Don't Put Yourself On Trial

How diligently are you practicing? How steady is your mind? Are these questions useful? And why do we even ask them? I was asking myself these questions all the time. Kind of relentlessly. Then a teacher asked me why I was putting myself on trial.

That's exactly what I was doing.

We do want to be diligent and we do want to steady our minds. But let's not put ourselves on trial. Or at least let's talk about that, in this episode.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 318 on September 23rd.

It's really nice to be back.

I missed you all last week.

So let's stay with chapter seven of the Dhammapada,

Which is the Arahant,

And here are two of the last few verses.

For a person who,

Like the earth,

Is untroubled,

Who is well practiced,

Who is like a lake without mud,

There is no wandering.

Calm in mind,

Speech and action,

And released through right understanding,

Such a person is fully at peace.

So first,

Sadly,

The earth is no longer untroubled.

I love the idea.

And depending on how old you are,

You'd have to be probably as old as me,

You might be able to remember back to a time when the earth seemed untroubled.

I can do that.

But even then,

It was troubled.

How long have we been poisoning the earth since the Industrial Revolution?

Or before that I was watching the Giants game last night,

Go Giants.

And there was a commercial for Roundup.

Unbelievable.

I thought that stuff was illegal.

The earth is in trouble.

So maybe we can't use that metaphor anymore.

But starting at the beginning for a person who is well practiced,

What does that mean?

Do you consider yourself well practiced?

I feel like I could do so much more.

I could sit more,

I could do more yoga,

I could sit more retreats,

My practice experience.

I feel like it's nothing compared to my teachers,

Of course.

Although it could have been if I'd been as diligent as they have been throughout their lives.

And then again,

Roshi Jones said to me recently,

Don't put yourself on trial.

And it wasn't a coincidence.

She knows I'm a lawyer.

But for me,

It's the perfect metaphor.

So maybe take a moment and ask yourself,

Am I well practiced?

And this time,

Without putting yourself on trial.

I've always thought of mindfulness as a multi leveled practice.

I see it in three levels,

Or maybe many more than three levels,

But at least three levels.

First,

I can be sitting and notice that my mind has wandered.

Then on the next level up or down,

If you prefer,

I can notice how I'm relating to the wandering mind.

And I have a little bit of agency here,

But not much.

And that's because my relationship to my wandering mind springs into being to use a very unfortunate term from ancient law school past springs into being super quickly.

This is also true in portable practice,

Right?

We notice something and almost instantaneously,

We react to it with one feeling or another.

We might feel good about it,

We might feel badly about it,

Or we might not really care.

But it's one of those basic three feelings.

And this reaction is conditioned.

The whole process is conditioned.

But this link in the chain is a place where it's easier for me anyway,

To actually see the conditioning.

So think about it,

You probably know how you generally react to your own wandering mind.

For many years,

I reacted with frustration and even exasperation.

These days,

I tend more towards a kind of like a tisk,

A gentle scolding or on a really good morning,

Just a smile.

Whatever the reaction,

It's happening because of conditioning because of our habits,

Habits of mind,

Which is good news because we can change our habits,

We can't change our habits by wishing our reaction was different or striving to make it different though.

We can change it at the next level up or down if you see it that way,

Though.

So in other words,

The mind wanders,

We notice the monitoring wandering mind,

We react,

Let's say it's me so with gentle scolding.

And now the question becomes,

How do I react or respond to the scolding?

In other words,

What condition do I want to create?

What habit do I want to create in the moment of noticing scolding is happening?

And this is where I have agency,

This is where I get to decide,

I can relate with dismay,

That scolding is happening again,

Right?

In that case,

The condition I've created is dismay or disappointment.

And that's the state of mind that I'm continuing to create or I can be unperturbed by the scolding mind.

I cannot be upset.

I cannot be disappointed.

I cannot be dismayed.

I get to actually choose this.

And if I do choose to not be upset,

Not disappointed,

Not dismayed,

Then I'm being non contentious toward my own experience.

So I may not be able to be non contentious toward the wandering mind because the reaction is too automatic.

But on the next level up,

I can be non contentious to the fact that scolding is just what happened.

Or,

As Roshi Jones said,

I can decide not to put myself on trial.

When we choose non contention,

It seems to make room for something fundamental to change.

It makes room for me to choose love and self compassion over whatever other habituated ways of relating to the frustrated mind,

The scolding mind,

The imperfect mind,

Imperfections in general.

And even though that love and self compassion are inserted into the mix in relation to the scolding,

Which is that second level,

That automatic level,

And not yet in relation to the wandering mind,

Which is the first level,

They trickle down or up if you're seeing it that way,

So that over time,

As we undertake an intentional and for me difficult but really yummy process of loving the wandering mind and loving the frustrated because it's wandering mind,

Eventually the frustration dissolves.

And I can say this because it happened for me.

Frustration dissolved into scolding and sometimes dissolves into smiling.

So when we don't put ourselves on trial,

We're also not occluding our lives.

We're examining and relating to what we see with gentle but committed intention,

Instead of trying to whip ourselves into shape like we would if we were putting ourselves on trial.

We're breathing out kindness.

We're letting the snow inside the snow globe settle.

We're cultivating a mind that is clear,

Like a lake without mud,

As the verse says.

To me,

This is the state of no more wandering,

Or at least much less wandering.

So that the idea,

The practice of being calm in mind,

Speech and action and released through right understanding,

That makes perfect sense,

In the sense that yes,

Such a person is fully at peace.

We just have to watch out,

Not to cultivate contentiousness rather than peace.

Because we just can't get there by putting ourselves on trial.

Maybe we can try mediation instead of going straight to trial.

Or maybe we can try some restorative justice,

Instead of doing battle with our own wandering,

Frustrated,

Scolding minds.

Or maybe we can just let go a little bit more,

Understand a little bit more,

Love a little bit more,

And maybe then the mud will clear.

Taking a posture that's supportive for you.

Taking a supportive posture that is both relaxed and upright.

And just letting the nervous system settle,

Letting the snow in the snow globe settle.

Connecting to the earth,

This not untroubled earth.

Connecting to each other and to everyone else in whatever space you're in and whatever space you're in.

Connecting with everyone on this beautiful troubled blue planet.

Connecting with each other and to everyone else in whatever space you're in.

And if you notice your heart opening a little bit as you do that,

As you connect,

Turn that love inwards as well.

And that open heartedness towards yourself as well.

All speaking at once.

The classical texts say that you could search the whole world over and never find anyone more worthy of love than yourself.

Equally worthy,

But not anyone more worthy.

You can search the whole world over and never find anyone more worthy than yourself.

You can search the whole world over and never find anyone more worthy than yourself.

You can search the whole world over and never find anyone more worthy than yourself.

You can search the whole world over and never find anyone more worthy than yourself.

So if the mind is wandering or when the mind wanders,

Notice what your relationship is to the wandering mind.

And if you can relate to it with kindness,

That's wonderful.

And if that's not the automatic reaction,

Then can you relate to whatever that automatic reaction is with kindness and see if you can let that trickle down,

Trickle in.

So if you can relate to that,

Then you can let that trickle down,

Let that trickle down,

Let that trickle down.

Yeah.

You you Thanks everyone for being on the wake-up call today I hope you have a great Thursday stay safe out there.

Have a good weekend.

I will see you next Thursday