Epictetus On People-Pleasing And Social Pressure

A practical Stoic talk for people who leave conversations replaying what they said or bending themselves to win approval. Using Epictetus' advice in Enchiridion 33, you will examine speech, status, company and restraint through modern situations such as group chats, social media and difficult conversations. Listen when social pressure is pulling you off course, then choose one rule to practise in the next interaction.

Transcript

In this podcast, I'm going to be sharing with you Epictetus' 20 social rules. In other words, How to act in social situations, And this comes from Chapter 33 of the Stoic Handbook, The Enchiridion. I'll be providing some modern examples and some quotes. Some of this you will find probably extremely useful. Other elements or other rules you may find a bit extreme or interesting, But you have to remember that Epictetus was someone who lived the Stoic philosophy of life. He taught it. He fully embodied it. He was a Stoicism master. So, His views may differ from yours in certain ways, But nevertheless, It is at least worth exploring, Reflecting upon, And maybe trying to look for the seed of truth in what he's saying, Even if we disagree with it on a more general level. So, The first rule is pick your character and never break it. Epictetus says, Quote, Draw up right now a definite character and identity for yourself and stick to it whether you're alone or with others. So, Simply asking who am I? What am I about? What kind of person do I want to be? Maybe it's not completely who I am, But I'm going to think about the values and principles I want to live by, And I'm going to stick by it, Even if I'm on my own, Even if nobody's watching, Or even if I'm in a very busy room, Even if everyone's watching me. The idea here is that your integrity is the backbone for Stoic living. If your values change, Just like your surroundings do, You're not principled. You're performative. Epictetus wants us to define our core and remain consistent, Because only then you can take actions that serve your highest self, Not just the moment-by-moment ego. So, If you value honesty, Don't sugarcoat feedback for your boss, And then go and vent in a group chat. Be honest, Gently, Directly, Consistently. Pick your character, Never break it. Rule two, Talk less and learn more. This is easy for some of us, Maybe more on the introverted side, But some individuals, When they get a bit anxious or a bit overwhelmed, They talk more. It's almost like a defense mechanism. Epictetus says, Let silence be your goal for the most part. Speak only when necessary. Silence doesn't have to be awkward. It can be powerful. Most people constantly speak to fill space, Not to add value. Stoic listens deeply, Chooses words deliberately, And knows that speech is a tool, Not a reflex. I inserted some extra space there as I was speaking, Just to show you that you don't have to constantly fill empty space with words. Don't worry, I won't be doing that the rest of this podcast, Because I know that there's information here that you want to digest and consume, But I did it to show you, In real time, The power of silence. Speaking less makes your words and your presence more meaningful. Don't be afraid to listen. In fact, There's a book called Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, And he says that he uses this technique called mirroring when he's engaging in high stakes negotiation, Where he'll just simply mirror back the last three words of what someone said. So if someone says, You know, I want a lot of money and you're not giving me what I want, He will then say, What you want? And then the other person will go, Yeah, You know, Like I want this, I want that. So he'll just mirror back the last three words, Because he understands that connecting with the person he's negotiating with, He calls it tactical empathy, Is going to lead to the best outcomes for everyone. Fighting or opposing the other person, Needing to be the one that's dominating the conversation, Doesn't really serve anything or anyone other than your own ego. And you can do this in a small way too. So if you're in a heated meeting, Before you respond, And when you finally do speak, You can say something that brings clarity or calmness, Not more chaos. If you think you're someone who likes to talk endlessly, Consciously try to manufacture conversations where you are speaking more in a 50-50 way. Think of it like a game of tennis, You know, You say your thing, The other person says their thing, And push it back and forth. Try to practice silence. Rule number three, Don't waste words. Epictetus says, Avoid idle talk about gladiators, Horses, Athletes, Food or drink. And above all, Avoid gossip. What you talk about shapes what you care about. If your conversations revolve around celebrity scandals or petty drama, Your mind will too. Epictetus urges us to rise above surface chatter and to feed our soul with meaningful ideas, Not low-grade noise. So if someone says, Oh my gosh, Did you hear what she did? You can steer the