Essential Medicine 8: Self Care

We want to heal others, but this capacity is only sustainable if we know how to care for ourselves. This 8th episode dives deeply into why and how self-care works. Dr. Adam Rizvi (neurointensivist), Dr. Julia Mossbridge (research psychologist and cognitive neuroscientist) host a conversation with Dr. Michael Sapiro (clinical psychologist) about vulnerability, sadness, loving our emotions, and caring for our bodies. Must-listen for healers and social justice workers alike.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

Welcome to essential medicine eight.

We're so excited to have Dr.

Michael Saffiro with us.

I will introduce him in a second,

But first I'll just briefly say I'm Julia Mossbridge.

My doctor name is from a PhD.

I'm not an MD and I study time people's relationship with time and the,

And the spiritual mechanics or the scientific mechanics of unconditional love and artificial intelligence and,

And those sorts of things,

Basically things that interest me and how they relate to healing is a key interest of mine as well.

Adam,

Would you like to introduce yourself,

Dr.

Risby?

Oh,

Well,

I thank you,

Dr.

Mossbridge.

I am a,

I'm a doctor in the sense that I'm a medical professional.

I'm a physician,

Specifically an intensivist,

Specifically a neuro intensivist,

Which is to say I take care of critical illness when it deals with the nervous system and the brain and,

And have also found myself in ongoing deep relationship with death and mortality because of,

Of being in the ICU and recently because of the pandemic and,

And have come across this idea of like,

He seeing healing from a new perspective.

And I think that was the genesis of,

Of all of these conversations,

Julia.

Yeah.

And I think it was,

I think we just wanted to talk with each other about that.

And it's kind of evolved into this thing where we continue to talk with each other about that.

So it's and we have guests sometimes,

And it's delightful to have a guest tonight or,

Or right now,

I guess I should say,

Because who knows when people are listening to this.

So Dr.

Sapiro,

Mike,

You want to introduce yourself?

Sure.

I'm a doctor of clinical psychology.

And in my work,

I integrate Western psychological principles of the mind,

As well as a lot of Eastern spiritual practices from the non dual tradition in India,

As well as the Buddhist tradition out of Thailand,

Where I did most of my training.

I also integrate noetic sciences,

The science of extraordinary capabilities and consciousness and consciousness shifts.

And the last piece I integrate is social justice,

Because I found the more we awaken spiritually,

The more we see clearly we're responsible for everybody's well being and we all must work together to ensure that everyone is taken care of and intended.

So all of my work is really dedicated to personal awakening for the sake of planetary and human evolution and transformation.

Very cool.

And it's interesting that you said that we all have the responsibility for each other's healings because today's episode we were thinking might have something to do with self care.

And that and that feeling of responsibility that you just talked about weighs on all of our shoulders at the same time.

And it can cause burnout.

It can cause this experience of I'm responsible for everyone's healing,

But I forgot myself.

And so anyway,

I think it's I think that's a really critical piece.

I think people in the social justice movement are facing this.

I think people not in the social justice movement are facing this.

I think everyone because of the COVID epidemic,

Academic,

Not academic,

Is facing this question of how do I take care of myself and do right by the world or the rest of the world.

So I think it's huge.

Yeah.

Mike,

I'm curious.

There's there's so well,

OK,

We could definitely go down self-care.

I definitely want to do that.

One question that I had for you,

Mike,

Was what do you make sure you absolutely do to care for yourself on a practical level?

I think I'd be curious to hear that from you,

Julia,

To like what what is the thing that you cannot miss?

And I'd certainly like to share that.

And then the second question,

Which maybe you can hold in the back of your mind at some point is I would love to hear how you incorporate your your non-dual perspective when you heal with your when you heal your clients or you work with your clients,

Because that is a fascinating topic that at some point I'd love to dive into.

OK,

Cool.

So the first question you asked is,

What do I do that is absolutely necessary for me?

That's exercise.

Exercise is the most essential piece in my self-care.

That being said,

I do start my day with meditation before I even get out of the bed.

I put on the timer so that I set my intentions for the day and monitor my mental and emotional states first.

But then I go right to exercise.

So moving my body,

Tending to my body,

Strengthening it,

Grounding it.

And that can be dancing,

Weights,

Running,

Bike riding,

Rock climbing.

I found my body is the most precious resource I have in this life.

So I take a lot of care of it.

Cool.

All right,

I'm going to answer the same question,

Adam.

Brilliant question to ask,

Since we're talking about self-care,

We should probably answer this for ourselves.

I have a panoply of self-care tasks.

It's like I have my morning pages book from the Artist's Way series.

