Introduction: Rewriting Relational Trauma

Trauma Unpacked is a series of podcasts identifying the subtle life-robbing effects of unresolved relational trauma that we may or may not recognize in our lives. Host’s Inger Andress and Anna Sorensen are survivors of relational trauma and discuss the benefits of taking this journey and encourage others to enter the beginning of healing through their awareness.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome to Trauma Unpacked.

My name is Inger Andress and with me I'm Anna Sorensen.

And we are actually trying to bring awareness to the obstacles of unresolved relational trauma in our lives and to look at it because we want to see the benefits of healing from that relational trauma that we sometimes knowingly or unknowingly keep hidden.

Our goal is to have a conversation about several topics around relational trauma to share with you how it has helped move us through our process of healing in hopes that it will help you as a listener to grow through your process of healing.

Yes,

Today we're actually going to dive into some subterranean territories where it's going to ask us some questions that are going to be so vital for us to ask ourselves because what we tend to do as victims is to blame those around us for our trauma.

And it is a very sad thing because usually the people that care for us the most get hurt the most and that they had no intentions whatsoever of being untrustworthy.

But because we believe so strongly that we are victims and that this is what's going on and it's only repeating from our past,

We have not created other options in our head to take life in a different perspective that sees that that's not what's going on.

And so it ends up hurting our friends or whoever that might be greatly and causes great division because we falsely accuse them.

The issues that we're going to talk about today are very difficult to pinpoint because they are subconscious.

They're so ingrained the trauma is actually inlaid in the brain.

So the trauma has actually set up neuron pathways within our chemistry to truly believe that we think and see something that sets us up to be rejected as we were when we were younger.

Whether that is in a friendship that we think that somebody just said something offensive to us when they didn't and they honestly had no intention nor were they even close to it or with our significant others were in a public setting and we think that we set ourselves up to be rejected.

And so unless we take time to start understanding our story that's been repeating since our childhood and take the time to identify it first and then learn how to rewrite that and make it our own story,

It will repeat itself,

Cut off friendships,

Relationships with people in a premature way that's mainly based upon false accusations that we put on the other person if we're not aware that we are repeating and setting ourselves up to feel that rejection.

So is this our story that we come with,

That we're born with,

That we didn't have a choice in how,

What family we were born into and how our foundation of our relationship skills got set up?

We bring that story with us into our young adulthood,

Our adulthood,

Wherever we discover what this story is and how it affects our lives.

We do have the choice to rewrite that story in our new present day relationships.

Because we have more awareness come to ourselves,

How those patterns interact,

We have a choice of how we rewrite that story.

Good.

So let's just take a boyfriend-girlfriend situation that's gotten close,

So we're a partner.

If trust issues have still not been resolved within the trauma of one's past,

There can be a scenario where in your mind you're setting up that this person is being unfaithful to you,

Where you're thinking that you see them trying to get this person's attention or that you start to actually make up in your head scenarios to make you be rejected in the relationship.

So you're saying that our perception is where the trauma interferes with,

The story that when we look at something and how we perceive it may not be accurate because the trauma is creating the background to try to fill that in.

Right.

I just think this is such an important piece of miscommunication that happens in relationship,

Whether it's with our friendships,

Whether it's with our coworkers,

Or even with our partner,

And especially with our partner,

Because the more we are in a trusting relationship,

Those of us with relational trauma tend to have an alarm go off.

The closer it gets,

The more dangerous it gets.

What do you mean by dangerous?

That inside,

Because there's been hurt,

There is a tendency for a subconscious alarm to say don't get any closer because you're going to get hurt again.

And so that alarm system in our current relationships tends to be set off unnecessarily,

And yet it's very hard to know the difference because we think unless we have this awareness piece and know that there are actually going to be times when we're going to think something really is happening,

That we need to ask the other person honestly,

Is this what just happened,

Instead of assuming it right away.

This is where we can't just do this by ourselves.

We need a friend that we truly trust in a point of time when we're not triggered,

At a time when we're feeling safe enough to share our thoughts,

Is to discuss this with the person that you're close with and ask them whether or not those things have happened in different scenarios or could happen because eventually you'll go from one relationship to another,

From one friendship to another.

You won't be able to hold those friendships or relationships because there will be always setting the story.

You will be rejected in one way,

Shape,

Or another,

And it will prove itself out because you will falsely accuse the person that you care for and want to be in relationship with.

So you're repeating a pattern regardless of the next relationship unless you are mindful of it and how it affects your life and your perception on relationship.

And so many of our stories have not been identified that they can change and they don't have to be the same as what we're used to.

