2. A Mother's Gaze

Jackie receives wisdom from her Tarot Cards and her body. She is working too hard outside, she wishes to finish her first book but she is busy with all the other things. She also understands that she needs to let go of control.

She wishes to establish the link between her Mother and her own inner child.

Music bu Rahul Popawala, North Indian Alleys

Transcript

Yoni,

My Sacred Space,

Second episode.

Disclaimer.

This is a survivor's diary.

Her experience is unique and personal.

In sharing it,

She reveals the path she took to open up to life after a series of extraordinary hardships.

It's not a recipe to be applied,

But rather the chronicle of her gradual awakening.

Dear listeners,

The narrator's words may affect sensitive people.

If you're feeling difficult emotions,

Please talk to a professional or a friend,

And I'm here to hear and receive your impressions.

Yannick Villeneuve,

Author and narrator.

April 12,

2021.

Top Shape.

400 kilometers of skiing for a first season.

I'm in the best shape of my life,

Both in my mind and my body.

But I gave my back a little stretch,

A reminder that life isn't all black and white.

It's a signal to slow down,

To observe and ease into life,

To stop trying to control it.

I put a lot of pressure on myself in planning to sell the house.

I imagined living with nothing,

Missing our modern comfort.

It was like traveling back in time.

I realized I'm still holding on a lot of things,

And seeing me without them scared me.

I also understood the origin of my phobia of water.

As a child,

I couldn't imagine myself floating.

I had no confidence in the support that water offered me.

It was as if I'd never trusted it,

Even in the womb,

Where I was bathed in amniotic fluid.

From the moment I was born,

To comfort myself,

I sought eye contact with minors,

That eye contact that I've never been able to make.

My mother was a woman who never laid eyes on me,

Always on the run,

Trying to catch all the other things other than me.

April 13th Minor lumbar sprain confirmed.

So after Phil left for work,

I went back to bed with my magic bag,

And I might as well meditate on insight.

Today we were learning to accept the life that enters us,

And how to stop trying to block the flow.

I first need to stop wanting to protect my heart,

So it doesn't break again.

Through the trials and tribulation of life,

I've became the queen of broken hearts.

Thanks to my shield and my armor,

I prevented my already shattered heart from being ground into powder.

Unfortunately,

No one told me back then,

That with the right care,

It could be rebuilt,

Healed,

And grown.

Life is all about breakage and repair.

Like a bodybuilder,

I have to micro-tear my muscle,

So that it rebuilds itself,

And becomes stronger than before.

The heart too,

Has to work out to get stronger.

So I'm learning to let life enter me.

I put my face in the wind.

I go out when it's raining,

When it's cold.

I take in the sun and the moon.

I can't take only the good and easy things.

If I want to be brave,

I have to let Mother Nature do its thing,

And accept that I cannot no longer control anything.

April 16th A bubble of authenticity.

I believe that the common intention of a group facilitates the bond between people,

More than the obligation to maintain relations with a blood family.

I can be authentic in a bubble of authenticity,

Just as much as I can't be authentic in the face of hypocrisy.

It's the mirror effect.

Today I'm reflecting on the physical and energetic discomforts I experience when I practice what we call people-pleasing.

For me it's self-sacrifice for the comfort of others.

I've made a specialty of it in my life in general,

And I think that having played the waitress for a living for years is the ultimate archetype.

I was afraid to displease,

Afraid of losing the love from the others.

Fear again.

It's hiding everywhere,

Behind all blind corners.

During my last summer in my homeland,

I had become asthmatic.

I was lacking air in my life,

And it was showing physically.

I used to catch my breath outside,

Strangely enough,

By running.

It was the only time I was alone.

It was my moving meditation away from the energy of the house and the office.

Connecting my physical body with my breathing is what made me emerge,

As if I cracked my shell while jogging.

April 20th.

I feel heavy this morning.

I woke up my lumbar sprain looking for Willy the Cat last night.

I asked my card for a portrait of my emotional heaviness.

In the center,

Justice came upside down,

With temperance below.

The emperor on the left,

The devil on the right,

And the pope sitting above.