So every morning I write down my dreams and I write down my thoughts for the day and my intention for the day.

I have a book next to my bed of mystical poetry and I read a section from it every morning and night.

I have an intention book that I open every morning and night and look through and decide what category my intention of the day belongs to.

And I write down gratitude things periodically in that book.

And then I have my Kabbalah deck cards where I pick two cards that will inform me about the day,

Just like that I can learn more.

What could I learn more about today?

That's before I get out of bed.

Then I get out of bed and I got.

.

.

In addition to breakfast,

I've got Qigong that I do.

And that takes only five minutes.

All this stuff together only takes 20 minutes.

It sounds like a lot.

It's not a lot.

It's really beneficial to me.

So then I do my Qigong and then I hop on my treadmill and I do two miles very fast.

So I sweat.

So it's like a mini workout.

It only takes about half an hour to walk at a fast pace and get at work up a sweat.

More like 20 minutes.

It doesn't take long.

And then I go shower off,

Change,

Do my day.

And then later in the day is my real workout.

So I work out for about an hour.

But during the day,

I also,

When I have meetings,

I walk on my treadmill.

I like to move a lot.

It's really important for me not to be sitting still.

So I like to move a lot.

By the time I go to bed,

I'm ready for my nighttime reverse ritual where I do all the morning things kind of in reverse.

And then I have my next day.

And then the other thing is every Saturday from Friday night to Saturday night,

I'm Jewish.

And I try to have a low technology period where I'm not tuning into my technological devices to work.

So it's like a Shabbat Sabbath period.

And I still sometimes do.

I don't make it a strict rule,

But it just sort of is like a feeling.

It gives me a different feeling for that period of time,

Which is rejuvenating.

And I make sure to take a nap on that day too.

Wow.

Julia,

Thank you.

That's amazing.

One of the things that I,

First of all,

I hope everyone listening is actually taking notes.

I was actually taking some notes because there's some gold here.

One of the things I noticed right off the bat is both of you have intention set.

And I find that interesting because that's,

That's one of the first things that I have created for myself too.

And that's,

It's definitely something worth contemplating about because it's immediately for me,

It means that we go from being reactive,

Which I think a lot of people live inside of reactivity to being creative or being at cause for their life.

And that's because they set the intention and then they go about their lives for,

For me there was a,

There was a time in my life many years ago where I would,

I would recite the prayer of St.

Francis,

You know,

The very common one,

Lord,

Make me an instrument of thy peace.

And,

And,

And that was one that I used off.

And I use another one now which is something very similar,

But essentially it's,

It's an idea of,

Of,

Of,

Of prayer to,

To,

To the,

To God,

To source stating that I'm here only to be truly helpful,

But I'm here to,

To,

To be a vessel for,

For his,

His his power,

His light her power,

Her light it's and all of the above.

The other thing that,

That is important for me is,

Is stillness.

And it's not just physically being still,

But it's,

It's all the stillness in here and in here,

Like everything settles down.

And when,

When I come from this place of,

Of void of really potentiality,

It's sort of an acknowledgement of,

Of my essence and getting to the core of who I really am,

Which is not Adam,

It's not the personality,

It's not the story,

It's not all the memories.

It's not,

You know,

The dreams I might've had the night before,

But really getting to,

To that part of myself.

And then I usually take a deep breath and I slow down and then I,

I just go to that place where it's just quite,

And there's nothing there.

And when I find I go there,

It's like a brief reminder on a physiological level that don't get caught up in all of this.

It is a play.

It's it's a,

It's a great play and it's amazing.

And,

And play your part,

You know,

Like be the,

Be the great actor that you are,

But,

But realize that that's not,

That's,

That's not you,

You are something that is much more vast than,

Than this,

Than this body that's playing its game.

Well,

That's super interesting from the perspective of self care,

Adam,

Because when you're,

When we're talking about self care,

That self,

The true self,

The big self,

The observer self,

Doesn't need any care.

I mean,

In my opinion,

It needs no care.

What,

What,

What is constantly needing care is this,

This very transient self,

This very fragile self.

I don't know.

What do you think about that?

I should say also briefly,

I make sure I sleep a lot.

Seven hours,

Eight hours,

At least I feel like the beginning of the day starts the night before on a practical level,

But yes,

That's a great point,

Julia,

A really great point.

Yeah.

There's a lot I could say about that,

But I actually want to hear what Mike has to say.

Sure.

So I agree that our essence is whole and unbroken and radiant and effervescent and comes from what some traditions called the fertile void,

This void that is full of potential.

