Learning To Tolerate Being Terrified

I don’t know how to tolerate being terrified but I know that I am terrified a lot. I’m scared that terrible things happening in other parts of the world or to other people will visit my town, my home, my family.

I’m terrified that when that happens, despite all my training and experience as a lawyer, as a mom, as a yogi and a meditator, I won’t know how to help. Or the help I'll be able to offer will not be enough. Or I won't be able to turn towards the situation fully to even see what help is needed, because the situation will strike too deeply or pierce too sharply into my own heart. Or that I’ll simply be overwhelmed.

Do you worry about any of that? If so, maybe we can learn how to be wise, and compassionate, and fierce, in the face of our fear, together.

Transcript

Hi everyone,

It's Judy Cohen.

This is Wake Up Call 416.

I hope that you are all doing as well as possible.

I want to start talking about Pema Chaudhryn's book,

The Places That Scare You,

Mainly because there are some places that really scare me,

That really terrify me,

And I love the way that Pema goes straight to the heart of those when she just begins her book.

So Pema starts with bodhicitta as a framework,

And she explains that citta means mind or heart or attitude,

And bodhi means awake or enlightened or completely open,

And so putting it together,

Bodhicitta is the awake or open or enlightened mind and heart,

If we think of it as a noun.

And she also reminds us that it's an attitude,

It's a way of living.

So if we think of bodhicitta as a verb,

And in that case I'd say,

And I think this is what Pema is saying,

That it's the practice of opening to what is,

You know,

This world,

Its enormous pain,

Its terror,

And also its beauty,

Its joy,

And doing that moment by moment,

Opening to it,

And then responding with unflinching compassion.

So not a path for the faint of heart,

But then,

You know,

Neither is the law.

The law also requires us,

If we're doing it well,

To be open to whatever comes our way,

The pain,

The suffering,

The terror that walks in the door,

And to relate to it well.

Until recently,

We haven't emphasized that relating to it well means relating to it with compassion,

But we have always taught young lawyers that the key to a well-lived life in the law is to learn to relate to the difficulties of the world and the practice with a kind of unflinching wisdom.

And compassion and wisdom,

After all,

Those are the two wings of mindfulness.

So the question in my mind and heart is,

Is kind of,

Are we ready as a profession,

And maybe also as a species,

To fly with both wings?

Which Pema names as bodhicitta,

As the path of the warrior.

So I don't know about you,

But these days I'm feeling like maybe we no longer have a choice except for to be warriors,

Maybe because of human interactions and politics and the earth.

Maybe not only the lawyers,

But everybody.

Maybe everyone has to be a warrior now,

You know,

To have that fierce attitude of openness to the pain of the world and to wanting to help.

Seems like it's going to get in regardless,

That pain,

That suffering,

Hurricane,

Heat,

War,

Greed,

Hate,

Revenge,

You know,

It just seems like it's going to get in.

And so for me,

This is where it gets so hard,

Because a lot of times I don't want the pain to get in.

You know,

I don't want to look at the news.

I don't want to know the latest casualty count in Ukraine.

You know,

I can't bear the havoc the latest hurricane is wrecking.

I don't want to dig deeper into Israel,

Palestine.

I don't even want to face the pain my own family and friends are suffering.

I mean,

I do want to do all these things,

But I don't want to do all these things.

And it's not that I don't want to face these things because I don't want to help.

I do want to help,

But I'm afraid.

Or,

I mean,

If I'm being truthful,

I'm terrified.

And I'm terrified because I don't know how to help,

And I just want someone to tell me how,

And that's not a thing.

That's not possible.

Or I'm terrified because nothing I do can really help,

And I feel inadequate.

Or I'm terrified because even if I do find a way to help,

I know it won't be enough,

So I feel ineffective.

Yeah,

These are maybe human things,

But they're lawyer things too.

And a lot of the time,

I'm just terrified that I can't bear to witness and be with that level of pain.

And I know that for me,

Part of that is because I would then have to look at my own pain,

My own failures,

The dangers I've put myself in,

The harm I've suffered,

The harm and the pain I've caused others.

These are things I've often,

Not always,

But often successfully avoided looking at.

Declined to witness,

Declined to even acknowledge.

And I'm not saying this because I'm a lawyer,

But I would say that in my experience,

This not looking is another thing that we lawyers know how to do really well,

Right?

