Rewriting Relational Trauma: Part Three

Trauma Unpacked is a podcast identifying the subtle life-robbing effects of unresolved relational trauma that we may or may not recognize in our lives. Host’s Inger Andress and Anna Sorensen are survivors of relational trauma and discuss the benefits of taking this journey and encourage others to enter the beginning of healing through their awareness.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Trauma Unpacked.

My name is Inger Andress and with me I'm Anna Sorensen.

And we are actually trying to bring awareness to the obstacles of unresolved relational trauma in our lives.

And to look at it because we want to see the benefits of healing from that relational trauma that we sometimes knowingly or unknowingly keep hidden.

Our goal is to have a conversation about several topics around relational trauma to share with you how it has helped move us through our process of healing.

In hopes that it will help you as a listener to grow through your process of healing.

Okay,

The next area where relational trauma seems to write a story is in our work connections.

Also for those of us who hold leadership responsibilities and how they are affected by that story from within.

So there are many childhood wounds that are still needing to be healed for those of us in leadership positions,

For those of us in any professional positions.

And understanding how it affects our work relationship and connections with others can truly make such a big difference in our lives.

In enjoying our everyday to day life versus getting caught up in drama and overreacting to things that were never intended to throw us into a funk.

How has that affected you in your life because I know you have a lot of leadership responsibilities.

So it was interesting for me what I'm starting to see as a pattern is that those of us who have had relational trauma with authority figures in our life.

We tend to want to be in leadership positions because it gives us a place of safety where we can feel more in control.

Because we don't have to be as susceptible to another person's authority.

That is a dangerous place for those of us who have had that kind of relational trauma with authority figures.

How did it come about that you recognized that?

Was it something that you saw was a negative pattern that was playing out in your leadership responsibilities that you identified as relating to relational trauma in your past?

It almost came in from a back door because it was after advising many leaders that I started to see the pattern of the need for control.

In them?

In them.

Okay.

And then that helped me actually recognize why I tend to be in those positions myself.

And so it was through realizing on many occasions,

Not all,

That there is a strong conflict at work.

Because once in that authority position if somebody has had some sort of relational trauma,

It's very hard to let go of those reins.

Needing to have others be more like you and not have difference of thought.

So that's a negative that you're saying can come out of wanting too much control in that situation.

Right.

And there can be so many different reasons why a person with different types of relational trauma might want to be in a leadership position and have that place of safety.

Are there ways to identify in yourself if that feeling of wanting safety or control is happening if you're in a leadership position?

Probably the perfectionism or the type A personality where getting things done and if they're going to be done right and to make sure that you don't fail,

That all the details are thought of and you get it done and you do it well.

That sounds like a positive thing.

That's right.

So there's actually the positive,

Which is usually another reason why you get those positions is because there's such an intensity to make sure that it is done right because our self-concept has more to do with our due than really understanding our being.

We thrive in performance-based feeling that we have to prove ourselves one way,

Shape or another where we get a lot done,

But it has a definite ceiling to growth because you don't allow other people then to participate.

It's hard to delegate responsibilities and if you do,

Then there's a tendency to micromanage to make sure that it's done in a certain way because there goes the alarm within yourself of feeling that it won't be done correctly.

There's going to be a sense of failure and it's going to be a reflection of you.

And so if you're not at peace within yourself and that relational trauma has caused you to be triggered with anything that's less than perfect,

It's going to keep you from exploring other ways to do something and not allow other people to participate and collaborate.

How's thinking or even influence your leadership skills and how you think a team should be run?

Because true leadership is more about facilitating the strengths and differences of other people.

It has nothing to do with you as the leader,

Truly.

It's just allowing and making sure that those are being funneled and channeled in the actions that need to be done and helping them grow as a team and confidence.

Well,

When you say that,

Immediately what comes to mind is that's the role of a parent is to guide the strengths and differences of the child.

And so when that fails,

You didn't learn how to do that.

Then until applying that to a leadership role,

You would naturally go with the style of leadership or parenting that you had,

Which probably in a poor relationship building scenario would be control.

Right.

Yeah.

That's a very good point.

But it's amazing how automatic it is,

Though we have wonderful intentions about caring for those people around us.

If we're not more mindful of our tendency to stay within our story,

Our old story,

And living out possibly the way that the abuser in our life treated us,

That will show itself through unless we're actually aware of those tendencies,

Even at work.

Yeah,

I know that that was a journey for me through several jobs that I've had,

I think more as a co-worker or being under authority versus being the leader and understanding how my response to someone who had authority over me was me repeating my old pattern,

For example,

Maybe not feeling listened to and responding in my old pattern of getting angry or blaming or giving a lecture.

And trying to find a new path to be assertive,

Not take certain things personally,

You know,

Changing the way that I behave and the way I perceive the relationship interaction and recognizing that a lot of it had to do with my family of origin and how relationships were shown to me.

And it's made a huge difference.

That's beautiful.

And if we could just bring that awareness and set it out there for us to contemplate and understand and think curiously,

Am I participating in that?

Do I really lead in such a way that allows the other person to grow and expand?

Am I thinking about their well-being or is it just about securing my job or my status or what my agenda is or how I look?

Any time that we focus more upon how it makes us look is definitely a warning sign that we're not truly living out and rewriting our story because we're living through somebody else's eyes again,

Which is what our relational trauma trains us to do is to think through that person's eyes and not our own.

So there are many childhood wounds that are still needing to be healed for those of us in leadership positions,

For those of us in any professional positions and understanding how it affects our work relationship can truly make such a big difference in our lives and enjoying our every day-to-day life versus getting caught up in drama and overreacting.

So we can do this differently.

We have options,

But are we aware of those options is all part of what we're trying to do here today.

I hear you saying there's hope and there's liberation from a self-limiting mindset.

Exactly.

Thank you,

Inger.

Thanks for joining us today.

We know that some of this information can be very hard to hear,

Sensitive,

Raw feelings.

We want you to love yourself.

If there were any of those kind of emotions drawn up when listening,

We're in this together.

Thank you for listening today.

We hope this encourages you in your journey of healing and that you feel loved and cared for.

Reviews

Thank you! 🙏👼🏽👼👼🏻💫💞

Raw

Really insightful

Wow, wow, wow!!! So very true, man oh man do I wish I would have had / heard this in the past with boards I’d been part of. I can see/recognize this in many of people/positions I and others have held ...... Amazing how the past can come out in all different aspects of our lives, very enlightening & thought provoking! Good one, real good one!