What About Celibacy?

Venerable Thubten Chonyi gives a short talk and leads a guided meditation on how the practice of celibacy can open up a whole new way of relating to ourselves and change our perspective on who we are in relationship to others.

Transcript

Let's spend some time just doing some meditation.

So be aware of where you are in space.

Be aware of your connection with the chair or the cushion or the floor or wherever it is that you are.

Get your mind straight by getting your spine straight,

Shoulders level.

In our tradition we train to sit with our hands in the lap.

So left on the bottom,

Right on top,

Thumbs touching.

Other traditions I know have the hands in a different position,

Maybe on your thighs or on your knees,

Whatever you're familiar with.

And if it's your first time and you're not familiar,

Try this.

It works.

Left hand on the bottom,

Right on top,

Thumbs touching right up next to your belly button so your hands are relaxed but there's a triangle right in front of your belly.

Your hands are resting on your thighs.

Tongue is behind your top front teeth,

Lips are closed.

And then lower your eyes but let the light in so that they're not completely shining.

And just feel your body.

It's Friday night.

Many people,

Most people,

Have been working all week.

So be aware of your body in the chair or on the cushion and in this space.

And just notice first of all how it feels to be in your body.

Be aware of any sensations in your feet or legs,

Especially any tension or discomfort.

Take a deep breath down into your feet.

Let any tension that's there melt away.

Do the same thing into your hips and lower torso,

Being aware of sensations.

Notice sensations in the muscular level and then internally in the organ level too.

Feel things moving around sometimes.

Be aware of it.

And if you notice any tension,

Breathe deeply into that and let it soften.

Then move your attention up your spine so we're aware of the back muscles,

Ribs,

The spinal cord itself,

Right up to the very nape of the neck.

Notice how you're sitting.

Notice your posture.

Adjust if you need to.

If you find any tension,

Stretch it out and breathe into it.

Let it go.

And then moving your attention up to the front of your body,

Belly,

Up into your chest,

Up to the collarbone.

Again,

Both aware of the muscular level and then in a deeper level,

Aware of the organs too.

Is there a sensation of hunger or are you feeling pretty full?

Notice those kinds of things.

If there's any discomfort there,

Just breathe into that.

See if you can soften it and let any tension go.

Move your attention into your neck and throat.

Again,

Adjusting,

Stretching if you find any tightness.

Sometimes it helps to lift the shoulders up and then just let them drop.

You can do that a few times.

Let them drop heavy and let the weight of your whole shoulders really stretch out the neck.

Yeah.

One more.

Exhale.

Yeah.

Opens things up.

Move your attention into your face.

Notice the tension around your eyes,

Between the eyes,

Around your mouth.

If you let a little smile come into play here,

It relaxes your whole face,

Which tells us that if we let a smile be on our face throughout the day,

It contributes to our state of relaxation.

Moving your attention on up to the scalp.

Now aware of your whole body,

More relaxed,

Firmly supported by your meditation posture.

And then move your attention to your breath.

Especially noticing the rising and the falling of your belly as you take a good deep breath in and out.

Actually don't change how you're breathing.

If it's not so deep,

That's okay.

Just notice what's there.

We'll spend a few breaths just paying attention to that in silence.

And then we'll set a motivation for our time together tonight that by our exploration of this topic,

By our wish to be together in community to practice meditation and to explore the Dharma.

We're watering seeds of compassion,

Wisdom,

And our own minds.

We should never underestimate the impact this has on our own life,

On the people around us,

And on the world.

And so by our meditation tonight,

May we become kinder people.

We can cultivate our wisdom.

And may that plant in us the capacity to help every living being realize their potential.

To live in a world without fear.

To live in a world dominated by kindness and where people care for one another automatically out of the great loving-kindness in their hearts.

So to start our reflection,

I want to stay in the meditative mode for a moment and just imagine from your heart how it would feel to extend loving kindness to every being you met equally.

No special favors for some.

No automatic defense for others.

But just equal.

Every single being warmly cared for as soon as you caught sight of them.

As soon as you thought of them.

As soon as you heard the sound of their voice.

The immediate arising thought in the mind is a thought of loving kindness and care.

And a wish for that being to be happy.

So try that out in your mind.

Just imagine walking down your city street encountering the people you would normally encounter people you don't know or sometimes you do.

How would it feel to have that warmth to leap up with every being?

No obstacles to that loving kindness.

You can even imagine as you think about it this light of love as in light radiating 360 degrees multi-dimensionally equally.

Just note how that feels.

You When we talk about the four immeasurable thoughts,

May all living beings have happiness and its causes.

May all living beings be free of suffering and its causes.

May all living beings not be separated from sorrowless bliss.

And may all living beings abide in equanimity,

Free of bias,

Attachment,

And anger.

This is the feeling that we're aspiring for with that prayer.

There are different translations but many many many Buddhist traditions have that as a key element of our practice.

So practicing,

Exercising this equal love for all beings is a part of that practice.

So come out of your meditation for a minute.

Hmm I feel more expanded.

Maybe you do too.

Yeah so one of the things that we we talk about is how often our fixation on our close relationships actually become obstacles to this feeling.

So it is true,

True I think,

I mean I wasn't always a nun.

