Learn To Communicate & Manifest Your Dream Relationships

This workshop style episode will help you learn to create open communication, call in, and align to your desired dream relationships whether that's a soulmate partner, friendship, employee, co-worker, parent, or child relationship.

In this workshop you will learn to:
- Foster open and safe communication with your partner.
- Redefining "equality" in partnership relationships.
- Attune to the frequency of self-worth and inner love.
- Determine your soul relationship desires.
- Connect with who YOU need to be to call these relationships in.
- Identify and begin to work through your inner blocks and resistance.
- Calling them in and being able to hold them

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Healing Maven podcast.

I am your host,

Jamie Sutherland,

Spiritual healer,

Teacher,

And guide,

Bringing you back home to the divinely supported,

Loving,

Joyous,

Powerful being that you are within.

Today I want to talk about relationships.

I want to talk about inner worth and how they're tied to self-love.

Because your relationship,

The relationship you desire,

Is completely connected to your inner self-worth.

And not just connected,

But determined.

It's determined by your inner self-worth because what you believe you deserve in a partner is exactly what you will receive.

No matter what you think that you want,

What you think that you deserve,

What you subconsciously believe you are worthy of in a partner,

In a relationship,

Is exactly what you are going to get.

That is why it is so important to really be aware of what the level of love is that you believe you're worthy of because that becomes your minimum set point.

So when you're holding trauma within,

Unconsciously,

Whether around how worthy you are,

It brings that set point down because you're not completely aware,

Right?

That is the purpose of it being subconscious.

That is the purpose of it being below the level of what you are aware of,

Below what you know within your mind,

What you know within your head.

You really have to get down into that inner self-worth.

And the way that you can see is because you can look at your relationships that you have directly right now.

You can see the way that you are being treated.

You can feel the way that your relationships make you feel.

That is indicating to you a level of set point that you are,

You know,

Settling for less than what you deserve,

Settling for less than what you want even.

But you're settling for less than what you want.

So if you look at your relationships and you're like,

I don't actually want that behavior.

I don't like that action.

I don't like when they say this,

When they do this,

When it makes me feel this way.

But it's the relationship I have.

Why?

You know,

Why do you feel like whatever you have right now,

If it is less than what you actually want from a partner,

Want from a friendship,

Want from your family,

If it's less than what you desire,

Why do you believe that you deserve less?

Why do you believe that what you desire is less than what you can actually have?

And the way that you know that is because you are experiencing less than what you desire.

And it makes me sad because I do see people who settle for each other where they're just,

They're not a match or they were never a match,

But they were once a match,

But they have a fear of being alone.

So they're afraid to break off or break away.

Or they,

They people please because they don't know how to break it off.

Or they believe that being unhappy and not like miserable,

Necessarily,

Not depressed,

But just literally not being as happy as they can be,

Isn't reason enough to make a change.

So they wait unhappily for the other person to break it off or,

Or even to do something that's just awful,

That will give them a reason to make a change,

Whether that is to leave or to demand more or to set up boundaries or whatever that might be.

It's like they want the other person to do this horrendous thing so that they have a reason and then whether for themselves to be able to be like,

Of course I had to leave,

You know,

I had to break it off.

I know I did the right thing.

It's like there needs to be this terrible thing for us to feel like it was the right thing to end a relationship because ending or changing a relationship just because we are unhappy isn't enough.

And that just makes me really sad because we are meant to be happy.

We are meant to feel good.

But if you don't think you're worthy of more and not think,

If you don't feel,

If you don't know that you are worthy of more,

Then you go,

Oh,

It's close enough.

Well,

You know,

It's enough.

Or it was so hard to find this person and I'm afraid I might not find another.

Or it's just really lonely to be alone.

And it's hard to be alone.

And that's scary to be alone.

It's so tied to your worth.

It is all tied to how lovable you believe you are and how much love you feel for yourself.

And you might be thinking,

Oh,

You know,

I'm I do love myself.

I'm happy most of the time.

And I am positive with myself.

And I try to I try to think positively and love on my body and love on myself.

But then you look at your relationships and you aren't being treated well.

