3 Essential Skills For Better Conversations

Clear, skillful communication is the foundation of strong relationships and inner peace. In this episode, we explore three essential pillars of effective communication, drawing from the CIT model (Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy) and timeless Stoic wisdom. Learn how to navigate conversations with clarity, set healthy boundaries, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Whether you're looking to improve personal or professional relationships, this episode provides actionable strategies to help you communicate with confidence, wisdom, and emotional balance.

Transcript

Welcome everyone.

Today we will delve into some profound concepts and practices to improve our relationships and more generally our inner world,

Drawing from the CIT model,

Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy,

And we'll be incorporating these ideas with the wisdom of Stoic Philosophy.

First I want to introduce you to the CIT model created by Dr.

David Burns,

An innovator in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy,

Also known as CBT.

CBT itself was inspired by Stoic Philosophy and the core idea is that our twisted thoughts cause our emotional problems.

By untangling these thoughts we reduce our suffering.

Epictetus said it is not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters,

And this is the central idea in CBT.

It emphasizes the power of our thoughts over our emotions.

Now when it comes to the principles of CIT there are three main ideas.

1.

We provoke and maintain the relationship problems we complain about.

2.

We deny our own role in these conflicts because self-examination is too painful.

3.

We have more power than we believe to transform our troubled relationships.

It's a kind of radical idea that the things that we complain about in other people in our relationships are in some sense being provoked and maintained by us.

Now at first this will be a difficult pill to swallow.

Why?

Because of principle 2.

We deny our own role in these conflicts because self-examination is too painful.

But the third principle is actually very good.

If we can get past the first two we end up with more power and the ability to actually transform our troubled relationships.

So let's start with a reflection exercise.

Sit comfortably,

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

And allow your mind to wander over your closest relationships.

Think about any conflicts or issues you have.

And recognize that you might be playing a role in these problems.

Seneca said that he who is brave is free.

So be brave in acknowledging your role here.

Explore how you may actually provoke in subtle ways the problems that you complain about.

If these problems suddenly went away would you feel a vacuum?

Would you do subtle things to try and bring them back?

You may think on the surface you wouldn't.

But familiarity is often preferred to happiness.

That's why a lot of us would rather be comfortable than great.

Now our twisted thoughts according to the model of CPT cause much of our emotional pain.

For example the distortion of mind reading is common when we assume we know what other people think.

And then this leads to social anxiety and aversion making us want to avoid situations based on unfounded assumptions.

So we go to a party and then we presume that we know what other people are thinking.

It's often bad so we feel social anxiety.

But we never question the distortion.

The distortion that we are mind reading and we don't actually have direct access to the thoughts of other people.

So it's always worth being aware of these kinds of distortions.

Are we thinking in all or nothing terms?

Are we minimizing the positive?

This is a big one.

You know someone does five nice things for you and then one thing that is questionable and you claim that this person doesn't like you and hates you.

We personalize,

We blame ourselves and other people.

All of these are distortions.

We tell ourselves we should be doing something or another person should be doing something.

Which again is a sort of distortion.

It doesn't really quite make sense the word should.

But beyond these cognitive distortions there are classic communication errors.

So I want to get into some of these errors now.

I'm going to list them out.

And as I list these out I'd like you to ask yourself which ones of these do you make the most?

So we have claiming ultimate truth.

So this is when you insist you are right.

The next one is diversion.

So you change the subject.

Another one is blame.

Pointing fingers at others or even at yourself.

Defensiveness.

So refusing to admit flaws.

Hopelessness.

Acting as if nothing can be fixed.

Martyrdom.

Acting as the innocent victim of it all.

Demandingness.

Complaining about others not meeting your expectations.

Put downs.

Criticizing others.

Denial.

Refusing any of your role in issues.

Labeling.

Simplifying someone to a negative label.

Helping and problem solving.

Offering solutions instead of actually listening.

Sarcasm.

Using mocking or ironic language.

Counterattacking.

Responding to criticism with criticism.

Passive aggression.

Using silent treatment or other indirect forms of aggression.

