Can We Ever Truly Forgive?

For me, forgiveness is possible in many cases but in this heart, not all. Not all, yet, anyway.

I wish I could forgive the people who caused me grave harm. Because not doing that feels like allowing something to fester.

Underneath not-forgiving, I can feel dread. But about what? That not-forgiving is hurting me, or someone I love? That the people who caused me harm didn’t know, and so obviously merit forgiveness? That they knew but didn’t understand what a terrible thing they were doing, and so at least deserve the benefit of the doubt?

At the very least, I can forgive myself for not forgiving. Maybe you can do that, too, if forgiveness is challenging for you. It’s a start.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 431.

Happy February 29th,

Happy leap day.

Today I want to talk about forgiveness,

Which for me can actually be a bit of a leap,

So maybe it's appropriate.

Pema Chodron says,

In the places that scare you,

That forgiveness is part of the bodhisattva path.

That makes sense to me.

It seems like,

You know,

Such a necessary practice,

But also for me anyway,

Not easy.

And I forgot to change the title of today's email,

So it was still Working With Our Enemies and it was supposed to be,

Can We Ever Truly Forgive?

But maybe they're not so different.

The interesting thing about forgiveness is that it's so multidimensional.

We can ask someone for forgiveness.

We can offer forgiveness to someone.

We can forgive ourselves.

Starting with asking for forgiveness,

There are a few people I'd like to ask forgiveness of and I haven't.

And I feel sorry for something I said or did,

And I know I caused harm,

And there's this sense in the body that I'm familiar with,

And maybe you are too,

And arises just before I say or do something that's about to hurt someone.

It's a kind of dread.

It's a kind of sense that I shouldn't open my mouth or I shouldn't move forward with whatever I was thinking of doing.

The Pali word for this kind of dread,

Pali being the language of the ancient mindfulness texts,

Is hiri,

H-I-R-I.

When mindfulness is operating and strong,

I notice I'm about to speak or act and that my words or actions will or may cause harm.

And then right away I notice hiri,

Dread,

When again mindfulness is operating and strong.

You know,

I feel it in my chest,

A kind of almost fearfulness that I'm about to cause harm and that's a strong enough feeling to deter me.

And the deterrence arises from two concerns.

One concern is that I'll cause the harm.

The other is that I'll be ashamed when I do.

When mindfulness isn't operating or isn't strong,

Or when denial or some afflictive emotion like anger or revenge or jealousy is strong and mindfulness is weak,

The words are out of my mouth or I've taken action before I've realized it.

When that happens,

Shame arises.

The Pali word for this kind of shame is otapah.

Hiri and otapah are more accurately called moral shame and moral dread,

A sense that I'm about to do or have just done something immoral,

Unethical.

If mindfulness isn't strong and I blow past hiri and I say or do the harmful thing,

Then as a result of that same condition,

Weak mindfulness,

I may or may not notice otapah,

Moral dread,

Or I may notice it,

But quickly turn away or deny,

Right?

And if I do notice it,

I can apologize,

But I have to remember it's impossible to unring the bell.

So I need to acknowledge and not sweep under the rug that knowledge that I've hurt someone.

This is when I need to ask for forgiveness.

And I've noticed that that can be tricky too because shame may be so strong or so habitual that even if the thing I've said or done has cost only a small amount of harm,

Only a small thing,

And even if I don't turn away,

I sometimes have an impulse to not apologize because it feels like such an acknowledgement of having caused harm that I'm afraid it will generate even more shame.

And I have this aversive relationship to the shame.

For me,

This is the first place to consider self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

To consider self-forgiveness,

I have to examine my intentions.

What were my intentions when I said or did the hurtful thing?

Was I not paying attention and there were no intentions at all that I know of?

In that case,

I can forgive myself for causing harm,

Hopefully,

Because I'm human and I can have some compassion for myself as long as I do apologize,

And also as long as I remember that I need to redouble my practice of paying attention so it's more there for me on the fly as a portable practice and this doesn't happen again.

Or was I paying attention and I didn't know I was causing harm?

In that case,

It might be easier to forgive myself and it's probably easier to also ask for forgiveness.

And if all of that's true,

Forgiveness may be more forthcoming.

I may get it.

But what if I guessed I might cause harm and took the risk anyway?

Or what if I knew I would cause harm and did it anyway?

And I'm thinking about being a lawyer.

If I guessed and I was gambling with someone else's feelings or gambling with not getting caught or gambling with not getting called out,

For me,

That feels like a personal ethical breach.

