Self-Love Revolution - The New Pathway To Success

We’ve been taught from a very young age that if we work hard, we will be successful, and once we’re successful, then we can be happy. We’ve become a nation that continually seeks happiness in the future. Self-love flips this equation. Self-love creates happiness now. And when you are happy, you are already successful. And when you are successful, it’s easy to work hard and contribute to society. Many view self-love as weak. But it may just be the most courageous act of disobedience you can take.

Transcript

I'm Jonathan Trowen.

Welcome to the Self-Loved Revolution.

I believe we have a problem with success in this country.

And it's not because enough people aren't successful.

And it's not because what successful people are doing.

It's because I believe the definition of success is wrong the way we've been doing it.

We've been taught this equation for how to live life.

It's ingrained into our school system.

It's ingrained into our education system.

And it's ingrained into our society.

And it goes like this.

The equation says,

Work hard.

If you do that for long enough,

Then you are successful.

And if you do that for long enough,

Then you can be happy.

That's the equation.

Work hard.

Be successful.

One day be happy.

So we spend years,

Decades delaying our happiness,

Delaying our joy,

Delaying living life as we do the work hard part.

And this is the results that we get.

So people do work hard.

And there's nothing wrong with hard work.

Hard work is very important.

We do work hard.

And some people don't get the success.

And then they go,

What did I do wrong?

I've been working hard all my life.

And a lot of people do get the success.

They've worked hard.

They got what most people would call success.

And then they go,

What's wrong?

I'm not happy.

I did exactly what they told me to do for how long they told me to do it.

So what do we have?

Well,

That's what the midlife crisis is.

Doing exactly what we're told to do,

Thinking it would bring you to a certain place,

Happiness,

And it didn't come.

Of course,

Now it's the quarter life crisis.

You know that's an actual term now,

The quarter life crisis.

Because people are working hard.

They're even getting success,

Very successful.

But that last piece,

Happiness,

Is not coming.

And of course,

A lot of these people we know about,

Anthony Bourdain,

Chris Cornell,

Kate Spade,

Robin Williams,

I mean the list goes on and on.

These are people by any measure of success,

You would call them successful.

But they weren't really happy,

Apparently.

So can we really call that success?

And it's not just,

Those are the names we know about because they're famous enough.

The last stats we have are from 2017,

1.

4 million people in the United States tried to commit suicide.

Don't worry,

The whole talk won't be so depressing.

We're going to learn how to get around it.

But it's important for us to know that,

47,

000 people successful.

And if that many people are trying,

What about everyone else who's not trying that,

Who's not taking that last action?

We need to learn how to flip that equation around.

We need a new equation for life.

And this is the new equation for life.

It's be happy.

Be happy today.

When you are happy,

You are successful because isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

And when you are successful,

When you're happy and successful,

It's easy to do the hard work you have to do to contribute.

Some people say,

Well,

If we just practice this self-love thing,

It's selfish.

No,

When you do that,

When you're happy and you're successful,

Man,

It's so easy to do all the work you need to do to get out there to help people to contribute to the world.

That's the new equation.

That's the real equation for life.

It's not that the other people that anyone did anything wrong,

They did exactly what they were told to do.

They just had the wrong equation.

The new equation is be happy now,

Then you are successful because that's all you ever wanted in the first place.

And then do all the work that you need to do to contribute to the world.

So now we need to know how to implement this equation.

Before we go there,

I just want to share what am I doing up here?

Why am I here on this stage?

Most people that come on the stage to talk about something like this share their stories of triumph over all odds.

Maybe they grew up in a very poor family,

Didn't really have meals on a daily basis or there was some kind of sickness,

Something very difficult that they had to overcome.

That's not my story.

I had an awesome childhood.

It is true my parents did get divorced,

But both of them were in my life,

Very loving,

Got love from both my parents.

I had lots of food in the house,

Great schools,

Games,

Toys,

Summer camps,

Vacations,

Had all of it.

But I still had this voice in my head that was pestering me,

More than pestering me,

Abusing me.

I didn't know it at the time,

But it was a very abusive voice and it kept telling me I'm not good enough.

Even when I would be successful,

I had great successes in my life,

But it didn't matter what I did.

I still have that voice.

No,

Not good enough.

Someone else is doing better than you,

Right?

Yeah.

It doesn't matter how far you get up there.

Even if you get to number one,

Eventually someone else is going to take it,

Then you're not good enough again.

And this went on for years,

Decades.

And at the beginning I thought,

Well,

If I just change things around,

Life will be better.

If I get a new job,

Things will be better.

If I move,

So the first thing I did was I moved to Denmark,

Right?

Happiest country in the world.

And I love Denmark.

I'd been there before,

Met great people.

I said,

You know what?

I like those people there.

I'm just moving to Denmark.

I bought a one-way ticket to Denmark.

I did.

And it was awesome for six months.

That's how long it takes if you're in a new place because there's new stimuli for your brain.

So the thoughts that are in your head go away because your brain can only take so much stimulus.

So six months and then everything becomes normal and then the old thoughts come back.

So it was great for six months.

So I'm going,

Okay,

Well,

You know,

This is now regular again.

Let me go somewhere else.