Scapegoating.

Blaming others entirely for your problems.

Mind reading.

Assuming you know what others think or feel.

So have a think about which of these you tend to struggle with the most and then just try not to do them.

Maybe you blame people a lot.

Maybe you're just demanding and if someone doesn't meet your exact specific expectations just let it go.

It's okay.

Focus on meeting your own expectations instead.

Do you speak in disrespectful ways and use sarcasm too much?

Do you counterattack so as soon as someone comes to you with any criticism you're right there ready to fire back?

David Byrne says that if you summarize what good communication looks like,

It can be summed up as a balance of empathy,

Assertiveness and respect.

So the acronym is EAR.

So when you express empathy you understand and share the feelings of others.

Assertiveness means you clearly express your thoughts and needs and respect means you always speak respectfully regardless of the situation.

If you can just tap into these three things,

Empathy,

Assertiveness slash honesty and respect,

You won't go far wrong.

If you approach every interaction with this mindset you'll find that your relationships start to naturally get better.

So I'd even recommend that you think of a recent conflict and ask how could you apply empathy and assertiveness and respect to this.

So with empathy just imagine how they may be feeling,

What are they thinking and what are the emotions in their body.

Now validate their emotions without judgment.

You don't need to agree with them but you just understand them and respect them.

Just like a toddler having a tantrum,

You don't try to stop them feeling that way,

You're just like hey I get it,

It's tough.

Where you're at right now,

It's hard for you.

The assertive path is when you just express your thoughts and your needs honestly and respect,

This is sort of like an overall feeling tone to the way that you speak.

You don't name call,

You don't speak in a hostile tone,

It's just respectful.

Another model that I think is worth being aware of is the non-violent communication model also known as NVC.

This model was developed by Marshall Rosenberg and NVC focuses on four core pillars,

Observations,

Feelings,

Needs and requests.

So with observations you just describe what you observe without an evaluation or a judgment,

So you keep it to the specific facts of the situation.

Secondly you express your feelings honestly and I mean real feelings,

I feel sad,

Irritated,

Angry,

Upset etc.

Third you identify your unmet needs behind the feelings,

So the idea here is that all of our feelings come from unmet needs.

Fourth is a request,

So you make a concrete and positive request for change.

So to practice the NVC model you can think of a specific situation where you needed to communicate better and follow these steps.

So first of all describe the situation without judgment,

So instead of you worked a lot last week you say,

Hey I noticed you worked 60 hours in the office last week.

Then you go into your feelings,

Express your emotions,

I feel lonely when you work late,

Not I feel you don't love me when you work late,

But instead your feelings,

I feel lonely when you work late.

Three,

Needs,

Identify your unmet needs,

I need more quality time together.

And four,

Make a request,

Can we schedule a date night this week?

Think back to a recent conflict you had and try to run through this process,

Doesn't have to be perfect but just get practicing in your mind's eye,

Observations,

Feelings,

Needs and requests.

I'll give you a few minutes to practice that.

You can think of these pillars as a sort of cheat sheet that you can return back to and implement and continue to research and practice.

So a quick recap is that we looked at CIT,

This is the idea that we maintain and provoke the relationship problems we complain about,

But we also have more power to change our relationships and especially our troubled relationships than we first think.

We covered some classic communication errors and looked at what good communication is all about,

Empathy,

Assertiveness and respect.

Then I gave you a specific model you can start using when things get tough in your relationships.

The four step model is observations,

Feelings,

Needs and requests.

Now remember the goal is to transform your relationships by changing your behaviour and your communication patterns,

This is what you can control,

Your thoughts,

Actions and reactions.

So try to make your relationships meaning and positive through your own intentions.

Practice these methods regularly and you'll soon see rapid changes actually in your relationships and inner peace.

Thank you for being here and I'll see you again soon.

Reviews

Incredibly rich, thought-provoking and empowering 🪷

✨💫🙏🤍I will be listening to this repeatedly! Because it's so valuable to practice these skills until they are my default patterns. Thank you thank you.