Turning Forgiveness Around

I’ve been noticing this week, 
as I practice apology and forgiveness,
that these practices invite me to dig deep.



What I’m digging for is generosity.
To apologize with a full heart, 
I need to be generous enough to be willing to say I’m sorry.

To forgive – and often I need to forgive myself – 
I need to be generous enough to see 
that when I cause harm, as awful as it feels,
there is room to grow and (hopefully) time to make amends.



The amazing thing is that when generosity is the foundation,
apology and forgiveness bring so much ease and joy.
Maybe check that out, and see if it’s true for you, too.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 461.

So last Wake Up Call I was talking about apology and forgiveness as practices.

And today I want to talk more about forgiveness and also about the spirit of generosity that feels like to me make both of the practices effective,

Maybe even possible.

And as a reminder,

I'm focused on apology and forgiveness because it's the Jewish high holidays when the invitation is to practice tshuva or this process of returning to wholeness through apology and forgiveness.

And it's resonant for me on a cultural level,

So,

But it's also resonant because the practice of returning to wholesomeness is mindfulness practice,

Although mindfulness invites us to return to wholesomeness in each moment,

No matter what time of year it is.

I was asked to share a version of last week's Apology and Forgiveness Wake Up Call with my teaching and learning group,

Which is this really wise group of friends,

Dharma Buddies,

Led by our teacher,

James Baraz,

Who was the one who invited me to share.

And I feel really fortunate and grateful to be part of this group,

This sangha.

And after I offered the talk,

The group offered me back some really useful observations.

And one that's alive for me has been since Monday when we met is an inquiry into forgiveness,

Which a few people said they feel can be problematic.

And so let me see if I can unpack what they offered and hopefully make some sense of it for all of us.

So if you recall from last time,

I was framing apology as realizing I've broken one of the five precepts,

Reaching out to the person I've harmed by doing that,

And then apologizing.

And those five precepts again are to not cause harm,

To not take what isn't mine to take,

To not behave unethically,

To not communicate with or about anyone with a lack of kindness,

And to not cloud the mind in a way that might impair my ability to adhere to the first four.

And I'm still framing apology that way.

I was framing forgiveness as part of that same repartee.

So once I apologize,

I get to ask for forgiveness.

And then it's on the person I've harmed,

To whom I've apologized,

To give me forgiveness.

And James and my Dharma buddies said,

Look,

Sometimes that's a lot to ask for,

Or it's not appropriate to ask for it at all.

And in fact,

Sometimes it might add insult to injury,

Quite literally,

Because in the context,

Asking for forgiveness,

It becomes transactional.

It's something I'm asking for in return for my apology.

So you can see the issue here.

It's interesting.

And of course,

In some circumstances,

It's probably fine.

You know,

I step on my partner's toe and I scuff his shiny shoes just as we're headed out to dinner.

You know,

Not that he is probably wearing anything but tennis shoes.

And I say,

Oh,

I'm sorry,

Will you forgive me?

And that's probably fine.

And he probably will.

He's also probably handing me the buffer to fix them,

Right?

But when asking for forgiveness isn't appropriate,

And especially when it might cause more harm,

Then what are we pointing at when we're saying that apology and forgiveness are part of tshuva,

Part of mindfulness,

Part of returning to wholeness?

And so what comes up for me is what if apology and forgiveness,

Both something we're being invited to give and not get?

In other words,

What if when I've hurt someone,

Tshuva invites me to apologize to the person I've hurt,

And it also invites me to forgive myself?

So if you recall,

Forgiveness comes in three parts.

We can forgive someone else,

We can forgive ourselves,

And we can ask for forgiveness from someone.

So what if tshuva and mindfulness are inviting us to forgive ourselves at least first?

In other words,

I see that I've hurt someone,

I apologize,

But before,

During,

And after I make my apology,

Which are the three times that discernment,

Wise discernment tells us to look,

How am I doing,

And what is my role,

What role might self-forgiveness play,

Right?

So when I'm considering apologizing,

So before I apologize,

What happens for me is I get pushed up against my denial and my justification.

You know,

I don't want to have caused harm,

And when I finally admit that I have,

I want to try and justify whatever I've said or done.

So can I forgive myself for all the denial and justification?

Can I see it as just a defense mechanism or a way of rejecting or rejecting that I've hurt someone or insisting that I'm not someone who could have caused that harm?

So therefore it must not have happened the way it's being portrayed,

Right?

I feel like it's only if and when I can forgive myself for taking that perspective,

That perspective of denial and justification,

That I can let go of the perspective,

Right?

And then,

Only then,

Can I truly begin my apology.

So that's before,

During,

As I'm apologizing,

Even though I've decided to apologize,

It's still the same old thing,

It's hard to take in that I've caused harm.

I want to minimize,

Even when the other person says,

No,

Judy,

The impact was big.

And so again,

Can I forgive myself for that impulse to minimize,

Which is again,

A selfing mechanism,

It's an aversion to seeing myself as someone who could cause harm.