So Pema is saying that bodhicitta is the opposite of this terror,

Or wait,

It's not the opposite,

It's not,

That's not right,

It's not the opposite.

Bodhicitta is about showing up for the pain even though we're terrified,

Right?

Even when all we want to do is watch one more show or have one more glass or go for one more long walk or take one more yoga class or,

You know,

Listen to one more dharma talk instead.

And she's also saying,

I think,

That in order to show up,

First we have to see and not just see,

But feel,

Right?

So Pema says bodhicitta is the ability to feel the pain that we share with others.

So in other words,

The ability to see and feel into the fact that we aren't different,

That humans are not different from one another,

That I'm not different from a wounded soldier in Ukraine or a kidnapped Israeli in a cave in Gaza or a Palestinian family huddling from Israeli missiles,

Right?

I'm not different from the woman swept away by a hurricane or the man buried in the rubble of an earthquake or the children they leave behind.

I'm not different from my daughter stepping out into a huge uncertain future or my mom stepping into her death.

And I'm also not different from the humans whose policies,

Whose politics,

Whose power make the earth unsafe or who make war.

You know,

Pema says,

Not different from even the cruelest humans,

That we all feel the same pain.

And then she says,

Without realizing it,

We continually shield ourselves from the pain that we share with others because it scares us.

We put up protective walls made of opinions and prejudices and strategies,

Barriers that are built on a deep fear of being hurt.

And she says that these walls are further fortified by emotions of all kinds,

Anger,

Craving,

Indifference,

Jealousy and envy,

Arrogance and pride.

So I know my fear hides behind those protective walls,

Those walls of opinions and prejudices and strategies,

My political opinions,

My prejudices in favor of protecting my family,

My people above others,

My strategies for keeping myself and my family safe,

Safe from missiles and hurricanes,

But also safe from too much exposure to those who are experiencing these things.

Why?

Because as Pema says,

My walls are built on a deep fear of being hurt and of my family being hurt.

And I'm afraid of how it will feel to be hurt,

Of how it will feel to feel the pain that I share with others,

Because if I feel that shared pain and don't know how to help or can't help,

I'll feel inadequate or ineffective or overwhelmed,

Maybe the biggest fear of all,

Because then I'll start weeping and never stop.

So if any of this is resonating,

You know,

Then we know where we're starting,

Right?

We know this place because it's a common place,

It's common ground,

And it's a good starting place.

It's the place that scares us and it's the place from which we can practice being a warrior or becoming a warrior,

Although I think we already are.

So being a warrior and a warrior who is fierce and wise and compassionate and also scared to death.

Thank you for listening.

Let's sit.

So finding your,

Your posture for today,

The posture that most supports you.

And if it's useful and feels safe to you,

You can take one hand and place it on the heart.

You can take another hand and place it on the belly and just feel the body breathing.

Just start by feeling the body breathing,

The chest rising and falling,

The sensation on the hand of the chest rising and falling,

Or the sensation in the chest.

Feeling the earth beneath your feet or beneath your seat,

Even if it's several stories down.

Feeling the earth,

Feeling your connection to the earth,

Sensing the,

The earth as refuge,

Your sensation of having a few moments of refuge,

If it does feel like refuge to you right now.

If the hand is on the heart,

Maybe tapping in the heart space gently,

Taking a moment to be compassionate with yourself or whatever experiences you may be having right now that are difficult,

Whether they're very personal or whether they are interpersonal or whether because of what's happening in the world,

Anywhere in the world,

Or more than one of those three things.

All of those three things could be.

Knowing that you're,

You're doing your best,

Standing in the fire of things,

Standing in the midst of whatever you're standing in the midst of and just continuing to breathe and to tap the hand on the heart if that feels supportive.

Maybe considering that we're all just,

We're all just here for a minute and it's not necessarily an easy minute and yet here we are together and that's not a small thing.

And maybe in these last few breaths of our sit together,

Having the intention of sending the compassion that you have for yourself out into the world to all beings who are suffering.

May all beings be safe.

I see you.

It's difficult.

May all beings be safe.

Thanks everyone for being here on the wake up call.

It's nice to see you all.

Take care.

Be safe out there.

I'll see you.

Oh,

I may not see you next week.

I'll send a note.

I may be on a plane so we may have next week off.

I'll send a note.

Take care everybody.

Love you all.