Staying Calm While Parenting Teens

If you feel like you have difficulty staying calm while trying to communicate with your teen, you are not alone. Listen to this love session recording where we explored the gift of a calm attitude, how state of mind affects thinking and feeling, also why calm adults matter to young people. Also, practice a Calming Meditation to anchor the peace and calm, and learn about the Three Quick Steps to navigate potentially stressful situations.

Transcript

To successfully launch into adulthood,

Young people need to develop their own thoughts,

Clarify their own feelings,

And establish their own capacity to make good decisions.

We want to offer our teens secure settings in which they can develop their ability to be in touch with their thoughts and feelings so that they can construct a positive attitude.

And these settings must be created in radical calmness.

But how state of mind affects thinking and feeling?

It does.

How we think is closely linked to how we feel.

Why?

Because we are designed to react to stress.

Our physical and emotional stress responses were designed to help our ancestors survive.

Imagine them in the jungle,

Sensing a tiger attack.

They had two choices.

Run or fight.

They chose to run.

Their bodies and minds helped them survive.

Blood shifted to their muscles and their heart rate quickened to efficiently pump that blood.

Their minds went into react mode rather than problem solve or feel mode.

Our mind-body connection serves a purpose.

It told our ancestors then and tells us now when we are supposed to run.

No one asked the tiger to sit down and think through the disagreement or to explore its feelings.

Not many of us run from tigers anymore,

But our stress response hasn't changed.

Modern day stresses have replaced the tigers,

But they still activate our survival mode.

A key to accessing the parts of our minds that allow us to think,

Feel,

And problem solve is to distinguish between real tigers and paper tigers.

Things that might stress us out but really pose no threat.

From there,

We have a chance of getting calm.

These points are especially true for young people whose brains are developing rapidly.

Their emotional centers are maturing at a heightened pace,

Making them particularly sensitive to others' reactions.

And this partly explains some of the very best things about teens,

Including their high energy,

Intense feelings,

And raw empathy.

It also explains some of their challenges and why they need calm settings to access their greatest thinking powers.

We want to offer our teens the secure settings in which they can develop the ability to be in touch with their thoughts and feelings.

And those secure settings must be rooted in caring and filled with calmness.

So now we will talk about why calm adults matter to young people.

There are multiple things that I want to share.

First of all,

Emotions are contagious.

Adolescents are highly sensitive to others' emotions.

They feel deeply.

Because we want them to think clearly,

It's important they have the space for reflection.

Let them catch our emotions.

So we can transfer our calm into their ability to think and feel.

Also when we listen,

They will talk.

Our goal is to have our teens choose to tell us what is going on in their lives.

This positions us both to protect them and to guide them towards their better selves.

Young people talk to adults who listen.

They seek adults who act as sounding boards,

Who will calmly guide them to figure things out on their own.

When what they share upsets us or if we react too strongly,

They stop talking.

They do it both to spare us from pain and to spare themselves from drama.

When we stay calm,

They will keep talking.

Pay attention to that.

See when you are calmer,

They will be more talkative.

Also the idea is teaching through discipline.

While disciplined young people make the wisest decisions and tend to be well-mannered and respectful,

Discipline means to teach,

Not to control nor to punish.

When your teens make a mistake deserving of a consequence,

You want them to learn,

You want them to understand that consequences directly relate to their actions.

On the other hand,

If they feel punished or controlled,

They feel like a victim and learn little.

Or when we discipline while angry,

We tend to pick harsher consequences and they learn little.

It's critical that consequences are made in a calm and thoughtful manner.

Also we want our young children to problem solve.

Once young people are in late adolescence,

They have the ability to make decisions nearly as well as adults do.

But that's true only in calm settings.

Psychologists use the term hot vs cold cognition.

Basically this means that how we make decisions and think,

Which is cognition,

Can occur in either a hot,

Emotional or stressful,

Or cold,

Calm and relaxed without emotional content situation.

When we remove the emotional responses,

We create a better opportunity for logical problem solving,

Which is considered as cold cognition.

So we want our adolescents to develop thoughtful plans in calm settings in the hope that they will carry those decisions out even in challenging settings.

Also we want our teenagers to consider consequences.

One of the most important developmental achievements of adolescence is the growing ability to link near and long term consequences to choices.