Or you just aren't being treated in the way that you want to be treated.

That's not self-love.

Self-love is not only loving yourself with your words,

Loving yourself with your thoughts,

But loving yourself so deeply,

So much that you set standards for your experiences,

That you set standards for the relationships that you allow for the relationships you welcome in.

You set standards for everything.

And then you not stick to them necessarily,

But you you support them.

You what word am I looking for here?

Uphold.

You uphold them.

You love yourself so much that you uphold those boundaries,

Those standards,

Those expectations for what you desire to experience.

That is true,

Deep self-love,

Deep inner worth.

Because someone who loves themselves completely,

Unconditionally,

Doesn't settle for less.

They take what they love from each relationship and they build upon it.

So if you are attracting the same type of person or the same types of behaviors over and over and over,

It's because you aren't learning.

You're not upholding that boundary.

You're not experiencing this relationship to find out pieces that you like,

Pieces that you don't like.

And it doesn't mean that we're necessarily leaving every relationship.

But when you discover something new,

That you're like,

Oof,

I didn't really like that.

That wasn't for me.

You communicate it.

Because again,

You love yourself so much that you communicate your needs.

You communicate your new desires.

Everything we experience,

This is so important,

Because everything we experience is with the purpose of discovering and fine-tuning exactly what is right for us.

It's about learning what we need to change just as much as what we desire.

So as you are moving through relationship experiences,

You're changing,

You're growing,

And then you're communicating that with the person that you're with so that they can either decide to meet you in these new boundaries,

In these new desires,

Or they can decide that's not something that they want to pursue and you make different decisions.

When you are in relationships,

You are always,

Always,

In my opinion,

Choosing to come together,

Choosing to stay together,

Choosing that that is the person for you.

And you have to re-choose,

Re-select,

Re-affirm that they are who you want,

Because everybody changes.

And if we're supposed to be with somebody,

Or we choose to be with somebody,

A partner,

A friendship,

Whatever that might be,

For decades,

Right?

For decades,

You're going to change,

Which means you have to re-choose.

This was a really big thing for my partner and I.

We've been together for 13 years,

I think,

Coming up this year?

13 years?

Maybe 12?

And we've been married for,

I think,

Six or seven.

And three years ago,

Three years ago,

Four years ago,

When I really first started deciding that I wanted something different than the life that we had kind of been living,

When I decided that I wanted something more,

And I started my own healing journey,

And I really dove into discovering who I am and what I want,

And what will make me happy.

Because it's also my responsibility.

Your happiness is your responsibility.

Everyone around you that you invite into your life,

The experiences,

The people that you invite into your life,

Add to your happiness.

Build upon your happiness.

But you have to be happy already.

Like,

You have to be creating that within yourself and for yourself.

You are the only one responsible for what you allow in or what you ask to leave or remove from your life.

That is your responsibility.

Your happiness is your responsibility.

So when I took that on,

And I really took it on,

And I really started going deeply into how I want to live and what I want to experience,

That eventually included what I want from my partner.

How I want to be seen and felt and loved by the person that I was with.

So that meant that we had to have lots of new conversations,

Lots of new discoveries.

Sometimes it felt like dating all over again,

Learning each other all over again,

Especially for me,

Because I,

Or especially for him,

Because I had changed so much.

Who I am now is so different from who I was,

And the core elements of course are still there,

But I am so different,

And he had to re-choose.

So we have had many conversations over the years as I went through new breakdowns,

New soul deaths,

New ego deaths,

Not soul deaths,

But new soul awakenings,

New ego deaths.

Every time I went through something major and I came out with a new piece of myself that I had rediscovered with a new gift,

With a new experience,

With a new desire,

A new manifestation,

We would have conversations.

And I remember being really afraid,

And I honestly had to actually grieve who we were as a couple before.

I had to grieve those people in order to create space for us to become the new people,

The new couple,

The new partner,

Who we were gonna be moving forward if we decided to stay together.

And I remember being so afraid,

But having to ask him,

Like saying to him,

I need you to choose me again,

Who I am now,

Because I understand that it's not necessarily fair to just assume or put pressure on you have to stay with me when I'm a completely different person than I was before.