So I moved to Spain.

It was awesome for six months.

Then the stories came back.

So I said,

Okay,

Well,

Time for me to go back to America.

So I went to Los Angeles.

I'd never been to Los Angeles before.

I had a bunch of friends there.

And it was awesome.

Anybody guess how long it was awesome for?

Six months.

But I knew why it wasn't really going that well because I was living in the middle of the city and I moved to LA to be near the beach.

So I just moved to Santa Monica.

If anyone knows LA,

Santa Monica,

It's the city next to Los Angeles right near the beach.

I moved to 11th Street.

I was one mile and one block away from the beach.

It was a five-minute bike ride,

A 20-minute walk.

And it was awesome.

Anyone guess for how long?

Six months.

But I knew why it wasn't going well.

A 20-minute walk from the beach?

That's insane.

So I moved to 3rd Street.

Now it was two blocks from the beach.

And it was awesome,

Yes,

For six months.

And I had a great job.

So I go,

Okay,

Well,

You know,

Maybe I just need a new car.

So I got the new car.

Maybe I need a new relationship.

So I got a girlfriend.

So I had everything.

I had the job.

I had the car.

I had the girlfriend.

I knew what was wrong.

I was two blocks from the beach.

I really believed this too.

So there I was one day.

I was walking.

If you know Santa Monica,

There's a park that overlooks the ocean.

It's called Palisades Park.

So I'm walking along Palisades Park one day.

I have my headphones and,

You know,

I might not look it,

But I spent most of my life raging at punk rock shows.

So I'm listening to this song,

Social Distortion.

Anyone know Social Distortion?

I'm dating myself.

A few people,

Okay.

So I'm listening to this song.

And I've heard this song thousands of times before,

Literally thousands of times.

But I heard these words for the first time in the words where you can run all your life and not go anywhere.

I won't sing it like they do.

I don't have a great singing voice.

And I heard that.

You can run all your life but not go anywhere.

Holy shit,

That's what I've been doing.

I've been running across the world back and forth.

That's what the treadmill of life is.

Anyone ever feel like you're running on the treadmill of life?

Yeah.

That's what it is.

Running and running and running and not going anywhere.

At that point I figured out I did not have to move to more blocks.

I had to figure something else out.

I had to stop running.

So I started studying.

I started studying myself.

I started studying other people.

And here's the first thing I figured out.

I discovered I wasn't alone.

You're all talking to yourselves.

Right?

Anyone out there talking to themselves?

A few hands up.

Everyone else has a voice in their head right now that's going,

Don't raise your hand,

Other people are looking at you.

They're laughing because they know it's true.

We all talk to ourselves.

True story,

I did not know that was true.

I thought I was the only one talking to myself,

Beating myself up.

I was the worst abuser on the planet to me.

And I discovered everyone else is the worst abuser on the planet to you.

So I kept studying.

I was on a mission now to figure this out.

And I came across people that seemed to have crossed over a threshold that they seemed to live with this joyousness that was just there inside of them.

So I studied them.

And here's what I learned.

There are three things,

Three main things that are holding us back from everything we want in life.

The first thing holding us back is our habits.

If you don't think you have habits,

You are wrong.

You do have habits,

You might just not know what they are.

So if you don't know what your habits are,

Start looking at what you do on a daily basis and learn what your habits are.

Can't change them until you know what they are.

I had this horrible habit.

This is what I did every single night.

I went to the bathroom,

Got my toothbrush,

Started brushing my teeth.

That was a good habit.

But the bad habit was as I looked in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth,

I would review my day and I would think about everything that didn't go exactly the way I wanted it to go.

I'd look at all the problems,

All the mistakes,

All the failures.

Now,

Any day,

Every day for all of us is a combination of things you want to happen and things you don't want to happen.

Every single day,

True,

Some might have more of one than the other and the next day is reversed,

But every single day is a combination of things you want to happen,

Things you don't want to happen.

So I spent that whole time reviewing everything I didn't want to happen.

Then I went to sleep,

Miserable.

That was in my dreams.

I woke up.

How do you think I woke up?

Miserable.

And then I just lived that over again.

My habit is different now.

My new habit,

I look in the mirror and I review my day,

Everything that was awesome that day.

It doesn't mean there weren't things that happened that I didn't want to happen.

They were.

I acknowledge them,

Okay.

But I review,

I celebrate all the good stuff that happens,

Even if that means I watered the plant and the plant didn't die.

And of course,

The really good stuff is in there too.

You have to change your habits.

The second thing that holds us back are our subconscious beliefs.

Our subconscious beliefs.

See,

We believe that what we think in our conscious mind and the actions we take because of that are what creates our success.

They are not.

They've done studies on this.

Your subconscious makes a decision 10 seconds before your conscious mind has made a decision.

You think you're consciously choosing?

You are not.

Your subconscious has chosen for you long before it enters your consciousness.

Your subconscious is what controls your results.

It does not matter what actions you take.

To be clear,

You have to take action.

This is not one of those things if you just change your thoughts,

The world will change.

Yes,

You have to change your thoughts.

You also have to take actions.

But your subconscious controls the results of your actions.

That's why,

Do you see people,

It doesn't matter what they do,

Everything they touch turns to gold.

