The Three Marks Of Existing As A Lawyer

Three Things I Know For Sure

Three things I know for sure: everything is always changing. When something unpleasant feels like it'll never change, there it goes, being different. When something good happens and I never want it to change, there it goes, slipping right through my hands.

This includes me. That’s the second thing I know. I'm not one, well-defined, knowable, person, someone I can count on to think and speak and act in a reliably kind, wise, way. I’m a kaleidoscope, turning and changing based on a limitless number of filters. And relatively unpredictable, except when I'm completely predictable.

And the third thing I know is that impermanence, my inability to pin my “self” down, which amounts to just being human - it's hard. And, it’s doable. I know that because we’re all doing it

And all of this? It’s the good news. I know that, too. So I guess I’m wrong. It’s not three things. It’s four things I know for sure.

Transcript

Hello everyone this is Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 419. Okay, Yes, Good morning, Good afternoon. Today I want to talk about the three characteristics which are also called the three marks of existence and how even though initially these three characteristics or marks might not seem like the good news they they really are. So the three characteristics or the three marks of existence are impermanence, Egolessness, Sometimes that's called not self, And suffering. And I guess it's it's not really entirely accurate to say that they are the good news but what I what I really want to say is knowing about them is the good news and but not just knowing about them but knowing about them and relating to them with wisdom and compassion. To relate to them without wisdom without compassion they'll just be the cause of more suffering or I like to use the Yiddish word soros which sometimes just feels more accurate than suffering and soros which is spelled with a T T S O R I S it's defined by Merriam-Webster as problems or troubles so if I'm using soros in a sentence I would say something like my daughter is about to go live in a van and practice psychotherapy in her van. Oy, Oy, So much soros. And in case it's not obvious what I would mean I'd mean my daughter is is doing this thing which makes me very nervous by going and living in a van, Right? And but then there's relating to my daughter living in a van with wisdom which changes things because it helps me to remember not that I forgot but maybe for that moment of soros I did forget that she's brilliant and courageous and adventurous and on her own remarkable journey and relating with compassion might look like me saying you know this is my brilliant daughter's path and life is not always easy and I love her so much for putting herself out there in this really amazing way. So so that's soros and relating in the opposite way with wisdom and with compassion and every moment of every day I notice opportunities to meet life with wisdom or without to meet you know life with compassion and self-compassion and without and you probably do too we all do if we're paying attention and living in the world. So the three marks are really all about that in the sense that they're a kind of a roadmap that refocus our attention moment by moment at that crossroads between choosing wisdom and compassion and getting mired or lost in soros. Pema, Pema Chodron in the facts of life which is chapter 3 of the book we're looking at the places that scare you she explains the three marks in that way her big point is that the three marks and life in general are not a problem unless we make things a problem and the problem is that unfortunately we do make things a problem a lot of the time or I'll speak for myself I make things a problem a lot of the time so instead of acknowledging the truth of impermanence, Egolessness, And suffering I know that I spend an awful lot of time trying to corral my life so that everything is in its correct place and stable and permanent that and then forming and holding tight to my identities and then getting irritated or full of sorrows and upset when things don't go my way or when they fall apart entirely but even though I do that and maybe we all do that some of the time we can't change the fact that this human life is literally marked by these three characteristics by impermanence egolessness and suffering we can't wish them away we can't work harder or persuade someone or pay someone to change them or make them go away they won't go away because we're smarter or we're more aggressive than anyone else or because we're kinder or more compassionate than anyone else they just are what they are whether we're rich whether we're comfortable whether we're poor our partners our families our friends even our personal assistants can't change the three marks for us we can't even change them by having a super dedicated meditation practice or yoga practice they just are the way things are but or and and this is such a beautiful recollection that Pema offers us they are not our fault we didn't do anything to create or to deserve impermanence or egolessness or suffering and Pema even says in this chapter we don't suffer the pain or the sores of the three marks she doesn't say that that's in brackets the word sores because of our personal inability to get things right we don't suffer these things because of our personal inability to get things right so this is such a relief right at least for me and I will also say that even though I've studied these three marks for many years I noticed how so often and so sneakily I still have the thought yeah but I know a lot of teachers I know a lot of Dharma can't I get an exemption and that's also a no so the question becomes what can we do about impermanence and egolessness and suffering and we can just do one thing we can change our relationship to them so for example Pema says that instead of relating to impermanence by using our daily activity as a shield against the fundamental ambiguity of our situation which I love we can remember this simple mantra everything wears everything wears out and then she says begin to understand that we are not the only ones who can't keep it all together yeah can we do that can we begin to understand that we're not the only ones who can't keep it all together no one can and in remembering that in in in remembering that relate to impermanence with wisdom and compassion so that it causes us less stress less service and you know of course dealing with clients is a little harder at least in my experience because clients hate ambiguity like everyone else they want things to be certain and stable but not like everyone else they often feel that since they're paying us the big bucks we should solve for impermanence you know because it presents as a kind of a fundamental flaw in their plans and we can't very well say to them you're not the only one who can't keep it together right we can't say that but maybe we can say something compassionate like I know the situation is fluid or this person is being material I know how difficult that is but you know let's work with what's here it's the best we can do changing our relationship to egolessness the second mark is tricky because there's a tendency or at least I've had this tendency to think of egolessness or not self as meaning that we're trying to not have a personality right and that's not that's not it what it means is that we're fluid we're not fixed that we ourselves are not immune from impermanence and Pema invites us to consider this by she says moving through the drama of our own lives without believing so earnestly in the character we play I really love this and I think about how often I cling to the characters I play you know lawyer teacher partner friend mom stepmom and then I think about how well I've done or how poorly I've done in those roles you know that day that year in this life and to this I think Pema has some very wise advice when we're thinking we're competent or hopeless what are we basing it on on this fleeting moment on yesterday's success or failure when we cling to a fixed idea of who we are it cripples us whether the reality of change is a source of freedom or of horrific anxiety makes a significant difference so just another way of saying that is are we living with wisdom and compassion and self-compassion when we bump up against these three marks of distance which is all the time or are we struggling with all the sores in the world right so suffering which is the third mark is worthy of a whole wake-up call so we'll talk about it next week but the spoiler alert is on the one hand you know being human is just hard and on the other hand how we relate makes all the difference okay let's sit together so finding whatever your most supportive posture is for today and just settling in taking a few conscious breaths letting go of all the words letting go of anything else that it's possible to let go of and just coming to this present moment and noticing what's here the breath sensations of the body sound and the invitation is to just notice that all of these things that are present in our experience breath the body sound they're all changing not just theoretically but every moment is completely different and noticing if there's any tendencies here hold on or grasp hold of anything that is arising or to push away anything that's happening that's being noticed a thought that's unwelcome a bodily sensation that's unpleasant notice any tendency to attach to who you are or your image of yourself as a meditator right now I can do this I'm a good meditator I can't do this I can never sit still and seeing it there's a smile available if there's a way to just look at this wild mind that has a mind of its own amusement with kindness the self-compassion and seeing if also there's there's some joy there's some gladness and being able to see whatever it is that is available for you to see in this sit maybe some gratitude for that thank you so much everyone for being on the wake-up call this morning have a have a good Thursday and have a good and safe holiday weekend if you're celebrating Hanukkah the festival of lights happy Hanukkah starting tonight and I'll see you all next Thursday take care