And at the same time,

We have a concrete body,

A body that is matter,

It's dense,

It's breaking down,

It's in the process of decay.

And we have options,

How we take care of the body mind complex.

We can do activities that lessen inflammation,

Increase cell health.

We have activities.

We do that increases cortisol and adrenaline response and stress and increase the chance of diabetes stroke.

So it's not like it's completely up to us what happens to our body over time,

But we do have a say in what we can do to mitigate the way it decays over time.

And actually the more we love our body,

The more we love ourselves,

The more we cannot help but love our body and our mind and our emotion because it's what houses consciousness.

So I'm really interested in helping people have a very loving,

Tender and empowering relationship to the body mind complex,

Because this is where we live during this lifetime.

So the self care we're talking about for me comes one from actually loving this organism that we're in the body brain mind complex.

But two,

It's actually really caring for it at the same time,

Treating it well with movement and breath and luxurious creams,

That doesn't mean rich creams,

But just actually putting cream and lotion on your body in a way that's tender signals to yourself that you love yourself.

And that actually has a really profound effect on our health outcomes.

So I'm really interested in helping people care for this thing that houses us.

I love what you just said,

Mike,

Which is it's not necessarily what you do,

It's how you do it,

Which is the cream.

Great point.

You know,

Definitely as someone who occasionally has dry skin,

I appreciate that comment.

But I just had this image as you were describing these things that one can do of putting cream on my face lovingly.

I imagine myself like combing my hair with compassion and kindness,

Brushing my teeth with like a gentleness and a caring for this body.

And I realized,

Wow,

How transformative that would be to really go about all one's self care rituals.

But with that mindset.

Yeah,

Sorry,

Go ahead.

Just to follow up on that,

Thanks,

Julia,

Is,

You know,

I've worked with combat vets from Vietnam and these are guys who are really tough.

They've seen terrible things.

They participated in the worst of the worst of war.

And 40 some years later,

I get to work with them and I'm suggesting they take time in the shower to like slow down and just really be with themselves and not not rush and not just like grumpily,

Like rub the soap on them and get out of the shower and be grumpy after the shower.

It's like,

Hold on.

Like you,

You want healing and you want to feel whole again,

You want to recognize your wholeness or return to it,

Then it really takes actual conscious awareness of how you're treating yourself in a really practical way from day to day.

And so I'm asking them to actually like be kind to themselves even while they're showering,

Because then it becomes a ritual that will change the rest of their day.

I had a flashback while you were talking,

Mike,

About the that's what I that's why I was all excited to talk because I just but I'm glad that you said that because that even keyed more into my flashback.

So last night,

So I went I like to I like to do archery,

But I'm not good at it.

So I took an archery lesson on Fridays a couple days ago.

And the bow smack you see,

I don't know,

I'm showing them my bruise of where the boat Yeah,

It's kind of big,

And it's swollen.

And the bow kept smacking it because my elbows got in the way.

And I came home and my husband saw it.

And he said,

Al,

Let me put some cream on that.

And I was like,

No,

No,

I'll put cream on that.

And he said,

No,

Would you let me put some cream on that?

And I was like,

Maybe.

And then finally,

I said,

Okay,

When he asked me a third time,

When he put the cream on it,

He was so tender,

So much more tender than I would have been,

I would have just been blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Just smashed it on there,

And ignored the pain that that would cause from just treating myself roughly,

Because Oh,

Well,

I can get over it and it'll heal.

And but when he did it,

He did it so tenderly,

I almost wanted to cry because I could feel the pain.

And I'm like,

That's so tender,

But I can actually feel the pain.

And that's pain.

I know I wouldn't have felt if I did it myself in my rough way.

So I feel like what you're saying,

Mike gets to especially that story about the shower,

Gets to this thing about how when people treat themselves or allow themselves to be treated tenderly,

Like the risk is,

You feel this pain,

Like you can actually feel the pain,

Ironically,

That you wouldn't have felt if you treated yourself roughly.

So there's a risk there.

It's vulnerability.

And that's a huge risk we all take because most of us are spending the time not being vulnerable.

We're numbing or building walls.

We don't want to feel the pain of existence that is in our bodies,

In our hearts,

In our minds just from living.

And so yes,

Actually self-care makes us very vulnerable.

And that's the way that we start actually finding the love we've been seeking the whole time.

Vulnerability is the channel between presence and source and ourselves.

Can you say that again?

Say it again.

That needs to be said like five times.

Can you say it again?

I believe that vulnerability for me is the channel through which source comes and provides the love that we've been seeking our whole life.

