Wanting, Not Wanting: Mindful Of Our Relationship

Here's an interesting mindfulness note: when we're awake, whatever we're doing, whether it's seeing or hearing or thinking or feeling, on subtle and not-so-subtle levels we're either enjoying the moment, not enjoying it, or not caring.

Generally, if we're enjoying the moment we want it to last (I'm thinking of a delicious meal or a moment of triumph). If we're not enjoying the moment, we can’t wait to get out of it.

Transcript

Hello everyone and welcome to the Wake Up Call.

This is Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 385.

Hope you're all well and if you're in California,

I hope you're safe in this big storm.

I'm up in Portland.

It's a winter wonderland up here.

So we're looking at the seven factors of awakening.

Awakening from a habit-driven life into a life where we feel creative and engaged and free.

And the seven factors,

Which again are factors that are already present for each of us,

We already have these and what we're doing is just trying to look at them and lift them up and explore them more and cultivate them.

The seven factors are mindfulness,

Investigation,

Energy,

Joy,

Tranquility,

Concentration,

And equanimity.

And last week I shared various thoughts on what mindfulness is,

The first of the seven,

From the Oxford English Dictionary to Jon Kabat-Zinn to the definition that we've been working with at Warrior One.

So focusing our attention on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting our thoughts,

Emotions,

And bodily sensations.

Paying attention on purpose without judgment,

Intentional moment-to-moment awareness with courage and grace,

And without wishing things were other than they are.

That's just a few of the ways.

And then Joseph Goldstein's definition,

Which I want to say more about today,

And I love being mindful that we're paying attention,

Being mindful of what's happening.

So knowing,

Seeing is happening,

Thinking is happening,

Anger is happening,

And being mindful of the filters through which we're seeing or hearing or smelling or tasting or touching or thinking or feeling that this is pleasant and I want it,

Or I want more,

That this is unpleasant and I don't want it,

And that this is neither and I couldn't care less.

When we're mindful on these three levels,

We can pay attention in a more discerning way.

And for me,

I'm reasonably aware that I'm paying attention when I am,

When I am.

And when that happens,

I'm reasonably likely to know or to be able to remind myself to look,

To see what's happening.

Oh,

Seeing is what's happening.

Smelling is what's happening.

Fear or frustration is what's happening.

Paying attention to the filters is more subtle.

Although for me,

It's also kind of revelatory.

It tells me a lot.

In Pali,

The word for these filters is vedana,

Which is the second foundation of mindfulness.

So the first foundation is the body.

We cultivate mindfulness of the body by paying attention to the body itself,

To the breath in the body,

To whether we're feeling tightness or ease or heat or coolness,

To what posture we're in,

Various other ways.

And in doing that,

We're staying in the present moment.

We're learning how to attend to our experience so that it doesn't unconsciously govern what we say or do.

And we're learning to develop a warm relationship to that experience,

Which then translates,

Or it does for me anyway,

And you have to see if this is true for you,

Into a warm relationship with others.

So it's all in service of moving away from a habit-driven life to one that's awake and free.

Vedana,

The second foundation of mindfulness,

Is the filter that arises instantaneously when we see or hear or smell or taste or touch or think or feel something or someone.

Now,

We instantly get a hit that the moment is either pleasant and we want more,

Or it's unpleasant and we don't want it at all,

Or neither and we don't care.

Because of the want,

Don't want,

Don't care response to unpleasant,

Pleasant,

Unpleasant,

Unpleasant,

Neither,

Vedana is considered the turning point.

It's considered the turning point.

So because of this want,

Don't want,

Don't care response to pleasant,

Unpleasant,

And neither,

Vedana is considered the turning point.

When I'm not aware,

I find myself chasing down something or someone pleasant before wisdom has a chance to stop me and say,

Wait,

Will this lead to happiness or will it lead to suffering?

Or I say or do some,

And that's for myself or for someone else,

Or I say or do something to try to stop whatever unpleasant thing is happening or to get away from it when the more skillful response is to notice that aversive reaction and then stand still,

Stand still,

Assuming it's a paper tiger and not a real tiger as my dear friend Charity Scott writes about,

And then attend to the experience or attend to myself or attend to whoever needs help.

Things and people,

They don't have their own inherent Vedana,

Right?

