Winning & Influencing Mindfully

I have no idea how many times I say something, or write an email, or post, with irritation on my mind. Or hit the numbers for Verizon, with exasperation. I do know that when I do, the result is often not great.

When I remember to be mindful - to consider my timing, be honest, and be kind no matter what (and no matter who) –the result is decent. The other person seems more interested and relaxed. And I feel ok, even when I don’t get what I want.  

Timing, honesty, and kindness: I’m loving this recipe because it feels like a win. And seems to influence everyone’s experience for the better.
Maybe you’re already using it. Awesome. If not, check it out. If it works, pass it on.

Transcript

Hello everyone,

Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 454.

We are making our way along the Eightfold Path,

Which is the path to the end of suffering or to waking up.

We've explored wise view and we've explored wise intention.

And today I want to talk about wise communication,

Which is the first of the three middle steps on the path,

And the other two are wise action and wise livelihood.

And these three steps taken together are often referred to as the ethical elements of the path.

100% and these three path elements are a little bit different than the way we tend to think about ethics in the law.

In the law,

Or at least in my experience,

When I'm talking about ethics,

I'm talking about rules and it's the question for me is,

What am I allowed to do?

What am I not allowed to do?

What happens if I blow it and do something I'm not allowed to do?

When should I gently tell a colleague or call out a colleague for doing something they're not allowed to do?

Wise communication,

Wise action,

Wise livelihood aren't quite like that.

They're not,

They're not rules.

They have guidelines.

And I'm going to give you the guidelines for wise communication in a minute.

But they're really just that,

They're guidelines.

And the invitation is to relate to them not as a set of rules to be followed,

But rather as aspirations.

So of course it's great when we can feel completely aligned with the guidelines,

But in mindfulness,

You know,

In our practice,

There's an understanding that we probably can't be completely aligned all the time until we're fully awake,

That invariably we'll say or do unwise things on occasion,

That it's inevitable that we'll,

We'll make unwise choices about how we conduct ourselves,

How we make a living.

And that what's most important is that we use our mindfulness practice in two ways.

First courageously,

In order to notice when this happens and course correct rather than,

You know,

Turning away,

Denying,

Getting defensive.

And also with compassion,

You know,

Noticing,

I have to notice when I've said or done something unwise,

I have to notice the impact it has on the person who's just received it and on my own heart and mind.

And then,

And then I need to also care about the people who are impacted and care about myself for,

For how it feels to cause harm and to experience its reverberations.

So the guidelines for wise communication derived from the ancient teachings and in part from a teaching that includes a simile called the simile of the sun.

And the teaching says in part,

There are five ways another may address you timely or untimely,

Excuse me,

Timely or untimely,

Truth,

True or false,

Affectionate or harsh,

Beneficial or unbeneficial,

And with a mind of goodwill or with inner hate.

In any event,

In any event,

You should train yourselves to be unaffected and to say no evil words and to remain sympathetic to that person's welfare with a mind of goodwill and with no inner hate.

Okay,

So the invitation is a pretty big one.

It's to use the five possible guidelines,

Good timing,

Truthfulness,

Affection,

Benefit,

And a mind of goodwill,

Even when others don't.

So I'll say more about others in a minute,

But let's first look at those five.

So good timing to me,

It means just,

You know,

Think about whether it's the right moment to speak or to write or to post.

And I really love that acronym WAIT.

Why am I talking?

As a reminder,

I use it all the time.

Is it important for me to say this thing right now?

Can whoever I'm communicating with take in what I'm about to say right now or to share?

Or is there a better moment?

Simple.

Maybe not always easy to do because I feel like I want to say this,

But pretty simple as a guideline.

Truthfulness is,

I think,

Tricky in the law.

How do I conduct a settlement negotiation knowing my client will take less than what I'm demanding?

And still truthfully say,

You know,

This is our bottom line.

In a way,

I guess we kind of have a structural issue with truth in the law.

So what about just honesty?

I can always say I can't say more.

You know,

If I can't share the whole truth and nothing but the truth,

Can I be honest about that?

And if so,

I think I can begin to have a reasonable expectation that others will be honest,

Too.

And you know,

Maybe that's enough.

You know,

It might even be it might even be progress.

