Communion In Communication

Talking & listening is one of the main ways that we communicate and potentially deeply connect with each other. Let's explore what works and what hasn't worked. How can we use this dynamic to connect our souls? How can we integrate our empathy, chakras, and hearts for true communion through talking?

Transcript

Today we're continuing a series all about the Divine Union of the Masculine and Feminine.

And this is all based in my book,

My new book,

Divine Union of the Masculine and Feminine.

But I really want to go deeper and I want to have a discussion about some of these topics.

And today we're talking about communion and communication.

And communication is a really,

Really big deal.

Because this is one of the number one ways that we actually interact with each other.

And this is really important because one of the great pains of being human is feeling alone.

Feeling unheard,

Feeling unseen,

Feeling like no one understands me.

These are really big deals.

Or even sometimes it's a big deal to feel the separation from people.

Because maybe people are avoiding us.

Maybe people are intentionally not wanting to be around us.

And this separation is very painful.

As a soul,

As a human,

It's almost like we are nourished by connecting with others.

And even sometimes people who are like,

No,

I'm an introvert,

I'm an introvert.

We can be an introvert,

But we are still nourished by quality relationships.

The quality relationships that we have.

That there is something of an existential pain when we feel that no one understands us.

So this communication,

Speaking,

Listening,

And it could be anything.

It was funny when I first started thinking about this.

I was actually picturing two people speaking sign language.

And how one person was signing and the other person was watching and receiving the signs.

It really matters that we're understood.

And because we are verbal people,

Generally,

Unless we're speaking in sign,

This is one of the number one ways that we have the potential to communicate with each other.

The potential to actually connect with each other.

And it's also one of the number one ways we disconnect from each other.

That we create distance between each other.

And this is a really interesting exercise.

Because if you imagine when we really start to ask ourselves,

Why am I talking?

You know,

You're standing with someone.

Why am I talking right now?

Am I talking to inform them of something that I think they should know?

Am I chastising them?

Am I lecturing them?

Or am I talking in a way that will draw them closer to me?

Am I talking in a way that will actually create communion together?

And that's really interesting.

Because if you imagine a thought experiment.

And you could even do this as a physical experiment.

With a friend or a partner or a workshop or whatever.

But imagine you're having a conversation with someone.

Both of you are standing looking at each other.

If you say the thing that's in your mind right now.

Would that cause the other person to step backwards?

Or step forward?

This is the question.

If I'm speaking,

What does how I'm speaking,

What I'm saying affect the other person?

Does it bring them closer or further apart?

In a similar way,

We can ask ourselves the same question about listening.

If I'm sitting and listening to someone.

And I'm actually bored out of my mind.

Or maybe I simply disagree.

I don't want to have this conversation.

But they just seem to keep on talking.

And they're just talking.

My perception is irrelevant.

My experience is irrelevant.

My emotional state is irrelevant.

By sitting there and just listening.

What energetically am I actually doing?

I'm actually stepping away.

I'm actually withdrawing from the person.

By sitting and listening to something I don't want to hear.

So none of these communication,

The listening or the talking.

Brings us closer in those instances.

But there are many ways that we can use communication to bring us closer.

To create connection.

Which is what the point is.

This whole point is divine union.

How do two souls feel union together?

Not just touching up against each other and being close.

But actually feeling understood.

Sometimes we joke about,

There's this great book called Strangers in a Strange Land.

Written by Heinlein.

And he talks about,

I really grok this person.

G-R-O-K.

This isn't an English word for anyone who English isn't your first language.

He made it up.

But to grok someone.

Is you get them blood and bone.

You get them on a heart level.

That's what we desire.

We don't need 100 people to grok us.

But we need at least one person on the planet.

It's almost like if one person deeply groks us.

Deeply understands us.

Then we exist.

The true me exists.

So the ability to commune like this is very,

Very important.

So for example,

Some of the ways could be helping someone.

Someone's struggling and you share something that might help them.

And they go,

Oh yeah,

Great.

That's just what I needed.

Explaining something to someone that they want to understand.

They've got a new job and they don't know how to do this thing.

You go,

Oh,

Well you do it this and this and this way.

Oh,

Thanks so much.

Like you can feel the leaning in.

Oh,

Thanks.

That's great.

Sometimes it's just the simple joy of connecting with another person.

We can easily connect through voice.

And sometimes your voice can be very nourishing to someone else.

It can be soothing.

It can be soothing to a child.

It can be soothing to a friend.

It can be the beautiful sound of pillow talk with your lover.

And those beautiful,

Quiet voices just go back and forth.

And they almost cause your nervous system to just gently relax.

You could be singing.

I used to sing to my children when they couldn't sleep.

The sound of our voice is a vibration.

And that vibration goes into the other person.

And that vibration will have many different effects.