And you can't understand why.

And that person,

They don't even deserve it,

But everything they do works out.

And on the other side,

You have people that really work,

Really work hard.

They're doing everything.

They're good people,

But nothing seems to work out the way they wanted to work out.

That's because actions are not what is determining whether they succeed or not.

It's the subconscious beliefs that are determining that.

If there's anything different about me today than what I was back then,

Moving closer and closer to the beach,

It's this.

Back then,

I knew I wasn't good enough.

I knew I wasn't good enough.

Today,

I know I'm good enough.

And back then,

And I don't say this to brag,

I really don't,

I say it for the opposite.

So back then,

I lived in LA for 20 years.

I was interviewing my idols.

You know,

You're a kid and you want to,

You dream of meeting these people.

I met them.

I met the dream people I wanted to talk to and I got to interview them.

And lots of other people I never dreamed of talking to.

I just was lucky enough to do it.

That's what I did for a living.

I got paid for it.

And again,

I don't say this to brag,

I say it for the opposite because I still wasn't happy.

Even doing all that,

Doing exactly what I dreamed of doing my whole life.

Because in my head,

I knew I wasn't good enough.

Now,

Don't get me wrong,

I hope you all like me.

But whether you do or not,

It's not going to change how I leave this room.

I will leave this room perfectly happy because I know whatever happens,

I am good enough.

That was a change,

A reprogramming of my subconscious beliefs.

So how do we get these subconscious beliefs?

I brought some props here.

This is a book that some of you know,

Although most of you don't know me.

I only know a handful of people in the room.

I have a four-year-old boy.

I started reading this book to him.

Anyone have kids?

Thomas the Train.

Anyone know Thomas the Train?

I have a few parents in the room.

I started reading this to him when he was one-year-old.

It's called Good Morning Engines and this is how the book starts.

It has been a long,

Hard day at work and Thomas and Percy,

Percy is Thomas' friend,

Are tired.

It's been a long,

Hard day at work and Thomas and Percy are tired.

So we're teaching them before they can speak that work is long,

Work is hard,

And you better be tired at the end of it.

That whole story could easily have worked just as well if it said,

After a long,

Joyous day at work.

And even Tommy and Percy are tired.

You can be tired.

I'm tired at the end of a good day when you give your all.

But no,

It has to be long and hard.

So we go up thinking work has to be long and hard.

Life has to be hard.

Anyone been told life is hard?

If that's your belief,

That's what you got.

Life is hard.

Same with relationships.

You've been told relationships are hard.

If that's your belief,

Relationships are hard.

But we know we've seen people go through life and it's just so easy,

So simple.

Granted,

It's not that many right now.

I'm trying to change that.

We can flip the equation.

And of course then there are your parents and your teachers and the marketing message we get every day on a daily basis.

They want you to know you're not good enough because if you're not good enough,

You will buy something from them so that you feel good enough.

It's the purpose of a lot of marketing,

To make you feel not good enough so that you will buy something.

Every day you are being programmed.

Your subconscious is being programmed.

This new equation,

Happiness equals success equals work,

That is a reprogramming.

We have to reprogram our subconscious beliefs.

The third thing that holds us back is fear.

Anybody know the number one fear?

Public speaking.

And it's so odd too because,

Let's be honest,

No one's really afraid to speak.

Everyone talks.

We even talk in public,

Right?

A restaurant's in public,

We talk.

We're not really afraid of speaking.

We are afraid of being judged by others,

But that's not really what we're afraid of.

We're afraid of what they may think and we're afraid that if they think something bad about us,

We are not worthy of love.

What we're really afraid of is not being loved.

We're not being worthy of love.

And that's why people don't risk doing something because they're afraid not just of being judged,

But that they may not be worthy of love.

The number one driver of every action we take is to be loved.

The number one driver of every action we take is to be loved.

I want that to sink in because you have to understand that part.

So loved by whom?

Of course,

By everybody else.

By the world.

So we build up a system to receive love or at least be noticed,

Admired.

So we buy the new watches and the new iPhones and the clothes and the new car and the new house.

Right?

Does anyone,

Is anyone on board?

Does anyone see how this goes on in your life?

And we do this so that we can get other people to look at us.

Oh,

I love the way your shoes look.

I love the way your purse looks.

And I'm not saying don't compliment people,

Compliment people.

But why are we doing these things?

We're doing it so that we receive attention from outside of us.

And the problem is what happens when that person or that attention goes away?

Boom,

It's gone.

I mean,

This happened in 2008 when the stock market crashed.

People had built their lives around knowing and understanding the stock market and built up wealth with the stock market.

Boom,

It was gone.

They didn't have the admiration of people anymore.

Some people took their lives.

The problem is if we turn over the control of our joy,

Our happiness to others,

We have nothing if those other people disappear.

We have to take that control back ourselves.

That's what self-love is.

Being kind to ourselves,

Treating ourselves the way we want those other people to treat us.

Because here's what happens.

When someone else says something good about us or sees us,

Notices us,

We feel good about ourselves.

And when we feel good about ourselves,

We're happy.

That's how it works.

Someone else does something or says something to us,

We feel good about ourselves,

Then we're happy.

