Forgiving yourself.
We all have done things in our lives we regret and where we experience inner harshness towards ourselves.
Are you willing to explore such an area in your life which you find hard to accept?
This requires some courage.
Perhaps choose something you feel okay to start with.
Later you may feel space to explore something more difficult.
You may have done or said something that hurt somebody or avoided something you should have done.
You may have let down a friend,
Yelled unreasonably at your child,
Forgotten a birthday card,
Neglected your pet or avoided telling the truth to your partner.
You may have been rude or missed a chance to be kind and you may feel shame,
Guilt or remorse when you think of it.
And if you have picked out something start with pausing mindfully and welcoming a soothing breathing rhythm.
And remember you can return to this basic practice again and again.
It may also help to connect with a compassionate companion or with the practice of embodying compassion.
Every time you find yourself slipping back into harsh self-judgment and begin with looking around in this area of harshness,
Curiously exploring it as an inner landscape.
What is there to discover?
How does the body feel?
What's the emotional landscape?
What thoughts,
Images or stories cross your mind?
Look at it without judgment,
Connecting with your intention to alleviate suffering.
And while you explore this area of harshness,
Let a number of questions drop in and see what they touch inside.
Do not force any answers.
Be with the questions and mindfully notice what reactions and responses arise by themselves.
So how did this inner harshness arise and develop?
Do you remember where and when you did what you did?
What happened?
Did you do it on purpose?
Was it a conscious decision or an impulse on spur of a moment?
Were you perhaps in threat or drive mode?
Caught up in a stress reaction or inner pattern?
Did you choose the causes from which this behavior arose?
Did you foresee the consequences of what you did?
Would you do it again with the wisdom you have now?
How many people do you imagine are walking around this globe who have done something similar in their lives?
Is there anything worthwhile you have learned or could learn from it?
And this exercise is not about condoning mistakes or unwise behavior.
It is an invitation to make peace with the vulnerable,
Imperfect person behind this behavior.
Yes,
Yourself.
Like most human beings you are not quite perfect.
Most of us do things we later regret.
Often our wisdom is on vacation.
We may lack clarity,
Feel overburdened or tired.
We may follow emotions blindly and act on instinct or out of fear,
Anger or jealousy.
We forget to pause before we act and do not foresee the consequences of our behavior.
What about acknowledging your imperfections and consider making peace with yourself?
Just taste this word on your tongue forgiveness.
What would it be like to forgive yourself?
You can just try it out and say for instance I understand what I did was causing harm.
I'm willing to learn from this.
I see not forgiving myself is causing further harm.
Therefore I forgive myself.
Can you say this from your heart and receive it?
Mindfully observe what happens.
And there are no wrong experiences here.
Maybe it softens the harshness inside,
Maybe not.
If the words can be received carry on by gently repeating I forgive myself or you're forgiven.
And if you feel resistance forgiveness might not be the connecting word you need to hear just now.
Maybe other words,
Phrases or reflections connect better.
What about forgiveness,
The intention to forgive?
May I be willing to forgive myself sometime ever or I wish myself reconciliation,
Understanding,
Comfort,
Peace or may I learn from my mistakes if somebody else suffered from what you did.
I wish in the we form may connect well,
Where we make peace or may we live in harmony.
The words may be supported by a gentle smile on your face or a hand on your heart and sometimes there are no fitting words.
Then you may wish to practice compassionate breathing which doesn't need words.
Imagine placing the harshness,
The pain or your resistance in front of you,
Breathing it in and allowing it to transform into softening energy which you breathe out.
You can also add in movements of arms and hands,
Bringing it in and letting it out.
And of course if you don't feel much space around the theme you have explored you may forgive yourself for this and appreciate you at least made a start with this difficult work.
And this poem by Machado may be a good way to end.
Last night as I was sleeping I dreamt,
Bless delusion,
There was a beehive in my heart and the golden bees were making white wax and sweet honey from my old bitterness.
