Getting To Know My Demons

Who are your scariest demons? Mine are the people who scare me in the courtroom, in the conference room, on the news, on the ballot. 

Those are my scariest external demons, but my scariest internal demons are different. Or maybe there’s only one: fear. But not fear itself: fear of the world’s pain and suffering. Or more accurately, fear of how it might feel to step into the midst of that pain and let it touch me.

I mean, I can step in and not let it touch me. I have great defenses. But letting that pain touch me? For me, I think that’s the scariest thing.

And so, maybe it’s time to go there. Because if that’s my scariest thing, I’d better.

Are you coming?

Transcript

Hey,

Everyone,

It's Judy Cohen,

And this is Wake Up Call 425,

And I want to talk about demons.

So I wasn't a kid who had monsters under my bed,

But I did have this wallpaper.

In my childhood room,

I had this wallpaper that would move at night in a kind of a sinister way.

It had these giant pink and purple flowers,

And they would become kind of demon-like.

They would expand,

And they would move around the walls and make kind of creepy noises,

And I would watch them get bigger and more menacing,

And then as I drifted off,

They'd be shifting and changing,

And they'd be making those weird sounds,

And they weren't exactly scary,

But they weren't friendly,

And sometimes I can still see them.

And when I close my eyes,

I can still see them.

And when I close my eyes now,

And I never told anyone,

I didn't even tell my mom,

Because I didn't want anyone saying I was making it up because,

Well,

Because I knew I wasn't.

So I still have demons,

Even though I don't have that wallpaper anymore,

And my big demon these days is fear.

Sometimes it makes sinister noises,

But more often it just arises when I thump up against pain.

Pain.

That's too much to bear.

And the children talks about this in Chapter 8,

The first chapter on compassion in The Places That Scare You.

She says,

Compassion practice is daring.

It involves relaxing and learning to allow ourselves to move gently towards what scares us.

The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion,

To let fear suffer.

Soften us rather than harden into resistance.

So I feel like as lawyers,

We have a lot of opportunities to practice moving gently towards what scares us.

And instead,

We are taught to tighten or to harden.

You know,

I mean,

After all,

It's an adversary or aversive system.

Same root,

Right?

And what most of us have learned,

And those of us responsible for legal education and training have also may be taught.

It's how to be the kinds of warriors who unsheathe our swords and strike,

Because the object is to win.

Chances are we haven't had the opportunity to explore or haven't been taught or haven't taught or modeled or mentored,

If we're in those roles,

How to how to move gently at all.

Something of a prosecutor.

She's supposed to be as aggressive as possible.

The dominant legal culture says the defense is her demon.

Maybe.

Yes,

Because they're adversaries,

But also maybe to blind her from seeing the defendants humanity or take a defender.

Same thing.

But the goal is not seeing the humanity of the prosecutor and instead demonizing her.

In civil matters,

Not different person on the other side isn't smart.

Opposing counsel can't write.

Judge is biased.

All of them are demons.

Immigration work,

ICE and the courts are the demons.

Family law,

Other side is the monster,

You know,

And so on.

Because to see their humanity is to literally not be able to relate to them as an enemy,

As a demon.

To see their humanity,

It means automatically we're going to care,

Which is too scary because it might mess up our case.

To see them.

To see their.

Suffering to move gently towards them.

What kind of adversary system would we have then?

How effective would we be then?

And so we other each other.

We're aversive or we back away in fear.

More fundamentally,

We forget if we ever really took note that we belong to one another.

And then when we forget that.

Or we forget how to recollect that,

Then how can we truly care?

And yet,

And yet we do not,

I mean,

Sometimes we care,

But we do belong to one another.

We're aware of what's going on halfway around the world as clearly as we are aware of what's going on down the hall.

We're aware that they're,

But for fortune,

Good or bad,

You know,

That person in battle could be us.

That person winning the Nobel prize could be us.

That woman.

Dancing that man in despair,

The homeless child.

The immigrant at sea,

All of them could be us.

And when we look inside and see our own suffering and our own potential,

It matches up,

It matches up in small ways.

It matches up in big ways.

And we can see our,

At least I'll speak for myself.

I can see with my own eyes,

With my own heart that I'm just not different,

No matter how differently I look or speak or dress.

I can see with my own eyes,

With my own heart that I'm just not different,

No matter how differently I look or speak or dance or pray.

So I can see this,

But it can feel theoretical,

Just like on a theoretical level.

I know I'm not different from anyone else standing in a courtroom or conference room,

But how to really take this in.

And I would say through our bodies,

Right?

That first foundation of mindfulness,

Kate Johnson,

Who's a meditation teacher at Spirit Rock Meditation Center.

She writes,

As we pay attention to the dance of sensation across the field of our awareness from moment to moment,

Fear and sadness sometimes present themselves to be known and healed,

Whether or not we have invited them.

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