Like you deserve happiness just as much as I do.

So if I am no longer the person that you can see yourself with,

Because that is how different I am,

I understand.

But if you do want to continue to choose me,

I'm ready to choose you too and rediscover who we are together,

Rediscover each other,

Rediscover everything.

But it's a choice,

Right?

It was a choice,

And I wanted him to make that choice,

Not from a sense of,

Well,

We've made it this far,

Or you know,

A sense of,

Well,

We've been together for so long,

There's a history.

History is history.

History is in the past,

And I'm not saying that it means nothing.

I love our history.

We have beautiful history,

But my future is going to be different.

So while I can hold love and appreciate that history,

That is not who I am anymore.

So that is not possibly who you can be.

You know,

There's new levels that we both are going to have to meet each other in,

And I'm not dipping down anymore.

And that was big because that felt a little bit selfish when I first started exploring it,

You know?

But I was like,

You know what?

I'm not,

I'm not lowering myself to a level of who I used to be.

So not even necessarily,

Well,

Absolutely nothing to do with him,

But I was no longer lowering myself to who I used to be,

The person that I used to be.

So that meant that if there was aspects of that person that I used to be that he wanted,

I was no longer being that person,

Because it didn't feel good anymore.

It didn't feel aligned anymore.

So he also kind of had to go through his own grieving process,

And I don't know how much he has.

We haven't talked about that as deeply,

Because that is his journey,

And I'm always open to hearing it,

Of course,

But his journey is his,

Just as mine is mine.

And then we come together to re-communicate and re-find each other.

It is so important to continue choosing each other,

And to take what you love from each relationship,

From each point that you're at,

And build upon it.

So you're filtering and honing your desires.

You're filtering and honing the person,

The partner that you want to have,

So that every experience is a learning where you start to become a match for the partner that you desire,

So that when they come in,

You're able to recognize them,

And they're also able to recognize you.

Because as you are honing,

Hopefully so are they.

As you are healing,

Hopefully so are they.

And again,

It isn't to say that if you're in a relationship already,

Where every box isn't being met,

That it can't be.

But as you discover the new things you appreciate in a partner,

As you both change,

And you grow,

And you want more,

Or you want different,

Or you want less,

Learn to communicate that with each other,

And learn to do it in a space knowing that you both just want to be loved,

And you both just want to love each other.

And then you both have the choice whether or not to meet each other in your new wants,

And your new needs,

And or,

You know,

What isn't gonna work.

And sometimes you might find compromise,

But don't find compromise that feels bad.

And I'm also not saying that things are going to happen overnight.

This is a big thing,

Where we think sometimes,

And I think because when we are first communicating,

Or first learning,

Or first communicating,

You know,

It does feel vulnerable,

And it does feel scary,

And it does feel like this new thing that you're doing.

So you almost have to like amp yourself up.

So if you feel like you have to kind of amp yourself up in order to meet that person,

And express your needs,

That's totally fine.

I totally get that.

But also try to make space for yourself before you enter that conversation,

And find a place of love.

Like,

I am communicating this because of how much I love myself,

And this is a way that I desire to be loved.

This is a place where I desire to be met.

So if this person is a person who will be able to meet me there,

Because they're the person who is going to love me,

They will.

And it might not happen immediately.

It might take a little bit of time.

There might be a transition period,

Right?

My poor husband.

My poor husband,

When I,

Like I said,

Was beginning my journey,

There were so many things that I just kind of threw at him,

Because I was doing it very willy-nilly,

Right?

I was doing a lot of it on my own,

From my own study,

My own learning,

My own healing.

So that meant that he was kind of learning at the same time that I was.

So all the things that I know now,

All the things that I guide my clients on now,

All the things that I teach now on how to communicate with your partner,

On how to create safe,

Loving spaces first,

On how to make sure you're connecting with your intention,

On how to make sure that the boundary that you're building,

The desire that you're pressing,

How to make sure that all of those things are coming from a pure place of love and soul desire.

Heart intention.

Not ego,

Not human,

But from the depth of your soul.

