Ethical Choice: Something To Feel Good About

I feel like we’re trying, every day, to be kind, and ethical, and to serve well. We’re even taking the time to cultivate these qualities.

And I also feel like when we fail, it’s hard. And even harder to turn towards the situation with clarity. What gets in the way, for me, is justification and denial. And that’s when I slide backwards. Not because my “fail” is terrible, although it might be. But because I lose sight of the positive. Forget about all the goodness. And when that happens, it’s easier to make another mistake.

So what if we pay more attention to the positive when it shows up? Log it into our memories, our bodies (which keep the score)? My guess is that then, in those “oh no!” moments, the recollection of goodness will act like ballast, and it’ll be easier to turn towards the moment with courage, and clarity, and compassion. And ultimately, repair any harm (to others, and to ourselves).

Transcript

Hey everybody,

It's Judy Cohen.

It's nice to see you all.

This is WakeUpCall493.

It's nice to be back.

I feel like I was gone for a long time.

So I've been talking about Donna as part of the three trainings of Donna or Generosity and SELA or Ethics and Concentration.

And I said a bunch about generosity,

But I'll say one more thing about the benefit to the one offering Donna.

And then jump into SELA.

So we're home from this big trip and our last stop was Madrid because our oldest kid and his family moved there.

And so we were supposed to fly home on June 9th.

And then our daughter-in-law called and said,

We got our one-way ticket and we land in Madrid on June 9th.

And so we were like,

Well,

We're staying.

We're going to go to Madrid and we're going to help them.

They were arriving with,

You know,

Five suitcases and a seven-year-old and a three-year-old and an empty apartment.

So in 10 days in Madrid,

We saw one plaza and then otherwise just department stores and playgrounds.

And it was totally amazing.

You know,

It was just amazing to be able to offer that level of help and to get an apartment furnished.

I don't speak Spanish.

My partner does,

But,

You know,

Get an apartment furnished and a kitchen equipped,

Watch the grands so that the kids could do a whole lot more than even we did.

And the temperature never dipping below 90 degrees Fahrenheit,

Including at night,

It was really hot.

And the reason I'm mentioning all of this is because,

Yes,

It was Donna.

It was generous and it felt amazing.

I mean,

It wasn't about them,

Right?

I mean,

It was about them,

But,

And they were grateful that we were there for sure.

But we are so grateful to have been invited to help,

Right?

And to have been able to do that.

It's a very imprinted memory of all that work and all that joy,

You know,

Something I'm sure I'm always going to remember.

So if I had any doubts about the benefit of Donna to the giver before,

If I had those doubts,

I don't anymore.

And so then this question came up for me of,

Okay,

So what about SILA ethics?

And the same question,

You know,

Does it feel better when ethical communication,

Ethical action is happening?

And classically,

The framework for ethics is wise communication,

Wise action,

Wise livelihood,

Which I'm going to talk about another time.

These are the middle part of the eightfold path.

And the invitation is to engage in these three,

Or not just engage,

Really engage,

But to live our lives,

Practicing wise communication,

Wise action,

Wise livelihood.

And so how does it feel to do that?

So I'm first looking at how these can work.

The first two,

Wise communication and action,

Those involve for me anyway,

Moment by moment choices,

Right?

So practicing mindfulness,

It's portable.

So paying attention throughout the day and not just on the cushion in the morning.

And so I'm about to speak or write or post or take some action.

And it's when there's an effect on others,

But it's also when it's going to have an effect on myself,

Right?

And so it's setting the intention to be truthful,

Be useful,

Be kind,

Be wise,

Not cause harm.

And we know how to do that because we've worked with these qualities of mind.

We've cultivated them.

They're familiar to us.

Maybe they feel pretty robust by now,

Maybe they feel reliable.

And we can pretty much count on kindness and wisdom to show up for us if we take the time to remember to acknowledge that they're really a fundamental and powerful part of the way we move through the world at this point,

Right?

But we have to remember them.

So we take that time in the space of a breath,

In the space of breath,

We inquire of ourselves,

Is this wise?

Is this true?

Is this useful?

Is it kind?

Or is this causing harm?