But it's not really because the other person said something.

It's because we felt good about ourselves.

So we need to learn how to do that on ourselves,

For ourselves.

We need to learn how to do that on our own.

Make ourselves feel good so that we can be happy.

And that creates the new equation.

Be happy.

That is success.

And when you're successful,

You can do the hard work you need to do to contribute.

So how do we do that?

How do we now practice self-love?

So we know we got the asshole in our head nagging.

We know that we can do it ourselves but we still don't know how.

Here's how.

There are four pillars of self-love.

The first one is acceptance.

Acceptance simply means stop fighting with yourself.

That's the heart of it.

Now,

People will often say,

Well,

Some things are just unacceptable.

That is true.

Some things that are going on in the world are unacceptable.

That's true.

So if there's something unacceptable that's happening,

Shut up and take some action.

Stop complaining about it and take action.

Do something about it.

Now,

We can't do something about everything.

If you can't do anything about it,

Then go help someone that can do something about it.

That is taking action.

And if you can't do anything about it,

And you can't help someone who is,

Then you have to practice acceptance.

Now,

To be clear,

What are we really accepting?

We're not accepting the story.

We're accepting what we're feeling in our bodies.

I call it a sensation.

Some people call it feelings or emotions.

If you're sad about something,

Allow yourself to feel sadness,

Right?

Back to that subconscious belief,

How many people have been told,

Don't be sad?

Have you been told don't be sad?

Yeah.

Don't be angry.

No,

Don't be sad.

There's not,

I'm not even going to ask for raising hands because not everyone raises hands,

But I can guarantee you there's not a single person in this room who has lived without sadness.

There's not a single person in this room who has not been angry.

There's not a single person in this room who has not had a resentment,

Been frustrated,

All of it.

These are human emotions.

But we've been told so often,

Don't be sad,

Don't be frustrated,

So that when we feel these emotions,

When we feel these sensations,

We feel that thing in our chest,

That thing in our stomach,

We need to push it away.

We need to run from it.

And that's what a lot of addiction is.

You know,

There's new studies coming out on addiction that it's not solely this chemical addiction.

Chemically you have to take this substance or need to take this substance to feel something.

What they're saying now is addiction or at least some people are saying now,

Addiction is the inability to be with your current experience,

Your current emotion.

If you can learn to be with your current emotion,

You don't need to do something else.

And by the way,

Addiction does not just include drugs and alcohol.

We don't like something,

We don't like the way we're feeling.

No,

Let's go shopping,

Let's get something to eat,

Let's go have sex,

Let's watch TV.

Now none of these things are bad.

I do all of them.

But if you're doing them to escape what you're feeling in this moment,

Then there's a problem.

If a friend comes to you and your friend is sad,

You're going to be kind to them.

Maybe you'll give them a hug.

Say,

It's okay,

I get it.

I've been sad too before.

That's how we need to start treating ourselves.

That's how we begin the practice of acceptance,

Of accepting ourselves.

We notice,

Oh,

There's sadness or anger,

Whatever it is.

And we say to ourselves,

I see you.

I hear you.

I'll be here for you as long as you need me to be here.

We say that to our friends,

We need to say that to ourselves,

I see you.

I hear you.

I'll be here for you as long as you need me to be here for you.

That's acceptance.

To be clear,

Acceptance is a practice.

Don't try this once and think everything in your life has changed.

It won't.

But if you practice this on a daily basis,

I guarantee you,

Your life will change.

The second pillar is gratitude.

And I know gratitude has become so cliche.

Go get a gratitude journal.

Here's the thing.

It's become a cliche because it's real,

Because it works.

Gratitude is not just about thank you and a pleasant thought.

Gratitude is a way of shifting yourself from a negative emotional state to a positive emotional state.

It is a way of shifting yourself from a negative emotional state to a positive emotional state.

Here's the thing.

They've done studies on this.

We have about 70,

000 thoughts a day – 70,

000 thoughts a day go through our head.

Now,

The funny part about this is that 95% of those thoughts are the same exact thought you had yesterday.

The not so funny part about that is that 80% of those thoughts are negative.

80% of your thoughts are negative.

Well,

If you have 80% negative thoughts,

How do you think your life is?

Not very much fun.

We have to flip that equation too.

80% of your thoughts are positive.

That's four positive thoughts for every negative thought.

I'm not saying negative thoughts are bad.

You need them.

You need negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts are what help us survive.

You can't survive without them.

But you need four positive thoughts for every negative thought if you are going to thrive in this life.

The other thing is if you're in a negative emotional state,

You cannot make change that lasts.

To be clear,

You can make changes.

Do you know those people that they're in a relationship not going too well,

So they break up and then they get into another relationship which is really the same relationship,

Different face but same relationship,

And they do this over and over and over?

Or sometimes it's with a job,

Right?

They hate their boss,

So they quit their job,

Maybe they get fired,

They get another job,

And boom,

They hate their boss again.

It's because the change came from a negative emotional state and change from a negative emotional state does not last.

You have to come from a positive emotional state.

And then when you make the change,

It does last.

It lasts the whole rest of your life.

Gratitude also triggers dopamine.

That's the reward,

The reward drug.