conversation to something a bit more constructive, Like, Oh, What did you take away from it? Here, I want to talk a little bit more about being precise in your speech. This rule from Epictetus also makes me think of Jordan Peterson's rule, One of his rules for life, Where he argues that a vague or imprecise language keeps problems undefined and therefore terrifying. Problems tend to fester into resentment, Anxiety, And catastrophe, Sort of like how unnamed fears in the imagination grow monstrous. When you can articulate issues clearly, You transform amorphous chaos into specific, Manageable entities. So just as you should be precise and laconic in your speaking, You should also aim for precision. The clearer that you could speak, The clearer that you will think, And the clearer that you think, The clearer you ought to be able to speak. The social rule number four, Don't lecture strangers. Instead, Lead your friends, But do so quietly. Epictetus says, Influence your friends by your example. Stay silent around strangers. Moralizing pushes people away, Whereas modeling inspires them. Epictetus tells us that if we want to help our friends, Be the role model for them. Show them firsthand how we ought to be. Don't just tell them and lecture to them how they ought to be. And when it comes to complete strangers, Just stay reserved. You don't really gain anything by telling other people you don't know well how to live. And this also applies to the online world. Stop arguing on forums. Instead, Show consistency in your actions, And then let that ripple out onto those who know you best. Rule number five, Cut the fake laughter. Epictetus says, This is a funny one actually, Do not laugh too often or too loud. This applies to the stoic virtue of temperance or self-regulation. Excessive laughter, And the keyword is excessive, Often hides insecurity or a desire to fit in. Stoics, On the other hand, Prefer authentic joy over performance. Keeping your laughter measured sharpens your emotional presence and integrity. Now, If you genuinely find something funny, Fine. The legend is that the stoic philosopher Chrysippus died from laughing too hard, Right? So there's nothing intrinsically immoral about laughing. It's just something to pay attention to. Are we laughing because we genuinely find something funny, Or is it more of a way to flatter the people that we are interacting with? And Epictetus is just saying, Don't be fake. You know, Be yourself. Rule number six, Never swear on what you can't control. So the direct quote from Epictetus is, Avoid taking oaths whenever possible. An oath is essentially a promise that you are willing to die for. This generally isn't so wise because you are going to potentially change your mind as time goes on, And you need to be flexible in your thinking and update how you see the world. And beyond that, Swearing on outcomes you don't control, So anything external, Is a trap. You know, So I take an oath to always do X. You can promise effort, Of course, But not results. So the Stoics preferred disciplined intention over hollow vows. The Stoics had this thing called the reserve clause, Which was sort of their caveat to making plans, Right? So they would obviously say, I'll meet you here, Or I'll go and do this. But they also recognized that fate has sometimes its own view, And nature has its own way of doing things. And while we can plan to do things on a day-to-day level, Because we're human, We should also recognize that we can't ultimately control everything. I can't control if my car breaks down or not on my way to come meeting you. So that they would do everything and have this idea in mind that if fate allows me to do this, I'll do it. If fortune allows me to do this, I'll do it. So my way of describing the reserve clause is simply plan, Conditions, Permitting. An oath is a bit different. An oath is a very serious commitment. Instead, We want to say, I plan to do this, Permissions committing. So I intend to do this by Friday is much better than I swear I'll get this done. Rule number seven, Avoid shallow people. Epictetus says, Quote, Avoid frequent association with the vulgar and non-philosophers, End quote. Whether we like it or not, Our company shapes our character. Spending time with people who thrive on distraction, Drama, Or vice pulls you into their orbit. Instead, We want to choose growth over noise. So there was a really interesting study done in 2020, Published in the Frontiers of Education. And in this study, They surveyed over 1000 Chinese junior high students and found that associating with deviant peers, Those engaging in behaviors like skipping class, Fighting, Or substance use, Significantly increased antisocial actions, Such as aggression and rule breaking, And decreased prosocial ones, Such as helping others. And the effects were amplified for the vulnerable migrant students. Conversely, They found that friendships with prestigious peers, High achievers, With strong academics and aspirations, Predicted more prosocial behaviors and fewer problems. This underscores the protective