Let's Talk About Our Friends (In A Nice Way)

Have you noticed how sometimes friends help you celebrate your triumphs, drown your sorrows, and rail against the small injustices of the day: the traffic, someone else's rudeness, the latest mask mandates? And then, how there are the true best friends? Who does all that, but also remind you that things are just as they are, that drowning your sorrows isn't always as helpful as letting the tears flow, and that it's not a great idea to insult or disparage people because it only burns a hole in your own.

Transcript

Good morning everyone and welcome to The Wake Up Call.

This is Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 313 on August 12th.

So staying with the sage again today which is chapter 6 of the Dhammapada because I want to learn how to be a sage and doesn't everybody?

So right after last week's chapter 6 verse is about associating with the people who call out our faults,

There's this verse,

Do not associate with evil friends,

Do not associate with the lowest of people,

Associate with virtuous friends,

Associate with the best of people.

So it sounds either completely obvious or maybe like I should reevaluate all of my friends.

No,

Not really.

But I mean when I look around I do have to wonder,

You know,

Who are my virtuous friends,

My best of people?

And I think for me there's a kind of a tendency to think about who is my tribe,

Who are the people who agree with me politically,

Should I be thinking about this only in terms of really smart people,

Only in terms of really kind people,

You know,

How should I be thinking about this?

And when I read that verse it reminded me of a wake-up call in early 2017 and actually I didn't know it was early 2017 but it reminded me of a wake-up call when I was working with Joseph Goldstein's book Mindfulness and so this is actually the first time that I've gone and looked back at an old wake-up call for reference and that was really fun.

So I did,

I looked back and wow,

February 2017.

I had to contextualize it,

It seemed like a lifetime ago and I just remember how edgy things were then.

Trump had just been sworn in,

He'd just issued the Muslim ban and I was,

I remember being really terrified of what his presidency would mean and wow,

You know,

I had no idea.

So anyway,

In February of 2017 we were looking,

We're about to look at the seven factors of awakening and the first thing that Joseph Goldstein says is that the factors don't arise by themselves.

So there's,

Yeah,

There's these stories of yogis who heard one teaching and became enlightened but not me and in case that's not,

You know,

Joseph recites the teaching that says,

This is so beautiful,

Just as the dawn is the forerunner and precursor of the arising of the sun,

So too good friendship,

Association with the wise and careful attention are the forerunners and precursors of the arising of the factors of awakening.

So I love that,

Good friendship,

Association with the wise and careful attention and so the the easy part or maybe the non-so easy part,

Careful attention is mindfulness.

It makes sense to me that we have to be paying attention,

Being mindful for the seven factors of awakening to arise and then good friendship and association with the wise,

There we go.

Isn't it interesting that these are also requisites for the factors of awakening to arise and it's really the same as what the Dhammapada says,

Which the Dhammapada is this beautiful compilation of all of the most important teachings,

Do not associate with evil friends,

Do not associate with the lowest of people,

Associate with virtuous friends,

Associate with the best of people.

So just to say like I feel really lucky to have casual friends from different times in my life and then a few really close friends and with my wider circle I feel really lucky that there are other mindfulness teachers,

Good friends,

People on paths that are the same or different from mine,

But who are wise because they're honest with me and they push me to be my best.

So in a way I feel like my outer circle,

If you will,

That circle includes good friendship and association with the wise,

That's how Joseph puts it,

Or virtuous friends and the best of people as the Dhammapada puts it.

The more interesting thing for me is my inner circle,

So I wonder if this is true for you.

In my inner circle there are also very wise people,

People who I rely on,

People who I know are keeping me on the path,

Keeping me on the straight and narrow,

Keeping me honest.

And then there are people whom I love and who are practicing mindfulness or even curious about mindfulness and so maybe they're reactive or they express a lot of ill will or they grouse about this or that,

Or they gossip,

Or they drink a lot,

Or they smoke a lot.

And it's definitely because they enjoy themselves if that's the thing and so that's them enjoying themselves.

And I remember Norman Fisher saying in the Lojan something like,

You know,

Do all these important things to train the mind and heart and then sometimes pour yourself a glass of wine and turn on the TV,

Right?

But it also sometimes looks to me like some numbing going on.

And I guess I loop back to this careful attention element,

The mindfulness element,

Awareness,

When someone I look up to,

A wise friend,

You know,

Someone I think of as the best of people,

Pours a glass of wine or they have something uncomplimentary to say about someone,

It seems like mostly they're aware of what they're saying and doing.

And they're open to feedback or to just being teased about having dissed someone or about that second glass,

Right?

So for sure my wisest friends are perfect,

Just like I'm far from perfect,

And they're just maybe more aware of their imperfections and maybe open and maybe even eager to have someone say,

You know,

Ahem,

You know.

So for me,

This discernment around my friends can also be kind of painful.

And I'll just say,

You know,

I know this is true for other people because a really dear friend called me last weekend to talk about how sad they were that their old friends wanted to,

You know,

Just,

They wanted to just party and talk in objectifying ways about their spouses.

And this friend said to me,

I don't want to be with them that much anymore.

And I don't want to talk that way anymore.

And I don't think they want to be with me either because I'm not doing that.

But I guess that's just a story this person said,

That's just a story,

You know?

And I thought about it and then I thought,

Maybe not.

And I actually said to this person,

Maybe not,

You know,

Maybe it's not a story.

Maybe it's actually a true thing in a good way.

And,

You know,

Maybe it's just wisdom in action,

You know,

Because it happens to me with some of my oldest and closest friends,

People I love and I would do anything for,

They don't always fall into the category of virtuous friends,

You know?

And I,

That sounds kind of snarky and I don't mean it that way.

I still love hanging out with them and I do that as much as I can.

And like I said,

I love them with all my heart,

But yeah,

I guess mindfulness and discernment kind of combine in a perfect storm sometimes.

And we really have to look up and decide who are the people who are really supporting us in waking up.

And for me,

They aren't necessarily that very closest inner circle of people I've known since I was two,

The people I've known since I was seven,

My closest family members.

They're the people I'm walking this path with,

You know?

The people who remind me to stay aligned and virtuous and mindful,

No matter how uncomfortable that is sometimes.

I mean,

Not only to do it,

But to be reminded to do it.

So I guess my virtuous friends,

My best people are other practitioners,

Just because of all of my friends,

They're the ones who tell me the truth.

Yeah.

And I really appreciate that.

And I also know that I need that if I'm going to have a shot at waking up.

Okay,

So let's sit.

So as always,

Finding a posture that is comfortable and will support your practice,

Upright,

Dignified,

Or if you're lying down,

Relaxed and awake and settling into the body,

Feeling the weight of the body,

Sitting,

Standing,

Lying down,

Walking,

Whatever posture you're in right now,

Connect to the earth,

However many stories down she may be.

The earth,

Certainly a wise friend,

A virtuous friend,

Have a sense of connecting to one another.

Everyone here also a wise friend.

We're all here keeping one another on the path,

Helping each other to wake up and connect to yourself,

That sense of goodness.

Then how do you hopping on to the call this morning and staying here to just to just look inside for a few minutes.

What a gift to give yourself a few minutes and then nothing to do but just pay attention,

Resting the mind and seeing what arises and pounces away in the field of awareness,

Not holding on,

Not getting caught.

And when that happens,

Because it will,

Just letting go and coming back to just observing,

Resting and observing.

Thanks everyone for joining me on the wake up call.

It's really great to see you all.

I'll see you next week.

Have a great week until next Thursday.