If you yell at someone,

What does that vibration do to the person receiving it?

Even if you yell around someone,

What does the person receiving it,

What happens to them?

I used to have a boyfriend who loved screaming at other people when he was driving.

He was actually a relatively peaceful guy.

But when we would go driving,

If he was driving,

Every other person was an idiot and all kinds of other words I'm not going to say here.

And he would yell at them if someone did anything.

And finally one day I said,

You've got to stop yelling at everyone.

Oh,

He's an idiot and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And he wouldn't stop yelling at them.

And finally I said,

You've got to stop the car.

And we were traveling,

We were down in Florida.

I said,

You've got to stop the car and let me out.

He goes,

I'm not letting you out.

I said,

Yes you are.

Because you are yelling and I have to digest this.

Everything that's coming out of your mouth,

Whether it's directed at me or not,

I am digesting in the same way that you're feeding me toxic food that I have to digest.

I'm the only one listening.

That vibration,

My nervous system has to digest,

Sort out,

And then I have to come back to center.

So you have a decision.

You can keep throwing this at me because you're not yelling at them.

You're yelling at me.

Or you can stop the car and let me out.

I'm a big girl.

I'll find my way back to Canada.

But it can also be very soothing.

You can hum and you can say lovely things that cause the other person to relax.

It's almost like giving someone a digestive aid.

And suddenly their body kind of goes,

Ah.

Communication can be beautiful.

It can be so wonderful between humans.

Years ago when my mom was sick,

We went and we saw Bernie Siegel live.

He was a real pioneer in the cancer,

The holistic cancer world.

He said,

You know,

Someone once asked,

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

Which is a terrible question,

But it was very interesting.

Like we are all in breakout rooms and stuff.

And many,

Many people said they would rather be blind than deaf because there's such joy in hearing.

It was almost like their heart wanted to be able to hear,

But it was more convenient to be able to see.

And when you really think about how important sound is and hearing is,

We start to really realize how important this kind of communication is.

To be able to hear the sound of a friend's voice.

To be able to hear the sound of a lover's voice.

To hear the sound of children laughing.

This is no small thing.

So,

Unfortunately,

The first thing we have to talk about is where this goes wrong.

Because once we can get that out of the way,

Then we can talk about a new way of communicating.

But we have to kind of clear the palette of everything that most of us have experienced in our lives a lot.

So one of the foundations for all of the dynamics that we're talking about here with the masculine,

Feminine,

Giving,

Receiving,

Protector,

Vulnerable,

All those things in all of this series,

Is the foundation of why all of them are difficult is because of two paradigms that we've been living in for millennia or longer.

And the first is the patriarchy,

And the second is a domination paradigm.

And in short,

We've already done talks about these,

So just check those out if you want to find out more about them.

But for our talk today,

The patriarchy means that the masculine energy is the most important.

It doesn't matter,

This isn't gender.

It may have played out that way in many societies,

But this could also be a woman being the most important.

I'm the one speaking.

The one speaking is the most important,

Because in this dynamic,

The masculine is giving,

The feminine is receiving,

Not gender.

This is just universal energies of connection.

So the masculine is talking,

And the feminine is receiving,

Is listening.

So in a patriarchy,

Only the one talking matters.

They are the most important one.

They are the righteous one.

Everyone must listen.

The feminine is irrelevant.

The one listening must simply be quiet,

Be polite,

Do as you're told,

And listen.

I know we've all heard that before.

So in this dynamic,

That's the most important aspect,

Is how often we think that we have to kind of honor the one talking.

The one talking is the one we must always listen to.

That's the energy of the patriarchy.

The second one is this domination paradigm.

And in this dynamic,

The domination paradigm shines through the fact that we use talking to overpower someone else,

To judge someone else,

To intimidate someone else,

To make them feel small.

How often do we use this?

How often do we use our voice to overpower other people?

That's the domination paradigm.

And in all the dysfunctional things we're going to talk about right now,

These two things are the reason.

The fact that the masculine is always right,

And we use this dynamic to overpower other people.

Of course,

The goal is to release both of those,

To release the idea of the patriarchy,

And to release the domination paradigm.

As soon as those are gone,

Suddenly we are able,

We are free to actually connect through our voices.

We're open to listening,

We're open to receiving,

Because we know we aren't being dominated.

We know that the listener is equal to the talker in importance,

In what they care about,

Everything.

Everyone is equal.

And then we have a chance for union.

Then we have a chance for true connection.

Then we have a chance to actually feel understood and seen by each other.

But first we have to talk about the dysfunction that we've often lived with.

So one of the number one ways that we do this,

With our mouths,

With our voice,

And it could also be through sign language or any other way you communicate,

Could be through letters,

Texts,

However we're communicating with another person.