My angel feels turned upside down,

Torn between her past,

Her ego and her rules.

She has to find a balance in all this.

I'm like the air bubble in a level looking for the middle.

I feel compelled to give up writing my book in favor of gardening.

I feel overwhelmed by all there is to do.

I feel caught up in the must-dos,

Forgetting lightness,

Forgetting to dance and sing.

I feel caught between my obligations and the duty to meet my darkness and confront it.

If I had a car,

I'd go paddle boarding.

I'd go sliding on the water.

If I had a car and the restaurants were open,

I'd go eat sushi alone,

Quietly.

If there was no pandemic,

I'd go to see a friend.

But I don't know which one.

I don't know if there's anyone on earth who could take me as I am right now,

My hands full,

Crying for my life.

Venus has just entered Taurus,

And it's going to be like that for the next three weeks.

I have to wrestle with my roles,

Find my place,

Look for the expression of beauty in the opposition of feminine and masculine,

The black and the white.

I've never experienced the link between a mother and her daughter.

I looked for that connection this morning on my meditation cushion.

I saw myself again in my little doll's bed,

Desperately seeking the eye contact that binds mother and daughter.

I was met with an evasive gaze,

Filled with shame and fear.

This absence of the fundamental visual link transmitted to me,

I believe,

Some of my mother's anxieties.

I never had any children myself.

I was scared of plunging my eyes into an innocent gaze that would see all my ugliness,

But love me at the same time.

Fear of being loved unconditionally and having a responsibility to that love,

An obligatory bond.

I felt I could not fill my part of the contract,

Like my mom.

I was abandoned when I was born.

To heal definitely from that,

I must break the cycle and plunge my eyes into those of my own mother,

The one waiting for me with open arms inside me.

Phil had a beautiful dream,

And hearing him tell me about it made me feel good.

We passed into another dimension,

Hand in hand,

Fearless and curious.

We realize once again that we're caught up in a system we're trying to escape.

But this time,

Phil and I have taken action to adjust our dreams.

We can choose to eliminate what we desire.

We need to change ourselves,

Not our house.

We're going to make another garden and plant trees.

We're going to commit to providing them with the care and soil they need to establish themselves,

Nourish them so that they in turn nourish us with the air they filter,

The carbon they fix,

The fruit they bear,

And the shelter they provide for birds.

To be committed to the space where we live,

Turn it into a sanctuary.

New moon,

New intentions.

By understanding my past,

I want to return to the world and walk slowly along the spiritual path.

April 27,

2021.

Full moon and pink supermoon.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger.

I know it's encapsulated deep inside my flesh.

A movement is set into motion.

I want to dive to see what's lurking below.

It's the devil greeting me head down.

He's active like he's dancing.

This agitation worries the empress who's turned inside out.

Her gaze is fixed on the pope who seems to be explaining something to her,

Some teaching,

Some wisdom.

The fool overlooks the whole scene,

Walking towards the wheel.

He looks back calmly and resolutely.

He's walking towards his destiny.

A mysterious alchemy washes him,

Clean and makes him stronger.

He exchanges his hat and staff for a crown and a gold wand encrusted with red stones.

April 28.

I was meditating while holding my uterus in my hands,

Gently.

I'm so grateful to be healthy.

I'm making a wish this morning to preserve my body in its entirety.

I'm making it a priority.

It's not easy to sit down and listen to yourself think.

Inside me,

I know it's my way to avoid the disease.

I have to work downstream,

Stir,

Heal and accept all that I am.

From now on,

I'm taking care of myself,

Giving me time and space,

The same way I would do for my best friend.

April 29.

Gratitude.

Thank you for the black and white.

Thank you for sending me here at the right time.

Thank you for putting people on my path who guided me to live the life I have today.

Thanks to my ordinary life,

To my yeast that makes good bread,

To the gardens that gives me vegetables.

Thanks to the wisdom of my grandmother who knew how to live by the river.

May 3.

Phil.

If I'm an anchor for someone,

That person must be a weirdo.

Jackie,

You have the gift to tell yourself stories and believe in them.

