Alone, Not Lonely.

In Buddhism and Autism there is a significant difference between being alone and being lonely. Often Neurotypicals and Western Culture have a negative view of being alone and equate it with being lonely. For many Neurotypicals the idea of being alone and/or lonely is a condition that they desperately want to avoid, whereas for Buddhists and (some) Autistics, it is a highly respected condition, signifying an achievement and a life preference.

Transcript

Hello,

It's Joe,

The Autistic Buddhist.

And today I'm going to talk about being alone and being lonely.

Two very different things.

I've always been treated slightly different when it came to the issue of socializing.

As I may have mentioned in previous sessions,

I prefer to do things alone.

I'm perfectly comfortable going to a movie,

Having dinner,

Or going to an event alone.

This,

As I have discovered throughout the years,

Is a trait of my autism.

Earlier in my life,

When I would mention to people having done something alone,

Like going to a movie,

I would get two different responses.

The first was pity.

People felt sorry for me because I had no one to go to the movies with,

And they would make statements like,

Hey Joe,

Next time you want to go to the movies and you don't have someone to go with,

Call me.

People felt sorry for me.

They would look at me with a sense of sadness,

And on occasion would try to compensate by asking me to go to their events or spending time with me.

The second reaction I got was one of uncertainty.

People felt that if I was doing these things by myself,

It means I was somehow damaged or unstable.

I mean,

Who would go to watch a sports event by themselves?

I had always found these reactions irritating because they were reactions based on assumptions.

Assumptions that were not accurate,

And if I tried to explain it,

Then those who felt pity thought I was trying to cover up my loneliness,

And those who felt unsure saw it as further evidence of damaged thinking.

Once this issue came up during a therapy session,

Many,

Many,

Many years ago,

I explained to my therapist,

Ann,

The whole dynamic regarding me being alone,

But not being lonely.

I told her everything about the reactions I would get.

I told her the whole story.

I was expecting Ann to give me a clinical explanation about how my brain works and how some people are fine being alone,

But what she said completely shocked me.

Ann said,

It's cultural.

I stared at her for a while and asked,

What's cultural?

And Ann replied,

The reactions you're getting.

She went on,

In Western culture,

Your behaviour is seen as a deficit or a deviation.

Western culture puts a tremendous amount of emphasis on the social group,

Its cohesion and its maintenance,

And you are outside the social group,

So you are viewed negatively.

Then Ann asked me,

You like Buddhism,

Right?

Yes,

It fascinates me,

I replied.

Ann then explained,

As an Eastern religion and philosophy,

Buddhists put a tremendous emphasis on meditation,

An activity that must be done and perfected alone.

Buddhists see the path towards liberation as a path that can only be taken alone.

So in a Buddhist culture,

Ann explained,

You will not be seen as someone to feel sorry for,

But one who is held in high esteem.

At this time,

My interest in Buddhism was just starting.

So I took Ann's suggestion and did a lot of reading and I found out that she was right.

It was cultural,

But it was my autism as well.

I studied this aspect of Buddhist philosophy and found that solitude is not only the core of meditative practice,

But also the arena where one tries to recognize and rise above the self.

As I read somewhere in a Buddhist text,

To conquer others requires force,

To conquer the self requires strength.

My inclination and comfort on being alone due to my autism and the Buddhist emphasis on solitude completely complemented each other.

When I started to meditate,

It seemed natural.

I could do it anywhere,

By myself.

So when I spoke to other Buddhists of isolation and solitude,

They did not see me as damaged,

But as a person connected to the Dharma,

Which is the Buddhist teachings.

As I said earlier,

This orientation towards solitude was not only about culture,

It was also about being autistic.

I have met many level 1 autistic people and our orientation towards isolation seems very natural to us.

But to neurotypicals,

It can be a very difficult thing to understand.

Neurotypicals generally considered it a deficit and in their willingness to help,

Being more social or engaging only makes things more uncomfortable for me.

I think it would be helpful to outline the fallacies and realities of the autistic orientation towards solitude,

At least how I have experienced it.

Here are some common errors that people make about autistic people and myself and their desire for seclusion.

The first one is,

Being alone is not being lonely.

This is very important.