The number one thing that pushes us away from other people is giving advice that someone doesn't want.

Well,

You know what I think.

It's for your own good.

I know you probably don't want to hear it,

But here's what I think.

What energetically does the other person do right there?

They move away.

This is what we do to our teenagers.

This is what we do to our children.

Well,

You should be doing this and you should be doing that.

And how come you're doing that?

You shouldn't be hanging out with those people and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And what are you wearing that for?

And you can't do this and you can't,

You know,

All these things.

And what do the children do?

The children energetically back away because they know you're talking,

But you're not considering them.

You're not actually communing with them.

We're using our voice to chastise,

To judge,

To make smaller.

When I see people yelling at children,

When you think of what that is,

Imagine being three years old and having some 180 pound being using voice to blast you,

To blast you.

Imagine the nervous system of that child.

How can the child do anything but retract?

How can the child do anything but completely move away?

And it's the same thing if you have a partner and you are yelling at them.

What can they possibly do but push away from that energy?

It's like you're just blasting them with air.

The only thing we can energetically do is move away.

So why do we do it?

Why do we give advice that's not asked?

That's when we really have to look at ourselves.

Why am I doing it?

Why do I feel like I have to give this person my two cents worth?

Why do I think I have to advise my children?

Is it my ego?

Am I afraid of them having struggles in life?

What is it?

Am I afraid of them having struggles in life because I don't like struggles and I avoid conflict?

I don't understand the benefits of difficulties and challenges in life?

Oh,

It's because I love them.

But why would you give advice that was unasked?

This is really important because,

Again,

What is the effect?

That's all that matters.

If we want to know the truth,

We have to look at the effect.

And if the effect is that they push away,

Then why did we say it?

Is that our goal?

Is our goal to push them away?

It's a very,

Very important thing.

Again,

Because we've been living with this kind of thing,

That's what we were raised with.

We were raised with people telling us that's the role of a parent.

We don't do it because we're rotten.

We do it because it's all we've ever been taught.

And we've been taught,

Again,

Because of the patriarchy,

That the one giving the advice is right.

The one giving the advice is righteous.

I remember when I first did my yoga teacher training,

My own personal,

When I personally studied kundalini yoga,

And it was about the third month that we were away in the retreat.

We're sitting around the circle,

And someone was asking,

Now,

Can we all share,

You know,

Does your family support your study of kundalini yoga?

And I'm sitting there thinking,

Does my family support it?

I was married.

My kids were 8 and 10,

Maybe,

When I studied.

I said,

Support it.

I had no idea what they meant.

I wouldn't have even asked Wayne if he supported me studying kundalini yoga.

It was simply a personal interest.

What did he have to do with it?

Until I realized that all these people were learning all of these different philosophies and yoga techniques and all these ideas,

And then going home and telling everybody that they were living wrong and that they should be doing this and they should be doing that and blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And their family was like,

God,

I hate this yoga.

I hate that.

When is this training over?

You're driving us crazy.

And suddenly these people aren't being supportive of their path.

And it's like,

It's not that they're not being supportive.

You're just being abusive.

You're literally talking at them,

And they don't want to hear it.

Imagine if what you were doing was physical.

It's like you're shoving them and you're shoving them and you're shoving them or you're grabbing them and holding on to them and making them listen.

It's a very strange thing,

And this is very,

Very common,

And we have to be very careful about it.

In the same way that if we're on the receiving end of that,

And we're on the receiving end of someone who really feels the need to give you whatever it is they think about you,

We don't have to listen.

We don't have to receive it.

We don't have to do anything.

They can say it if they want.

If we have issues with people not having faith in us or we don't have a lot of self-confidence,

We might get super triggered and pissed off and all that kind of thing.

That's part of our journey.

That's part of our karmic pattern that we're going to work out.

But we also can just sort of say,

That's your opinion.

It's not my opinion.

It's the way it is.

And they can get upset,

And we can say,

Well,

That's okay.

But it's almost like if I don't hold my hands out to receive it,

It can't land anywhere.

If my hands are at my side,

Everything they say just drops right in front of us.

We don't have to receive it.

And we can even say,

Okay,

That's enough.

I'm not interested in this.

So this brings us to the next thing,

That we were trained from a very young age,

Unless you were homeschooled or you had a different upbringing than many of us in North America or anywhere,

We were trained in school from the ages of three or four,

That your job is to sit and listen.

And this is good behavior.

This is polite.

You listen to the teacher.

It doesn't matter if they're boring.

It doesn't matter if they're mean.

It doesn't matter if they're wrong.

You listen.

And we are taught this from such a young age.

This is one of our great challenges in communication.

For sure,

We have to be conscious of how we're talking,

But we have to be even more conscious.

Are we listening to stuff that we don't care about?