You get your hit of dopamine just by having some gratitude in your life.

And it triggers the hypothalamus.

It activates the hypothalamus.

The hypothalamus controls among other things hunger,

Sleep,

Your metabolism.

You can't sleep.

Yes,

You can take your pill.

Or you can practice gratitude.

And it's not that hard.

So here,

We're going to practice together.

Hopefully you will be a giving crowd.

But I want to do this together.

For me,

Writing down things with gratitude is a little better,

But we're not going to do it writing down.

You can do it.

Here's the other thing about gratitude.

You can do gratitude anywhere,

Anytime.

You don't need anything.

So if you're comfortable,

I want you to close your eyes.

We're going to do a little meditation now.

If you don't like closing your eyes,

You don't have to.

And take a breath here.

Take a peaceful breath.

Take a scan of your body and notice what sensations you're feeling now.

Pleasant,

Unpleasant.

Let them all be here.

Notice the space that surrounds you.

The other people in the room,

You're not alone.

And now bring to your mind's eye something for which you're grateful.

Make it big in your mind's eye.

And as you look at this image,

Think for a moment why you are grateful for this.

What is it about this that brings me joy?

And feel that joy right now in your body.

Gratitude is not a thought.

Gratitude is a sensation.

Gratitude is a feeling in your body.

And then with kindness,

With compassion,

Release the image from your mind's eye and bring to your mind's eye another image,

Something for which you are grateful,

Truly grateful.

And as you look at this image,

Ask yourself,

What about this brings me joy,

Makes me happy?

And feel it in your body.

Again,

Gratitude is not a thought.

Gratitude is a feeling,

An experience,

A sensation.

Allow yourself to experience gratitude right now.

Then release the image from your mind's eye.

Take a peaceful breath.

Let your eyes open.

Does anybody feel anything different?

Did that do anything for anyone?

Yes?

What did you feel differently?

Peace.

Anybody else?

Yes?

Love.

And we didn't spend 20 minutes thinking about something.

We didn't spend 20 minutes in a gratitude journal.

Do it.

What was that?

A minute,

Two minutes?

And you can experience peace and love.

That's simply gratitude.

You cannot have a successful,

Fulfilled life without gratitude.

That's pillar two of self-love.

The third pillar of self-love is forgiveness.

This one is a slightly more difficult practice for many of us because it's deep-seated.

And for many of us,

Our identities have become wrapped up in whatever it is we're holding on to,

Whatever we're pissed off about.

But there are things we hold on to for years and decades.

Is anybody still upset about something that happened 10,

15 years ago?

Yeah.

And it eats inside of us.

And every time we think that story,

Oh,

If that only would have been different,

My whole life would be different,

It digs a little deeper into you.

And we replay that story every day.

And it's true,

Your life would be different.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't be.

It would be.

But here's the definition of forgiveness that I use.

There are many definitions of forgiveness.

Here's the one I use.

Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can be different.

And I did not make this up,

Just to be clear.

I got it from Oprah,

She got it from somebody else.

Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can be any different.

It's not saying what happened was okay.

You know what?

It wasn't okay.

But it's not going to be any different.

And you imagine it,

You imagining it being different will not make it different.

And you imagining it being the same over again just makes you suffer more.

You suffered already.

You suffered when it happened.

You don't need to suffer every single day the rest of your life for something to happen 10,

15,

30,

40 years ago.

So we have to practice forgiveness.

Are we up for another little meditation?

Yeah?

Okay.

So close your eyes if you're comfortable.

And again,

If you prefer open eyes,

Nothing wrong with that.

Take a peaceful breath.

Feel yourself grounded through the chair,

Through the floor,

Through the building to the mother earth below you.

Take a scan of your body.

And notice any sensations you're feeling.

Physical sensations,

Emotional sensations,

Whether they be pleasant or unpleasant.

This does not matter.

Welcome whatever you're feeling.

Now there are three paths of self love.

There's forgiving another,

Someone who has wronged you,

Asking forgiveness of another,

And forgiveness of yourself.

Forgiveness of yourself is the most difficult for many.

So that's what we're going to work on today.

Bring to your mind's eye a picture of you.

And it may be you as you are today,

Or it may be a childhood version of yourself,

The younger version of yourself,

The 16 year old you,

The 18 year old you,

The 25 year old you.

And look at yourself.

Look at yourself in the eyes.

And simply say,

I forgive you.

I accept you just as you are.

And notice what you feel,

What happens when you say that.

You may feel a release,

A calm.

You may feel a resistance.

If this is difficult for you,

Another thing you can say is,

I open myself up to the possibility of forgiving you.

I open myself up to the possibility of forgiving you.

And again,

Notice what arises.

Is there a resistance?

Is there a release?

And if that's difficult,

There's one more possibility for you can say,

I open myself up to the possibility that one day I can forgive you.

Maybe today is not the day.

Maybe today is not the day for forgiving myself.

I open myself up to the possibility of one day forgiving you.

I forgive myself.

I open myself up to the possibility of forgiving myself.

I open myself up to the possibility that one day I will forgive myself.

Use whichever version feels right for you today,

In this moment.

And welcome whatever sensations you arise,

Pleasant or unpleasant,

Resistance or releasing.