There's a Rumi quote on this and I don't even,

I can't remember it,

But there's something about allowing that wound to open up and by doing so momentary,

We allow the light of source to come through and move through it.

There's something,

Julia,

You're so good.

You're immediately going to look for it.

Yeah,

There's something really special about that because we do live our lives in defense unconsciously.

We're fighting against the appearance of a scary world,

A world that we need to defend against and protect ourselves against.

There's some of that,

Some of that like ignoring of ourselves and numbing ourselves is also a defensive action.

I can think of several friends of mine from conversations I've had over the years of pushing oneself,

Go faster,

Be more productive.

Those seemingly innocuous pep talks can sometimes carry within them the seeds of this defensive suppressive energy.

I'm not going to hear my body out right now.

I'm going to hold it.

I'm going to keep going because I'm going to go get it,

Right?

Like whatever it is in your life.

But if we do stop and listen,

And one of the things that I used to say to my patients when I had a clinic was what if your body was actually a separate person in your living room,

A guest,

If you will,

And you welcomed them in.

How are you treating your guests?

Are you literally ignoring them and not talking to them,

Even though they're asking you for water or for food or snacks?

Or are you saying,

It's so lovely to have you here.

Have a seat.

What would you like?

Would you like some tea or water?

Like how are you treating your guests?

Right?

I think that's an interesting way to conceptualize our relationship with our body.

An honored guest.

Yeah.

I found a Rumi poem that maybe this.

Can I read it?

Okay.

Huddled beneath the sky.

The sadness I have caused any face by letting a stray word strike it.

Any pain I have caused you.

What can I do to make us even?

Demand a hundred fold of me and I'll pay it.

During the day,

I hold my feet accountable to watch out for wondrous insects and their friends.

Why would I want to bring horror into their extraordinary world?

Like fields draw us to light.

They move our limbs and thoughts,

But it is still dark.

If our hearts do not hold a lantern,

We will stumble.

We will stumble over each other huddled beneath the sky as we are.

So if our hearts do not hold a lantern to me is about if we do not allow the vulnerability.

I've found also the one with the direct quote.

Can I read that too then?

We might as well,

Huh?

I said,

What about my eyes?

And he said,

Keep them on the road.

I said,

What about my passion?

He said,

Keep it burning.

I said,

What about my heart?

He said,

Tell me what you hold inside it.

Pain and sorrow,

I said.

He said,

Stay with it.

The wound is the place where the light enters you.

That's the Leonard Cohen song,

Right?

You remember that song Anthem?

No.

Okay.

So the line is,

Ring the bell that still can ring.

Forget your perfect offering for there's a crack in everything.

That's how the light gets in.

Oh,

Wow.

This is great.

This theme has popped up independently.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's have you both heard of this Japanese there's it's like you where they have a broken piece of pottery.

I know there's a term for this,

But I think,

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you could look that up,

Mike,

Just to confirm,

But the idea is like,

You take this thing that,

That appears broken,

Right.

And then you bring it together with gold.

I think it's melted gold or gold leaf or something to that effect.

But then when it's done,

It's put together and the original crack,

The original brokenness is what makes it so beautiful.

And I love the fact that it's actually gold is what is used to mend the pieces together.

It's like a,

An acknowledgement of this,

This broken piece is worthy of gold and,

And we will bring it together with that.

That's beautiful.

It's called Kintsugi.

K I N T S U G I.

Thank you.

Yep.

I use that metaphor often and actually have a picture of it on my phone to show patients when we're talking about how important their pain actually is for their transformation.

Do you find that Mike when you're working with patients and so let's say you show them this,

Do you find what's your understanding of the cognitive,

Their cognitive understanding of this concept versus the felt?

Is there a different timetable for the cognitive?

Like I understand what you mean.

And then the felt integration of it,

Or do you feel like they go together?

What's your sense?

I think they're vastly different actually.

I really try to spend less time in the cognitive realm and more in the somatic and emotional realm and also in pure awareness.

I am known to interrupt and often cut people off in the middle of their narratives.

Cause I'm like,

Look,

You've said this narrative so many times,

Like,

Please,

I don't need to hear it.

You don't need to hear it.

How many more times you got to tell the same story to yourself?

So when I share this,

Their mind is like,

Oh,

Maybe I see.

And the mind doesn't really quite capture how important pain and sadness is because the mind is doing what it can to,

To actually cut it off.

So they let's just problem solve.

And I'm like,

Actually your mind tends to be the problem.

The problem solving is sitting in it and looking at it,

Being with it.

And what I show them that the emotional body is a lot more raw and vulnerable because they long so much to feel patched back together.