Affection I would translate as kindness,

Friendliness,

Meta,

Right?

When I'm communicating in any way,

I can see the positive effects of kindness and friendliness pretty much right away.

Whenever I remember to take a moment and call them to mind.

You know,

They make a huge difference in my effectiveness and my ability to be persuasive and also in how I feel later.

Big difference in how I feel later.

Beneficial.

I find this also complicated because so often in the law,

We have to deliver bad news.

But if we're using appropriate timing,

If we're honest,

If we're kind,

And from there,

If we consider how we can benefit the person or the people who will be receiving our communication,

You know,

Maybe we can find some benefit.

And if not,

You know,

If it's just terrible news that we have to deliver,

Then shift to compassion,

Not pity,

Which is the near enemy of compassion,

But true compassion,

And care for the people getting our communication and also care for ourselves,

Because it's hard on us too to deliver terrible news.

And I feel like all of this is summed up in the fifth guideline,

Which is that everything we say and write and post is,

You know,

The invitation is to do it all with a mind or a heart of goodwill.

And I guess what I would say about that is that when I find that when I can say whatever I'm saying with a mind and heart of goodwill,

The rest generally falls into place.

So I guess sometimes it's for me,

It's easier and more effective to start there,

Start at number five,

Take a few minutes,

Cultivate a mind and heart full of goodwill,

And then work backwards through beneficial,

Friendly,

Honest,

And timely.

And I would say there's not a sequence necessarily to follow here either.

And then there's one more thing,

And in that same teaching,

And I mentioned this at the beginning,

There's a simile called the simile of the psalm.

And in that simile,

The texts answer the question that is maybe on your mind,

I know it's often on mine,

And this is what I said at the beginning,

Which is,

You know,

What about the other guy or the other person?

And the teaching says that we're supposed to aspire to follow these guidelines even if someone is really terrible to us,

You know,

Is communicating to us at a terrible time or is lying or is hateful or is trying to cause us harm or has a mind filled with animosity.

And so the guideline for that is really simple.

Here's the here's the simile.

Even if bandits were to carve you up savagely limb by limb with a two handled saw,

Anyone among us who lets their heart get angered,

Even at that,

Would not be practicing as instructed.

So there's the guideline on that.

There's the answer.

And with that,

Let's sit.

So finding,

Finding your,

Your posture for this morning,

This afternoon,

This evening,

Wherever you are,

And settling in.

Finding the breath,

The breath in the body,

The way the body is breathing.

Just beginning to attend to the breath as it flows in and out of the body.

As a way of settling the body,

Settling the mind.

Resting in the present moment.

And then maybe calling to mind a communication with the mind.

And then maybe calling to mind a communication that you are going to have sometime today,

Tomorrow,

This weekend,

Next week.

And maybe it's with someone who might not be someone that you can count on to speak to you,

To communicate with you in a timely way or with kindness or honesty or benefit or with a heart full of goodwill.

You know,

There might be someone like that.

And see if you can take the next few minutes and just cultivate your own goodwill towards that person.

Thinking about something about that person who,

Something about that person that you can appreciate.

It might be the,

The simplest,

Most inconsequential thing,

Like the way that they wear their hair or the fact that generally they're on time.

And see if you can cultivate in your mind,

In your heart,

A kind of goodwill towards them,

And then consider how you can communicate with them in a timely way.

Timely as it relates to them.

If you can choose your time,

When would be the best time to talk with this person or communicate with this person?

So many times when I practiced,

I would send emails late at night,

Knowing they would be waiting,

Lurking on the recipient's desktop in the morning to kind of jump out at them,

And maybe that's not the best timing.

And then considering with this mind and heart of goodwill,

How you can be honest with the person that you are about to talk with.

And that may mean being more vulnerable than you're accustomed to being.

And then if the expression of your goodwill would look friendly or kind,

Then let it look friendly and kind.

Let it be friendly and kind.

Imagine bringing true kindness and friendliness,

Affection,

You can go all the way to affection with this person,

And really benefiting them if at all possible.

How can you benefit them?

And then in this last moment or two of our sit,

How does it feel to think about,

To consider,

To contemplate wise communication in this way?

Thanks everyone for being on the wake up call today.

Have a good Thursday and a good weekend and see you next Thursday.