as we have this all happy inside,

We can't even fall into these dynamics with other people.

They try,

And it just goes by us like water.

And they'll try to say something,

Whether it's controlling,

Or manipulating,

Or whatever,

And you're just sort of,

You look at them like,

I don't know where you're coming from right now.

Because it's an it relationship.

Everyone's an object.

They're not honoring the person.

And you know when someone's not actually seeing you.

And you can kind of say,

I don't know who you're talking to right now,

But we need to kind of come back to this moment and actually have a discussion between us,

And not this weird dynamic that's happening.

So it's very interesting.

It's really important to root these out of intimate relationships,

Family dynamics,

The workplace,

Everything,

Or else we'll keep thinking that these are actually masculine and feminine,

And they're not.

They're not at all.

And in many cases,

They're actually the opposite.

So thank you so much for being here.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Reviews

You’re such a blessing Katrina. Thank you 🙏💗🙏💗🙏💗