Failure

We are not perfect, and sometimes we are going to fail or feel like we have failed. How we view failure has a lot to do with the effect it has on us. In this session, I discuss the concept of failure and how it impacted me on one recent occasion. I outlined how my “failure” was actually not a failure at all. Failure is mostly about self-judgment and self-reprimand as opposed to learning and recognizing that as we journey through life we will come across some bumps on the road, and that's ok.

Transcript

Hello,

It's me,

Joe,

The Autistic Buddhist.

And in this session,

I would like to start with a story.

The story involves a colleague of mine,

And I'm going to call her Odessa,

Which is not her real name.

So,

Here's the story.

Just a few days ago,

Odessa said something about me that was not true,

Which upset me a great deal.

As I was going to attend a meeting with her the next morning,

I started thinking of what I was going to say to her,

Either before the meeting,

After the meeting,

Or maybe during the meeting itself.

My ego instantly grabbed onto the situation and just ran with it,

And my mind became obsessed with what had happened.

It felt as if my mind was in the middle of a hurricane.

As Odessa would be in a meeting with me the next morning,

As I mentioned,

The ego played out stories in my head about what I was going to do or say.

In all honesty,

The ego continued for a while,

Not letting me think of anything else but that one issue.

I went from being upset to then being sad,

And I realized that what made me sad was not necessarily the situation.

It was my own thoughts about failure and self-judgment.

As I reflected on everything that had happened and my reaction to it,

I thought as a Buddhist I had failed.

Thoughts like,

All that meditation work,

And Buddhist study,

And here you are completely in the grip of the ego.

You should have been beyond that by now.

I was having a terrible day.

Then,

Out of nowhere,

A thought struck me.

Why am I focusing on failure,

On what I feel I have done wrong?

Why not focus on what I'm doing right?

I started to think about how different this situation was from my past similar situations,

And what was going right,

What was working here as opposed to before.

For instance,

In the past I would have shared what had happened with others that I knew would rally to my defense,

And influence me to deal with this situation.

But I also know now that doing this would only reinforce the ego.

So in this case,

I didn't share it with anybody.

I decided not to seek the alliance of others,

But to try to seek an alliance with myself.

Before,

I would have no awareness of what was happening in my head.

I would have been so engrossed in it that only option would have been retaliation.

This time,

I did know what was happening in my head.

I knew that the ego,

Like a storm,

Will eventually weaken and dissipate.

So instead of fighting the thoughts,

I flowed with them instead.

I thought of the teachings and past experiences,

And in comparison to the past,

This situation wasn't so bad.

In the past,

I would be planning revenge,

And being mean,

And being miserable to myself and other people.

Also,

In the past,

I would have been thinking that this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

And as I thought about that,

I realized that it was not the worst thing that could possibly happen to me,

And likely wouldn't be.

As I reflected further,

I also noted that in the past,

This would have been a terrible situation,

Because I would have seen myself as a complete failure.

As I reflected further,

I noticed that in the past,

This would have been a lot worse than it is now.

And that to me,

This was not failure,

It was success.

Whenever I discover a way of doing something better,

Or noticing that I'm managing better,

I ecstatically say evolution,

Which is what happened when that thought struck me.

Luckily,

There was no one around me,

Because they would have asked,

Why did you say evolution?

Moving on,

One of the things that the practice has taught me,

Is to view the notion of failure differently.

As an autistic person,

Failure can be debilitating,

And have a significant negative impact.

That again,

In the past,

Would have kept me miserable for days,

Not just hours.

The practice taught me not to resist,

But to accept that there will be times when I will fall back on old patterns,

And become unnecessarily negative.

In the story I started this session with,

I was able to become aware of what was happening,

Something I could never do before.

And what this did was make the situation less painful.

It allowed me to regain control,

And question what was happening in my head.

What awareness brought me,

In the middle of my mental chaos,

Was the ability to ask myself,

What are some things you can do to ease this suffering,

To slow it down?

And I was able to come up with some answers.

And those answers were based on knowledge,

On knowing myself,

And knowing how I think,

And how I react.

Imagine injuring yourself,

And looking at your injury,

And being in pain,

And a state of panic.

Now,

Imagine injuring yourself in the same manner as before,

But this time you're a doctor.

You have all the skills,

And all the knowledge that a doctor has.

You will still be in pain,

But you won't be panicking,

Because of your knowledge,

Because the emotion associated with this situation is vastly reduced,

Because of what you know.

And this is what meditation has done.

I have also learned over time,

That self-judgment is a terrible thing that we do to ourselves.

And in my situation,

I saw self-blame for what it was.

Me,

Judging me,

Me,

Hurting me.

