Self Love Explained

The whole concept of self-love is often misunderstood, and as a result, can be offputting or even triggering. It's time to simplify things just a little bit. This is an episode of the podcast Self Love Ignited which will help you see self-love through a new, more empowering lens and give you a gentle push toward creating a more loving, kind, compassionate relationship with yourself starting today.

This gets to be simple, it gets to be easy, and it gets to feel good.

Let's explain self-love.

Transcript

Welcome back to Self Love Ignited.

Today on the podcast,

It is a solo episode and I am talking about,

Shockingly,

Self love.

But really more specifically,

What is self love?

What isn't self love?

Talking about,

Are you empowered?

Can you have it?

Should you be scared of it?

All that good stuff.

We're sort of going to get back to the basics.

My name is Katie Allen and this is Self Love Ignited.

Let's get to it.

Welcome back to Self Love Ignited.

Today we are simply talking,

What is self love?

Let's actually explain it.

Let's get into it.

This podcast has been around for about a year and a half.

I have had many,

Many,

Many episodes talking about different elements of self love.

I've interviewed countless,

I would have to go back and count,

I don't even know,

So many guests about their individual and very unique stories about how they have transformed into self love.

It felt like the right time for me to do a self love explained episode.

The term self love is still very misunderstood.

It is still very triggering for a lot of people.

I think if we understand what self love is,

What it isn't,

And then talk about first steps that you can apply,

Hopefully it will take the edge off of that trigger or that sore spot for you and help you feel empowered.

Because,

You know,

My intention with this podcast,

With all of the work that I do really is for you to feel empowered,

For you to be able to create a loving relationship with yourself so that you can create the life that you want,

So that you can create the business that you desire if you own your own business,

Or so that you can step into the career that you desire if you have a career path where you're not self employed.

But if you're going to feel empowered in it,

I think that you need to understand what it is right so today we are going to go back to the basics.

Question number one.

What is self love?

This is a big question,

Obviously.

And I think it's really important to understand this is my own personal definition.

This is a definition that I believe in that I use for myself that I use in my work.

Everybody gets their own definition,

Of course.

But,

You know,

According to me self love is your relationship with yourself.

It's on the inside.

This is not something anybody else can see necessarily.

Self love is about your relationship with yourself.

And when I'm talking about self love I'm talking about having a relationship with yourself that is based on kindness,

Compassion,

Gentleness,

Understanding,

That is really a loving,

Safe place.

So that means that self love.

I'm sorry if you can hear noise in the background,

But there are some cats behind the door behind me,

Running around like crazy they sound like it's like a little herd of like buffalo or something I don't know,

There's two of them,

They're kittens.

If you cannot hear it.

Don't mind me if I'm a little bit distracted.

So self love is not narcissism.

Self love is not thinking that you are the shit that you are the best thing ever.

Self love is not having a relationship with yourself completely void of judgment or of criticism.

Right,

It's not thinking that you are perfect and everybody else is the one with the problem.

Absolutely not.

Self love is simply simply being inside of you and going,

I'm good with me.

I'm compassionate with me.

I'm gentle with me on this journey called life.

So when I talk about self love,

That is what I'm talking about.

And I get that that even that concept can still be quite challenging.

And that is for most people because self love.

I mean,

Really all relationships,

But you know,

Obviously we're talking about self love.

This is like a scale.

So if you are at a place of self loathing,

Which is where I used to be right if you don't know my story,

I've done a few episodes talking about my own story.

But if you don't know my story,

Really,

I grew up.

I was the fat kid.

I was bullied.

I was ashamed of who I was.

I was ashamed of what I looked like.

I hid.

I wore baggy clothes.

I cried myself to sleep.

I got into relationships that did not suit me.

I settled in jobs.

I settled in money.

I settled in every area of my life because I did not have that self belief.

I did not have any compassion towards myself.

I had nothing but judgment and shame.

So when I'm talking about self love,

Understand this is a scale.

And I mean,

You know,

You call it whatever you want,

But I think the scale sort of goes roughly from like self loathing,

Self hatred.

Then we can move towards self acceptance,

Neutrality,

And then we move towards self love.

Right.

And it's not linear and it is not the same for every person,

But that is like a general scale.

And on that scale,

Like I said,

Self acceptance is part of the journey towards self love.

So what is self acceptance?

Right.

That begs the question,

What is self acceptance?

Again,

A lot of people have the idea or the preconception,

This notion that self acceptance is settling.

That it is like,

Well,

This is as good as it gets and it's never going to get any better.

So I'm just going to give up and.

This is it.

This is me.

This is life.

Self acceptance,

Again,

Is not that at all.