And with kindness,

With compassion,

Release the image from your mind's eye.

Take a peaceful breath.

And let your eyes open.

What was that like for people?

What was your experience?

Anybody want to share?

Anybody feel a resistance to that?

Yeah,

Some resistance.

It's hard to forgive ourselves.

But until we can forgive ourselves,

We can't live a completely joyous life.

We've all made mistakes.

If a friend did that same thing that you're still beating yourself up for doing,

You would say to them,

I get it,

It's okay,

I am here for you.

We'll forgive others.

But for some reason,

We have such difficulty forgiving ourselves.

So this is a practice.

Don't think you're going to leave this room and you have now forgiven yourself completely.

You might even have to go through different stages in your life,

The 16,

The 18,

The 25,

The 35.

But if you practice,

Your life will change.

You will begin to make peace with yourself.

Acceptance,

Gratitude,

Forgiveness.

The fourth pillar of self-love is self-love itself.

And if self-love just seems like a little too much,

Too daunting,

Self-kindness,

Self-compassion,

Or simply friendliness.

We have to start treating ourselves like our own friend,

Our own best friend.

Right?

Something goes wrong,

We call our best friend.

Well,

Sometimes we just hide.

Something goes wrong,

Sometimes we just hide from everyone.

We want to run away.

And other times we'll call our friend.

And I'm not saying don't call a friend.

We are wired for connection.

We need other people.

Self-love is not a lesson and you don't need anyone else.

We do.

We need everyone else.

But it is a journey into being a friend with yourself.

And to turning that abuser in your head,

That self-abuse that we all go through,

Shifting that and becoming our own best friend.

Right?

Another habit I used to have.

I would look in the mirror and you know,

If there was another gray I'd be like,

Man,

The hell or another wrinkle.

Why is that wrinkle there?

And of course I would just tell myself I look like crap.

Right?

That's why nothing works out.

I just don't look good.

Right?

Because you look at the magazine covers,

Everyone else looks way better than you do.

So I have different habits now.

Now I look in the mirror and I go,

Hey Jonathan,

Hey gray hair,

New gray hair.

Yeah,

There are new ones in there.

I say welcome to the family.

I got a new wrinkle last week.

It's right down here.

You know the ones in your neck?

And I'll be honest.

First reaction was what?

That one?

And then I looked at it and I said,

Oh,

Sorry,

Forgot.

I said welcome to the family.

You know,

Something isn't working on our body and we'll complain about it.

We stub our toe and we scream damn toe.

We walk up the stairs,

Knees,

What's wrong with you?

But how often are you thanking your toe for being there when it's just working right?

Really already?

Wow.

Thank your pinky toe when you're just walking.

Thank your knee.

Even if it does hurt you,

Thank it anyway because you're still walking,

You're still making it up the stairs.

So here,

One more meditation.

We're going to practice self-love.

Now this is better done with a mirror,

But we don't have a mirror here and you don't need a mirror.

You can do it this way.

Something in my eye.

Now the old me right now would have been screaming.

That voice in your head,

You can't do that in front of people.

You can't have something in your eye and wipe it away in front of people,

Right?

You know that inner critic,

Right?

It's a totally different world now.

Now you just say,

There's something in my eye.

I don't know what it is.

But anyway,

Back to our meditation.

We're going to practice self-love.

Real self-love here.

So if it's comfortable,

Close your eyes.

Take a peaceful breath.

Feel yourself grounded to the mother earth below you,

Connected to each other.

You are not alone.

And bring to your mind's eye a picture of you.

And again,

Maybe it's you as you are today.

It could be a childhood version of yourself,

A younger version of yourself,

An earlier version.

And I want you to really look at yourself here.

Notice the curves of your face,

Your hair,

The textures,

The wrinkles if there are wrinkles,

The blemishes if there are blemishes.

Look into your eyes.

Notice the love.

Notice the fears.

And can you say to yourself right now,

Looking into your own eyes,

I love you.

And notice what arises.

Maybe there's a release.

Maybe there's a resistance.

The first time I did this,

I couldn't do it.

It was more like,

I love you.

I couldn't do it.

I could not look myself in the eyes.

And if saying I love you isn't working right now,

There's this one.

I open myself up to the possibility of loving you.

Say that and notice what arises.

Or you can say I open myself up to the possibility that one day I can love you.

Open the door to self-love.

Maybe today is not the day.

Open the door.

I love you.

I open myself up to the possibility of loving you.

I open myself up to the possibility that one day I can,

I will love you.

And see what arises.

And whatever arises,

Allow it to be here,

A release,

A resistance.

Let it be here.

And with kindness,

Compassion,

Release the image from your mind's eye.

Take a peaceful breath.

Let your eyes open.

We have to become our own best friends.

If we practice self-love,

We are happy because this is all we wanted in the first place.

The number one driver of every action we take is to feel loved.

If we can practice this on ourselves,

We have that.

We feel it.

We are happy.

If we're happy,

We are successful.

This is the new definition.

And what are the benefits of this?

The benefits to us personally are,

Well,

We have everything we've ever wanted because that's love.

That's all we ever wanted.