I think it is anyway,

And so can I forgive myself for that again?

And remember also that I'm not frozen in time,

You know,

None of us is frozen in time.

And instead,

It's just like everyone else,

I'm able to learn and evolve.

And I feel like it's only when I can do that,

That while I'm making my apology,

My apology is really coming from the heart.

So that's before,

During,

And then after I apologize,

You know,

Remorse,

Embarrassment,

They can loom large.

You know,

I don't want to believe I said or did the thing,

I should know better,

How could I have all of that and a lot more.

So after I've apologized,

Can I forgive myself for those thoughts?

And maybe even more importantly,

Can I forgive myself for causing the harm?

Not excuse myself,

Right,

But forgive,

You know,

Not carry around that hot coal of anger,

Disappointment,

Frustration with my own lapse or my own lack of wisdom,

Of compassion.

So I want to say yes,

I can do this,

Yes,

And,

And I think it takes,

It takes generosity.

So remember the three kinds of generosity,

We can give things,

And those can be material things,

Also time,

Also energy.

We can give the gift of mindfulness,

And we can give the gift of fearlessness.

So apology to me looks like giving the gift of mindfulness and maybe also giving things.

And when I apologize,

I'm offering mindfulness,

I'm saying I see my negative impact,

I'm not turning away and I'm sorry.

Or one of my Dharma buddies on Monday said,

Well,

What about I'm sorry,

How can I make things right?

Which might also look like giving things,

Especially time,

In the form of sitting and listening to how,

How my words or my actions landed.

And then energy in terms of taking some action to make things right,

Or at least better.

Right?

So that's the generosity of apology.

And then forgiveness feels like the gift of fearlessness.

Because when I forgive myself,

I'm sort of fearlessly facing my habits and patterns and saying,

This happened,

It's bad,

And I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid that it's going to reflect on some fixed version of who I am.

You know,

I'm not freezing myself in time,

So I don't have to be afraid.

And this I feel like is the gift of the generosity of forgiveness.

And then I feel like the generosity of apology and forgiveness,

They might translate too.

So the more I'm in the habit of giving myself the gift of forgiveness,

The more likely I am to be generous with someone else,

Meaning whether they apologize or not,

I may decide to forgive them.

And the more likely I am to be able to create a kind of relational field of generosity that makes it possible,

If appropriate,

To ask someone for forgiveness.

So there we have the three kinds of forgiveness.

And here's the thing.

Thich Nhat Hanh says,

If you give and continue to give,

You become richer and richer all the time in terms of happiness and well-being.

So if we imagine generosity as a stream running underneath apology and forgiveness,

Then according to Thich Nhat Hanh,

Giving others our apologies and giving ourself and others forgiveness would make us richer and richer in terms of happiness and well-being.

So just invite us all to check it out.

So I'm traveling and I don't have my bell,

So imagine a bell and let's hit.

.

.

Finding a comfortable posture that is both upright and also easeful.

Taking a moment to see what level of relaxation is available to you in this moment.

And then moving in that direction of relaxation.

Maybe on the out-breath,

Letting the body relax on the in-breath.

Taking in the air and on the out-breath,

Relaxing.

And the mind wanders,

Just coming back to the breath,

The body,

Breathing.

And then maybe if you want to,

Calling to mind something small,

Working with something small that you have said or done,

And you have that feeling of,

Uh-oh,

That might not have been the wisest thing to say or do,

The kindest thing to say or do,

Or you've gotten that feedback.

And seeing how it feels to recall this small thing,

You know,

Not turning away from it or denying it or justifying it.

Also,

Can you be generous with yourself and forgive yourself?

And it won't mean that you don't go to the person who you've upset and apologize.

It'll mean that it's more likely that you do that because you're not,

Or I'm not,

Letting myself off the hook.

I'm not giving myself a pass.

I'm just forgiving myself,

Giving myself the gift of fearlessness,

That I don't have to be afraid,

So afraid of my own self-judgment and so afraid that this thing that I said or did is somehow emblematic of some fixed Judy Cohen-ness.

Something that happened,

I need to apologize,

But I need to,

I can also forgive myself.

See how that feels.

See how with the wisdom that was available to you at the time that you said or did the thing,

Things couldn't have been different.

But now,

Seeing things right now,

They might be because you have just that much more wisdom and compassion.

And saying to yourself,

Even out loud,

I forgive you.

Maybe even,

I forgive you,

Friend.

And taking a deep breath and fluttering the eyes open if they were closed or refocusing on whatever is in front of you if they were open.

Thank you so much for being on the Wake Up Call today and for all of us practicing together.

Be safe out there,

Everybody,

And let's send some well-being,

Everything that we've generated here together to the Southeast,

To all of those who are really suffering in North Carolina and Florida.

Wish them well.

Thanks,

Everyone.

I'll see you next week.

And a good yontif.

May you have an easy fast if you're fasting.