And if they can see an image of what they can look like that you still going to have wounds and scars.

It's not about a perfect picture.

It's about how do you patch yourself or fill those cracks in and you can do it with gold because you're worth it.

Then it hits them in their heart.

And I think there's usually a sadness that comes because that's what they're longing for to feel,

To really feel whole because most of us perceive brokenness.

The sadness is from where?

The sadness is from where?

Most of the time sadness is from a long life of not feeling like they belong somewhere to themselves.

There's lots of sadness that having been hurt by people who truly supposed to love and care for them.

And I think I find most people truly sad really about grief and loss about what they had hoped would be there in their life.

And it really is not there.

So then we start moving inwardly and tending to ourselves in ways we wish others had done that for us.

I think sadness is one of the most beautiful emotions we have and one of the most important tools for healing.

Well,

Okay.

So let's go back to self care then that makes me want to ask how do each of us deal with our sadness?

How do we deal with our sadness?

I'll go ahead and answer that for myself so that I can start the vulnerability train.

But it's a vulnerable question,

Especially for people who are sort of,

All three of us are sort of public people.

Like we do work in public about trying to heal and help people and support change in the world,

Facilitate change.

And yet we're all willing to be vulnerable,

But we are public.

So I think especially in this culture where there's some kind of either spoken or unspoken opinion that if you're doing things right,

You won't ever be sad.

I think it's important to talk about how we deal with sadness because it's just not the case that if you're doing things right,

You won't be sad.

Being sad is really,

Really part of life.

And so the way I have dealt with sadness is sometimes I'll push it away.

Just say like,

Look,

I can't deal with it today.

I've got all these things to do.

Like I know something's there and I just can't deal with it.

But what happens is I become less vibrant.

I feel less alive.

I feel less connected in my relationship,

Especially with my husband.

I feel less connected with my friends.

And I start to notice I'm not okay.

Like that usually before they notice,

But not always,

Sometimes it takes them to notice like what's up with you.

Why are you withdrawn?

What's going on?

And sometimes my first reaction is defensive.

Like I'm fine.

And then if they leave me alone a little bit,

I'm capable of if they don't nag at me,

You know,

If they don't pick at me,

But if they leave me alone,

I'm often capable of going,

Okay,

There is something up.

And what always works for me is being with my sadness,

Which is not the same as rumination,

You know,

Thinking of the same thing over,

Oh,

Everything's horrible because this,

Oh,

Everything's horrible because of that same thing.

It's just being with my sadness.

Like it's a creature.

Like you would be with a,

An animal,

You know,

That can't talk to you,

But is coming up and brushing against your leg,

Maybe.

So in a very nonverbal connection based level,

That's what works in terms of feeling it.

And then it,

The funny thing is often right before that happens,

I'll get afraid to do that.

Cause I'll think,

Well,

If I do that,

It'll just be there forever.

And then I just let myself do that anyway.

And of course the amazing thing is it's not there forever.

It's like a little animal that comes up and brushing against your leg and you pay attention to it and then eventually it goes away after it's got its attention.

So that's my experience.

And I'm curious about how you all do it.

Thanks Julia.

There's a,

There's always so many things that come into,

Into my space.

When you share one of the things that before I go into how I deal with that emotion,

One of the things I wanted to share is something that I've noticed over the past 20 plus years in my life is this idea that my emotional and psychological world is almost like a,

An ocean.

And in the past,

Before it would get my attention,

There would need to be big waves.

And then I would be like,

Oh,

Something's going on there.

And then I,

It would catch my attention.

And then it got to the point where,

Um,

It was relatively calm.

And then like the,

The ripples on the surface would catch my attention because I'm more used to the,

The,

The calm commotion or the calm Lake or whatever.

Um,

Now I feel like,

And this is partly with the help of meditation and learning to,

To listen within it's almost like I can put my hand deep into the water and,

And even though the surface is totally still,

I can feel currents.

I can feel something moving down there.

And it doesn't need to become full blown depression.

I,

There were bouts of depression when I was much younger,

But now it's like a seed of that or the,

Or like the pre germination level of,

Of,

Of sadness.

And I'll notice it's there and it doesn't take a big explosion or a big way for me to stop and look at it and saying,

All right,

What are you,

What,

Who are you?

And what are you trying to say?

And what's going on?

In terms of how I deal with it.

Um,

I stumbled upon this as a sort of self experiment.

I'm very visual with my emotional world.

And it was in my teenage years when things were particularly tumultuous emotionally,

As I'm sure they are for all of us that I came up with this mental imagery in,

From a house that I used to live in in California.