And I'm saying this knowing that sometimes that's the way it is as a practicing lawyer.

But once I see it and I know I should have checked in with the person first rather than leaving it to chance,

For example,

I can still forgive myself,

But self-compassion is probably the more powerful tool and I need it because I feel like I've really messed up big time and I might not be forgiven if I ask,

Which I definitely need to do.

I need to fess up and I may not get that forgiveness and I'll need to live with it.

And the world is not always a forgiving place.

And in another person's eyes,

The person whom I wronged,

Forgiveness may not even be appropriate.

And if I knew I was about to cause harm and did it anyway,

I need to spend some significant time on the cushion investigating aversion in this mind and heart,

Dedicating myself to really being diligent about rooting it out with kindness,

Sure,

With self-compassion,

But,

You know,

With a lot of diligence.

What are they saying?

Practice as if there's a snake in my lap,

Emma says,

Right?

And I also probably need to speak with a teacher,

You know,

If I knew I was about to cause harm and did it anyway.

So how is this resonating?

And all of this begs the question of why forgiveness is so important,

Right?

Because we need to know that.

And for me,

It's because carrying around shame when I've caused harm or resentment in the case of feeling injured by someone else feels terrible to me.

It feels like the ancient simile of carrying around hot coals and expecting the other person to get burned.

And then there's the category of people who have caused me great harm.

I hope you don't have anyone in your life like that.

But if you do,

I'll say there have been a couple of people like that in mine.

There's been some bigger stuff.

And I wish I could report that I've found ways to forgive them all,

But I haven't.

I hope to someday have that intention because I can feel those burning coals.

But what I do know is that to do that,

I'm going to need to get underneath the pain.

I'm going to need to look courageously with grace at whatever the deeper wound is and then stay with it for as long as it takes for it to heal with a lot of self-compassion.

You know,

Because in the cases of deep injuries,

Traumas,

Intergenerational trauma,

What else can we do but turn towards it and be with it with a real abundance of self-compassion?

And of course,

Work with a therapist or another professional.

Do that,

Please,

By all means.

But the mindfulness instruction is that,

As I understand it,

Is that if we are committed wisely or even if we are committed wisely to never seeing or being anywhere near the person again,

And that,

Again,

May be the wisest thing,

That we still need to learn how somehow to be with the wound,

To be with the pain,

The deepest self-compassion we can muster for a day,

For a decade,

Maybe for our whole life.

I don't know yet.

But with the loving intention to one day feel safe enough to open the heart and to forgive.

So let's sit.

So taking a comfortable posture that is supportive of you right in this moment.

Taking a few deep breaths,

Especially if you feel like there's anything that needs to be calibrated after considering someone in your life who maybe has caused you harm or some time in your life when maybe you caused harm.

And if your conscience is clear and your history is clear,

Then right now,

I would say,

Just bring up some gladness,

You know,

And sit with that gladness.

Because there's nothing more important than lifting up the gladness that we have when we know that we are living a skillful life,

That we have acted with wholesome intentions and actions.

So in other words,

Don't don't look for something.

Don't go looking for trouble.

And if there is something that you have said or done that you want to forgive yourself for.

And you want to work with that,

Then we can do that now.

Or if there is someone who you want to forgive.

And you don't have a way to do that yet.

Or you're not even sure that's the wise thing to do.

Then we can work with that and we'll just work with self-compassion for a few minutes.

So taking the hand and placing it on the heart,

If that's accessible to you and you're in a space where that feels appropriate and safe.

And beginning to just tap gently at the heart space,

Activating the autonomic nervous system and sending a basic sense of well-being to the body.

And then calling to mind the person you want to forgive,

And that may be yourself.

And that may be someone else.

Or the sense of wondering if you should forgive someone,

But not feeling forgiving or even knowing if that's appropriate.

That sense of maybe clenchedness or it might be stuckness.

Calling that to mind,

Calling it to your attention.

It's already there in the body.

Bringing your attention to it.

And just saying to yourself,

This is a difficult thing.

This is a difficult situation.

There is harm.

There was harm.

May I forgive myself.

For causing harm or for not being able to forgive someone else.

This is just how it is right now.

May I forgive myself for causing harm or for not being able to forgive someone else.

I am human.

These things happen and I'm not alone.

I'm human and these things happen.

We're all in this together.

May all beings be safe.

May I be safe and may all beings be safe.

Thanks for being on the Wake Up Call,

Everyone.

Be safe out there.

Enjoy the leap day.

See you next week.