To me,

Self acceptance is seeing where you are,

Seeing who you are,

Seeing what you look like,

Your body,

Your situation in life.

It's this piece of acceptance is seeing that and not fighting it.

It's seeing that and going,

OK,

This is me.

This is what I look like.

This is my body.

This is my life.

This is my situation.

This is this is it.

And this is where I want to be.

And I still have goals and I still have dreams and I still have aspirations and I am actively taking steps to get there while not fighting where I am in the present moment.

So when we talk about self acceptance as a step on the journey towards self love,

What we are talking about is self loathing is generally speaking,

A rejection of self.

Right.

It is I am not good enough.

I am ugly.

I am wrong.

I am disgusting.

I am bad.

Right.

It is a rejection of self and an idea of I just have to change myself and then,

OK,

I just have to lose that weight and then I'll be happy.

I just have to do this thing and then I will finally be successful or I will finally find love or I will finally whatever.

So that is that like self loathing,

Like I need to change me.

There is something wrong with me if I ever want to do these things.

Self acceptance is more of a neutral ground.

It is sort of saying I see this.

I see where I'm at.

I see what I look like.

Not in love with it,

But I don't reject it.

This is OK.

This is OK.

And what can I do to take me forward?

And then self love is sort of self acceptance on steroids,

I guess you could say.

Right.

Because it is doing that as well.

It is also seeing the present moment,

But it is with a deep,

Deep.

Compassion,

Level of kindness,

Gentleness with yourself.

So I think really understanding when I talk about self love on this podcast,

My programs,

On social media,

Wherever it happens to be.

This is what I'm talking about.

Right.

This is what I'm talking about.

And self love is on that sliding scale of self loathing,

Acceptance,

Self love.

And understanding that we are all,

Whether we like it or not,

Somewhere on that scale,

Whether we are conscious about it or not,

Whether we feel like we have control over it or not,

Which I'm going to get to in a moment.

We are all on that scale somewhere.

And there is no end point.

There is no like I have achieved it.

Tick,

Tick it off the to do list.

I never have to think about it again,

Because you know what?

Self love is your relationship with yourself.

Your relationship with yourself is the longest one you will ever have.

You may have heard me say this before,

But it is really important and I want you to hear it.

Your relationship with yourself is the longest one you will ever have.

It is longer than the one you will have with your spouse,

With your parents,

Siblings,

Friends.

There is nobody else who is going to be with you from the moment you are born to the moment that you die.

Nobody.

It is you.

It is you with yourself.

That is it.

And you know what?

You have the power to determine what kind of relationship you want to have.

Just like every other relationship,

It is constantly growing and evolving and changing.

And you might have a fight and you might have a rough couple of days and then you might come back and then you might feel really great.

Right.

It is a relationship.

It ebbs and flows and grows.

But you are not at its whim.

You are not at its mercy.

You are not a victim.

This is your relationship.

You are the only one in it and you are the only one who has the power to change it.

The only one.

So if you have felt in any way victimized,

If you have felt like something is happening to you,

If you have felt like there are outside sources that are making you hate yourself or making you feel like you are not enough,

You know what?

All those things exist.

Sure.

But you still have the ultimate power over it.

You still have the choice to do something about it or not.

Period.

End of story.

You are completely empowered.

You just have to step up and claim it.

And that begs the question.

How do I do this?

How do I step into self-love?

How do I even start on this journey?

And I want to tell you the good news is that you already have.

By listening to this podcast or,

You know,

Watching this video,

If you're watching the video version,

You already have.

By choosing to open your mind to the idea,

The mere idea that it could be even possible for you,

You've already started taking steps.

So just soak that in for a moment.

Congratulate yourself for that.

I know from firsthand experience when you are in that place of not liking yourself,

Not loving yourself,

Rejecting yourself.

The concept of congratulating yourself or celebrating yourself is almost laughable.

It is so foreign and celebrating little steps can feel kind of dumb.

It's so good.

Useless.

Pointless.

But I'm here to tell you that is not the case.

That every moment you have a choice how you want to relate to yourself.

Every breath.

You get to choose.

So I really want to invite you today right now to breathe in.

Breathe out.

And celebrate yourself just for this moment.

The fact that you are here.

You have already started this journey.

And that is no small feat.

Takes a hell of a lot of bravery and courage and open mindedness to even just listen to this podcast.

And the other thing that I really want to say is.

Curiosity is going to be your best friend on this journey.

Every step along the way requires you to think about things differently,

To be open to a different experience,

A different possibility,

A different interpretation.

So curiosity,

Having that open mindedness of I wonder if this is possible.

I wonder if it's even possible for me to love myself or even just not hate myself.