Are we being forced to listen when we don't want to?

Because when we do that,

We also pull away.

We put up with things that we should never put up with.

We listen to things and we try to digest things that we shouldn't be digesting because it's not for us.

The people are just talking to hear themselves talk.

We have been taught to talk and listen in separation.

That's this patriarchy.

That's the domination.

We are separate.

I'm talking,

The other person's listening,

But nobody's actually interacting.

The listener is actually tuned right out and they're thinking about something else altogether,

But their eyes are open and they're nodding.

Because they've been taught to.

For the first 13 years of their life,

Or after a few years of being a baby,

But for 13 years of very formative years,

They sat,

They listened,

They nodded,

They tried not to fall asleep.

This is a huge deal.

Because then,

Of course,

It continues into our workplace.

We start working,

We get our first job.

And again,

The patriarchy,

The masculinity is all that matters.

You listen to the boss no matter what.

And don't get me wrong.

If we're working for someone,

We need to do our job and we need to take the advice of our boss because they theoretically know better than we do because we're new.

I'm talking about listening to abusive bosses.

I'm talking to having to hear massive teardowns and chastising and all this other nonsense.

Or being lectured and all these things.

I remember when I was a co-op student in university,

I would have to attend meetings.

And most of these meetings were nonsense.

They could have been figured out with an email,

But we didn't really have email back then.

And so you have to sit there in these horrible meetings.

And again,

It was just like being back in school.

You're just trying to stay awake.

Luckily,

There's coffee and donuts and stuff like that to stay awake.

But it's so boring.

We are so poorly trained in this.

And it's so important to do this,

To see this dynamic play out in families,

With our own parents.

I'm the parent.

I'm older.

You listen.

You listen here.

This is not connecting.

This just pushes us away.

Listening to our in-laws,

Thinking we have to put up with it and all that kind of thing.

It's not okay.

Another dynamic that really doesn't work is when we force someone to talk.

And we've talked about this a few times.

It's when people are forced to give an explanation.

And I don't mean explain something consciously because we're having a conversation and the other person asks and they say,

I'd really like to understand.

Oh,

Well,

Here.

And you explain it.

And it's actually the intention is union.

That's the intention.

The intention is union.

I'm talking about when the intention is separation,

Perhaps a bit of shaming,

Perhaps a bit of ego boosting for the one in the masculine.

And so the person says,

You need to explain yourself to me right now.

Well,

Can they?

I mean,

You can already feel it.

The whole intention here is to separate,

To shame,

To guilt,

To punish.

And the other forced talking is when someone asks you an inappropriate question.

This is when somebody corners you at a party or Christmas or something and they're like,

So they ask you some question and you're just like,

I don't want to tell you this.

You know,

How's your relationship going?

How's it going with Fred?

None of your business.

This is not any of your business.

And you can just say,

Well,

Actually,

It's not really something I talk about with people.

That's just between him and I.

But we don't even have those scripts.

We don't even have those responses to say to people who ask questions that are just absolutely none of their business.

So it's a very interesting thing to develop these ways of correcting millennia of behavior.

And all of us fall into it.

This isn't just like the baddies that do this.

We all fall into this.

I fall into this all the time.

I find myself talking when it's like,

Katrina,

Why are you saying this?

Are you just saying this to hear yourself talk because you're just entertained by yourself?

The number of times I'm listening to someone and I'm just like,

How do I get out of this?

This is just no fun at all.

So let's talk about communion.

What are the things that we have to change to use communication to truly merge with another person,

To feel communion?

First of all,

Just feel that communion.

How do you commune with another person?

What does that feel like?

To me,

Communion feels like there's this flow.

It's almost like the yin yang,

That the yin yang is flowing into each other.

Communion to me feels like hearts merging together.

How can we use our voice to commune with another person?

The first thing,

And this is for all the dynamics,

All the masculine and feminine dynamics,

The masculine,

The one that wants to speak or the one that's going to speak,

Must read the feminine.

What the masculine does is born out of the feminine.

It's born out of the desire.

Again,

Not gendered.

The masculine is always giving the feminine what they desire.

What could that look like?

That could look like asking someone a question.

The feminine says,

I'm really interested in how you did that thing because I've been thinking of doing that myself.

How did you get started?

How many times someone might ask me,

How did you get started writing a book?

I really want to write a book,

But I don't know how to get started.

I say,

Ah,

Well,

Here are some things that have helped me.

What does the listener do?

The listener leans in and the listener's like,

Oh,

Right,

And maybe they're writing stuff down or maybe they're pondering.

You can feel the only reason I'm talking is because they've asked a question.

They've opened up a bowl.

They've opened up something and said,

Can you fill this for me?

You've written a book.

Can you fill this?

And of course,

To understand that it's not that anyone is ever always in the masculine,

But we can get stuck there.