power of selective positive association. Humans have the power to influence you. Yes, You can influence them, But they can influence you, And sometimes in invisible ways. So choose who you associate with carefully. Rule 8, Don't let others make you worse. This is the other side. This is sort of a follow up to rule 7, But more direct. Epictetus says, A dirty companion stains even the clean. Sometimes you can't escape associating with individuals that aren't quote unquote clean, Whether that's in our work or institutions. But if we are forced to be around such people, We need to be careful. We need to actively guard against their habits seeping into us. Even a strong spirit can get dragged down by a weak environment. So if your coworkers gossip and complain, Either excuse yourself or steer it away to a different topic. Rule number 9, Need less, Own less, Live better. Epictetus says, Limit yourself to what is necessary, Avoid luxury, And display altogether. Minimalism isn't deprivation, It's liberation. When you stop chasing excess, You reclaim energy, Clarity, And peace. And Epictetus saw austerity as a form of self-respect. I'm a huge fan of the idea of essentialism, Love essentialism. It's the disciplined pursuit of less. To practice this, You can do a 30 day essentials only challenge, And then just track how much time, Money, And mental overload you save when you focus only on the category of things you need, Instead of the things that you don't need but want. This does tie into social situations because how many people live and dress to impress? How many people's entire social life is built around this idea of looking a certain way or having certain things to show the people in their neighborhood? Epictetus is saying, Quite simply, Don't do that. Own less, Need less, And live better. Rule 10. Master desire before it masters you. He says, Stay as chaste as you can, And if not, At least keep it lawful and dignified. Lust isn't evil, But it can be dangerous when unexamined. Any strong human drive can get you into trouble. The Stoics would call pathé, Or as I like to call it, An error emotion. An emotion based in error. Disruptive emotion. This is a disturbance from a false value judgment. Like, I need this now or my life isn't worth living. Or this thing is going to solve all my problems. It's not quite the whole picture, Right? So, He's not saying, You know, Don't engage in relationships. He's saying, Do your best. Keep yourself to yourself. But obviously, If you aren't going to do that, I'm not saying you can't, But make sure you're dignified when doing it. I think that's common sense, But common sense is not always that common in this world. Rule 11. Don't brag about your morals. He says, Don't shame others about sex, And if you abstain, Keep it to yourself. This is all about virtue signaling. He's not a fan of that. Virtue isn't performance art. Real character doesn't need a spotlight. And Avogadro cautions us against turning personal choices into public declarations. You see this so much. A lot of people do things like meditation and journaling and charity work, But are they doing it for the right reasons? Or are they doing it so that they can be better than another person to show how interesting and unique and special they are? I had some advice before that I thought was amazing. The advice was, When you start a meditation practice, Don't even tell anyone you're meditating. Keep it to yourself. And the reason why this advice was good is because the first thing we want to do when we start meditating is to tell everyone that we're meditating. It's almost like we're getting this extra validation. Oh, Look at me. I'm doing this potentially difficult thing and focusing on my breath every day. I'm so virtuous. When you cut that away and you don't allow yourself to brag about it, Then what's left? Well, You either want to meditate for you or you don't. It's not, So that you can show off. Social rule number 12, Own the insult, Control the story. If someone speaks ill of you, Say, He could have said worse, Epictetus. You disarm critics when you agree with them. When you're immune to offense, You're free. Stoics don't defend their egos, They transcend them. I really like this method called the EEL method, Embrace Exaggerate Laugh. I got it from Julian Blanc. And it's a really effective method. It's essentially this. If someone calls your name or tries mocking you, Don't disagree and fight against it. Essentially say, Yeah, I know, You know, I embrace it, Exaggerate. I'm even worse than you think and make it a comedy in your mind. When you do this, The individual has no power over you. When you own the insult, You control the story. You fight against the insult, You resist it. Now you're giving your power away to the other person because now they've upset you. If you're interested, I have a bunch of talks on receiving insults as a stoic that you can check out. Number 13, Be a fan, Not a fanatic. Epictetus says, At public games, Be neutral. Wish only for what happens to happen. Getting too attached to outcomes you