Rewriting Relational Trauma: Part Four

Trauma Unpacked is a podcast identifying the subtle life-robbing effects of unresolved relational trauma that we may or may not recognize in our lives. Host’s Inger Andress and Anna Sorensen are survivors of relational trauma and discuss the benefits of taking this journey and encourage others to enter the beginning of healing through their awareness.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Trauma Unpacked.

My name is Inger Andress and with me I'm Anna Sorensen and we are actually trying to bring awareness to the obstacles of unresolved relational trauma in our lives and to look at it because we want to see the benefits of healing from that relational trauma that we sometimes knowingly or unknowingly keep hidden.

Our goal is to have a conversation about several topics around relational trauma to share with you how it has helped move us through our process of healing in hopes that it will help you as a listener to grow through your process of healing.

Probably the most difficult of all when dealing with relational trauma is trusting another person.

So this final episode is dealing with not only another person but a person that we supposedly had signed off with being a very special significant other,

A partner that we have chosen that we want to spend time and live out our life with.

So this becomes challenging because first and foremost we are with this person more than anybody else and it's in our down times and our up times that this person will see us and will know us.

It is at a point where we are the most vulnerable which with relational trauma can set up all sorts of alarms and triggers.

So hats off to you for even wanting to get this far to listen to this because it takes great courage to do this.

When we have relational trauma we can tend to when things go wrong blame ourselves and be hard on ourselves when you're trying to rewrite your story within an intimate relationship.

Can you talk a little bit about the progression of a relationship when you've had trauma in your past?

How an example might be of how it affects that intimate relationship?

Yes,

Because what's so ironic is at the beginning usually it's just wonderful.

You just never thought you would ever meet somebody like this.

You know,

You want to make sure that the person is authentic and you feel like you can trust them and there's an excitement but then as time goes on different stressors in life happen and changes.

Different responsibilities and roles start kicking in for various things.

You start to get possibly triggered or you have certain tendencies to think about life through the lens of the trauma that you've been in and there's a tendency to eventually start to accuse your partner of the same things that your perpetrator did to you in various ways and it has to do with a subconscious story that's going around in the background.

A scenario,

An example of that could be where there is a man who has had a very difficult relationship with his mother in the past and he struggles with trust.

When he and his wife go out to eat he thinks that she is making eye contact with another man or let's say that even they are part of some club or organization that they do on a regular basis.

He feels every time that she's around this certain couple or person that she's starting to find the other person attractive and is going out of her way to do things and in all actuality he could be making that up completely and that that's not happening at all.

In fact,

She could be an incredibly devout friend and want to show her loyalty to him but it doesn't matter how much that she tries to show that this person will always find a scenario that that person is being untrustworthy because eventually you'll go from one relationship to another,

From one friendship to another,

You won't be able to hold those friendships or relationships because there will be always setting the story.

You will be rejected in one way shape or another and it will prove itself out because you will falsely accuse the person that you care for and want to be in relationship with even though.

So you're repeating a pattern regardless of the next relationship unless you are mindful of it and how it affects your life and your perception on relationship.

What we tend to do as victims is to blame those around us for our trauma and so that victim mindset actually if not addressed will want to repeat itself unless you're actually daily reminding yourself of the story that you want to write and move towards in a positive direction.

There will be a tendency to fall into the pit of self-sabotage of various types that will put out in your head that your partner is trustworthy.

We talked a little bit about this in the very beginning in the first podcast.

Some examples might be rejection or mistrust,

Misunderstanding the situation and we talked about it being mostly unconscious at first.

Like you said,

If you're not mindful of how your relationship trauma is affecting you today,

You're not going to be purposely.

In fact,

You're going to be so persuaded that this is what's going on.

That is so hard to discern within yourself of going,

Wait a minute,

To stop in the midst of the reaction and the chemistry that's going on inside of thinking that for sure this is what's happening and that you have every reason to not trust this person anymore.

When if you do that ahead of time,

You'll have much better chance to go,

Whoa,

Here's that strong reaction going on inside me.

This must be way out of bounds.

I need to give myself a break.

I need to step aside.

I need to get in a place where I feel warm and safe and whatever it is that helps you calm down those triggers and then ask yourself why was there a strong reaction like that?

Is this more of something that reminds me of my past or is this really what just happened?

I appreciate how in times past you have talked about either talking out loud over a recorder to listen to yourself and try to sort through or journal it to help see your thoughts on paper can help you start to realize whether or not that was an exaggerated emotion that was based on a false alarm or whether it really was something to draw your attention and energy towards.