Oh,

I'm always the teacher.

I know more about everything.

I'm more educated.

I've had more life experience.

This is like the fault of the,

It can be the fault of the older generation.

Well,

When you're my age,

You'll know this too because I'm older,

I'm wiser.

I know all the answers.

This does not make for dynamic experiences and it does not make for dynamic conversation.

Instead,

Imagine having a lively debate with a friend and we can call it that or we can just call it a really interesting discussion.

Well,

What happens there?

You're sharing.

You're discussing something.

And so while I'm talking,

My friend is listening going,

Oh,

That's interesting.

And then my friend responds and my friend says something and now I'm listening.

That's interesting.

And then I say something.

This becomes a very interesting,

Rich conversation because both people are taking turns listening and talking.

But what happens if one person doesn't listen?

They just talk.

Then the other person maybe talks for a bit and the other person talks,

The other person talks.

How long can that conversation go on?

Or is it even a conversation?

Or is it really just one person trying to convince the other person?

And half the time when we do that,

When we're not actually listening to the other person and we're just repeating something over and over again,

Like who are we really talking to?

We're actually talking to ourselves.

We're repeating it over and over and over again.

Why is my soul repeating this over and over again?

Because I need to hear it.

I need to hear it 500 times.

And you'll often recognize this when you're having a conversation with someone.

If they're not listening to you at all,

Like they are just there in their own world and they needed an audience.

They needed someone to say all this out loud in front of.

And sometimes we can do that for our friends.

Sometimes we can say,

I just need to say some stuff out loud to hear it and find out like,

Is this even true?

Is this real?

And we say,

Sure,

Give her.

And they can talk and we can talk and we can chew it all up.

They might give their two cents worth here and there just to kind of keep that energy happening.

But when it happens and the other person doesn't want to hear this or they realize you're not listening to them at all,

That's not a conversation.

But a lively debate about an interesting topic,

That totally connects us.

I go to the dog park all the time with a little storm here.

So what happens is there's all these chairs sitting around in a circle because we often will gather under the shade of a tree in the summertime.

So we all go and you sit down and sometimes you sit beside someone you don't know or sometimes it's someone that comes all the time,

The regulars.

And of course,

I'm pretty chit-chatty.

So I'm sitting there with someone.

Why would I start talking to them?

Well,

I want to have a connection with them.

There's a bunch of ladies there who are really into Korean TV.

And I'm not so into Korean TV,

But my friend Nelda's really into Korean TV.

So sometimes I'll kind of say,

So have you watched any Korean TV lately?

And they're like,

Oh,

I watched this one because anyone who loves K-dramas,

There's a reason they love them because there's some philosophical thing about it that's really intriguing.

And inevitably,

We end up having a really interesting conversation because I'm really interested in how they see these things.

So it's a very interesting thing.

So I might sort of throw out a gauntlet and say,

How about this?

And if they're interested,

If the feminine picks up,

Then they go,

Oh,

This.

And now all of a sudden,

We have this beautiful back and forth and we are communing.

Sometimes you don't know what the feminine wants.

Or maybe there's just a person.

This is why I think we always talk about the weather.

Well,

It's pretty cold today.

I know,

Right?

Yeah,

I'm not so big on the cold.

And you think it's small talk,

But small talk is the bridge to something else.

That's how you have a chance to see are we going to stay in small talk or will this bring us to something that we actually have common ground in?

Because inevitably,

All of a sudden,

Someone says,

You know,

I remember this time I went to this play in Stratford and it was,

The winter was just horrible.

The snow was coming down.

It was so bad.

And it's like,

Which play did you see?

I love plays in Stratford.

The weather can be amazing gateways to a conversation that actually you're both really interested in.

Now,

Suddenly you have this connection with the person at the dog park.

It can be that easy.

One thing that's really important in communication,

And this is on the onus of the one speaking,

Is that we always speak to people in their language.

And this is,

Again,

Where the masculine has to read the feminine.

So if someone is interested in something,

Let's say they're interested in yoga.

Am I going to say,

Well,

The best thing you do,

You got to start with sitting in Padmasana.

And then if you try out maybe a little Tadasana,

You know,

While you're hanging out,

And I really love to have a pranayama every day,

That really helps.

Why would I talk like that to someone?

Why would I use Sanskrit words to describe my practice or what I do?

Why would I do that?

They don't speak Sanskrit.

They don't study yoga.

They've never done anything like this.

But we can really get in the habit.

Sometimes it's innocent.

Sometimes we actually just only hang out with yogis.

And we actually don't realize that the rest of the world doesn't know what a pranayama means.

The rest of the world doesn't know what a chakra is.

It doesn't mean they're daft.

It just means that this isn't their area.

It hasn't been their area of interest perhaps yet.