So I'm a Grateful Dead fan and maybe you think their music is unpleasant,

Right?

We could probably agree that dog poop on our shoes is unpleasant,

But I prefer cool weather and maybe you prefer warm.

So each of us experiences each moment in our own way based on all the things that make us unique.

No moment itself has an inherent Vedana.

And Joseph is saying,

I think if we're mindful of how we experience each moment,

Then we can choose.

So I smell dog poop.

I'm mindful that it's just unpleasant.

That's all that's happening.

So I don't cuss or rant on the sidewalk in front of a whole bunch of other people,

Or I don't cuss and rant at all,

Right?

Or I win emotion and I'm mindful that it's just a pleasant moment.

And I'm mindful of that before I pump my fist.

And that gives me the chance to see that the client who lost is crying.

And so I stop that impulse,

Which would have caused them harm,

Made them feel worse.

Or I almost,

But don't add to cart,

Right?

Add to cart if I can be mindful that the moment is neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

And so what's happening is I'm spacing out,

I'm bored,

But I don't really need those fabulous socks or that new car.

Last week,

Someone wrote and asked,

Can we change the filters?

And if so,

How?

As far as I know,

We can't change the filters.

We can't change the Vedana of each moment.

It just is,

It's instantaneous.

Our eyes see something and instantly the object registers as pleasant or as unpleasant or as neither.

And our filters come up,

I want that,

I don't want that,

I don't care.

But what we can do is we can change the atmosphere,

Or maybe it's the biosphere in which we experience the filter.

So not only can we become more and more mindful of the filters,

But we can train ourselves to relate to them with peace,

With ease.

And once we start to do that,

Not only can we notice that,

Or at least this is helpful for me,

That the first cookie was pleasant and that's why wanting a second is happening.

And then not only does that create space in which I can choose whether or not to eat the second cookie,

But I'm also less likely to judge myself if I do.

Or I can see that I'm frustrated with opposing counsel,

That's unpleasant,

Or they are,

Right?

But remembering that the object of my awareness doesn't carry its own inherent Vedana,

It's me relating to that person or that object.

So it's unpleasant,

And that's why I don't want to deal with them.

But that not wanting to deal with them,

It's just a filter.

And seeing that without judging it with ease,

That creates space for me to choose the best course of action,

Instead of immediately and probably unconsciously hitting send to my irritated reply.

Plus,

I probably then have less frustration because I'm remembering that unpleasantness is so normal,

Right?

And it's really not such a big deal,

It's just part of being human.

Or I'm mindful that things aren't particularly pleasant or unpleasant,

And I realize I'm bored,

And I'm checked out that not caring is happening.

And if I can remember to relate to that with ease,

To remember to relate to not caring as just a response to things being neither particularly great nor particularly awful,

Right?

Then I can move more easily to quickly bring my attention back to the present.

And there in the present,

I can reconnect to others,

I can reconnect to myself,

And I can begin to once again care.

Okay,

So let's sit.

So taking a comfortable posture that's also upright,

Taking a couple of conscious breaths,

Beginning with the first foundation,

Paying attention to this body that you inhabit.

We each have one.

How is it today?

And noticing the breath in the body,

And beginning to attend to the breath,

Breath as present moment.

And then even in formal practice like this,

We can check to see what's happening in each moment.

Is the moment a pleasant one?

Is it unpleasant?

Or is it neither?

Can be a very subtle investigation,

But one thing that can be helpful is to notice whether there's relaxation or there's tightness.

If there's tightness,

Then for me,

That's often an indication that the moment is unpleasant.

If the body is more relaxed,

That's often an indication that the moment is pleasant.

One not being better than the other,

Right?

If I can't tell,

It's probably because it's neither.

And again,

One isn't better than the other.

We're not trying to have more pleasant moments and fewer unpleasant moments or fewer of neither,

But there is a way in which we can take an easeful,

Peaceful attitude toward whatever filter,

Whatever flavor of moment is happening.

And fluttering the eyes open if they're closed,

And wiggling the fingers and toes.

Thank you very much for being on the wake-up call today.

If this investigation of Vedana is resonant for you,

You can take it with you out into your day and just see what you notice.

Have a good Thursday.

Have a safe Thursday and in the storms and weekend,

And I'll see you all next week.