This is what I desire.

And they are different.

And you can learn to tell the difference.

So all these things that I know now about basically creating the foundations,

And it's almost prep work.

Foundational prep work,

Before you decide to heal,

Before you decide to really intentionally dive into your own healing journey,

If you have a partner that you can help ease it for them as well,

So that the transition for you both is understood,

So that the communication is open,

So that the lines are open.

I didn't have that.

We didn't have that.

So we were both like just tossed into the fire.

And everything that I was learning,

He was almost learning it at the same time.

It was emotional.

It was tumultuous.

It was a lot for both of us.

And we're on the other side now.

But man,

Did it take a while.

It took,

You know,

It took a few years.

It does not have to take that long for you.

It does not.

I have so many tools and just practices that I now know how to integrate and implement and uphold.

Hold to.

These are the things that I now pass along.

These are the things that I teach.

These are the things that I help you create.

So that when you enter your healing portal,

It's so much smoother.

It's so much smoother.

Another thing about partnerships is equal partnerships aren't necessarily partners who do everything quote-unquote equally.

To me,

It's partners who are able to meet their partner where they want them or they need them.

So as someone who's been married and with the same partner for over a decade,

Communication will make or break your relationship.

And it's definitely come close to breaking myself.

I'm sure that my partner would say similar things.

He's definitely had breaking points.

But as you start to vibrate at a higher frequency that's a match for the soul within you,

It's also a pure match for everything you desire.

Because as you start healing those worthy wounds within yourself,

You start clearing the emotional trauma,

You start becoming a match for what you desire,

And you start to understand that you can meet each other in partnership where it will feel equal because you are being held in the energy that you want to be held in and they are being held in the energy they want to be held in.

And because you are taking care of yourself first,

Because you're taking care of your happiness first,

Your needs,

Your wants,

And then communicating so that your partner knows what you need,

They're able to just be support.

They're able to be your help.

They're the support team when you need it.

But you also know how to support yourself.

You also know how to meet yourself.

So in those equal partnerships,

You find your equilibrium.

And what your equilibrium is going to be is going to be different from anybody else.

And you won't know what that equilibrium is going to be until you know who you are,

Until you have that deep inner self-worth and inner self-love so that you attract your match.

You begin to get out of the way and you begin to attract in the relationships that you want as you become the person who can hold and honor them.

You become the person who can receive because they feel so completely worthy of everything that they desire.

So in your experiences,

I really encourage you to have so much grace and patience for yourself because it can be frustrating.

You know,

I know that it can be frustrating trying to find a partner.

And I also know that it is impressed upon us by society,

By family,

To find a partner,

To get married,

To have kids,

To buy a home,

To get a job,

To have a girl,

Like all the things.

You know,

Finding love is something that is pushed upon us,

But sometimes we get caught up in the stigma of it,

In the status of it,

In the checking off the boxes of it.

And the only box,

In my opinion,

That we should be worried about checking is,

Are we happy?

Does this feel good?

Do I feel good when I have it,

When I hold it,

When I'm around it?

And are we growing?

Can I grow on my own?

Can they grow on their own?

Are we growing together?

Are we meeting each other?

Do we choose each other every day?

Relationships are something I love talking about.

I think because my husband and I did it by the seat of our pants,

They're something that I'm very passionate about,

Especially because of how much I see young people stay with the person that they were in high school or stay with the person that they met in college,

Not because they want to,

But because they feel like they're supposed to.

And people can absolutely find themselves or find each other,

Well,

They can find themselves too,

But they can find themselves,

They can find each other at any age.

I think you can absolutely meet your partner at 16,

17,

But I also think you can meet your partner at 25,

At 30,

At 40,

At 50.

There is no age,

And that doesn't mean you have to be lonely if you're somebody who finds their person a little bit later,

Quote-unquote later,

In life.

You can build that within yourself,

And I know it sounds cliche,

And I know you might be listening,

And you might be going,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

You've been married for 12 years,

Or you've been together for 12 years.

That does not mean that I have not had the loneliest or been the loneliest that I've ever,

Ever been.

