Apology And Forgiveness

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. L’shana tova!
It’s a celebratory day, but it’s also a time for contemplation:
a time to consider any harm we’ve caused, apologize, and ask for forgiveness.



From a mindfulness perspective, this invitation is always present.
In each moment, we know how to look, and see, whether we’re causing harm,
remember the consequences of doing that,
and back away or, if it’s too late, apologize.

It’s easier for me to write those words than to do the work.
And when I don’t, my conscience bothers me.
I don’t feel great about my day. Regret creeps in. And I don’t sleep well.

So today I’m going to apologize to some folks and ask for forgiveness.
 Please join me.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 460.

And the title of today's Wake Up Call is Apology and Forgiveness.

And when I wrote my notes for today's call,

I was thinking about the world in this moment.

And I was also thinking,

I guess I'm still thinking about maybe all moments throughout history have presented us with this challenge of apology and forgiveness.

And the big reason I was thinking about apology and forgiveness is that today is Rosh Hashanah,

The Jewish New Year.

And for our tiny tribe,

Jews make up about two and a half percent of humans.

It's also the beginning of what are called the high holidays or high holy days,

The days of awe.

Today,

The first of those days is traditionally a day of celebration.

We go to synagogue,

There's apples and honey,

There's a picture of apples and honey family.

The Hebrew greeting is L'shanah Tovah,

May you have a good year,

May you have a sweet year.

From now until sundown,

10 days from now on Yom Kippur,

Next Saturday,

And actually for the whole month preceding Yom Kippur.

So for the 40 days leading up to the end of the high holidays or high holy days is a period called Teshuva,

Or it's sometimes pronounced Chuva.

And Chuva translates as returning.

So returning to what in Judaism is called the path of righteousness,

Or you could say from a mindfulness perspective,

Returning to wholesomeness,

To the goodness that resides in our hearts and that sometimes needs a reminder or some training to awaken or to show up.

The practice of Chuva is similar to,

I think,

The practice of discernment in mindfulness.

So discernment practice has these four elements.

The first one is to make these five commitments,

To not cause any harm,

To not take what isn't ours or isn't freely offered to us,

To be ethical at all times with all beings and with the earth,

To communicate kindly to all beings and about all beings and with respect to the earth,

And also to not allow our minds or our hearts to be clouded by any intoxicants that might impair or maybe even impact our ability to live into the first four commitments.

Okay,

So that's the first element or step of discernment practice.

And then the second step is to remember that it is kind of a motivator to remember that everything we say and do matters.

So it really spotlights the importance of the first step and lifts up the consequences of breaking any of those five commitments because if we do that,

The ripple effect is really powerful and unknowable and it goes on and on.

The third element of discernment practice,

Third step,

Is something called heedfulness.

And it's really an invitation to pay attention before,

During,

And after we say or do anything.

And that includes in relationship to ourselves.

And then to determine without any sentimentality or defensiveness or justification,

But not without self-compassion,

Whether we've broken any of the five commitments and caused harm.

And then the fourth element or step of discernment practice is reparation.

It's called reparation.

And it's about making genuine and full amends when we have caused harm.

So Chuva has these similar steps.

It has only three steps.

And the first is to name the harm we've caused.

But I'd say for me,

Before I can name that I've caused harm,

I need those first three steps of discernment practice.

I need a clear understanding of what it means to cause harm,

Which mindfulness offers in the five commitments,

Which is that first step of discernment.

I need to remember that causing harm has big and often very consequential consequences,

Terrible consequences,

Because remembering that is a big motivator.

So on a very personal moment-to-moment level,

I need to remember that everything I say and do matters to pay attention to impact and not just intention.

To paraphrase the Palestinian poet,

Naomi Shihab Nye,

I need to be able to see the size of the claw,

Right?

And I need to be heedful.

So to pay attention before,

During,

And after I communicate and act with a non-defensive,

Honest,

And open heart so I can actually see when harm happens,

See when I cause harm.

So I need those first three steps of discernment practice in order to get to the first step of Chuva,

To name the harm that I've caused.

And then the second step of Chuva is to express regret for that harm,

Or another way of saying that is to apologize.

And then the third step of Chuva is to vow not to repeat the harm and ask for forgiveness.

And for me,

That's similar to the fourth step of discernment practice,

Reparation,

And it's equally personal.

The invitation with Chuva,

As with discernment,

Is to actually walk up to the person,

Or pick up the phone,

Or get some electronic FaceTime,

Or do whatever it takes to actually stand before the person that we've harmed and name to them that we see what we've done,

We're truly sorry,

And we promise never to do it again.

And since we tend to be pretty habitual creatures,

The great Jewish scholar Maimonides says that true Chuva is having the opportunity to cause the same harm again,

Which we probably will,

And declining.

So I'm talking about discernment and Chuva with a really heavy heart,

Given what's happening in the world,

And especially in Israel,

Palestine,

Gaza,

Lebanon,

Iran,

Considering what's happening here in our country,

Politically,

And in our workplaces,

And in our families and communities,

And considering all of that,

And the impact that it has on our own hearts,

And I guess that what I would say is that my point of view is that there's far too much to apologize for,

And no apology could ever be enough,

And I have to start somewhere,

And somewhere is only ever right here and right now.

So on Monday night,

I was with the Working Group for Law and Meditation,

And it's a dozen or so of us,

And we've been practicing together every month for a really long time,

Going on 25 years with Norman Fisher as our teacher.

