13. Under A Full Moon Lighting

Jackie and her world are under the influence of the light of the full moon and the darkness of the eclipse. Her nature emerges as The Nature is unleashed. She heals from her mother's grief by better understanding the drama she has lived through. She experiences a week of contrasts that ends with her version of the Forgiveness ceremony.

Music : Yasumu, Secret Garden

Transcript

Episode 13,

Under a full moon lighting.

Trigger warning.

In this episode,

There will be references to traumas,

Death,

Dying and departed.

Please be aware.

Janik November 16,

2021 It's the first snowfall of autumn.

A new light dawns on the white carpet.

Everything is peaceful and soft.

I drew some tarot cards this morning.

I'm just playing with the major arcanas for now.

I've arranged my five picks in the shape of a cross.

One in the middle and four others at each cardinal point.

The star is at the north,

Symbolizing my vocation and destiny.

Below,

At the center,

Is the moon,

A reminder of my feminine energy and intuitive strength.

To the west,

I reveal the temperance,

Reminding me to keep my balance,

To practice moderation and perseverance.

To the east of the moon,

The justice looks at me straight in the eye,

Inviting me to decide and make the right choices.

And down south,

The death is inviting me to transform,

Pluck and get rid of the crowned heads that no longer serve me.

I feel this evolution in me,

And the cards are confirming it as well.

I have reached another level in my quest for healing.

I've become a woman,

And the presence of three female figures in my tarot reading indicates three archetypes with which I can dress up the skeleton of the death card.

The parts of me I wanted to hide are now in the foreground.

They've come into the world,

The water flows freely,

And I'm no longer afraid of the barking dogs or any crawfish scaring me in the dark.

I'm now able to persevere,

I can stay in balance,

I am free to make my own decisions.

I make better choices,

Enlightened by the moon and the stars,

My star.

I am becoming the mother,

My own mother.

I'm now capable to look to a child in the eye.

Rude awakening in winter mode.

The thermometer reads minus 14 degrees Celsius.

The coastal part of BC,

Near where I live,

Has been washed away by torrential rains.

Major roads were destroyed,

And entire towns were submerged and evacuated.

Since the pandemic,

We learned how supply chains work,

So to see in the news the road links cut between us and our main food supplier was enough to send a wave of panic through my fellow citizens.

The fear of running out seized many of us.

People rushed to the grocery store,

Fighting over meat packages,

While some members of my family traveled hundreds of kilometers to buy toilet paper.

It was a great session of panic shopping.

I am truly grateful to be where I am,

Safe in a mountain,

Far from this fear.

My pantry and freezers are full,

Thanks to my gardens and foresight.

We also host a team of laying chickens.

We own a generator in case of power failure.

We can live without the city,

That's the mission I set myself over a year ago.

We were right to make this choice,

As we felt that the disaster has only just begun.

The full moon and an eclipse are approaching,

And it's a very powerful time for transformation.

Phil and I are letting ourselves slide,

Surrendering to the rhythms of the universe,

With grace,

Joy and blissfulness.

I've just finished reading the five Toltec agreements.

I don't want to become a star in the society manner.

I want to shine from within.

I'm learning to speak impeccably to others and to myself.

I try to not take anything personally,

And not to tell myself any more stories.

I learn to communicate my desires clearly.

I'm doing my best every day,

And I'm questioning my beliefs and what others tell me.

I have to be attentive at all times to avoid relapsing into judgment,

Backbiting and envy.

I'm finally getting to know who I am.

I took up genealogy as well.

I'm realizing that I am much more than just my single story.

I am thousand stories,

All gathered together.

And I'm unique and the last.

Thousands of years of evolution will end with my death.

Having had no children,

I won't leave my DNA,

But I can leave everything else.

What I am I can bequeath to those around me.

And when I leave,

I will have accomplished my mission and be able to live in truth all the time.

In a more practical way,

I've freed up a lot of time by cooking more efficiently,

Using my culinary talents to create tasty meals without spending half my day on it.

I'm now directing these precious hours towards my artistic creativity,

Working on my dream.

I'm finally the main actress in my life.

I've realized that too.

No more supporting role.

No more feeling that I owe anything to anyone.

I decide what I do,

What I listen to,

What I put on my plate.

I now know what I want,

And I take the practical means to get there.

I fix my mind on simple things instead of playing myself scenarios.

I'm also taking this precious time to rework my manuscript.

I'm going to make it beautiful,

For me,

Without expectations or feedback from others to whom I've sent a copy.

I've taken a step back,

Cultivated a thick layer of moss around my heart,

And to soften it,

I'm filtering my words.

In the manner of my ancestor,

Guillaume Boilly,

One of the first blacksmiths arrived 400 years ago from France.

I heat my words over the fire to remove the superfluous,

So that in the end,

What remains will last over time.

I find myself a bit like Jacques Kerouac too.

I'm ahead of my time.

That's why I didn't think publishers would be interested in my manuscript.

I'm going to receive the wave my book raises in other ways,

Not in the traditional format of a printed book.

It's for these reasons that I'm not looking for publication.

My goal is rather my healing.

I'm further than worldly concerns.

I write for my own sake.

November 18,

2021 Forgiveness,

The theme of today's meditation,

Day 35 of the transformation course.

The ultimate tool.

But for it to work,

I need to be ready.

To forgive,

I have to understand and master the narrative I told myself.

Once the major elements had been revealed,

I am now able to forgive.

Before,

All I did was make meaningless visits to a confessional,

Expressing empty words.

I'd come out with a punishment,

A Hail Mary to recite ten times,

And I'd move on to my little life without really being able to change anything.