And sometimes we innocently say words that other people don't know,

But we just use them so often.

It's normal.

But sometimes it's not.

Sometimes it's kind of an unconscious ego boost.

It makes us feel very something-something because we know all these fancy Sanskrit words.

We could just as easily say downward-facing dog or warrior,

Or we could just say sit cross-legged or sit in easy pose or sit comfortably.

And then we do a breathing technique that helps to calm our nervous system.

We often can do this if we can struggle with this.

Maybe you're a lawyer and you're using all these legal terms.

Well,

Just because someone doesn't have a law degree doesn't mean they're dumb.

It just means they don't know the jargon that you know.

Maybe you're really good at computers and someone asks you a question and you start using all these computer technological terms.

Well,

They're not going to know what you're saying.

You know what I mean?

And it's really easy to do this.

It's really easy to kind of,

Again,

Use this to intimidate people.

One of my favorite quotes by Einstein,

He said,

If you can't explain it to a six-year-old,

You don't really understand it.

And that is something that has lived in my soul for most of my life that I often think,

Wow,

If I can't explain this without using all of these fancy terms and jargon that most people wouldn't understand,

Maybe I don't really get it.

This is the genius.

If you ever want to hear something fascinating,

On YouTube,

Richard Feynman,

Who was probably one of the greatest physics geniuses of our time,

Absolutely rivaling Einstein,

Like just a genius beyond par none.

He did a series of talks.

It was just somebody asking him questions about physics.

I can't remember what the name of the series is called.

But they basically are like,

Can you explain magnetism?

Can you explain elasticity?

Can you explain.

.

.

And Richard Feynman was able to explain these very complex concepts in ways that anyone would understand.

And in no way was he talking down to you.

Like in no way was he saying,

Oh,

Well,

I get it.

You're uneducated.

You're not going to understand this.

He had such a thrill in this.

And the reason was because his dad did that to him.

That's how his dad spoke to him.

I read a number of his books that he wrote.

And his books,

I highly recommend any book that Richard Feynman wrote.

You can read a book about him,

But to read anything,

Like his own words,

He's so funny.

Like he is so hilarious.

But when he was a kid,

One time he and his dad were watching a show on dinosaurs.

And Richard is watching this.

And I don't know,

It was like something about a Tyrannosaurus rex or something.

After he said to Richard,

He goes,

So if a Tyrannosaurus rex was 14 feet tall and his head was 10 feet wide,

And again,

I don't know if these are correct measurements.

He'd say,

If a Tyrannosaurus rex was sitting outside of the house,

He'd be able to look into your second story bedroom.

And his head would probably be the same size as your bedroom.

And Richard Feynman's like,

Oh,

I get it.

And his dad would do this.

His dad would explain everything in a way that Richard Feynman could understand.

And this created a foundation in him that when he would teach quantum physics,

Like this guy was on the Manhattan Project.

This guy was friends with Einstein.

This guy was,

He was one of the greatest geniuses of our time.

But when he lectured,

He spoke in ways that everyone understood.

Like he understood things at the very basic foundation of everything.

He was a master communicator.

He was so beloved.

He was such a beloved teacher and lecturer and friend and everything.

Like he was just a great person.

We can all communicate like that.

The key is to really figure out what our intention is.

Why are we talking?

Why are we explaining things to someone?

Is it to connect with them?

Is it to explore this further?

I want to discuss this with you because I want to explore this further.

Like feel the energy of that.

Feel the reason I would use my voice.

As opposed to,

Here's what you've got to learn.

Here's what you need to memorize.

Here's what you,

You know what I mean?

Like it's a completely different energy.

I love Richard Feynman.

Anything he does,

Anything at all is so,

So interesting.

Not everybody is eloquent in their speech.

Sometimes it's very hard to speak.

Sometimes it's very hard to explain ourselves.

Not just quantum physics or explaining to someone how to shingle a roof or how to drive a car or whatever.

There's a lot of really great things we can do that we can explain to people.

But sometimes it's very hard to express ourselves.

Like kind of circling back to that,

How do we get,

How are we heard?

How are we understood by others?

And I do energy grids for people.

Some people literally have wiring in their throat chakra that makes it very easy to express themselves.

And a lot of us don't have anything in our throat chakra.

And we really have to work hard to be able to express ourselves.

So what's the primary way we do it?

That we do it through the heart.

And this comes back to the intention.

Our intention is communion.

Our intention is connecting with another person.

And how do we actually connect with each other?

Do we connect through our brains?

Like,

Is that how we connect?

Or do we connect through our hearts,

Through that heart energy,

Through love?

Jim would actually say that the definition of love is connection.

It's the way human beings connect.

So if we want to communicate with someone,

And we want to be heard,

And they assuming are listening and they want to hear,

We close our eyes,

And we speak from the heart.