And that scariness of changing it because we don't know of another way sometimes prevents us from even wanting to try to know that there's other options out there of how to think of something.

So I really would like us to participate in these next few podcasts to understand different relationships that we have written a story about,

Whether it be about our relationship with ourselves,

How we view ourselves.

That can be based upon the trauma of the past,

The relational trauma.

That really isn't who we are,

But we're still allowing it to define who we are.

So that's one area.

And then the next podcast will be about how it affects our current friendships,

How it affects our work connections with leadership responsibilities.

And then the last one is going to be on how our story affects our relationship with our partner.

Thanks for joining us today.

We know that some of this information can be very hard to hear,

Sensitive,

Raw feelings.

Want you to love yourself.

If there were any of those kinds of emotions drawn up when listening,

We're in this together.

Thank you for listening today.

We hope this encourages you in your journey of healing and that you feel loved and cared for.

Reviews

More interesting than i thought or expected. Conversation on this is so important. Thanks!

Wow. This was so enlightening. Thank you for sharing this information with us.

Thank you! 🙏👼🏽👼👼🏻💫💞

Wow... My relationship with my mother has affected my relationships all my life my relationship with my mother has affected my friendships and romantic relationships

Wow! I literally jotted everything she said in my journal!

Very interesting and so true. Hearing it helps immediately to remember, that a persons intention might be different than it feels like
.
Thanks for sharing this! 🙏

Interesting. The subject doesn’t pertain to me much, but I find this talk very soothing in some ways and hope it helps others who are in pain.

TY TY
Those are interesting concepts.

I realize my trauma responses in relationships. However, I have attempted to address them in relationships; many times, I have not been able to get many people to address these issues or to actually be real.

Many times, I have encountered people who would lie to my face & intentionally deceive rather than addressing issues so it doesn't lead to exasperated unnecessary tension. This has been for various types of relationships.

I'm attempting to address my trauma & rewrite my story & evolve & grow. I don't know what procedures to get others to address their issues. Yet, I have come to the conclusion that I will not attempt to pressure anyone to evolve & grow if they are not ready;yet, I will no longer remain codependent & endure toxic behaviors or abusive behaviors because someone may or may not know what they are doing; yet, may or may not desire to change their behaviors.

I have been taught toxic patterns that I must give excuses for people behaviors because they experienced trauma or to be self sacrificing & that I have to continue to endure this just for the sake of keeping relationships. That was very unhealthy for me & my overall health; I remained ill. I endured much trauma;yet, I don't believe that it is healthy for me to project my pain onto others.

Since, I cut those type of people off & focusing on myself, miraculously my health has improved. I'm no longer taking responsibility for others; only for myself & hopefully learn how to rewrite my story; establish & enforce healthy boundaries. I don't desire to place blame on anyone; I just desire to address issues directly & evolve & grow & have healthy, thriving relationships.

Namaste Peace Shalom 💃Tee🐒

Hopeful. Compassionate. Thank you.

Looking forward to getting into the podcasts. 😊

This was very eye opening. Can’t wait to listen to what else is in store!

Well, this was an eye opener. This feels important and needed. I am looking forward to the next podcasts. Thank you for doing this with such compassionate awareness.

Wow!! This was sone good stuff! Thank you!

Gr8 intro - Looking forward to learning more about my story, self love, & easing up on repeating relational trauma.

This was very helpful. I found the music to be odd & a bit unsettling but overall the talk was excellent and very appreciated. 🙏

I felt this but told myself I was okay safe and loved 🙏🏼

WOW..... working thru much of that this past year and really wishing it hadn’t taken me almost 35 plus years to do so! So incredibly vital to have those individual(s) to go to & work thru, feel comfortable and process this with ..... been incredibly blessed with my crew that has gotten me this far🙌, certainly isn’t something to do alone!! THANK YOU .... for this and all you do, great way to start the day👌🏻!!

Thank you for this very informative and helpful podcast.

THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU for my HUGE lightbulb moment!!!! I could never figure out why my relationships never worked out for decades & why I bailed so early when meeting new potential partners... It makes SO MUCH sense now! From the very beginning, being a very empathetic child having demanding, judgmental parents & feeling abandonment/rejection to the severe trauma I encountered married to a narcissistic sociopath. My therapists over the years never gave me the information nor the tools to help change my path to success in love. I’m on my way!!! So very, very grateful!!! I’m devouring the rest of your podcasts immediately!! Thank-you!!!

Very interesting. Thank you. I look forward to the next podcast. 🙏