You have to choose every day the person that you're with.

There's no assumptions.

There's no,

This is just it because it's it.

You get to choose.

Start by choosing yourself.

An exercise that I want to take you through to begin honing in on your dream relationship,

On your desired love,

On the partner that you want,

And making sure that it's really coming from a place of love and coming from a place of what you want,

Not what you think you're supposed to want or what you're supposed to have.

The first thing I want you to do is make a list of what you desire to have in your dream relationship,

And this can go for any type of relationship.

If you want to do a love relationship like a partner,

Or if you want to do friendship,

Or if you want to do it for the type of co-workers that you want to have,

The type of employees you want to have,

The type of boss you want to have,

Anything.

Any kind of relationship with your children,

The kind of relationship you want to have with your children,

You can do this for anything.

So make a list of the dreamiest qualities you want them to have,

The dreamiest personality traits,

The way that they act,

The way that they behave,

The way that they speak,

And don't hold back.

Don't think about what you've once had unless it's something you want to carry forward,

Or want to make sure that you don't carry forward.

So just stream of consciousness,

Make a list,

Everything you want your partner to have,

The perfect wonderful partner for you.

What does that look like?

How do they make you feel?

And then once you're done,

Go through and reframe any,

You know,

Quote unquote negative things.

Like if you have said,

I don't want my partner to have this,

Change that into,

I do want them to have versions.

You want to make sure that everything is in positive because your subconscious doesn't recognize words like can't or don't,

So you really want to make sure that they are in want,

Desire,

They will be.

And as you go through,

Like get more detailed if it feels good,

Add a little bit more,

Cross things out.

And then once you're done,

I want you to put the list down and take a moment and take a couple deep breaths.

I want you to wiggle your body,

Move the energy,

Root into the ground,

Root into mama earth,

Center yourself,

Get back into your core,

Bring up feelings of love from your belly,

From your heart,

From wherever,

From everywhere,

And just hold that feeling of love within you for a moment.

What it feels like to be loved so deeply,

Unconditionally by yourself,

So deeply,

Unconditionally by the person you're about to call in.

And then go back to your list and take note of how each point feels in your body.

As you read each point,

How likely or possible does it feel?

And on a separate piece of paper,

You know,

Jot down the feeling and make sure you label the feeling.

Like you really want to,

You don't want to say,

I don't think this is possible.

I want you to say,

This point that a person would be able to do this for me makes me feel anxious,

Or I get sad,

Or I feel grief.

So really go through and just pay attention to how you feel when you read it,

Because how you feel when you read it is going to help show you which points on your list of a desired partner are either not fully aligned,

So you're going to go deeper into those ones to say,

Is this coming from me?

Is this a desire in my partner that I want?

Or is this coming from something else,

Or somebody else,

Or somewhere else?

Something I was raised on?

Something I heard?

And if it was from someone else,

Is this something that I really want?

And then it's also going to tell you if there is a belief underneath that telling you that you're not worthy.

So you're also going to go through and just pay attention to how you're feeling,

And if it feels anxious,

And you're like,

Or you have those negative thoughts come in that are like,

Come on,

That's that's out there.

Like there's no way you're going to have that.

Any thoughts,

Trails of thoughts,

That come through like that are attached to beliefs.

So you want to pay attention to those,

Jot those down,

And you're not judging.

You're not trying to cure them,

Or heal them,

Or move them in that moment.

You're just paying attention.

You're just making notes.

Once you're done,

And you have that,

And you have the points that you don't fully feel a hundred percent about,

That you don't just purely feel happy,

Or excited,

Or joyous,

Or loving about,

You want to take those points and gather them together.

Go back to making sure that they are what you want,

And not what you're supposed to have,

Or not what you think you should have,

And then go underneath it.

If they are one that you know that you want,

Go underneath it,

And ask your body.

Close your eyes,

And bring this point to mind,

And ask your body,

Do I feel worthy of this?

And just listen,

And pay attention,

And then I often will take those,

And I will journal on them further.

So I will stream of consciousness,

Allow myself to just write.