Accepting destiny,

The universality of my wounds,

And facing them head on.

The cards ask me to turn my back on material possessions and worldly riches,

To return,

Naked in the water,

To talk humbly with the birds.

I must consult the lantern guide and find deep within myself the teachings of the past and transform them into something new.

I must express myself with the justice of my heart,

Weighing good and evil.

I must use the hanged man's robe as a necklace,

Transform it into an ornament,

And face the shadows ambushed in my underworld.

May 7,

2021.

The day after ovulation.

Quite a storm.

I spent yesterday far away in the cave.

I should have stayed in bed.

Even Witty got his pow stung by a bumblebee.

But today I feel better.

Self-compassion.

I need to take care of myself and I've crossed the line again.

My body's wisdom sent me a seasonal allergy to slow down.

I'm going too fast,

Too hard,

And I have too many projects.

May 12,

2021.

I feel the energy of the earth.

I feel all my nerves carrying this energy.

I understand the message of the force.

I don't have to do everything today.

I managed to calm myself down,

To put my desires in order,

To act less but better.

I feel like a cocoon ready to explode.

I have to go slowly so as not to break anything.

Meditation is my intrinsic nature.

Thoughts of the city create clouds around me and blur my vision.

To be is to meditate.

The eye becomes clear and can see until the end of time.

May 13,

2021.

I have the feeling of making circles and finding myself in both.

I start to draw a spiral instead of a straight line.

This morning in the hen house,

I harvested an egg,

Thanks to my grandmother's wisdom who knew how to take care of chickens.

Taking the right action at the right time to become a better person.

I have to learn to read nature's sign,

To work with her rather than against or in competition.

My bedside book becomes the bud or the leaf where I can learn how to respect nature's calendar.

May 20,

2021.

I work on writing my book in my head,

But I always find something else to do,

Especially when comes the times to sit with the computer.

Rereading other authors gives me confidence in the way my book has come together.

I don't want to change it anymore,

At least not the way I left it.

I'm not going to do a big sequential novel.

Instead,

I'm going to do little portraits,

Keeping to the spiritual diary style.

I don't have to play hide and seek to please anyone.

It's all there.

May 21,

2021.

She just left without asking me anything.

It had been there for so long that to live without her was unknown to me.

First summer,

First autumn,

First Christmas.

Hands free.

Sometimes she visits me for a short while,

But never long enough to dive back in and become friends again.

It's a bit like having an old roommate.

It's not the same after the lease is up.

That time will never come again.

My thirst is gone,

About a year ago.

Now armed with my magic,

I don't mind.

I have flowers to plant and so many stories to tell.

May 25.

Card.

Messages.

You must master your demons,

The devil.

You're supported.

You're not alone,

The sun.

A better world is coming,

The world.

You have to let go of what's no longer useful in order to be reborn.

No name.

In your true nature,

The Empress.

As a writer and a life giver.

May 26,

2021.

Total lunar eclipse.

Super flower moon.

It seems like a long time since May.

It's funny.

Maybe because it's been so intense.

Yesterday was fertilization day.

I watched the strawberry rise and the tomato plant turn green between two waterings.

I eat the West Coast.

I'm part of my ecosystem.

I'm more and more integrated.

Slowly,

I'm applying biodynamic principles,

Respecting the lunar calendar,

Feeding my soil with my natural fertilizers.

I feel a sense of accomplishments when I look at the gardens and in my basket,

Already filled with our vegetables and eggs,

In May.

Reviews

A story to absorb.Janick’s beautiful story,sharing life experiences as a gift. And realizing life is powerfully, helpfully, lovingly black and white.
Wow. Embracing both is freeing. I’m grateful to and in awe of, Janick. Yet again😉You’ve helped me. Thank you❤️

This has fulfilled me in ways I did not expect. I will listen to this again in it's entirety. Again. I see myself in you I see myself in your writing. I have looked for her for so long now, and because of you Janick, I am finding myself for the very first time. Thank you does not seem enough. I will go now and sit quietly with myself outside with the sun. I look forward to seeing you again.
Love and gratitude I send to you now and always 💕💕💕