Freedom From Stuck - Healing Secondary Gain

When we find ourselves stuck sometimes the reason is secondary gain. A perceived benefit from an unhelpful behavior. In this talk, journaling and meditation Jamie helps you uncover what's going on under the hood and takes you through healing to shift it. (Note: This meditation is recorded and repurposed from a live event and may contain light non-intrusive background sounds.) Enjoy.
Music by Christopher Gabriel

Transcript

So I want to talk about something that's a psychological term called secondary gain.

And I wanted to bring this to your awareness,

See where this is going on in your life so that you can shift out of it over time.

No pressure here.

And bring it into our meditation too.

The meditation is going to be more,

Let's relax and see what new information comes to us.

Because as weird as this can sound,

This is science.

We're all part of this quantum field of energy.

And what happens with our thoughts and beliefs is they're focused in such a direction for such a long time that we don't realize there's other possibilities of beliefs and thoughts.

They seem so real to us.

We identify with them.

We live and die by them.

We don't want them to change.

Here's the other thing.

We don't feel safe changing them because we haven't seen proof that the opposite could be possible.

So we're like,

Wait a minute,

That's not realistic.

I don't want to let go of that thought because there isn't anything new to replace it with.

And that's not true.

So today what we're going to do is kind of see,

Okay,

What's going on in here?

And then what could I,

We're not going to do some affirming and I need to believe this if I don't believe this.

We're going to be smart about it.

And we're going to open our mind and go,

Well,

Let me see if I can find proof of this other reality in my life.

So let's get to the exercise of secondary gain.

So secondary gain means,

And I'm not a psychologist,

So I'm going to do my best here,

But I do understand people and I do understand the mind.

So secondary gain means we,

And I'll give you an example of how this played out in my life.

It's exactly as it sounds.

We hold on to something that is negative,

That is hurting us because it's actually bringing us a benefit,

Or at least we think it's bringing us a benefit.

So the world of habits and addictions,

Secondary gain,

Right?

It might be,

We might be overindulging in something,

But it's giving us a feeling of relief.

So we're getting something from it.

Hiding a part of your personality to fit in huge secondary gain.

Well,

People love and accept me and approve of me,

But I'm suffocating inside because I'm not allowed to be myself.

Mine was in the physical ailment arena.

Secondary gain for me was,

And a lot of people have this one,

Which is why I'm sharing it.

I only get attention.

I only get nurturing and care when I'm unwell.

If I'm good,

If I'm thriving,

If every single area of my life is good,

Well,

Then people are like,

Oh,

She's okay.

She doesn't need us to check in on her or send her things or hug her or ask her how she is.

And so that was what I was carrying around as a secondary gain of,

Well,

If I have this thing,

Then people take care of me and nurture me.

So I want to take a second here with you,

And you can take a deep breath and close your eyes.

And if you get your phone or your computer going and you're multitasking,

Just sit it down for a second,

Because this can change your life,

What we're doing right now.

So just take a deep breath and fill your bottom on the ground and close your eyes if you want.

Just tune in and let your guidance guide you right now,

Your inner guidance as to what wants to be worked through today.

So let's just look.

What area of your life tends to be a chronic issue?

And we're looking for the eyes of compassion and innocence because we all do this.

We all do this,

And it's a survival mechanism in our brain.

So on one level,

It's wonderful.

But then we kind of go,

I want to evolve past this.

This is a little outdated,

And I'm kind of curious what else is out there.

I can come back to this if I want.

I just want to see.

I want to see.

So what area of my life am I having issues in?

Am I chronically struggling with money?

Am I chronically not living the life I want?

Do I have trouble being myself?

Do I have a physical issue?

What is it for you?

What area is being highlighted in your consciousness right now?

Let's let that come into your mind.

And then now that you have the topic,

I want you just to relax and breathe.

There's no straining here.

The answer doesn't come yet,

Doesn't come.

But I'm just going to ask ourselves,

What secondary gain am I receiving by this thing being in my life?

This thing being in my life,

Am I getting approval or love or belonging or comfort or safety in a place where I could get a more healthy comfort or safety or love?

But how is this thing,

Even if it's hurting me,

On one level benefiting you?

What am I,

What is my secondary gain with this thing?

And just breathe and relax.

And let's just see what comes into your awareness.

And if this feels good to you,

I want you just to write this down.

So you're going to be,

If you want,

Working on this one over the next month to just completely change this version of your life.

So you can put it in your phone notes,

Paper.