Do not ascribe an autistic person's solitary behaviour,

Doing things that are normally done in groups,

As a deficit.

I like to do things alone.

I meditate alone,

I exercise alone,

I travel alone,

But I am not lonely.

In my life,

I have spent periods of time by myself or done things by myself and not once,

Not ever have I felt lonely.

Solitude is my orientation.

The other error people make is that,

They tend to see me as a person who doesn't like people.

Often times,

Some have mistaken my orientation towards solitude as not liking people.

This is not the case.

I do like people and enjoy the conversations I have with them.

But if I feel I want to do something by myself,

Then that is my preferred choice.

For example,

If the task is to plan a program in a group,

I would prefer to create the program myself and then present it to the group later.

I do that a lot at work where when making plans or programs for people,

I will propose going off on my own and creating my own plan and presenting it to the committee or task force later.

The group or committee will review my plan,

Sometimes they will change it,

Sometimes they will incorporate it into their plan,

Sometimes they will completely disregard it.

I have no investment as to what happens to the plan once I'm finished with it.

The other assumption that people make is that,

I don't need people.

This is another common misconception,

That I don't need people,

In the sense that I don't want to rely on people.

Also incorrect.

Throughout my life,

I have had to rely on people and I'm very grateful that they were there to help me.

At some point,

I have relied on the opinions and skills of doctors,

Therapists,

Counselors,

Technicians,

Mechanics,

Nurses,

And so on and on.

My thinking,

And the thinking of many of the other Level 1 Autistics I have met,

Is that relying on people is just an essential part of life.

In addition,

I,

As well as many other Level 1 Autistic people,

Will have a deep interest in something,

More intense than a hobby,

And in our desire to learn and know more about that interest,

They will seek out and rely on others who know more about that interest than they do.

I call it Expert Finding.

When I have a deep interest in something,

I will seek out experts in that very thing,

And connect with them.

Another error people make is that,

Being anti-social or rude.

They view my preference for solitude,

My orientation towards solitude,

As being anti-social or rude.

I've been accused of this many times,

When in certain settings when I tend to avoid groups or conversations,

It isn't about being anti-social.

It is that I don't have the skill set to interact effectively in those settings.

To help me with these types of situations,

I have developed my theory of scripts.

That is,

That there is a script to be followed in every social interaction.

Now,

The majority of people are very well versed in these scripts,

Such as how to behave at a party,

Or any social gathering.

Make sure you do this,

Pay attention to that,

And respond this way when someone approaches you.

For neurotypicals,

There is no real need to learn these scripts.

They are almost inherent and part of the person.

My situation is that in my brain,

Some of these scripts are missing,

Or incomplete.

So I don't have a ready skill set to rely on in certain situations.

In addition,

Some of these scripts are very difficult to learn and I may not be able to learn some of them at all.

Let's use our imagination to think of a situation that mirrors what I'm talking about.

Imagine that you are in a play and you have been given a script that outlines the story,

Who your character is,

What you're going to say,

And where you are.

You practice the script over and over so when the play is on,

You no longer have to rely on the script because you have committed it to memory and know exactly what to say,

To whom,

And when.

Now,

Imagine that just before the play is about to start,

The director comes to you and says,

Hey,

We've made several changes to your character and dialogue.

I don't have the new script to give you,

So go out there and do your best.

How would you feel going out on stage in front of an audience to act in a play where you no longer have any idea of what to say to whom or when?

That feeling,

Which I would think would be one of extreme panic and anxiety,

Is how I feel when I'm in a social setting without the script.

The other error people make in reference to solitude is,

They think I'm arrogant.

Another criticism I have heard in reference to my comfort with solitude is that of arrogance.

Some have felt that somehow I feel I'm better than them or don't have the time for them.

Again,

This is a misconception.

Now,

I would like to explain,

At least for me,

And perhaps some other autistic people,

What being alone actually does or means.

Aside from it being an orientation towards solitude,

It does other things as well.

For example,

Recuperation.

I often ask people what they do to rest and recover and from my neurotypical friends,

I often get answers like,

Socialize with my friends,

We go out,

We go out to dinner,

We go out to a public event.