In the past,

This would have led right into a depression.

So whenever one of those thoughts came up,

I would put a yes but right after it.

For example,

Joe,

You shouldn't be this angry.

As a Buddhist,

This shouldn't affect you at all.

Yes,

But I am this angry,

And I know how to navigate through it,

And I'm better able to deal with it than any other time before.

Or,

Joe,

You should not be thinking about revenge.

That's terrible.

That's horrible.

Yes,

But I am,

And I know I'm thinking about it,

And eventually I will stop thinking about it.

When I think to myself that I have failed,

I also now think,

Well,

I tried,

But I'm not perfect.

Once,

I was in a discussion with some people,

And someone made a comment about a situation that made me quite sad.

One person picked up on this and suddenly said to me,

I thought you were a Buddhist,

So why are you so upset?

And I replied,

I am a Buddhist,

But I'm not a perfect one.

Your failures are not you.

They are attempts.

They are reactions.

It is important that we remind ourselves that we are reacting,

And that is what the ego does,

And you can manage it,

And you will survive it.

We're not perfect.

Don't strive for perfection.

Just strive to do the best you can in that situation.

Imagine telling someone this.

I want to be a professional runner so I can run in marathons,

And I want to train myself to the point where I will win every race.

We know that no matter how long and hard you train,

You will not win every race.

Our culture certainly doesn't help us manage the idea of failure,

Because in Western culture,

Failure is associated with fault,

And you somehow being deficient.

It's not seen as a part of existence or part of life,

Not seen as a way of learning or becoming better.

One quote we hear often in our culture is,

Winners never quit.

To be honest,

There are so many times in my life where I wish I would have quit,

Where I wish I would have quit and let go,

Instead of prolonging my own suffering.

Do you know that I have a picture of the Buddha,

And on it,

It says the following in sequence.

Awaken,

Seek truth,

Stumble,

Try again.

I really like that picture and those words.

I like it because it reminds me that along the path of life,

I'm going to stumble.

It doesn't say you might stumble or be careful not to stumble.

It says stumble,

Which means I will.

Buddhism does not stop you from failing.

It's not a vaccination against failure.

You will continue to fail every once in a while,

No matter how long and how frequent you meditate.

Buddhism did not eliminate failure for my life,

And I'm pretty confident that if I continue to meditate for the rest of my life and practice Buddhism,

It still won't eliminate failure for my life.

What it did is it changed how I react to it.

Now,

Back to my story.

As I mentioned,

After what Odessa said,

My ego spent a lot of time and energy obsessing over what was going to happen the next day at the meeting.

Having become aware of what the ego was doing and how I was reacted,

I decided that I would speak to Odessa gently and kindly after the meeting and tell her what she said had upset me.

At the meeting the next morning,

When everyone was there and the meeting was about to start,

Odessa spoke first,

And she looked right at me and said,

Yesterday,

I said something to Joe which was wrong,

And it upset him.

Joe,

I'm sorry for what I said,

And I apologize.

And then the meeting continued after that.

Once again,

Thank you very much for giving me the gift of your time and listening to this session.

I hope it's brought you some benefit,

And my experience has been useful to you in some way.

Reviews

Helped tremendously ! Thank you . Validation. 👍🏻🙏🏻

A heartwarming reminder that all of life is practice. Thank you.

This was so helpful! I have this busy little mind that can so easily obsess about failure & negativity, and totally overlook the positive. There are so many positives in my life to be grateful for, not least the opportunity to meditate. Thank you

Thank you Joe for the insightful story and talk. Am putting this in my favourites 😊🙏

Good to meet you this morning. I am glad to have heard your message. Thank you so much

I just needed this, I was struggling with feelings of failure. I am on tha Autistic spectrum myself, It helps to hear others testimony how they cope and 'accept' such a 'constraint', especially in situations where one's behaviour can be understood as a reaction, consequence of that condition. And feeling 'guilty' isn't helpful.

That was an excellent talk, and I really needed it! Thank you so much, Joe. 🙏🏾

A really powerful reminder that stumnling is human 🙏🏻

This is very helpful. I am closer to seeing a way to both set healthy boundaries with others, and not obsess in a horrible way when I feel wronged by people who can’t even tell what my boundaries are because I am still learning how to do all this growth and health stuff. Plus, I might manage a little more compassion for others’ struggles now. At least I hope I will. I will perhaps need to listen to this several more times, but I suppose that’s okay also. Thanks, Joe.

Thank you Joe! Guess awakening is not about being perfect. Maybe a different look at our imperfections.

Thank you, Joe, for reminding me that failure is a part of growth and life. 🙏😊