I took this 40-day meditation course without really knowing what I would transform.

I thought I was already doing pretty well in my evolution,

But I realized that it's never over,

That the biggest forgiveness I have to give is to myself.

In forgiving to my family members,

I accept that everyone did their best,

That it was their solution,

And above all,

That it had nothing to do with me personally,

Either for or against.

My hell was my creation,

The interpretation I made of my tragedy,

Repeating it to myself in the darkness of my mind.

I tied myself with the rope of my beliefs.

Thus handcuffed,

I had no choice but to wage war against me.

I tried to destroy the child who didn't deserve her own mother's love.

I slowly choked myself,

At first with food,

Then with beer,

Bad relationship and career choices that didn't suit me.

Anyway,

In my subconscious,

I was no better.

I filled my body and mind with all kinds of garbage,

Lies,

Unspoken words,

Concealment.

I killed the mother in me.

I murdered my sacred feminine.

I put on man's costume,

Spoke loudly and became a caricature.

Being masculine made me feel strong,

Like I was wearing an exoskeleton.

I could move in the world without it really touching me.

I was distant and numb,

Without suffering.

But today,

As I forgive my mother's gesture,

I understand the sequence of events that led up to that fatal day.

Understanding has replaced anger,

And one by one,

I'm able to remove negative emotions by their opposite.

At the same time,

Bad habits are replaced by healthy one.

I'm taking ownership of my past,

Transforming and making it beautiful.

For once,

I'm applying myself to what I do,

And seeing it through the end.

The woman in me is gradually rebuilding.

She's learning what makes her who she is.

She's learning how to make a good fire,

How to insulate her house,

How to care for her tender areas with gentleness.

Gone is the boy-shaped exoskeleton.

Now,

A mini-home is under construction.

The wild woman is celebrating inside my heart.

November 22,

2021 I have the capacity to accept the unacceptable.

This is a quote from my father.

While doing my genealogical research,

I came across a document from a Canadian census.

A woman with the same name as my mother was in Northern Ontario,

Actually in her father's native village,

In 1972.

What was she doing there,

Hundreds of miles from home?

Could it be her or a namesake?

The census was done during the month of my conception.

Could I be the biological child of a man other than my father?

A doubt has arisen in me so strongly that I have ordered a genetic test.

Science will be able to find out for sure.

While meditating,

I had the impression of receiving a cosmic download.

My eyes,

Although closed,

Were looking everywhere.

Rays of light were coming from all sides.

I was seeing flashes of all colors.

I had the feeling of living my enlightenment.

The answers come to confirm which family I belong to.

Strangely enough,

I don't feel any negative emotions or anxiety.

As my father taught me,

I prepare myself to accept the unacceptable.

Joy.

Another theme for this busy full moon.

We watched an interview with a philosopher and writer who happens to be Phil's father.

This scholar made me understand the importance of joy in the healing process.

As soon as I heard my mother was dead,

I denied myself access to joy.

How could I laugh knowing that?

From then on,

I replaced joy with fleeting pleasures.

I resisted the hard versions of my addictions,

But I cultivated all the soft variants of them,

Keeping me in a second state from which no introspection was possible.

Now I understand the importance of joy.

It's not disrespectful to those who have left to be happy.

On the contrary,

It's a celebration and a demonstration of the power of life.

The big difference between joy and a sugar rush is in its very nature.

The first is cultivated and grows.

It doesn't arrive from outside in a great wave of euphoria.

It opens like a flower and comes from within.

I realized that I find the mind in the activities that bring me peace,

Contact with nature,

Like cooking or gardening.

My joys exist when the time fades.

Cultivating it is like preparing a garden.

I have to know what I like and make it grow.

As a human being,

I have the ability to put on shows that will bring me happiness.

I plant trees and flower bulbs so that the next spring I can observe the beauty of nature blooming in front of my eyes with the bees and the butterflies at my side.

Taking care of Willy the cat,

The birds that live in and outside my house,

Pleasing them by feeding their feeders,

Playing with them,

Eating my chickens' eggs.

On each of these occasions,

I feel a joy that multiplies because it's accompanied by other good vibrations like gratitude and grace.

I care for myself now as if I were my best friend.

This practice took me a long time to tame.

I was learning from afar.

I treat my body like a temple and no longer like a dumpster.

I take it in my arms.

I make it feel that I love it.

I nurture my vital organs with pure water and food from my gardens.

I let the sun nourish my skin.

I exercise my muscles.

I breathe mountain air.

All that became also one of my joys to be alive.

My household is reflecting it too by organizing and cleaning it so that every time someone walks in,

It smells good and it feels homey.

I tend the fire and let the light shine in.

I've spent enough time in the dark room of my grief.

Now it's time to reveal myself.

November 23rd,

2021 The last of my mother's brother is dying.

A space opens up on the wheel.

A movement begins.

A transformation is getting completed.

I'm moving forward,

Occupying this new space,

The one freed by memories attached to the past.

It's the fear inspired by the old uncle that fades away.

It's the smell of tobacco and gin that dissipates into the air to be recycled.

With the end of this life disappears the dissimulation and perversity that has contaminated my life up to now.

I'm now ready to accept the unacceptable,

That everything I believed could be wrong,

Even my own origins,

Even the reasons why he did what he did.

Yesterday in my bath,

I forgave that uncle.

I forgave him in my mother's name.

I did it out loud so that my message would be carried by the air and resonate at its destination to fulfill my intention deep inside.

Immersed in water,

I pray peacefully,

In peace,

With all my family.