Or if we've already spoken or written or posted something or done something,

You know,

And we did that before we remembered to take the breath,

Then we look at it after with clear seeing after the fact and ask,

Have I caused harm?

And if so,

Have I done my best to apologize and repair the situation,

Repair the relationship?

So my report is it feels pretty good to me.

It's not always easy,

But in the body,

Like Donna,

Sela,

Those moments when I either get it right or I'm willing to see that I didn't and make things right,

They feel good.

Ethical conduct,

Ethical words feel good.

Now,

If I don't go to the body to see what's happening and if I instead go to the mind,

Right?

The intellect,

Then I'm a little too good at turning away,

Right?

And that's either because of defensiveness or shame or a sense of justice or righteousness or whatever.

You know,

There are so many layers.

But when I forget to start with the body and how my words or actions feel right here and go straight to the mind,

I'm very good at turning away or I'm good at seeing,

But then talking myself out of being about to cause or having already caused harm.

Right?

So we set the intention to point towards wisdom,

Which includes non-harming and that builds on itself,

Right?

That's our practice.

We're cultivating this orientation and this habit of pointing our compass in that direction.

And so it builds on itself and it becomes something more habitual,

More reliable,

A trait more than a state.

And we can really begin to rely on it.

But the same in my experience anyway is true of pointing somewhere other than towards kindness or wisdom.

You know,

Especially if we talk ourselves out of having to attend to its consequences,

Right?

Attend to that sense in the body.

So if we attend to that sense in the body,

Especially of the things we're about to say or do or have just said or done or said or did some time ago.

And if we notice,

Oh,

It doesn't feel right,

Right?

It doesn't feel wise,

Right?

That has the potential to build too,

Right?

Justification can build on itself until I can justify more and more and defensiveness builds on itself until I'm so defended that nothing gets through.

So in the texts,

The instructions are to prevent the arising of unwholesome states,

Right?

These states like defensiveness and denial.

And abandon them when they do arise,

Not justify or defend them.

And to use our clarity,

Our clear seeing and our courage to do this,

Essentially use our mindfulness practice.

And likewise,

The instructions are to encourage the arising of wholesome states and to nurture them when they arise,

When they do arise.

And using the same faculties of mindfulness to do that.

All right.

And it's all because whatever we think or ponder or spend time dwelling on,

Or whatever direction we intentionally point towards becomes the inclination of the mind.

We know that.

So we incline the mind towards goodness and engage in clear seeing around moments when we cause harm,

Or we turn away and let harm reinforce itself.

So the former,

We want to do the former.

I want to do the former.

Okay.

So let's sit and maybe explore that a little bit.

So finding your seat or your posture,

If it's not sitting,

If it's standing,

Walking,

Lying down,

And closing the eyes,

If that's your practice,

Or lowering the gaze to the heart.

And maybe starting these days,

I like to start with just that delicious moment of recollection.

Oh,

This is my practice.

I get to do this.

I know how to do this.

So just enjoying that moment for a moment.

Yeah,

The joy of being still,

The joy of being silent.

And just starting with silence,

Recollecting a time out in the world when you made space for silence.

That there is wisdom in creating space for silence itself.

Sometimes it's not about what we say or do.

It's about holding space for silence,

Or being silent,

And just listening.

So recollecting that,

And really allowing that sense of goodness,

Of offering benefit,

That felt sense to arise for you.

And now recollecting a time when you said or did something really kind.

Recalling how it felt at the time,

And seeing how it feels now.

And now maybe there's a memory of having said something that was less than kind,

Or had some unintended,

But negative impact on someone,

Or maybe even an intended one.

And without any judgment,

Just checking in,

How does it feel to recall that?

And if you already repaired the situation,

Then that's great.

And how does that feel?

And if you haven't had a chance to do that yet,

Taking a look at the situation with clear eyes,

And seeing what can I do?

And however you see this unwise moment of communication,

Or this unwise thing that happened,

And you see it through the lens of all of that goodness,

All of those good intentions,

For the many,

Many,

Many times of having said and done very kind and very wise things.

And then letting all of this go,

And just coming to the breath for a few breaths.

Thanks,

Everybody.

It's really sweet to be here with you today.

Take good care.

Be safe out there.