Why I Moved Back Home At 40

At 40, I moved back home - not from failure, but from deep transformation. This is a real story about spirituality, grief, big change, loss and trusting in your own discernment even when it feels like it's all falling apart.

Transcript

So for the past maybe 10 years,

I'd been pretty high on spirituality and manifesting.

It was the kind of manifesting that feels like magic,

Like you're communicating with another realm.

And that was really,

Really fun.

Maybe other people can relate.

Early on in my spiritual journey,

It felt really easy to be excited and positive because the conventional way of experiencing life was pretty bleak.

So discovering this new way felt like bright lights,

Big city,

Sign me up.

It felt really good to be blindly happy for a while.

Looking back now,

I can say,

Yeah,

That was a really nice time.

Way easier than some of the shit I've been through recently.

I think somewhere along the line in all of that happiness and magic and synchronicity,

I just kind of forgot that crappy real life stuff still happens.

People still get sick,

Parents age,

Dogs die.

I was just in a period of stability and I didn't even realize it.

You know,

It's the kind of thing people look back on fondly as the good old days after those days feel very far away.

So after a couple of years,

Things started to shift.

I had gained so much from my spiritual journey.

It opened up my life.

It gave me a new perspective and it set me on a path that I'm deeply,

Deeply grateful for.

And once you see,

You can't unsee.

There's no going back.

But what I recognize now is that the honeymoon phase was just kind of starting to end for a while.

And it wasn't that I stopped manifesting or that the universe wasn't still throwing me little winks.

I was still very much at it.

But now I was manifesting the things I truly needed for my growth.

And I think that's why life got a little harder because I was ready for tougher lessons.

The really big stuff,

The deep,

Juicy work that is so embedded.

Most of us never attempt to dig it out.

I'm talking about life infrastructure being rearranged,

Purged really.

And I believe that we only become capable of this level of change once we've cleared the way for it.

And even when it feels like we didn't want any of it,

On some level,

We knew it was time and we felt it coming.

Sometimes life is boring and simple,

And it can feel like nothing is happening.

And sometimes life is really lifey and it's hard and it's sad and just kind of annoying.

And you may wonder,

Can I just catch a break?

And what I've learned is it's not because life is unfair or that we aren't spiritual enough or we aren't manifesting correctly.

It's because maybe we're in a season of major change and transition.

For myself,

I can admit that I asked the universe for some of the hard stuff that's happened lately.

Not all of it,

Of course,

But a lot of it I set in motion.

And I got a pleasant reminder that not everything will manifest in a cloud of pink joy and gratitude.

Some things manifest as getting demoted at your job.

And sure,

I was ready to move on from that job.

It didn't feel aligned anymore,

And I was dragging my feet.

And then bam,

Life lifts the veil and you can't unsee what you saw.

And whether you like it or not,

You're on a new timeline and you're going to have to see how it plays out.

So,

Fingers crossed for an easy trip.

But no,

Life handed me the hard route.

The rug being pulled out from under you kind.

And on a soul level,

I get it.

It's great.

I needed the push.

Thank you.

But on a human level,

It really,

Really sucked.

It was incredibly destabilizing.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever been through.

And I had cried so much,

I honestly didn't think that my eyeballs would ever feel normal again.

I will spare you the tiny details,

But here is my really crappy year in a nutshell.

I packed up my sweet little home and moved in with my boyfriend,

Only to quickly discover that I was just being shown what I did not want.

And so,

I lived with my ex for four months and packed up my life again and moved into a new place.

A few months later,

My dog's health took a very drastic turn very suddenly and almost died.

And while literally nursing her back to health,

I got demoted at my job.

Not because of my performance,

But because of stupid red tape.

So,

I decided to quit the job that screwed me over,

The last stable thing in my life,

Or so I thought,

And move across the country to seek refuge with my family,

Whom I haven't lived near in seven years.

So,

There I was,

Packing up my life again,

Plus five days of driving with my 15-year-old dog,

Whose bowel control is questionable,

And my mom,

Whose bowel control is also questionable.

Sorry mom,

You know it's true.

I arrived home to discover my 90-year-old grandmother was in the hospital right before Christmas.

And to top it off,

My room at my mom's house had a leak directly over my bed.

Nowhere else in the house,

Just in my room.

So,

I spent a couple of nights in a hotel.

But it was a lot.

It was a lot.

And my nervous system was so done.

After months and months of change,

Uncertainty,

Destabilization,

Heartbreak,

And grief,

All I wanted was a soft landing here.

But I did not get that.

I got the opposite.

I got a really bumpy,

Rough landing that had me holding on for dear life.

I was running on fumes.

There's only so much anyone can handle,

Yet somehow,

I kept showing up.

Each day.

Even though I did not feel okay.

Even though I did not feel grounded.

Even though I was questioning everything.

I knew deep down that eventually things would level out.

I was in a season of deep change and transition,

And it wouldn't last forever.

Even though it definitely feels like forever when you're experiencing it.

Through it all,

Though,

I still believed I'd made the right choice.

None of the steps that brought me here were rushed or driven by fear.

I made them from alignment,

With years of practiced discernment.

I knew I was supposed to be here.

I trusted the signs I received while making these choices.

And I trusted myself.

So yes,

I moved home at 40.

Not because I'm a loser,

But because I envisioned a new chapter for myself,

And I noticed that life was actually giving me a window,

Even though it felt scary and really crappy at the time.

I saw that my old life could no longer hold me,

And a big change was available if I wanted it.

I'm happy to report that things did smooth out.

My grandma is out of the hospital,

My dog is stable,

The week got fixed,

And I'm feeling more settled in my new life.

And the sweet little synchronicities and winks from the universe have returned.

So for now,

My nervous system can rest.

Big changes are challenging,

But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't do them.

It doesn't mean that we're failing.

It just means we're in transition.

And let me tell you,

Being in transition,

I think that's one of the hardest places for a human to be.

But we can do it.

And we will do it.

And we actually are strong enough,

Even when it feels like we aren't.

Reviews

Thank you for sharing Kate, quite the shit stretch your been through. Glad life is smoothing out a little. You are an awesome meditation teacher and a amazing person hope this year treats you much better ❤️