I imagined my emotions as,

As kids like homeless kids,

And it's raining outside coming to my front door,

Knocking,

And I opened the door and then I would first acknowledge how I have been treating them.

And for me,

That was important.

I'm like,

Okay,

I've been feeling this emotion.

And what I've been doing is shutting the door in their face.

And I really imagined myself doing that because I,

I want to acknowledge this is what you've been doing,

Adam.

And then I acknowledge that I'm like,

Okay,

I'm going to respond differently.

Now I opened the door and I welcomed them in.

And then I noticed little things like,

Ah,

They're going to get the rug dirty,

That it's going to be wet and,

And they,

They don't really look good,

You know,

But like all,

All those sorts of things,

Which is the judgments of the emotion.

Right.

And I,

I allow myself to get to the point where I can truly feel comfortable having them sit and do whatever they want and really creating a space of welcoming.

And what I notice over time is as if I don't get to the point where I'm doing this in order to get rid of them,

Right.

Cause then that's like,

That's also a form of pushing them away.

Usually I get to the place where they are so welcomed in the space of,

Of my being,

If I get to that place.

And sometimes that takes a lot of time.

I find that the,

The,

The raw energy of sadness in that particular case will stay there,

But it will transform.

I will notice something else that,

That it gives rise to.

It's not like it went away.

It's just,

It's shifted.

Right.

And there's like this opening.

And one call quality that I've always noticed in myself when I have been able to get the place of full acceptance is spaciousness.

I find myself exceptionally spacious when I have been fully welcoming of any,

Any strong emotion and sadness is,

Is one of them.

That's how I do it.

Hmm.

That's for,

Thanks for sharing Adam.

That's beautiful.

I love the metaphor and visuals you've created.

Yeah.

It's messy to let these emotions in.

It can be very messy.

And speaking of sadness,

Since we'll just stick on that,

A lot of us,

Myself included end up feeling angry.

Actually,

Anger is the outward emotion.

And when I slow down and really check in,

I go,

Oh,

I'm hurt.

Oh,

There's,

There's actual sadness underneath that.

So anger is a good clue for me that something obviously is off.

But when I really slow down and not react and not react to the anger or irritability,

Sometimes anger is just anger,

Irritability is irritability,

But it can generally point to something within us that is there's a misalignment and there's usually some hurt.

And so that's a good tracking device for me,

Cause I don't want to be angry and react angrily.

It just doesn't feel good.

And it's certainly not skillful.

So sadness,

It's actually tricky.

I've been thinking about it.

I'm listening to y'all,

But I've been having this kind of inner realization that sadness is its own thing,

But it can lead to despair.

And sometimes I will go from like just feeling sad to really going toward despair and then existential kind of despair.

And that's really a slippery slope for me.

So what I'm trying to do is just stay in sadness.

Like,

Okay,

This really sucks.

I wish it was different.

And I'll explain how I deal with sadness in a moment.

But what I'm noticing in my life is that I was trained or I was conditioned to have really big emotions.

I come from a Jewish family,

A traumatized Jewish family,

Meaning they were in the war and World War II and came over,

Really escaped Hungary and came over and their emotions are huge.

So I grew up in a family where it was just the whole house was filled with them.

So somehow we're hyperbolic and exaggerative of some things that don't even have to be that big.

So for me,

Sadness can be a beautiful thing.

But because of my habituation and conditioning,

It tends to be really big and dynamic and it can suck me down.

So that's not sadness.

That's something different.

So for many of us,

We're scared that sadness will lead to that despair and we'll never get out.

And I got to say,

I understand that because that does suck me down there.

But what I do for sadness,

Well,

I really welcome it and allow it.

And I usually do a compassion practice.

So my hand is on my chest.

I settle into my body and I feel the sadness in the body.

It's usually warmth.

It's kind of constricted,

But not like anger tight.

And then I just talk to myself like,

I'm really sorry,

Mike.

I know this is hard.

I know you're sad.

I know this is.

.

.

And my voice changes.

I become a really caring father figure or caring tender person.

So I'll put my hand on my chest.

I'll breathe.

And we can do that right now.

Everybody listening because we all have something,

No matter where we're at in our life,

That we can be tender and we can nurture ourselves.

So just for a moment,

We can just put our hand on our chest,

Breathe in to the chest,

To the hand,

Exhale.

And think of something you're dealing with right now that brings up sadness.

It could be a loss,

A disappointment,

And you'll feel it.

You'll pretty much feel it right away in the body.

It's like in the throat.

And tell yourself,

I know that makes you sad.

I know that hurts.

Or use whatever words are right for you.