All sorts of things that involved interacting with others.

When I am tired,

Overworked,

Low on energy,

I rest and recuperate by doing solitary things or being alone.

This is how I rest.

Another item,

Escapism.

Similar to resting and recovering,

Being alone allows me to engage in activities that offer me the opportunity to temporarily escape or forget the hardships of the day or an event.

My orientation towards solitude also allows me to complete what I call assessments.

Everyone needs time to think,

Understand circumstances,

Or review information in order to make a decision.

I am sure at some point you have heard someone say,

I need time to think about this,

Or I just need time to think.

For me,

That time takes a little longer than most and it must be done in solitude.

Now,

I would like to talk about how Buddhism entered my life and how it completely complemented this orientation towards solitude.

There is a lot of emphasis in Buddhism about overcoming the self,

Achieving a state where you are beyond self and beyond ego.

In Buddhism,

The self is the ego.

It is our petty attachments,

Sense of entitlement,

Superiority,

And our distorted perspective of the reality around us and what keeps us stuck in suffering.

The path taken to overcome the self is highly respected in Buddhism.

It is not only highly respected,

But is considered sacred.

The path taken to this liberation of self can only be taken alone.

Of course,

Teachers can point the way and give you guidance.

They can say,

Try this or try that,

But ultimately the only one who can travel that path is you.

That is why when I meet fellow Buddhists,

I bow.

I bow to demonstrate respect for their journey,

The path they have taken,

The path of solitude.

And remember,

That solitude is as much a state of mind as it is a location.

For example,

Sit or stand in a garden by yourself without anyone else around.

There you are in a garden by yourself.

Are you alone?

Think on this.

In the garden,

Plants are growing,

There are birds in the sky,

There are insects working and looking for food on the ground or flying in the air.

How can you say in this garden,

So full of life,

That you are alone?

Buddhism helped in providing me with a philosophy that validates my solitude.

As an autistic person,

I need periods of solitude and as a Buddhist,

I recognize I can only walk the path towards liberation alone.

The two complement each other nicely.

So,

Solitude is not only about recuperation and such,

But it is also about walking the path with the one person who will always be with me,

Myself.

Thank you very much for taking time to listen to this session.

I hope you have found it useful and beneficial.

Reviews

Not be overly invested in the outcomes of whether your ideas are taken up, u’re not alone when there’s so much life going in nature. Great reminders!

I can't tell how much this means to me . I'm on the spectrum , as they say , and have had all of these circumstances happen at one time or another. I'm grateful for this and it was extremely helpful ! 👍🏻🙏🏻

Thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Very helpful perspective. Made me reframe me thoughts that I’m currently stuck in. I could do more of this. 💖✨

Joe.. They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I loved this talk so much. I'm busy doing a long course on meditation right now on IT but throughout these days I am going to begin consuming your beautiful words into my soul. I really really needed to hear this today. Thank you so much.

I find myself quite shaken by how much of this talk resonates with me: although I value my friends I am comfortable with my own company for much of the time and with the company of my animals. Social occasions can be very challenging and over the years I have learned to “act the part”. You’re right, Buddhism does fit with solitude, although sometimes it would be nice to mix with like-minded people. Thank you for the insights

Thank you for sharing your experiences and guiding me to better understanding about Buddhists and autistsm. This helped me so much with understanding my two autistic nephews who both clearly love their alone time, it is good to hear that they are most likely not feeling lonely. 🙏💜🙇‍♀️

This explains so much about my behaviors throughout the years. I feel much better. Thank you! 🙏

Many of the traits you attribute to autism are the same as those I experience as an introvert and empath. You offer valuable insight and an enjoyable, educational experience. Thank you 🙏

Thank you for this talk and for sharing your perspective on “being alone”.
Much appreciated 🙏

I was having a bad day and feeling really low but after hearing this as an autistic Buddhist myself, you have opened my eyes. I am still trying to understand myself and why I am the way I am but you've cleared a path for me. I'm very grateful to you for this meditation. I hope to hear much more

this is so validating!! thank you for describing everything i’ve ever felt into words (yet struggled to get others to understand.)

I am so grateful to have come across your teachings, thank you so much and I look forward to learning more from you!