As my teacher said I wasn't born a nun.

So that experience of having a deep and meaningful relationship,

Especially a stable long-lasting one,

Is a wonderful human experience and I'm not in any way trying to diss that.

I want to be very clear about that.

At the same time I do know as I said earlier so many people who just want to be in relationships so so so badly.

It causes a lot of suffering actually.

And in that craving for that kind of connection we we get so fixated on thinking there must be someone out there,

My soulmate,

Who's going to make my life meaningful.

That it overrides a more tender and maybe a less habituated possibility that by cultivating this love for every being we actually get so much more back.

Even if you're in a relationship stay there but stable and it's good for you.

And let's look at some of the ways that we that good relationship also blocks us off from being open to others.

So I drew heavily from the reflections of a friend of mine who is a layperson.

She's not ordained but after many years of Buddhist practice and many I don't know I think she's been married well maybe only twice but not anymore.

Thinking that for her the practice of celibacy as a layperson is so freeing because what she said is I don't meet anymore I don't meet someone with the thought what can you do for me.

What good are they to me?

So I'm speaking here well I was going to say I'm speaking here to women but I know this is true for men too.

How many times when we meet someone especially someone that's a little bit even a little bit attractive even you're married even you've been married 37 years you meet someone that's a little bit of attractive and there's that thought like oh how do I look?

How do I look?

How much energy?

How much time do we spend to make sure that our hair is the right color?

Our hair stays the right color?

Our weight are you know how many ads for reducing belly fat?

How many ways have you looked at how to reduce belly fat?

Why?

Because we want to be attractive.

Why?

Because we're trying to attract a partner.

Why?

Because if other people are sexually attracted to us somehow it makes us feel like we're something.

True?

And then though we get into this relationship or even we connect with someone and then they say oh yeah you're attractive do we believe them?

No you spend your whole relationship trying not to disappoint them or you know I was attractive when you fell in love with me at 25 now I'm 85 I still need to look good.

I know a beautiful woman who's in her 90s and still dyes her hair I don't know why I don't know the background of it but I puzzle about it.

Wow that takes a lot of energy at 90 something.

Anyway that's kind of an aside.

So that's just one of the things that that we get so hung up in.

If we're how do I look?

Am I sexually attractive?

And even you're past the age of thinking about sexuality so much that's still the buzz.

Am I attractive to this person?

So much energy goes into that and it's just about our physical body.

Whereas spending the same amount of time cultivating this wish to develop our kind heart,

Overcoming our tendency to defensiveness or a tendency to judgmental critical mind or those kinds of things.

If you weigh how much time you spend on each of these in the course of the day it might come out kind of even.

Something to think about it's just something to think about.

And then as my friend said you know if I imagine seeing someone being authentically and sincerely able to say with complete equanimity I want nothing from you I wish only good for you.

Then you meet men,

Women,

Transgendered,

Ungendered,

All kinds of people,

Married,

Not married,

Straight,

Gay,

Bi,

Whatever,

Same,

Same,

Same.

So there's a real plus to that not closing down.

As my friend said how does time spent looking for one special person expand my capacity to be universally compassionate?

So again it's not saying having a partner doesn't allow us to do that but it's when we focus in zoom it's either the person I want that I don't have zoom I'm looking measuring everybody against this criteria.

Are they a partner?

Are they a good partner?

Are they a good partner?

Are they a good partner?

Tick tick tick tick tick.

There's that aspect.

Or then if I'm in a relationship there's always this a little bit of like awareness like oop don't get too close they'll be jealous I might be make them jealous you know so there's that kind of clinging that we have in a relationship that can be quite restrictive actually.

Even when it comes to sharing ourselves in good work like I was in a situation and once as a doing a lot of hospice work at a time when there was quite a demand and although my partner was quite in those days was quite supportive of the work in general after a while there was the oh you're going again oh you're going again oh you're going again and so you know that internal pressure of not wanting to disappoint the person that you're committed to and also knowing that your client is really dying this is a really important time to be with someone maybe they're not always so dramatic these choices that we make but we can see it's just an illustration to see how sometimes in our relationships we get pulled away from something that would actually benefit a larger group of people out of our concern for tending that one one relationship.

My friend said relationships require a vow to love only one person so jealousy envy and hostility often accompany this vow when arrival gets too close.

She also pointed out that there's issues around lapses and ethics and virtual conduct virtuous conduct around this so many people who are who are looking towards Buddhism practice this vow to be committed I mean in our five lay precepts the commitment to avoid unwise unkind sexual behavior is the way my teacher praises it yet she says lying to someone first we lie to get someone then we lie to keep them then we lie to get rid of them then we lie to get somebody else anybody been in that situation before a few times in your life yeah yeah so so just our fixation on relationships can get us into some ethical dilemmas that sometimes are messy in the moment but for our long-term habits or for the long-term comic results are really not sir and she also said stealing someone's affection from another person damages their relationship so with this with this openness of a committing to a refrain from the sexual energy is what the celibacy is about then I'm free to practice and love unconditionally and free to smile at someone regardless of gender age knowing I mean only a smile so there's a freedom in that so I'll stop in case people comment on it but it was just wanting to bring in a different point of view in the midst of this theme yeah that can support our spiritual practice