We get the results we want because remember,

It's your subconscious beliefs that control your results.

It doesn't matter what you do.

You will get the results you want.

For society,

It's immense.

What can happen?

Anthony Bourdain's,

Chris Cornell's,

Kate Spade's,

It doesn't have to happen anymore because it doesn't matter if you have all the money in the world now.

I'm not against money.

I like money,

Love money,

Want a lot of it.

But we know it's not the answer to happiness.

We know that that can be the sole measure of success.

All these amazing people will not have to take their own lives anymore.

All the people that we don't know their names about,

They will not have to take their lives anymore.

Bullying,

Neutralizes bullying.

There's no reason,

If we taught this in schools,

There's no reason to bully if you feel good about yourself.

We bully because we don't feel good about ourselves and have to use our power over someone.

And then we get respect from someone,

We translate that as love.

We feel good about ourselves for a moment.

Neutralizes bullying.

Neutralizes the victim too because if you have these thoughts,

People don't bully you.

Right,

You ever notice the person who walks into the party or the room,

They don't say a word,

But there's this feeling,

This energy,

And everyone wants to know who that person is?

That's that inner joy coming out.

So it fixes the bully,

Fixes the victim.

The Me Too movement,

Gone.

Because if you have self-love for yourself,

You don't need to dominate another person.

You don't need to do that to someone to make yourself feel good.

And from the victim's side as well,

If you have these feelings,

You're not going to turn your joy over to someone else and give them control over you.

School shootings,

Look,

I'm for gun control.

I am.

But if you really want to do something,

Start teaching this in schools.

Because if we have self-love for ourselves,

We have no reason to hurt anybody else.

Millions of dollars being spent on security at schools,

Spend it on teaching self-love.

And you will transform the world.

So if I leave you with anything,

I want to leave you with this.

The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.

The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.

The teachings teach us that you could look the world over and not find anyone more worthy of love than yourself.

You could search the world over and not find anyone more worthy of love than yourself.

So stop spending so much time and struggling so much trying to get the love from other people.

And start spending that time on the most important relationship you have,

The one with yourself.

Because when you love yourself,

The chains of fear,

That fear that holds us back,

The chains of fear dissolve away.

You are free now to create the life that you want.

Love yourself so that you can love others more freely,

So that you can feel freedom,

And so that you can have everything you've ever wanted,

Which is love.

The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.

Make it a loving one.

This is the self-love revolution.

Thank you.

Now I think we have a couple minutes left.

I do want to take questions,

But first I want everyone to text SELFLOVED to 888111.

That will allow you to help join the revolution.

And yes,

There's a course you can take.

Take it.

It's awesome.

Don't take it.

That's fine as well.

But at least you get connected to the community because we all have to actually do this together.

I need you to join the revolution.

There's also in your South by Southwest app you can review talks.

Review this one.

If you enjoyed it,

Say it was good,

Tell them you want it again.

You want more stuff like this for next year.

And whether it's me or another speaker on the same subject,

This isn't about me.

This is way bigger than I am.

But we need to have this dialogue in more places more often.

So let them know we need more self-love here and everywhere else.

And if you do have questions,

There's a mic there.

I invite you to come up and ask questions.

Come.

Please.

Come to the mic though because the camera has to hear it.

We have one here.

And then yes.

Great speech.

On the forgiveness aspect,

If you have like shame and stuff like that,

Whatever you're trying to forgive,

Like how would you let go of that stuff and try to continue to move forward?

You don't let go of it.

You don't let go of it.

You invite it in.

The answer is inviting it in.

See,

We've been taught,

Let go,

Put it over there.

No.

Bring it in here.

Your answer is inside.

It's to bring it inside.

We all have shame.

I have shame.

And I forgive myself.

So I have a lot less of it now than I used to.

Forgiveness neutralizes shame.

But it doesn't put shame over there.

It says,

I see you,

Shame.

I see you.

I hear you.

I will be here for you as long as you need me to be here.

And I love you just the way you are.

With shame,

Without shame,

What's your name?

Noah.

Noah.

It's with shame,

Without shame,

Noah,

This is you talking to you.

With or without shame,

Noah,

I love you just as you are.

I get it.

It could have been different,

But here we are today and we're here together.

It's not that I don't do anything wrong.

I do.

I'm just better off at accepting it and I practice it.

Practice accepting you and all the stuff you've done along the way.

Is that helpful?

It'll be some processing,

But yeah.

It's a process.

This is not,

See,

We're also addicted to the quick fix.

I want to fix this now.

Where's my answer?

Look,

You spent 10,

20,

30 years getting to this place.

You think you're going to solve it overnight?

I wish I could say that.

Look,

You know,

These are the laws of the universe.

Gravity is a law of the universe.

If I walk one more foot here,

I'm going to fall face down.

I don't like that,

But I don't complain about it.

I don't like all the laws of the universe.

I really don't.

But this is a law of the universe.

You have to practice forgiveness.

If you want to experience self-love,

If you want to have happiness,

It's just one of the universal laws and I know it hasn't been proven with science yet,

But there's a lot of stuff that were just theories.

You know,

Trauma goes into your DNA.