You don't need to tell anybody.

We all do it.

This is what's going on in my life.

This is the secondary gain.

And all we're doing is getting curious now.

So I want you to write down next,

Right before we go into this meditation,

What could be a new way,

A new belief?

Again,

Remember we're not affirming it.

We're opening to seeing proof of what's already here.

Even if we can't see it yet,

This is actually how our brain works.

Many of you hear me talk about this.

We have a system in our brain called the reticular activating system.

Its job is the safety monitor and it finds proof of what it believes.

So if you don't have this new belief installed in your brain yet,

It's not going to see proof of it.

Very bizarre.

It's how our keys can be right in front of our face or our glasses can be on our head.

And we're like,

Where are my glasses?

We're not stupid.

Our brain's doing some weird stuff.

Same thing.

It's not looking for it.

Can't see it.

So what could be an opposite way?

So for example,

I'll give you an example of mine.

I am only nurtured and cared for if there's a physical thing going on in my life.

So the new way is I am nurtured and cared for when I am well by myself and others.

So what's the opposite?

What's the new way you could open your mind to remember?

You don't need to believe it yet.

Just.

It's the opposite.

What do you want instead?

So,

For example,

If you've been afraid of people being jealous of you for having a lot of money and your secondary gain was to not have a lot of money,

It could be I am appreciated and loved and approved of by myself and others when I have an unlimited financial flow.

So just jot that down.

After you've written these three things down,

Your secondary gain,

The old belief and the new belief,

We're just going to relax into the meditation.

So you can sit up,

You can lay down.

There's no right or wrong way here.

And I had you write it down so that you can remember it,

But we're going to be pulling this new belief into the meditation.

There's no right or wrong way to sit or lay down.

We're simply relaxing and opening our mind.

The greatest gift you can offer yourself today is a willingness to be wrong.

Our brain hates when we're wrong and upgrading to a new way.

We go brain,

It's okay if you're wrong.

We're all wrong.

And maybe you weren't wrong.

You just are a little outdated and this system needs a reboot.

That's all.

And I appreciate you keeping me safe because you did.

But I'm this powerful,

Sovereign,

Co-creative being.

And I'm kind of curious if there's another possibility for me.

And if there is,

That would be cool.

So you just let the body relax and you start to breathe into your belly.

So three deep breaths into the belly,

Expanding it like a balloon.

And release.

Just let your eyes relax.

The eyes can be strained,

So just let them soften.

Breathing in and out of the belly.

And just notice,

Let your energy ground and settle in as you notice that your body's connected underneath of you and behind you.

And begin to become an observer of your thoughts.

So it's okay to feel the stuff that comes in and out.

It's very normal and human.

But just let your energy ground and settle in as you notice that your body's connected underneath of you and behind you.

So just let your energy ground and settle in as you notice that your body's connected.

So it's okay to feel the stuff that comes in and out.

It's very normal and human.

But just for now,

Instead of getting so sticky and in there,

We're just zooming out a little bit.

And we have the ability to toggle in between and in and out of the two.

Nice soft eyes,

Nice relaxed body.

Just letting your body begin to melt like butter into bread.

You got nothing to do right now here with me.

It's easy here with me.

You get to change here with me,

Gently and easily.

You don't have to dive off the deep end.

You offer yourself a massive amount of understanding and compassion.

That even the habits and the goofy stuff that we carry around is all done in innocence.

All of it.

You're not broken or flawed.

Your brain is awesome and it's protecting you from stuff that's been handed down.

So we say to our brain,

It's okay.

Even if it's a bit destructive,

It's okay.

You're here of innocence.

And there's an adult in the room now.

Relax our nervous system as we let it know I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm behind my relaxed eyes and I'm in my body.

And I'm breathing into my belly and I'm settling into the earth and I'm just allowing myself to be here.

Noticing the clouds of my thinking move in and out without any need to be right.

And I allow myself to settle a little bit deeper within.

Nice and relaxed,

Nice and soft,

Nice and easy.

And I allow this thing that my awareness wants me to see today to come into my awareness,

Almost like I see it in my mind's eye in front of me.

This repeated pattern in my life.

And I say,

I see you,

I see you and I'm sorry for your pain.

Thank you for keeping me safe when I needed you.

I appreciate you.

I'm sending you all the love and compassion and understanding.

And it's time for me to graduate.

I didn't stay in elementary school my whole life.

I went to middle school.

Then I went to high school.