Young people gain the ability to consider consequences as they transform from being concrete to abstract thinkers.

Concrete thinkers see things precisely as they are.

Abstract thinkers grasp complexity and nuance.

They can imagine how a choice made today shapes tomorrow.

Though in times of high stress,

No one can think abstractly.

Survival is a here and now concrete need.

And when we practice radical calmness,

We support our adolescents to develop and sharpen their abstract thinking capabilities.

Also we want our children to have empathy.

We may not always agree with the actions our teens take nor with the choices they make.

When we need to correct them,

It's important they know it's because we care about them.

When we get upset with them,

It's important they know it's because of how deeply we love them.

We are coming from love.

And when they understand the depth of our caring,

They can better see our perspective and absorb,

Receive our messages.

But when we act out of anger,

Their stress levels rise and they lose the ability to understand why we feel the way we do.

Our emotional reactions could backfire.

And in their minds,

We transform from being the loving parent to the tiger,

Readying an attack.

So our anger lowers their ability to understand when where we are coming from and lowers our critical influence.

To continue digesting all of it,

Let's do a calming meditation and continue after that.

The quote about our topic is coming from Ron Tafel.

He says,

As kids reach adolescence,

They need more than ever for us to watch over them.

Adolescence is not about letting go.

It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

So now start by getting into a comfortable position.

Keep your back tall and straight.

Then allow your hands and arms to relax.

And when you're ready,

Gently close your eyes.

Bring your full attention to the moment,

Settling in and allowing your mind and body to be still.

With patience and openness,

Bring your awareness to your breath.

We're going to take three deep breaths,

Taking in and releasing fully.

Another one.

And another one.

Follow the breath as it flows in and out of your body.

And now go back to your regular rhythm of breathing and allow it to settle.

Don't try to force or regulate it,

But just allow it to flow naturally on its own.

Now scan your body,

Concentrating your attention from part to part and noticing what's happening.

If any parts of your body feels tense,

Allow them to relax.

Start at the top of your scalp and then lower your attention to your face,

Relaxing the muscles in your forehead,

Your cheeks and jaw.

Move your attention to your neck and notice what's going on in your throat and the sides and back of your neck.

Is it tense?

Is it hurting?

Just relax.

Now move your attention to your shoulders,

Extending your awareness down to your arms,

Toward your elbows and lower to your wrists,

All the way down to the tips of your fingers.

Allow them to soften.

Now bring your attention to your chest.

Observe the rise and fall and notice how your lungs expand and contract with every breath.

Direct your attention to your upper and lower back.

Observe any sensations and allow them to soften.

Next move your attention around your abdomen,

Feeling it fill with air as you inhale and then slowly empty on your exhale.

Now bring your attention to your pelvis,

Noticing where your body makes contact with the surface on which you are seated.

Scan your legs,

Observe your thighs and then lower your attention to your knees.

Shins and calves.

Let your legs soften and relax.

Now breathe into your ankles,

Your feet and toes,

Allowing yourself to sink into a state of relaxed awareness.

Your whole body is relaxed.

You are 100% calm and in peace.

Anchor this moment.

During the day,

Whenever you feel stressed,

Remember this moment and bring yourself back to this calm feeling.

As the session ends,

Notice how you feel,

How relaxed you are and at ease.

Now bring your attention back to the room you are in.

Wiggle your fingers and your toes and when you feel ready,

Slowly open your eyes.

From my heart to yours with all my love and gratitude.

Namaste.

I hope you feel very relaxed.

Maybe some of you fell asleep.

Yes,

Anchoring this moment,

Ginny,

Is important.

The good moments you have during the day,

Try to anchor them and try to go back to them when you feel stressed,

When you feel overwhelmed,

When you feel tired.

I'm going to continue with our topic.

Our teenagers.

How can we be calmer with them?

We talked about being and staying calm with our teenagers,

But that doesn't mean sitting back and letting them go haywire.

We didn't let our toddlers put their hands on hot stoves or wander into the street,

Right?

We screamed,

Yelled,

Grabbed their hands,

Reacted and were absolutely right when we did.

There may be times during the teen years that are put your hands on the stove moments.

When that's the case,

You need to jump in.

For example,

Don't let your teen get in a car with an unsafe or impaired driver.

Worry about regaining your calm later.