We speak from feelings.

And I don't mean,

I feel like you're a jerk.

I mean,

I'm feeling sad.

I'm feeling really hurt right now.

But I'd like to talk about it.

And I'd like to sort of sort it out.

But to always come back into the heart,

And speak from that place.

That's where we'll be heard.

But of course,

If we've spoken before and been shot down,

We'll be afraid to speak from the heart,

Because this is the most vulnerable place.

This is who I am.

This is my real self.

And I don't really want to be shot down for that.

It's funny.

I was watching a show last night.

Okay.

It was Grey's Anatomy.

That's what it was.

So it was a hospital show.

And there was a couple.

The woman was lying in the bed,

And she had had a pimple.

Or she had had some kind of something on her,

A growth on her body.

And she didn't think it was a pimple.

She thought it was a strep infection or something.

So she had gotten antibiotics online or something,

And she took it,

And it kind of wrecked her body.

And now she had to get this other procedure.

And the husband was just berating her.

You're a hypochondriac.

You're an idiot.

You're this,

And what's wrong with you?

Obviously,

It wasn't a strep.

Why are you always on Google?

Why are you always trying to figure this out?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And he's just berating her and berating her and berating her.

And finally,

The doctor,

Karev,

He finally just looked at the guy and said,

Look,

She's just being honest with you.

Like,

Why don't you listen to her?

Why don't you just listen?

So the husband came in,

And he listened.

And the woman said,

She says,

Yeah,

I do always think I'm dying.

I do think that my stomach infection is probably cancer.

And I am afraid of the airwaves,

And I am afraid of this,

But it's just who I am,

And I don't know why,

And truthfully,

I don't understand why you don't see how dangerous the world is.

He doesn't have to agree with her.

He doesn't have to see the world the same way as her.

But when we listen to each other,

We get to connect.

It doesn't mean agreement.

It just means connection.

And then she can also hear his side that says,

I don't see the world as a scary place.

I'm not afraid of dying.

I'm not afraid that things,

Because I feel my body is going to heal myself.

And she can hear that too,

As long as she's not being made to be wrong.

These are two people speaking from their hearts.

And the second part of that is that if we want to understand someone,

We have to listen from our heart.

We have to stop listening with our brain that's analyzing everything,

And that maybe what they're saying is triggering our fears,

And it's triggering our sense of self-worth,

And all these kind of things.

We have to listen with our hearts also.

And when that husband came in,

And he started listening with his heart,

She was able to share in a way that she'd never shared before.

Before,

She just always felt like she was crazy,

And just alone in it,

And everything else.

So she was always defensive about everything,

And maybe a bit over the top about everything.

But as soon as he listened with his heart,

She was able to just be honest.

And he was able to hear her.

And they were able to continue with the procedure that they had to do.

And the last thing I want to mention is,

You know,

I often tell the story of when I was in Greece,

And I was chatting with this guy.

He was talking about how human beings are made of two things.

And he didn't.

.

.

English was not his first language by a long shot,

Maybe his third or fourth language.

And he said,

We're made of mathematics and emotions.

And the emotions are how we connect.

So this is a very interesting thing,

That if we don't try to use our voice necessarily to connect with our brain,

But we try to connect with our hearts,

We become clear with what our intention is.

And then we use everything else to help make those things happen.

Maybe we use our arms and we hug someone to show our intention to be close.

Maybe we use our voice to say something that helps to communicate our emotional state or our thoughts or our hopes or something.

But we can really use our voice in this way.

The key is just to remember what our intention is,

To be aware of it,

And to be aware of,

Why am I speaking right now?

Or why am I listening?

Why am I sitting here?

And that changes everything,

And we have millennia to unpack here.

So we have to be kind of gentle with ourselves in this process,

Because it'll take us a while to figure out how to really come into communion this way.

And I'd love to know if you have any questions or thoughts.

How do we respond when someone gives us unsolicited advice,

Especially when their intention is to be helpful?

Well,

You can just say thanks.

You know,

I appreciate your thoughts.

I appreciate your perspective.

And then that's it.

And who knows?

Maybe their little bit of advice will be interesting one day down the road,

And maybe there's a gem in it that maybe five years from now will be interesting.

Or maybe later you think,

Wow,

That's just what I needed to hear.

But you don't have to take it in.

You can just say,

Okay,

Thanks.

Of course,

They may get the fact that you're not swallowing this completely.

You're just taking it at face value.

That's the challenge,

Is when they keep at you,

When they keep like,

No,

No,

I don't think you're hearing me.

And it's like,

No,

I heard you.

It's okay,

I heard you.

But I've got a lot of thinking to do.

You know what I mean?

Like it's still up to us.