And even it helps to say your name.

So I'll say,

Mike,

I know you're sad.

I'm so sorry.

That's tough.

And just feel it in the body and let your hand,

The warmth of the hand,

Soothe you.

And let yourself know I'm here for you.

I'm right here.

Sometimes I say,

I'm so sorry,

Mikey.

I know this is hard.

I love you and I'm right here for you.

So try that out.

Go ahead and rub your chest just a little bit.

Let yourself know you're here.

Thank yourself.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks for being here.

Breathe in.

And exhale.

So I'm not sure what you all felt,

But I truly felt a sense of care and tenderness for myself.

I'm curious what you two experienced.

Thank you so much,

Mike.

I'm so glad you did that.

I'm so glad you did that.

Yeah,

There's such a tenderness right now in the span of,

That felt like just a few minutes,

But it really absolutely shifted something in this conversation,

But also in me.

I also really appreciated how I was able to go from whatever emotion of sadness was there.

It's interesting.

I didn't have a particular thing I was sad about,

But I kind of went deep inside and felt that energy,

That emotion and being able to tell myself that I love myself,

That it's okay and I understand that sort of relationship that I stepped into.

I found that I could be loving and have the energy of sadness and be aware of it.

It's almost like I could hold all of that,

Which was lovely.

Yeah,

I too felt like it was a really beautiful shift.

Thanks Mike.

And I hope you don't mind.

We're talking about self-care and then you do this thing that basically you're taking care of us.

I hope it felt like you were also taking care of yourself.

Good.

The biggest thing I noticed is when you said,

Think of something you're sad about.

The first thing that came to mind was something that happened yesterday that I had no idea I was sad about.

And my first response to it before you said,

Feel it in your body was,

Well,

That's ridiculous.

I can't be sad about that.

And then,

And then when you said,

Feel it in your body,

I thought,

Well,

I could definitely feel it in my body.

So I'm definitely sad about that.

So I just let myself with the body focus instead of the mind focus,

Feel what it was like to say,

You know what,

There's no rules about what I get to be sad about that there's no rules here.

And I am sad about this.

And so feel that and comfort yourself for that.

And it's okay.

You get to have comfort,

Even if the judgmental part of you would like to say that you don't get to have comfort.

That's actually not true.

That judgmental part is also just sad.

So I got to then comfort the gentle,

The judgmental part of myself.

So it was like a double bonus round.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And Adam,

What you had talked about is actually a part of the non-dual practice of holding both simultaneously.

There is never a time where all things don't exist at the same time.

And so what we want to do is expand our sense of self beyond one singular experience to,

I am aware of the thing.

I love the thing.

And the thing is still there at the same time.

So it's not an either or,

I'm either in love and in tender or I'm sad.

It's simultaneously occurring and it's actually always going on.

We don't have the energy of sadness at any one given time,

But it exists.

And so does awareness.

So my teaching and my practice brings us,

Love is the bridge from source again to our physical reality.

And so what we're doing is we're bridging this self-love is bridging source energy into our body.

And also I like what I say are sensations are the language of emotion.

And so we want to really train ourselves to be aware of the sensations in our body because that's what speaking our sensations are the language of emotion.

And so each emotion has its own vibration and frequency.

It has a vibratory frequency.

And that's how as a clinician,

Actually healer,

I can pick up other people's emotions because they vibrate at a frequency that I'm like,

Oh,

I know what they're feeling,

Even though they might not know what they're feeling.

I feel it in my own body.

So I want our listeners to be starting to think about,

I want to encourage everyone to think about learning the language of emotions so that we can start really working with them as they arise.

Those vibrations remind me of what Adam said about the ocean,

Feeling the different waves and putting his hand down and being like,

Oh,

There's some sadness,

But that wave pieces is related.

Yeah.

I feel like a lot of people who haven't really dived yet into themselves,

Wait for a tsunami to occur,

Right?

They wait for the devastation and the trauma,

And then it usually takes that.

And actually that's a really common entry point to the spiritual path is devastation and trauma and huge loss.

But that's sort of the effects of the tsunami,

Right?

It need not get there.

And eventually it gets to the point where you don't need terrible things to happen in your life to recognize there's something inside of you.

That's wishing to be heard and you can just hear it and love it and,

And welcome it.

And it doesn't need to scream that this is another thing that I've noticed with the relationship.

It's interesting that we're talking about the body,

But the relationship with the body is I feel like my body and I are always in a dialogue.

I didn't always know this.

I used to think that the body talks to me on occasion.

And little later on,

I realized,

Nope,

It's always talking.

And we're always in dialogue.