Now,

Thousands of years ago,

These are what the teachings were,

That whatever your grandparents,

Their ancestors went through,

It's embedded inside of you,

Embedded inside of you.

And now it's actually proven in Western medicine.

You said that 10 years ago,

They looked at you like you were woo woo woo.

Now it's proven,

Scientific,

Western science.

It's the laws of the universe.

And yes,

We have to practice.

And if it doesn't feel good the first time,

You're welcome.

It doesn't feel good.

The first time I did,

I looked in the mirror,

Practicing self-love,

I looked in the mirror,

I woo woo woo woo.

That's literally what happened.

I looked at,

I could not look at myself.

I couldn't get the words out.

Didn't try it again for about another month.

Don't wait as long as I did.

If you do,

It's fine.

You can still get here.

But practice it.

That's the answer.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Question?

Yes?

Why didn't you tell me this 20 years ago?

Because I didn't know it 20 years ago.

We've known each other 20 years.

Where does,

Where does external affirmation and where does apology figure into this?

Because you're talking about forgiving yourself.

There was apology.

What was the first one?

Well,

I'm going to share.

You sent me a note saying I'd love to see you.

It made me feel good that you want.

I didn't even know what you were going to do today.

We've known each other 20 years.

I had no idea if you were presenting a new way to market t-shirts.

But you sending me that note saying it would mean a lot if you showed up.

That made me feel good.

Yes.

And that was an affirmation,

That was an external affirmation.

Okay,

I'm,

You know,

Somebody thinks I'm all right.

Conversely,

People that you might feel you actually,

Instead of forgiving yourself,

Also say,

By the way,

When I was a complete fucking asshole,

I didn't mean to do that.

Yeah,

So I'm not trying to get into 12 steps because I never,

I still drink tequila.

So how do we deal with the external?

So,

So,

You know,

We only had so much time today.

I teach a 10 week class on this,

Which really should be a 10 year class.

And there are three paths of forgive,

For forgiveness.

I'll deal with that first.

Forgiveness,

Three paths.

Forgiving of another,

Forgiving someone that did something to you,

Asking forgiveness for someone else,

Which is what you're talking about.

And then the self-forgiveness,

You need to do all three.

So we just dealt with one of them today here.

But yes,

You get to go to another person and say,

You know,

This happened 10 years ago,

I'm sorry.

I actually did this a couple years ago.

You know how everyone connects on Facebook?

So there was a college friend of mine,

Because I was the weak one.

You know,

I was one who was bullied.

So there was one person who was a little weaker than I was.

So I bullied him.

Because I had to feel good about myself somehow.

So we somehow connected on Facebook,

Hadn't seen him for 20 years,

Whatever.

And I apologized to him.

I said,

I'm sorry,

I did that because I didn't feel good about myself and wasn't right.

And I'm sorry.

And he responded and he was grateful for that.

He understood.

You can apologize.

It's important to apologize.

By the way,

You do not need to be face to face with someone to apologize.

In fact,

Sometimes you should not be in a room with someone.

But you can still do the visualization.

And if you text,

You'll get the link to the website.

There's a meditation there,

How to forgive.

It's the whole process.

And in terms of can someone else make you feel good,

This doesn't mean don't allow other people to make you feel good.

And in fact,

You know,

We discussed gratitude.

There are two sides of gratitude.

And one side was the one we did,

You know,

Picture yourself or picture something that makes you happy.

The other thing is when someone says thank you,

So many times when someone says thank you,

We say,

Oh,

No problem,

No big deal.

You know what you should say?

You're welcome.

So that you can receive.

There's two things.

One,

You can receive from another person.

Just because you can have it all from yourself doesn't mean we're not connected.

We are.

You can receive from another person.

Allow yourself to receive.

The other thing it does is when you say you're welcome,

The other person gets to feel gratitude.

Because if you say no problem,

Right,

One of my clients,

He had a company that he sold,

So he was fairly wealthy and he would donate to these great causes.

And,

You know,

He would share,

You know,

The people who work there,

They come up and they say thank you.

And he would say,

No,

No,

Thank you.

You're the ones who do all the work.

But what he was doing by doing that,

The intention was good,

But what he was doing by doing that was taking away the ability for them in that moment to experience gratitude.

And I said,

No,

You have to allow them to experience gratitude.

Say you're welcome.

So someone says thank you,

Say you're welcome.

I say you're awesome,

You get to say thank you.

You get to receive it because you are.

I have known him for,

I don't know,

20 years or so.

Biggest mention in the music business,

I swear to God.

You know,

People post on Facebook all the stuff about them.

He just posts good stories about other people.

It's all he posts.

It's awesome.

Anyway,

Anybody else?

Any other questions how to practice this?

All right.

Well,

Thank you.

I'm truly honored that you're here.

Please join the Self-Love Revolution.

I'm Jonathan Trowin.

Reviews

Excellent talk. Thank you

Thank you so much!

Wonderful! Wish I had been taught this when I was 10. Now 65, I’ve learned it the hard way. Great to have the lessons so clearly affirmed. Thank you.

Excellent talk. Thank you. Love and blessings 💜x

awesome, inspiring, up lifting, revolutionary!
thank you
thank you
thank you!!!

Amazing ! Thank you!