One of the things I wanted to talk about was how the beginning part when you're deciding who you're going to choose to spend your life with and how your relationship trauma can affect that decision,

How we may be looking for someone to meet needs of ours in terms of belonging or in terms of love or acceptance when that's not their job but it was something that we didn't get as perhaps in our family of origin and now are looking for that need to be met through someone else and it can be elusive or it can be very hard to identify because you are dealing with love in general when you're in such a intimate relationship and in trying to come together and choose someone who yes can meet each other's needs but figuring out have you come to a place in your ability to have relationships where you aren't needing to feel that sense of belonging and that sense of acceptance from them that you already come complete with that so that you can then come together and encourage and build each other up and build that love without feeling like you need something from that person that you're actually there to give back and the other person is there to give to you but it's more balanced.

That's a great point.

Thank you,

Anna.

I love it because it brings clarity to,

It's an older word,

But codependency that was the dysfunctional relationship at which we're used to coming from.

You don't need that person to fill in anything missing from you and that you are full and complete for who you are and it's two full and complete people who are wanting to enjoy life together versus needing to rely upon each other in order for your life to be complete and so really putting some thought and effort into making sure that you feel complete as a person before entering into a relationship or if you already are in one.

I didn't find that until after my husband and I were married so that completeness actually was part of my growth after we were married because that was something he actually wanted for me to experience but that is a huge identification that would be so helpful for people before they enter into any kind of partnership of closeness.

Then you're not expecting the other person to know what you need and to feel that you're not being loved unless they know what you need before you ask it,

That they are supposed to understand without you communicating what you need.

That kind of miscommunication,

Under the table kind of expectation can really drain a relationship and not allow a fluidity of friendship and appreciation rather that becomes a sense of needing to fulfill certain requirements and it becomes performance based which is truly not love.

Yeah,

Good point.

If we don't have that awareness of how our story is affecting us in our present day until several years into an intimate relationship,

Recognizing how it changes the other person too,

It's like you're repeating a pattern now with another person and they're going to have sort of side effects so to speak of our story that we are bringing to the table which is a natural life journey.

I mean we all affect each other but I think being mindful and aware and then I think that also puts some responsibility on the other person to be mindful and aware of how they've been changed by our story.

I think another pattern that happens is when one person starts to change their story and patterns of behavior that can be really hard for the other person and confusing on what is happening and there's a variety of ways that person might respond that could be negative but I think the important part is to talk about it letting that person that you're with know what's happening inside of you.

If you're starting to make these changes you might come across as very different and we all have patterns of relating and if they haven't seen this part of you before they aren't going to know how to respond necessarily it's going to take time for them and I think that's the important part is being open and communicating about the changes that you're making by rewriting your story and it may be hard for that other person because they're used to a certain dance,

A certain pattern between the two of you.

Beautiful.

Thank you for sharing that.

We appreciate you listening today and want you to be aware if your tendency now is to over evaluate,

Be hard on yourself,

Think that you need to be at a different place than where you're at right now.

You're exactly where you need to be.

Your awareness is a huge step in the right direction and be patient with yourself.

It's very key in this whole process is to be kind,

Patient and compassionate.

A quote that I remember hearing is that we're not called to be perfect,

We're called to be unstoppable and that helps me remember not to be super hard on myself when I'm not getting it right but to get up and keep going and to know that this is truly the opportunity for you to live a life that is so much more full and abundant that gives you inner peace and allows your soul to expand to a new premise of joy.

Allows you to have new experience relationships in a whole new way that you never thought was possible.

That allows you to experience that relationship can actually be a gift and that it is there to fulfill life.

We are in my opinion put on this earth.

I'm realizing now to be connected to others and that's really hard to understand when you've come from relationship trauma to want to move into that because it's more natural to create distance and so realizing that there's joy in relating with one another and it's fulfilling and can be energy producing rather than energy draining.

So we encourage the bravery,

We encourage you to step into developing new relationships,

We encourage you to rewrite your story,

Embrace new ways of relating.

Once again you first need to have self-compassion,

You need to be kind,

You need to be non-condemning inside yourself because that could send you into a spiraling deep black hole of shame and guilt,

Keep you from actually exploring and moving towards new things in your endeavor to rewrite your story.

Thanks for joining us today.

We know that some of this information can be very hard to hear,

Sensitive,

Raw feelings.

Want you to love yourself.

If there were any of those kind of emotions drawn up when listening,

We're in this together.

Thank you for listening today.

We hope this encourages you in your journey of healing and that you feel loved and cared for.

Reviews

Love this series about trauma healing ❤️‍🩹 The world needs more of this healing.

Omg I needed that

🙏👼🏽👼👼🏻💫💞

Just what I needed today, thank you.

Thanks ladies for putting this out there. Nice to feel not alone.

Perfect

Thank you sweet soul siblings! Truly appreciated..Much love,light& blessings..
Namaste
🙏