When you are judging yourself,

I wonder what this judgment wants for me.

If you are afraid of something,

I wonder what this fear wants for me.

If you are looking in the mirror and you are criticizing your body,

I wonder what this criticism wants for me.

I wonder what I am hoping to achieve by criticizing myself.

That tool,

That question,

Just having a question mark instead of a judgment,

Immediately opens you up to new possibilities.

Open mindedness instead of closedness.

So curiosity and intentionally asking questions,

Intentionally not jumping to conclusions,

But just going,

Hmm,

I wonder.

That is a huge tool,

Huge tool.

Please do not underestimate the power of that.

And you know what?

The other thing really,

And I touched on it a bit before,

Is reframing this journey.

Now,

What do I mean by that?

That's kind of coach,

Coach speak.

When I talk about reframe,

I'm talking about the lens through which you are viewing it.

So it would be really easy to look at this situation.

You know,

Maybe you are in a place of self-loathing,

Hating yourself,

Not being able to celebrate anything about yourself,

Looking in the mirror and rejecting what you see,

Whatever it happens to be,

And thinking,

Oh my God,

This is just one more thing I have to do.

What you're telling me now,

I have to work on my relationship with myself.

I have to add that to my to do list.

Now that's another thing.

Right.

So it would be really easy to see this as an annoyance,

A bother,

Something that is just in the way.

Or you can reframe it.

And you can choose to see it as a beautiful,

Incredible privilege,

As a gift that you find yourself in this place,

In this time,

With the resources available to you,

Where you actually get to choose.

Where you get to go on this journey to discover more love,

To discover more goodness,

More acceptance,

Where you get to step into hope,

Step into creating a better inner ecosystem within yourself so that you can create a better life on the outside.

What a privilege that you get this opportunity.

What a gorgeous experience you get to have.

And as you step into this journey,

What else gets to open up for you?

Do you see the element of curiosity here?

I wonder what else will develop or open up for me when I step towards self-acceptance,

Self-love.

I wonder what other relationships or new people I will call into my life when I shift within me.

I wonder what new opportunities will open up to me.

I wonder how my health and my well-being and my mental health will shift as a result.

Right.

Can you see how simply seeing this as a privilege,

Seeing this as something that you get to do rather than that you have to do,

Opens up a whole new world.

You see it through a new lens and you get to be curious and excited about what comes next as a result.

So self-love is not something that you have to do.

It's not something that you are going to be forced into.

It is completely voluntary.

This journey,

This developing this relationship with yourself is completely voluntary.

It is completely voluntary and you are 100 percent capable and empowered to begin today.

Because like I said before,

You have a relationship with yourself,

Whether you like it or not.

It is the longest one of your whole life,

The only one that you cannot leave,

You cannot get a divorce from yourself.

You are with yourself.

And it is your choice what you do with that information.

You can continue to reject yourself.

You can continue to try to change pieces of yourself so that you can be happy,

So that you can be successful.

Or you can step into acceptance.

You can step into making peace with yourself and continue to evolve.

But you will evolve from a place of curiosity,

Openness,

Love,

Hope.

Right.

I hope that you can see the difference that there is a massive,

Massive difference.

And understanding what self-love is,

Understanding that it is just a development of a relationship with a journey.

It is a journey that will create a solidity within you,

Where you get to be your own rock.

You get to be your own best friend.

It is a journey that will completely transform your life,

Whether you like it or not.

It is a journey that will make your world better.

It is a journey that you get to choose.

And just like any other journey,

It will involve some loss.

There will be some letting go.

But a lot of that letting go might be letting go of old beliefs,

Beliefs that you're not enough,

Beliefs that you're not worthy,

Beliefs that you can't,

Beliefs that you don't deserve something,

Beliefs that your body needs to be smaller,

Beliefs that you are not capable.

Right.

There's going to be some release of old habits,

Old behaviors,

Old beliefs,

And some welcoming of some beautiful,

Beautiful new ones.

I hope that listening to this episode has helped you understand a little bit more about what self-love is,

What self-love isn't,

So that it can be less triggering for you.

Right.

Self-love is not bubble baths and mani-pedis.

It can be an expression of self-love.

But self-love is an internal thing.

It cannot be seen.

It can only be felt.

With that,

I'm going to leave you,

Have a beautiful end of 2021.

I hope that this is the year that you open to self-love and that it's just the beginning for you.

It is just the beginning.

Have a beautiful day.

So much love to you.

Here is to you loving all that you are.

I'll see you very soon.

Reviews

This was what I needed to hear. I was that fat bullied kid too.
Thank you 🙏

What a beautiful explanation! I didn’t know I needed this journey. Thank you 🙏❤️