Four Ways To Be Still In Difficult Moments

When something or someone upsets me, I’m quick to blame. I’m slower to remember to simply sit still, with upset, anger, fear, or sorrow.

When I’m upset, sometimes I think I’m the only one who feels like I do, or who’s having the problems I’m having. But that’s never the case: everyone gets upset, frustrated, bummed out, and scared, at some point or other.

When I can remember that, and learn from it – meaning, learn from the difficult moments – things feel lighter. I take things less personally. I remember we’re all in this together, and that everything changes. I can begin to notice when sadness gives way to gratitude, and anger to compassion.

If there’s a difference between easy and easeful, then I’d say, learning, remembering, and noticing are not easy. But when I do them, I land in a more easeful place. The effort feels worthwhile.  

(To the grads and to those speaking out on all sides:may all beings be safe, filled with compassion, and live with ease.)

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen,

And this is Wake Up Call 420,

No,

442.

And as usual,

Pema Chodron has a powerful teaching for us.

This time,

Chapter 20 of The Places That Scare You,

And this is advice which she says comes from Tibetan masters of the 11th century.

What those masters said,

And what Pema shares in modern terms,

Is that the most straightforward advice on awakening is to practice not causing harm to anyone,

Including ourselves,

And then every day do what we can to be helpful.

Which is great,

Except when the going gets rough,

And that's what she names the title of this chapter,

When the going gets rough,

And especially when the stakes are high.

And whether that's at work,

In the law,

Or whether that's at home,

What I notice is that even though I don't want to cause harm to anyone,

Including myself,

I feel provoked,

And I may be aware of it,

And I may not.

And then my old friends' defensiveness and aggression show up,

And they cause harm.

Someone offends me,

Or does something I consider less than brilliant,

And I get anything from slightly irritated to snarky,

To letting fly a true poison arrow before I even know it.

So Pema says we should do just the opposite when the going gets rough.

She says we could use some fundamental instruction on how to lighten up and turn around our well-established habits of striking out and blaming.

And so as for that how,

That fundamental instruction,

Pema offers these four methods for what she calls holding our seat.

So the first method is don't set up the target for the arrow.

Don't set up the target for the arrow.

And I really love how poetic the teachings can be.

So don't set up the target for the arrow,

And here's how that works.

Something provokes me.

If I diagram what happens,

First,

You know,

The moment feels bad to me,

And I don't like that feeling because I want my life or my day or at the very least that moment to be pleasant and not unpleasant.

And then that means that reflexively I have this urge to want that provocation to stop.

So the traffic slows,

It feels unpleasant,

I get frustrated,

I want it to speed up.

Or my partner says something,

It lands with a thud,

I want him to take it back or apologize.

Or someone takes issue with something I've done at work,

It feels alarming,

I have the urge to defend myself,

I probably do.

Or I say or do something cringy because,

You know,

Let's face it,

It's me I'm the most critical of.

It feels terrible and I'm disappointed in myself.

Or sometimes to the point where I just can't even bear it.

And so I get upset.

I get frustrated or angry or aggressive or passive aggressive or snarky,

You name it.

And immediately I want this thing to change,

This thing that provoked me,

Which is human nature and not just human nature,

But the nature of being a lawyer,

Right?

Because we're trained to do something when something doesn't feel right or sit right for us or with our clients.

And at this point,

There are two paths.

And one is the path of blame.

So I make the person or the thing that feels like the cause of my upset into the target and I shoot.

I get mad at the traffic,

The partner,

The person who takes the issue with me,

Myself,

Which fits right into and or maybe it reinforced the way we live our lives in the law,

Right?

Surrounded by conflict.

So,

You know,

I go straight into battle with the target.

Things are unpleasant.

I don't want that.

So I whip out my arrow,

I knock it,

I draw back and I get ready to left fly.

That's one path.

The other path.

And that's the habitual path.

The other path is is Pema's method one,

Which is sit still.

Sit still in the,

For me at least,

It's sometimes very uncomfortable unpleasantness of the moment.

The unpleasantness of frustration or fear or anger and wanting to set up a target and shoot at it.

Sit still and experience the body as it's sending steam out of its ears,

Right?

And not just sit,

But get interested in the anger,

The fear,

The sorrow,

The steam.

Get to know it.

And don't argue with it.

You know,

Honor that this too is a moment.

And other than that,

Don't say or do anything at all.

Hold our fire.