can't control, Like sports, Breeds unnecessary suffering. You can watch, You can enjoy, But stay grounded. I personally love watching certain fights, Like boxing and MMA. I find it very enjoyable. I love to see the athleticism of it. And sometimes I root for a certain individual or not, But ultimately what I really love is performance. The art itself, The martial art wins. So it's fun to see it as a game when you invest in a winner or a loser, But over attachment is not good. It doesn't help you. It's not character good. So if your team loses, Don't rage post. Praise something admirable about the opponent. Number 14, Vet your mentors. Attend lectures seriously, But don't go lightly or too often. Not every teacher deserves your time. In Epictetus' vallage, Discretion in learning. So go deep with a few mentors rather than shallow with many. So before joining another mastermind or course ask, Is this actual insight that I'm going to be getting or just hype? So yeah, Basically pay very close attention to who you're going to be learning from. And then when you've decided that the person you're learning from is the right kind of person for you, You think, Yes, I endorse this person. I think this is the teacher that I need in my life. I guess the fact that you're listening to this podcast is a good sign that you've vetted me, Hopefully. And then yeah, If you vet someone and you think that they're the right person to learn from, That's when you go deep into their work and that's the idea here. So yeah, If anyone in a social situation tries to force you to learn from them or for them to be a mentor, Just exercise caution. Rule 15, Channel a hero before big moments. Epictetus says this, When meeting someone important, Imagine what Socrates or Zeno would do. To bring to mind a role model here. Modeling great minds calms nerves and uplifts action. Invoking a personal hero grounds your behavior in virtue. And there's actually science to support this, Which is pretty crazy. There was research done by Shi, Ptinsky, And Ambady in 1999, Where female undergraduates were primed to imagine themselves in the role of a competent professor, Which activated associations with intellectual authority and expertise, Before taking a difficult math test, And they showed significantly improved scores compared to controls. It's crazy to think that they've actually found that just thinking about a professor can mitigate anxiety and boost performance under stereotype threat. The effects are stronger when you value the archetype that you're drawing upon. So Epictetus clearly looks up to Socrates and Zeno. So find someone that you look up to, A philosopher, A thinker, And then model what they would do in that situation. So you might be about to do a job interview and you can ask, How would Marcus Aurelius carry himself right now? 16. Expect rejection and show up anyway. Epictetus says, Prepare for doors to be shut, Time wasted, People to ignore you. Still go if it's the right thing to do. This is setback rehearsal or premeditatium allurem, Sometimes called premeditation of adversity. When you prepare for setbacks, It protects your peace. Stubborks rehearse adversity and then act anyway. It strengthens their resilience. Remember, It's not about the external outcomes. The conditions are either helpful or hard. What we care about is, Does this improve our character or harm our character? Doors being shut, Time being wasted, People ignoring us does not harm our character. We have the power to do that by how we act. And so we go if it's quote, The right thing to do, Because we want to do the right thing that is good for our character. So if you are about to meet a dream client, Pitch them saying no. That way, The yes is a bonus, Not a crutch that you become overly attached to. Rule 17. Stop talking about yourself. Epictetus says, Don't dwell too long on your own adventures. Others won't enjoy them just because you do. Being interesting starts with being interested. Humility listens. Vanity monologues. Epictetus reminds us to prioritize connection over ego. Epictetus is precise here though. He says, Don't dwell too long. He doesn't say don't talk about your adventures or tell stories. The key phrase is, Don't dwell too long. That's different. Self-disclosure is an important form of connection. You don't want to only be asking questions. You want to ask a question and then share something about yourself, Then ask a question, Share something about yourself. One framework is the acknowledge compliment ask framework. Acknowledge what the other person says and feels, Point out something interesting or good about what they're talking about, And then ask a question back. But in this acknowledging part, That's when you can speak about your own life, Your own experiences. Unfortunately, Some individuals, They feel so good and giddy when they talk, They can't control it. It's almost like a drug-like experience to them to have the attention on them, As opposed to not. Rule 18. Don't try to be funny. Epictetus says, Avoid trying to be amusing. It leads to