Patience Means Giving the Victory To Others

Patience is great, in principle, but what happens when things are fast & furious (literally)? Mindfulness helps. When I’m paying attention and not judging myself, I remember to watch for anger, frustration, rage. I remember to turn towards them and get interested, While keeping my fingers off of the keys. Sometimes, I even remember I don’t need to win every point.

I have no idea what would happen if I could do all of that every time I got mad, even a little. Something good, though, I’m sure.

Transcript

Hi everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 370.

We've been looking at Kshanti Paramiyata,

The perfection of patience or tolerance.

And so far we've looked at developing the patience to deal with what it means to be human.

So illness,

Growing older,

Losing people,

Losing our own lives.

And we've also touched on anger as the main problem that patience addresses.

How anger comes just in a flash based on whatever conditions come together in the moment.

And also how it's not the the fault of the person who has that flash of anger because anger is just an ordinary emotion,

Although a very difficult emotion.

And yet how even though it's not their fault,

It's still their responsibility.

Or just to say that for myself when it's me who gets angry,

It's not my fault that I get angry,

But it's my responsibility.

So the good news is patience is a remedy for anger.

Anger is the primary difficulty patience addresses.

When we're practicing patience,

It's like anger can't take root.

So in the law,

In life right now,

There are so many opportunities for anger to arise.

Whether it's a conflict situation or not.

And we know what they are,

The political situation,

The seeming inability or unwillingness of nations to address climate issues.

With any alacrity,

The bias,

The hatred,

We could kind of take our poisons.

But it's also the world as it is right now,

Which means that there are so many opportunities for anger to arise.

Which means that there are plenty of opportunities to practice patience.

We can start by observing anger in the moment in a conflict-based situation like when we're about to lose our temper.

Or when someone loses their temper with us.

We can do that,

But the trouble is that when we're in the middle of something,

And especially when we're in the middle of something and we're an advocate,

But even just in life,

If we haven't already embedded patience in the mind,

We may get caught up or swept away.

Probably a better place to start practicing patience is in our formal meditation practice.

Because formal practice is a safe space,

We're creating a safe space and it's also kind of a laboratory.

So we're cultivating a habit of paying attention,

We're infusing that habit with non-judgmental awareness.

So even though anger isn't something we're proud of,

When it comes up in a formal practice in a safe space,

We're less likely to deny it or to try to justify it.

And once we're in the habit of paying non-judgmental attention,

We're more likely to catch anger before the words are out of our mouth or we've hit the horn or bang down out of reply and sent.

Once we embed patience in the mind,

When anger happens in the day-to-day skirmishes of life,

The nuclear skirmishes,

The nuclear moments of life and also in the practice of law,

Which it will,

We can simply observe instead of react.

Patience is the quality that gives us the ability to observe instead of react.

It's that quality.

And then we can name and turn towards anger without any aversion,

Without denying it and just say,

Oh this is anger,

What can I learn from you today?

I love the way that the great Thai forest teacher Ajahn Chah explained this.

He said,

We catch emotions in the net of mindfulness and then examine them.

Right?

We catch emotions in the net of mindfulness and then examine them.

So if we don't learn this and we lose our patience,

I'll just speak for myself,

If I lose my patience then I'll say something or do something that I regret and I might hurt someone and then we can kind of see what happens.

Pain and sorrow ripple out and they may reverberate in our bodies.

They also might boomerang right back to us in the words or the actions of the person who receives our anger.

So many unfortunate things can happen when we lose our patience and say or do things in anger.

Shanti Deva said that any virtuous actions we have created over thousands of eons can be destroyed in one moment of anger.

Our goal though isn't to not get angry because that's not realistic.

Even the Dalai Lama reports that he occasionally still has anger.

So rather than think about never having anger,

The practice is to relate to anger with patience,

To slow down internally.

Take that moment,

Get curious about anger before we speak or act and in that moment of slowing down let our wisdom arise.

Just let it.

Don't force it.

Just let it.

And then it's so much easier and so much more likely that we're going to make the choice not to infuse our words or actions with anger.

But the question arises what about situations in which anger is justified?

As lawyers,

As law professors,

Training lawyers,

Sometimes we have to be ferocious and anything less is perceived as a kind of cowardice.

And most of the time even when we're being ferocious we won't choose anger because it's such an out of control state but sometimes we might.

I was once training a group of immigration lawyers,

I've mentioned this before on the wake-up call,

And they were like absolutely we use anger every single day in our practice.

I like what the Dalai Lama says in Ethics for a New Millennium.

He says,

Patience and tolerance should not be confused with mere passivity.

On the contrary,

Adopting even vigorous countermeasures may be compatible with tolerance.

There are times in everyone's life when harsh words or even physical intervention may be called for.

But since it safeguards our inner composure,

Patience tolerance means we are in a stronger position to judge an appropriately non-violent response.

Then if we are overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions,

From this we see that patience is the very opposite of cowardice.

So he's saying,

We may need to be really ferocious,

Harsh words,

Even physical intervention,

But patience and tolerance is what safeguards our inner composure.

And helps us to see,

Well what is the non-violent response here so that we're not getting overwhelmed by our anger,

By negative thoughts and emotions.

And then Norman Fisher takes it to an even more radical proposition,

Reminding us of a Tibetan teaching that is in one slogan,

Give the victory to others,

Give the victory to others.

So when I read that,

I thought,

Well that seems like a really terrible idea,

Especially for lawyers,

Right?

And to say nothing of a possibly completely unethical,

Right?

But what Norman is saying is that patience,

Particularly in a conflict situation,

But even in general,

Is often about noticing what you can live without.

So this is this slide of this man with a crown on his head and his fist pumping the air.

You know,

This is kind of the way things are,

At least for me,

When I'm not being patient.

And the question is,

What can I live without?

When can I live with not getting my way?

Or when I'm practicing law with not being a hero and still serving my client very well,

Right?

When can I,

Every once in a while,

Give the victory to others?

And I'm thinking of this as patience at its most noble.

So let's sit and maybe practice a little bit with this.

And finding a comfortable posture that's also upright and dignified.

Just feeling yourself sitting in the chair,

On the cushion,

On the floor,

Maybe in the car,

Taking a few conscious breaths,

And then letting the attention rest on the breath.

Or if that isn't supportive for you today,

Then attending to sounds,

The sounds in your environment,

And letting the attention rest on sound as it arises and passes away.

And then calling to mind.

Not the most activating difficulty,

But maybe something small and something that you encountered recently.

So a conversation where you felt misunderstood,

Maybe a drive when you needed to get somewhere and there was a lot of traffic.

Maybe an opposing counsel who is being difficult and allowing the emotion of anger to arise,

Really inviting it.

To get to know it better,

To get to know yourself a little better.

How does it feel in the body?

Is there a tightness or heat?

Flinching,

Agitation.

Keeping in mind that if there's a reaction to the word anger or the suggestion that you have anger,

Anger is just an umbrella word for frustration,

Irritation,

Impatience.

And as you turn towards this emotion,

Can you do that with a lot of kindness?

As if the emotion of anger is as much of a treasure as joy or gratitude or love.

Not because it's something you want to express,

But because it gives you an opportunity,

It gives us an opportunity to cultivate patience.

It's like this.

Here is my anger,

Perfect.

A reminder to take a few breaths.

Calm down,

Bring a quality of love to this moment.

Then respond.

Let go.

Thanks everyone for coming to the wake up call today.

Great to see you.

Have a good Thursday.

Have a good weekend.

I'll see you next week.