Pema says,

Remember that we set up the target and only we can take it down.

And that if we hold our seat when we want to retaliate,

Even if it's only briefly,

We start,

We are starting to dissolve a pattern of aggression that will continue to hurt us and others forever if we let it,

Right?

So that's how big this is,

Right?

So so that's the first method is don't set up the target for the arrow.

Second method,

Connect with the heart.

And what that means is,

Mrs.

Pema,

Remember that the person who harms us does not need to be provoked further and neither do we.

That just like us,

Millions are burning with the fire of aggression.

We can sit with the intensity of the anger and let its energy humble us and make us more compassionate.

So for me,

This starts with something that I talk about a lot,

Which is remembering that no lawyer has never been angry.

No human has never been angry.

That even the Dalai Lama,

When someone asked him if he was still angry with Tibet,

With the Chinese for taking over Tibet,

He said,

Almost not,

Right?

It changes things when I'm buzzing with anger or fear or sorrow to to remember that learning to be more compassionate,

By definition,

It excludes trying to teach someone else a lesson.

Even if they've caused me pain,

It excludes trying to get back at one.

It's different than that.

It's about remembering that everyone has anger and fear and sorrow and that we're all just bumping up against everybody else.

And we're doing the best we can.

The bigger the circle I can draw of humans who I realized have experienced exactly what I'm experiencing,

Which is all of us,

And see our common humanity,

The easier it is for me to see that I'm not alone and that there's enough room,

There's enough space for all of us to just be doing the best we can in our room for not only the 10,

000 joys,

But also the 10,

000 sorrows.

Okay,

So that's two.

Third method,

See each difficult moment as our teacher,

Right?

So right this minute,

This anger,

This person who just said this thing,

The anger,

The person and the moment,

All of them can be teachers.

The invitation is to learn how to be with them and listen to the lessons they offer.

Lessons in how to sit still with what Pema calls edginess and discomfort.

Remembering to be self-compassionate and gentle with myself because it's not easy,

Remembering to be compassionate with everyone else because these emotions,

Living on this planet with other people,

These moments of edginess aren't easy for anyone else either.

So see the difficult moments as our teachers.

And then the fourth method is consider that we,

Others,

The anger,

Fear,

Sadness,

Even the moment,

Everything is pretty much an illusion.

I mean,

For sure I'm really feeling however I'm feeling and so are you.

But this me who is upset right now is such a changeling,

Right?

Happy one minute,

Terrified the next.

These emotions that feel so solid are really just coming and going.

So the fourth method is to consider that these moments of intense flashes of anger or pain or sorrow,

Whether they last 60 seconds or 60 years,

Are still insubstantial.

They're here and eventually gone.

Here and then gone.

And then the last thing Pema says that those 11th century Tibetan masters wanted to pass on,

They said,

Don't procrastinate.

Use the four methods immediately,

Today,

Right now.

Don't say,

I'll try this later when I have more time.

Okay,

So with that,

Let's,

Uh,

Let's sit together.

So everyone,

Uh,

Finding your posture for your meditation for today and settling in to this moment and to whatever the moment holds,

Taking a few intentional deep breaths to maybe let the body settle in even further,

Locating the breath or the sound in your environment and bringing the attention to either the breath as it flows in and out of the body or the sound as it arises and passes away,

Choosing one of those two.

And then just beginning to ride those waves of breath or sound and then gently beginning to open to whatever else is present,

Whatever the body is feeling,

Whatever emotions may be present.

So if there's discomfort,

Restlessness,

If there's frustration or concern or fear or anything,

If it's possible to welcome whatever is here in this moment for you,

Welcoming it maybe without focusing or pointing at the person who's causing the distress or the situation and just being with what is,

You know,

Resisting the impulse,

However subtle or strong,

To point outward to try to stop how this feels and how this feels,

This difficulty,

And just be with it as best you can.

And maybe this moment or there is a moment which feels just full of ease as you're watching and paying attention and see if you can summon some real gladness for that sense of ease.

And for the difficult moments,

It's both,

It's self-compassion because,

Owie,

And it's also is there some gladness for this moment as a teacher?

You know,

What's possible?

Remembering that in some ways,

How does the nursery rhyme go?

Life is but a dream.

Life is but a dream.

Thanks,

Everyone,

For being on the wake-up call.

Lovely to sit with you.

Take good care.

Have a peaceful weekend.

Be safe out there.