And it's a very interesting thing to philosophically understand that each one of us has a journey to take.

There's no such thing as the right path that someone else can guide us on.

We have to really ask ourselves philosophically,

What do we believe?

Do I believe that someone else can guide me on my path?

Or is the only path I'm taking is the one I'm taking?

Do you know what I mean?

There's no such thing.

So it's just interesting,

Like if we believe that someone else can give us advice,

And conversely,

If I believe that I can give you advice and you should take it,

Do we really believe that that's what life's about?

Telling other people how to spend their time on Earth?

That there's a right way to spend your time on Earth?

Or maybe we're just here having an experience and it doesn't matter what choices we make.

And that's just our experience.

Because as soon as we truly believe that,

When someone gives us advice,

It becomes very obvious that it's just making them feel good.

If we want them to feel good,

Maybe it's a parent or a friend or someone who really is well-meaning,

Let them feel good.

Let them say their piece and then taking someone else's advice doesn't really go with your philosophy anyway.

So yeah,

That's cool,

Right?

What strategies do you use when exchanging with someone who doesn't hear you?

See,

For me,

If someone doesn't hear me,

I don't think they want to hear me.

They don't want to.

Like,

If I'm saying something and they're not hearing me,

Why am I saying it?

They're obviously not asking for this.

And let's say it's a relationship,

Like a love relationship or a romantic relationship,

And they don't hear me.

I would seriously have to ask myself what's going on in the relationship.

Are we still connected?

Do we even have a relationship?

Are we actually relating any longer?

If we can't hear each other,

What is the nature of our relationship?

Is it convenience?

Is it money?

Is it fear of loneliness?

Why am I with this person?

Because if we're not actually able to commune,

To communicate,

Do we even have a relationship?

So I'm always curious.

If I feel like I'm not being heard,

I take a step back and I ask myself,

Why am I saying things that the other person doesn't want to know?

One,

Am I saying it for myself,

Which is interesting.

And if I believe that what I'm saying is intrinsically important to our relationship and the health of it,

And they're not interested,

Then I have to ask myself if we've diverged,

If our paths have diverged.

I notice that I hear myself talking whenever I'm not listened to,

And mainly if it's a family member,

And then it gets too heavy internally.

So with the people that I know that struggle to be heard,

The number one step is starting to listen to yourself and taking action based on your truth.

Because the pattern of not being heard,

It's us that's not listening to us.

There are choices we're not making because we're not listening to ourselves.

As soon as we start listening to ourselves and taking action in our lives,

It won't matter as much about other people not hearing.

And the problem is,

Is the people that we need,

That we're almost addicted to being heard,

Who we want them to hear us,

Will never hear us because they're not interested.

And again,

In those situations,

Are we hearing them?

Are we recognizing them for who they are?

Are they even that deep?

Do they see themselves in that way?

It's a very curious dynamic that we continue that child-parent dynamic,

That we perpetually want the parent to see us,

But at some point we're an adult and we're actually not seeing them either.

We're not seeing their pain.

We're not seeing the fact that they have walls.

They have walls the size of the wall of China.

They are blocked off from emotional connection.

They can't do it,

But we want them to hear us,

But we're not hearing them.

And it's a very interesting thing when we start really respecting the fact that,

This person is actually incapable,

But not from a judgment place,

Like they're incapable of love.

It's like,

Wow,

To have compassion for them and say,

Wow,

They have to live their life without this kind of connection.

To have,

At some point,

As soon as we can do that,

Everything changes.

How we share changes,

Who we share with changes,

How people share with us changes.

So it's a very interesting thing to just shift that lens and really start to listen to self and just start taking action.

It's sort of that journey of self-actualization,

Because self-actualization brings us out of the child powerlessness and allows us to dig deep and really become who we are.

And it's really,

Really,

Really important.

So thank you so much for being here,

And I hope you have a wonderful day.

Reviews

This was absolutely 💯 awesome. Perfect timing.
Gbless you! I definitely have to learn to respect those walls. And let them be.🙏🏼😘

A really great talk about the different dynamics in communication and how we can build connection through our communication habits. I appreciated the consistent theme of being intentional and really clear on why we are speaking. I also appreciated the guidance on how can navigate receiving advice but that we ultimately are the leader of our own journey. Lots of great wisdom in this talk.

Thank you Katrina, for this moving talk. What struck most was the idea of energetically moving away when listening to something we don’t want to hear or don’t care about from another. In relationships, this reoccurence is perhaps a signal that it’s time to evaluate the connection (or lack thereof)! This is so true for me at this time and I really needed to hear it. Thank you 🙏🏼

So so good. I’m fascinated by your comments on energy grids and what “wiring” we have where. Recognizing who we are on that deep, energetic level leads to self-understanding in a way that’s sounding different to me…🙏🙏