And so this belief system got me through and I'm ready to graduate to something new if that's possible.

So while you're going to be in my life for a little bit because you were created,

I'm just going to hold you loosely.

I'm going to hold you really loosely and I'm going to stop identifying with you.

And like a balloon floating into the sky right now,

I'm just going to hold you in your arms and I'm going to hold you in your arms and I'm going to hold you in your arms and and like a balloon floating into the sky right now,

I'm just going to set you free to release out of my life in your own time.

And so my eyes soften and my body relaxes and I melt like butter into bread.

And I breathe into my belly and I let go of that which I was holding on to.

Because that was never me.

That was a repeated pattern in my brain.

Thank you,

But I choose to graduate now.

As my outside world changes as my inside world as my inside world does.

And so I pulled this new belief that I don't quite resonate with yet,

But I'm open in front of me.

I don't need to believe it.

I'm just open to it.

And so I kind of look at it and it's in front of me.

I don't have proof of it yet and that's okay.

I'm just open to it.

But I'm just going to say it in my mind,

This new way.

And I say to myself,

Wouldn't it be nice if this was true?

I'm going to say it in my mind,

This new way.

And I say to myself,

Wouldn't it be nice if this was true?

This new way.

And I say to myself,

Even if I don't have proof of this yet,

That's okay.

My brain hasn't seen it yet because I didn't have that lens or that lens.

Because I didn't have that lens programmed and so it wasn't created in my reality yet.

But science shows me that when I open my mind to seeing this,

I will see this.

Which will then move my neurons in a new direction.

While this might feel new and funky at first,

I simply keep my mind open.

And I play a little game this week.

I allow myself to start to look for proof of this new belief.

Even if it's small,

I'll start a little note section in my phone.

When these new energies enter my reality.

And so all I'm going to do right now is keep my mind open and affirm,

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Affirm,

Wouldn't that be awesome?

That would feel so cool when examples of this come into my life.

I am amidst unlimited possibilities.

And I look forward to the moments that I do see proof of this new way.

And I allow my nervous system to relax around the old way and open to the new way.

I allow this feeling of patience and grace and safety to be with me on this gradual,

Gentle transition from one to the other.

And I allow my eyes to soften and my body to melt like butter into bread.

Breathing in and out of my belly.

All I'm going to do for these next few moments is keep my mind open to new thoughts,

New energies,

Letting this river start to flow.

Maybe images or sensations pop into my mind in accordance to my new creation.

I allow myself to simply gloriously enjoy being the observer.

Relaxed,

Open,

Moving from one way to the other.

Moving from one way to the other.

Moving from one way to the other.

We allow our minds to be in the mode of experimentation and curiosity.

And as we can tell our brain,

We can go back to this other way if this doesn't work out for us.

I trust you,

But for fun as an experiment,

Let's just see,

Let's just see,

Because that would be cool.

So the eyes are soft,

The body is relaxed,

The mind is open,

And anticipation and optimism for new proof as we program the brain.

Jotting down anything that arises this week as we're all experimenting together.

Breathing into the belly.

Two more deep breaths in and out of that belly.

And as you feel ready,

Starting to gently let that spirit move back into the body.

Allowing your awareness to rest right behind your eyes.

And as you breathe in,

You're going to feel the body move back into the body.

And allowing yourself to be planted inside of your body.

And your body is connected to the surface behind and underneath of you.

Grounded.

And as you breathe in,

You're going to feel the body move back into the body.

And underneath of you,

Grounded,

Aware,

Centered,

Present.

Breathing one more time into the belly.

And release.

As you gradually transition into stretching and wiggling parts of your body that are ready to stretch and wiggle and move.

Shhhh.

Mmmm.

Slowly returning.

And as you feel ready,

You can go ahead and open your eyes to the morning.

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

Reviews

Enlightening, yet calming in the new way of seeing that what has me stuck and hurting inside🙏🤍✨️🤍. I give thanks and extend gratitude to you❤️🌹

Great talk! Breaking down the Reticular Activating System is a great approach to recalibrating your brain’s limiting response due through one’s current beliefs.

Thanks 🙏 you
🌸Jesse

So so helpful, thank you very much, Jamie!!

Life changing and probably even life saving meditation right there! Can always count on you Ms. Jamie for some enlightenment and growth! Thank you!

Thank you so much❣️❣️ It was an amazingly serene and enlightening session!!😊🙏

Perfect! Exactly what I’m looking for. Excellent 🙏