The question is,

Is it one-sided and I'm just choosing not to respond.

And am I waiting till it is screaming for me to pay attention?

Right?

Am I literally shutting out,

Sticking my fingers in my ears?

Or am I now going back to this analogy of,

Of the welcomed honored guest?

Am I willing to not have it scream at me to get my attention?

But you really stop and pay attention to it on a day-to-day basis,

Feeling,

Feeling with the sensations that arise.

Well,

I don't,

I don't believe we can talk about self-care without having a very strong relationship with the body.

So when I teach self-care to institutes or organizations,

They,

I think they think I'm coming in and I'm going to talk about yoga and meditation and like,

And going to drink really good herbal teas.

I'm like,

Those are all strategies.

Those are strategies you employ when your value of health is,

Is foremost in your attention or your value of,

Of caring for yourself.

We're all so many of us overwork and we take on everyone else's responsibilities,

Like we said at the very beginning,

And that's where we start burning out.

So if we want to talk about self-care,

It has to be a fundamental shift in your value of the importance of the relating to your body,

Because that's where we're housed.

And so most of my teaching and training on self-care is creating a relationship to the body,

But that also means the signatures of emotions and being okay with emotions.

That means understanding how mental states impact emotions in the body.

I can do something very quick to demonstrate that if you put a thought of don't,

Not the worst in the world,

But put someone who you've had an argument with just recently in your head and feel your body's response.

Think about arguing with a person.

All right.

Your body immediately says something,

And now bring up something in your mind that elicits joy,

Just joy.

Think of something and feel your body's response.

I mean,

It's immediate.

The picture of the person arguing,

We get tense,

Tight.

We close our shoulders,

Might even round.

When I bring up my dog's face,

My body lights up literally in happiness.

So it's almost that simple,

But it's not easy.

It's not easy to change our relationship and our awareness to our body,

Which has all these signatures about what's going on in our mind,

In our emotional life,

And in our,

Even our spirit world too.

I agree.

It's that simple,

But it's not easy.

So what would you say to people who are just starting to hear their bodies,

Just starting to participate in self-care?

How do you practice this when it's something that's so easy to shut out or forget to do?

How do you bridge that gap?

Do you know?

Start off with your most heartfelt desire for your wellbeing.

What does your heart want most for you?

Right now,

Not any other time in your life right now.

And I always start off my,

All of my trainings asking every participant,

What do you want most in your life?

And they write joy,

Wellbeing,

Peace,

Ease,

Connection,

Belonging.

That's the first thing I ask in any training I do,

Because that sets up,

It primes them to go,

I'm going to pay attention to this hour because there might be something in this hour that will lead me to joy,

Connectedness,

Wellbeing,

Peace,

And ease.

So anyone listening,

Ask yourself right now,

And if that truly is your deepest heartfelt desire for yourself,

What wouldn't you do for yourself to get that?

And now you can set an intention of maybe I'll go to therapy.

Maybe I'll seek a teacher.

Maybe I'll start a somatic body practice where I'm getting in touch with myself.

There's so many ways,

But it has to do with realigning your fundamental value towards your wellbeing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't know what to say at this point,

Mike,

But I feel like I want to,

Well,

Two things.

I want to sit with you at one of your programs and experience that,

But also I want to sit with myself now.

I feel really compelled,

Inspired after this conversation to like,

I have this strong feeling right now,

Just sitting still and lovingly being with my body.

That's beautiful.

Me too.

I made a secret plan,

Which is no longer a secret because I'm about to tell you that after this call,

I'm going to go get some hand cream and rub my feet for like set a timer for five minutes so that I don't just go,

Well,

I'm done.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

I'm going to go play with my dog in my backyard and just sit with some flowers and watch him play.

Um,

Uh,

There's,

There's something to be said about doing less in a world where we do so,

So much,

Uh,

Just being,

Just being still or just being period.

It is very,

Very refreshing.

Yeah.

Well,

Thank you,

Mike,

For being here.

What a wonderful conversation.

I'm so grateful.

I'm so glad it worked out for today.

Yeah,

Me too.

I really love being with both of you.

I always feel inspired by what you're doing and really grateful to be on this platform with you and to share,

Uh,

What,

What I,

What I love about the work we do with all of our,

All your listeners.

So thank you both.

Thank you,

Mike.

You guys take care.

Take care.

Reviews

That was so inspiring, powerful and timely for me. Thank you ❤️ 🙏

Brilliant, every single idea here is gold! Thank you 🙏

Beautifully done! A rich and meaningful discussion. Worth repeated listenings. Deep bows. 💕🙏