Like that just means no judging,

No timing,

And I take the point,

And I start with,

I don't really feel worthy of someone who will love me in this specific way.

Enter the point that you're journaling about,

And I think it's because of blah blah blah,

Or it makes me feel anxious,

Because when I think about it,

I'm like,

How would somebody ever,

And I've never seen that before,

It's not something that I've ever.

.

.

Really just allow yourself to journal,

Allow yourself to continue journaling until it's just all spent,

And you will notice,

And you will find,

The more that you do it,

The more that you practice,

Eventually it will start to peter out,

And it will even start to shift.

So your writing will start to shift into,

I actually don't believe this is true.

This is something that I really do want,

And I am worthy of it,

Because.

.

.

And just allow the words to flow.

And if you don't find it shifts right away,

Because this isn't a practice that you have done before,

That you do very often,

And you're not used to just connecting and allowing things to flow,

You can do it yourself.

So what you can do after you have sort of let out the belief,

You've just written out all the horrible things,

Quote unquote horrible things,

All the reasons that you don't deserve that,

That you don't think you can have that,

That you don't think it's possible,

And then I want you to,

Once you feel spent,

If it didn't shift for you in the entry as you were writing,

Go back to it and re-read it with an open mind.

First,

Allow yourself actually to calm down,

Because you'll feel spent,

You'll feel energetically spent,

And you can even take a break if you need.

Get up,

Walk around,

Go do something else,

And then come back to it.

And just re-read it,

And notice how you feel different.

Notice where times you are reading it,

And the thought that's coming in now is actually,

Is this really true?

Do I really think that?

I don't think I really think that.

And then begin to write again and say,

I actually believe that,

And then allow yourself to write.

This is going to help you start to reframe consciously.

So it's helping you attach or become aware of your subconscious by getting in deep deeply into how you feel,

By getting deeply into the points,

The beliefs,

And then it's going to allow you to reframe consciously.

And while you're reframing it consciously in this exercise,

You are shifting subconsciously,

And it will be so subtle sometimes.

Sometimes it'll be big,

You'll have epiphany moments,

Other times it's going to be so subtle.

Well,

You will finish your exercise,

Move on,

And in the next conversation you have with your partner,

Or on the next date that you have with a new person,

You will realize you are different.

They will do something that is an old pattern,

And you will under,

You will react differently.

And then after you will,

Like the recognition dawns,

And you'll go,

Holy crap,

That is you shifting your subconscious beliefs.

So this is an incredible exercise,

And one that will help you not only connect with the love for yourself,

Because whatever you desire in your dreamiest partner,

And your dreamiest friendships,

And your dreamiest relationships,

That's showing you how much you love yourself.

And in order to attract that in,

You're going to have to become the person who feels so friggin worthy of it,

Who loves themselves so much that they don't settle for less,

Because this is just what I get to have,

Because this is my new energetic minimum,

Because this is my new minimum set point.

I hope that this episode has been so illuminating for you,

And I hope that you have gleaned so many beautiful things.

Please share with me if you had any moments,

If you do this exercise,

Message me on Instagram,

Message me on Facebook,

Leave a comment on the podcast episode below.

Let me know.

I love hearing you guys change.

I love hearing you guys shift.

I love hearing how what I am creating is helping you,

And how you're connecting with it.

And if you want to go deeper,

That's also something I love to know.

I'd be so happy to go deeper on anything I talked about in this podcast.

And if you feel called,

Please leave a review so that other people can find this podcast,

Can find us,

And just join us.

Join our community.

So thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for tuning in,

And I hope you have a beautiful,

Beautiful day.

Reviews

I liked your talk a lot. I was wondering if you have ever talked more deeply about the part you emphasized at the beginning of this talk. How the relationships we seek are at the level of our self worth. That we can’t have the relationships we desire (everything we would write about what we want from another, we first need to apply to ourselves). Loneliness just can’t be taken away by someone else. We cannot love and be loved by someone else if we don’t love ourselves, if we don’t value ourselves. It is a journey we can travel with others by our side. But the more I learn, the more I realize love has to be healed within me and it is a never ending journey with others around me to love and be loved.