The Myth Of Forgiveness Chapter 9

Lauren’s relationships are shaped by what happened long ago and the old rules she never agreed to but still follows. This is not a story about how to forgive or why we should; it is a story about what becomes possible when Lauren starts telling the truth about what really happened and how it shaped her life.

Transcript

Before the disappointment,

Before the tests,

And the silence between them,

There had been a time when hope felt effortless.

Lauren could still remember the first night she and Nathan had talked about starting a family,

How his eyes softened,

How she believed that this baby could fill every crack between them,

Giving them both something to pour into.

When months turned into years,

And their hope began to feel like something fragile,

They each took turns holding.

It seemed like every appointment,

Every whispered reassurance,

Began to carry so much unspoken tension.

Each month felt like more hope was quietly draining away.

Lately,

She'd noticed how their house had grown quiet in a different way,

As if the brittleness had taken over.

Nathan had taken to fixing things in the garage just to avoid the empty quiet of the living room,

And she filled her hours with work or errands,

The gym,

Anything that kept her from feeling the ache underneath the routine,

Anything that kept her out of the uncomfortable quiet of their house.

Most days,

The air in the house felt heavy,

Almost haunted,

As if the grief of what they couldn't name had finally taken up residence between them.

Lauren pulled recklessly into the driveway from the fertility clinic,

With a heavy exhale.

She wished she had somewhere else to go,

But instead,

She hastily put everything she'd been carrying,

Just set it down by the door.

She made her way to the guest bedroom,

Sitting down on the corner of the bed,

Feeling numb,

While tears started to stream down her cheeks.

Another disappointment,

On the heels of so many that had come before,

Another conversation she couldn't bear to have with Nathan about what would come next.

It felt like each heavy exhale carried the weight of what had built up over all this time,

As if her body refused to carry it all inside anymore.

Nathan had gone out drinking with friends,

His way of numbing,

Of pushing away the grief that settled over their house like a heavy fog after every negative test,

Each doctor's appointment that offered more questions than answers.

The doorbell rang,

She ignored it,

And it rang again.

She didn't even have the energy to see anyone,

And then she heard his familiar voice.

Hello,

Where are you guys?

I was passing by,

And I wanted to bring back the drill I borrowed.

Nico found her there in the dark room,

Even in the shadows.

He saw her face,

Raw and defeated.

He didn't ask questions,

He didn't offer platitudes or any false comfort,

He just sat beside her on the edge of the bed.

He had always been able to sit with the dark,

To lean into it instead of disappearing the way most people did when confronted with real pain.

They sat like that for what felt like hours,

It was probably only minutes.

Nico,

Matching his breath with hers in a comforting rhythm.

Without words,

His presence said everything she needed to feel.

I'm here,

I see your pain,

You don't have to carry this alone anymore.

Nico knew they'd been trying to conceive for years.

He'd been there for the cautious announcements of new doctors,

New treatments.

He'd also watched his brother's face grow more and more closed off with each setback.

He knew Nathan had a hard time being with grief,

The sadness,

With any emotion that couldn't be fixed with charm or pushing through.

Nico couldn't help but sense judgment,

Maybe even anger at Nathan for leaving her alone with all of this,

For speeding off on his bike the moment things got too heavy,

For drowning out difficult emotions with his friends instead of facing them with Lauren.

He doesn't know how to stay,

Nico said quietly,

As if reading her thoughts.

He never learned how to stay when things hurt,

When dad used to lose it,

And mob would be in tears.

I'd find him out in the treehouse or around the corner at the park,

Anything to avoid the intensity of those times.

It's not an excuse,

Nico pauses,

Sensing the sensitive moment he's just stepped into.

I know,

She whispered,

And meant it,

But knowing didn't make it hurt any less.

Lauren turned to look at him,

And something in her chest cracked open.

His dark eyes held no pity,

Only recognition,

Only the kind of understanding that came from sharing all they had had together all those years ago.

You deserve better than this,

He said,

His voice rough with old anger.

From him,

From me,

His hand tightened around hers.

I left you too,

Lauren.

I know how much I hurt you.

When you needed me to be different,

To be more available to you,

I shut down without explanation.

It's like the pain of not knowing what happened to my dad,

Where he went when I was just eight,

And finding out that he killed the love of my mom's life.

It was all just too much.

Never being able to really feel love from my mom like I used to before it all happened.

It's like it swallowed me whole,

And I disappeared from us completely.

She felt tears threatening again,

But different ones this time.

Not the familiar grief of yet another failed attempt,

But something sharper,

More raw.

We were so young,

Nico.

I knew enough,

He interrupted.

I knew I loved you.

I knew leaving would break us both,

But I was scared of becoming him,

Of hurting you the way he hurt my mom.

That I convinced myself that walking away was somehow noble?

He laughed bitterly,

And with a sharpness in his voice,

He said,

Turns out abandonment hurts just as much as staying and figuring it out as we go along.

The admission hung between them like a bridge neither of them had ever dared cross before.

She could see it all in his face now.

Years of regret,

Of wondering what if,

Of watching her build a life with his brother while knowing he'd left too much unsaid.

When she turned to look at him,

Looking up into his eyes,

His hand was already reaching for hers.

I'm sorry,

He whispered,

His thumb tracing circles on her palm,

For back then,

For disappearing on you when you needed me most.

I just couldn't.

His words broke off,

Swallowed by something too heavy to name,

Too complicated to untangle after all these years.

The apology cracked something open in her that she'd kept sealed since the day he'd shut down,

When he'd been unreachable,

Completely cut off to himself,

Unavailable to her.

She leaned into him,

And before she could think,

Before she could remember all the reasons this was impossible,

Her lips found his.

It was soft at first,

A remembering that deepened into years of buried longing,

Rushing back like a river finally allowed to flow.

He pulled back for a moment,

Searching her face.

Lauren?

Don't,

She breathed,

Don't think,

Just stay.

And when he kissed her again,

It was with the desperate hunger of two people who had spent years pretending they didn't still dream of each other.

His hands found her face,

Her hair,

The curve of her waist,

The moment taking them into each other.

She pulled him closer,

Closer,

Until there was no space left between them for guilt or logic or consequences.

Just this moment,

As if time itself had somehow stopped.

When he pulled her closer,

It felt like coming home to a place she'd forgotten existed.

Every touch felt like an apology for time lost.

They came together with desperate tenderness of two people who'd been holding their breath for years.

She had forgotten what it felt like to be touched like this,

Like she was enough exactly as she was.

In the morning,

Sunlight cut across tangled sheets.

Lauren stared at the ceiling,

Her chest heavy with guilt and something else.

She knew she'd crossed a line she could never uncross.

She walked up the stairs,

Noticing that Nathan hadn't come home at all last night.

She showered and got dressed in silence,

One thought echoing on repeat.

I feel alive.

The realization surprised her after months of feeling like a ghost in her own life.

Something significant had shifted.

She looked at the reflection in the bathroom mirror and thought,

This is what it feels like to be alive again.

After so many months of existing in a fog of disappointment and grief,

There was so much relief in feeling present and real.