vulgarity and makes others think less of you. Humor has a place, But chasing laughs often leads to self-betrayal. The goal here is to be real, Not performative. The stoic voice is steady, Not silly. This is obviously a nuanced one because humor is quite an important social aspect for human beings and Epictetus was also quite humorous himself, As was Socrates. The key though is that they weren't indulging in a sort of vulgar humor just to get laughs, Just being obscene for the sake of being obscene. Their humor came from their actual authentic personality. So if you're speaking in a way that is authentic and is making yourself amused and giving yourself a good time without forcing you to lapse into vice, Then that is fine. And again, This is for adults only. When one is a child, They're allowed to be a child, They're allowed to be silly. So the idea here is say what you mean and say it with confidence and don't camouflage your intentions. Social rule 19, Clean up your language. Epictetus tells us to avoid profanity. He says if someone swears, Show discomfort by silence or a stern look. That kind of makes me laugh, A stern look as the immediate response to a swear word. So Epictetus came from a different culture from us, So this rule might not be completely applicable here, Or maybe it will be. But the idea, If you break it down, Is that words shape our thoughts. The language we use, As we've seen, Is very important. And if you use crude language, That delves clarity. The Stoics tend to speak with a sort of discipline. Don Robertson says that Marcus Aurelius spoke in a laconic way. This just means using very few words. It's a concise or terse speech or writing, And it comes from the ancient Greek region of Laconia, The home of Sparta, Where people were known for their brevity. So the Spartans didn't dress things up. So a laconic reply might be yes, Instead of a long explanation where you overshare. This links obviously to rule 3, Which is don't waste words, But there's more of an emphasis here on the types of words that you use. And for the final rule, Rule 20, Correct quietly or not at all. Epictetus says if someone is vulgar, Don't echo them. Disagree silently or with a glance. Not every error needs a lecture. Disapproval doesn't require drama. Sometimes silence is the sharpest signal. So in the real world, If someone makes an inappropriate joke, Maybe it's the pause and the stillness that you embody that says more than words ever could. You can learn to master your body language here, And communicate not just with your words, But through your body, Through what you don't say. So here are the rules. I'm going to just read them out again, But this time as I read them out, I want you to feel into what you already do well, And what you currently don't do so well, And which rules you'd like to practice. Because these rules are not meant to be just forms of entertainment that you listen to on a podcast, But they're meant to ultimately transform how you relate to other people and to yourself in the social environment. So find a few that you can start practicing this week, And then every so often you can come back to this episode and find some new to work with. So here are the rules. 1. Pick your character, Never break it. 2. Talk less, Learn more. 3. Don't waste words. 4. Don't lecture strangers, Lead your friends quietly. 5. Cut the fake laughter. 6. Never swear on what you can't control. 7. Avoid shallow people. 8. Don't let others make you worse. 9. Need less, Own less, Live better. 10. Master desire before it masters you. 11. Don't brag about your morals. 12. Own the insult, Control the story. 13. Be a fan, Not a fanatic. 14. Vet your mentors. 15. Channel a hero before big moments. 16. Expect rejection, Show up anyway. 17. Stop talking about yourself. 18. Don't try to be funny. 19. Clean up your language. 20. Correct quietly or not at all. I hope you enjoyed some of these social rules from Epictetus. By me sharing these, It's not me saying that this is how you should socialize. I think it's fair to say that while human beings have been pretty consistently the same across millennia, Culture has not. Culture is ever-evolving and ever-changing. So what? Even in the modern world, Different cultures have different social rules, Different countries have different etiquettes, And that's fine. That's to be expected. That's what makes us interesting. That said, It's still important to listen to what Epictetus says here and see if there's anything in principle that we can try to embody, Try to live by, And think about to become better, Wiser, People more aligned with excellence. And by excellence, I mean virtue. Hope you enjoyed this episode and I will see you again here soon. Take care.

Reviews

So interesting in this world of social media where everyone has an opinion on everything and feels the need to share!

Love this, thank you! (I just read the description and it doesn’t quite match the presentation I listened to.)

Excellent advice. Thanks for sharing your knowledge with me. There is much wisdom in these practices.