And for this past meeting,

Norman is really a treasure,

And if you haven't read any of his books,

I hope you will,

He invited us to consider one of the 59 slogans for training in compassion,

Which is the title of a book of his that I would recommend,

Training in Compassion,

And the slogan Norman invited us to consider is make practice your whole life,

Make practice your whole life.

So I've been sitting with that,

And with Chuva,

And discernment,

And I'm noticing that just like discernment and Chuva are not different,

Make practice your whole life also feels not different to me,

Because it simply feels like another way of inviting myself to notice when I'm breaking one of the five commitments,

And to see the potentially devastating ripple effects of doing that,

And when I've done it anyway,

To apologize and ask for forgiveness.

And for me,

You know,

This is the true challenge of this moment of our times,

To notice as humans,

As professionals,

As community members,

As citizens of a nation,

Or even as nations,

When we're breaking one of the five commitments,

When we're causing harm,

When we're taking what's not freely given,

Or behaving unethically,

Or communicating with something other than love,

Or consuming or believing anything internal or external that might cloud our minds and hearts and lead us to turn away from those first four commitments,

You know,

To notice and then to see and to really care about the consequences of doing that,

To be heedful,

And then to apologize,

And take action that amounts to an apology,

And also accept apology from others,

And also forgive.

So today,

I thought we could do a forgiveness practice together for our practice.

So just finding a comfortable posture.

Maybe this posture wants to be upright and alert for you,

Because forgiveness is going to require your full and focused attention.

Or maybe forgiveness is a practice that's already a part of your repertoire,

And it's more of a practice that you want to relax into,

Like a metta practice,

A loving kindness practice.

And in that case,

Maybe find a posture that's comfortable and relaxed,

Leaning back in your chair.

I'll do this practice in three parts.

First,

We'll ask for forgiveness.

So just consider some harm that you've caused to someone and that you'd like to ask for forgiveness for.

And maybe not the worst thing that you've ever done.

Maybe work with something small for right now,

Unless,

Again,

You have this practice.

And see how,

With the wisdom that you had at the time that you caused this harm,

You were still doing the best that you could.

And as much as you wish the situation had been different,

Or you'd had more wisdom,

This thing that you're asking for forgiveness for,

It's not going to happen.

The thing that you said or did is still just that.

It's still the thing you said or did.

And also see how,

If the same situation were to arise right now,

Things might very well be different,

Because now,

Looking back,

You feel remorse.

You're ready to ask for forgiveness.

But still,

Things were not different at the time.

And then in your heart right now,

Call this person,

Call this person to your heart,

Call this person to mind,

And ask for forgiveness.

Will you forgive me?

Can you forgive me?

Maybe this is easy,

Or maybe it's hard,

Or something in between.

But seeing if you can relax into just asking this person for forgiveness.

And if you can,

If you want to,

And it would be useful,

And if you can,

See if you can create a memory of the way that you just asked the person for forgiveness,

A memory of the actual words that arose in your heart,

And a memory that you can access later,

And use it to ask for forgiveness in real life,

In real time.

And maybe that will happen.

Now,

Let's shift to forgiveness for another person,

And think about someone who has caused you harm,

And again,

Not the person who caused you the most harm,

Some great harm that it would be difficult,

Or maybe even counterproductive to work with in such a brief practice,

But something small,

Something small that you can work with right now.

Something small that you can work with right now,

And we're building muscle here too,

Right?

We're building the heart muscle,

Really.

And see how with the wisdom that that person who caused you harm had at the time that they harmed you,

Things couldn't have been different.

They had nothing better to offer.

Maybe someday they will,

Maybe not,

But at that time,

Things could not have been different.

And say to the person,

Well,

Say to the person,

I forgive you.

Say to the person,

I forgive you.

And if that's difficult,

I know for me it's difficult,

If it's difficult for you,

Call up some self-compassion,

Maybe put your hand on your heart.

Consider maybe how it feels to not be able to forgive.

The heart might be heavy or tight.

There might be a tightness or burning sensation in the chest or the throat when you think of the person,

Or some other way,

That the body manifests whatever attitude other than forgiveness arises when you remember this harm.

And see if that perspective helps,

Thinking about a relief.

Would it be a relief?

Wouldn't it be a relief if you could just put down that hot coal and not be burned by the memory of this harm?

And then see if it's possible to circle back and say to the person in your own heart,

I forgive you.

You're welcome to take this with you out into real life as well and see if you want to reach out to this person.

And then let's shift to forgiving ourselves,

The third element of forgiveness.

Just think about something that you've said or done that you'd like to forgive yourself for.

And if nothing arises,

You know,

If you're like me,

Kind of hard on yourself and might even consider forgiveness some kind of impediment to being the kind of person you aspire to be,

Then just imagine it's your best friend or your beloved or your most loving caregiver from when you were a tiny kid or a religious figure or anyone who really,

Really loves you and ask that person to remind you right now of something that you can forgive yourself for.

And just see how with the wisdom you had at the time you said or did the thing,

Things really couldn't have been different.

Things really couldn't have been different.

But how if the same situation were to arise right now,

Things might very well be different because you have this wisdom to even look right now and to see.

And then say,

I forgive myself.

I forgive myself.

I forgive myself.

Thanks,

Everyone,

For being on the wake up call today.

Take care.

Have a sweet New Year and be safe out there.

And I'll see you next Thursday.