You never forget,

As parents,

You are a 24 hours a day,

7 days a week role model.

You like it or not.

If you make it look like nothing flusters you,

You're losing an opportunity to guide your adolescent how to manage stress and you'll probably be faking it.

It's a gift to talk aloud about how you get to calm.

It's okay to say,

Right now,

I'm so upset that I can't make decisions or give consequences.

I want to think this through instead of just react.

I love you.

For both of us,

I'm going to calm myself down.

We'll talk when I'm ready.

Then go take care of yourself.

Do what you need to do to process your thoughts and feelings and come back when you're ready to support your teen to learn to do the same.

Knowing that it's important to be calm doesn't make it easy.

Not by a long shot.

I know from experience.

I'm suggesting this because it strategically positions us to have the influence our children need us to have as we guide them towards adulthood.

Teens are supposed to be separating from their parents in preparation for adulthood,

Right?

And that's hard because they want our help,

But not too much help.

And we have opinions and suggestions that might actually be helpful except when they are not.

And all of that whiplash is enough to make any of us lose our minds.

The point here is that conflict with your teen is a normal part of the parent-child relationship and it doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with your kid.

Having said that,

Exploding at our kids when we're frustrated only makes things worse.

It increases our stress,

Damages our relationship with our children and doesn't resolve the problem.

But I'm guessing you already know all of that.

You know that because I'm not the first person to suggest that you should stay calm in chaotic moments.

The problem is that most of the advice out there starts and stops with the version of it's important to remain patient and calm.

But how?

So three things.

There are three main things.

Notice pause,

Do anything except yelling.

Notice pause,

Do anything other than yelling,

Don't yell.

So these are three main things that you need to keep in mind.

Notice what is happening.

Just observe,

Try to not react.

Observe,

Take it in,

But stay put.

Don't say anything.

Just take it in.

Take some time,

Tell them I am not ready to talk about this right now.

Let's both of us take time off a little bit and come back when we are calm.

And do this with a normal voice,

Without raising your voice,

Without yelling.

Communication is the same for everybody.

With teenagers it's a little bit more tricky because especially today's teenagers they are more in their own world than anybody around them.

And that's why the conflicts are even more than it used to maybe 10-20 years ago.

But today's young people,

They have so much going on around them.

We were not like that.

Plus they are out of a pandemic.

Let's keep that in mind too.

That affected them so much.

More than we think.

Because all of a sudden they found themselves in a position where the world was that they trusted,

They felt safe.

All of a sudden it changed and there is a virus out there that nobody knows about and there is a danger out there.

And it didn't just come and go.

It lasted two years.

It's still not over.

So trust is an important value for children,

For teenagers.

Trusting that they are safe.

Trusting that they have a good future or it's not that uncertain.

So uncertainty,

Change,

Not knowing what's going on,

What's going to happen.

Today I'm going to school,

Tomorrow I'm not going to school.

Everything changing,

Volatile all the time.

It's not easy.

And add to that all the hormones that are changing in their bodies.

It's the same for everybody.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed or very much stressed,

Don't try to solve the problem at that moment right there and then.

Make an agreement with the other party.

Say that I'm not feeling like I'm ready to talk about this at the moment.

Let's take a pause and regroup when we are calmer.

Be consistent.

Try to be calm.

Anchor that moment of calmness and try to go back to that calmness every time.

Notice,

Pause,

And don't yell.

Doing the same things as two parents of children and having the same way of acting is so important.

Supporting each other as parents is so important.

Because when one parent says and does one thing and the other says and does the total opposite then imagine children get confused.

That's a problem.

Though,

In that case,

You know what you need to do.

You need to come together and make an agreement.

Agreements are so important.

Making agreements with your teenagers,

Making agreements with your partner,

Other parent,

Even if you are living together or not.

Being consistent.

Consistency is the most important thing with teenagers and children.

They feel the safest when they have a routine,

When they know what's coming.

Things are not up in the air and everybody says a different thing.

The routine,

The consistency,

And getting the same messages from both parents is very crucial.

So,

That's what you need to pay attention.

And make agreements with both your teenagers and your partner.

That you support each other,

You follow the same processes so that they don't get confused.

Because most of their frustrations are coming from their confusions.

The more everything is open and clear and they know,

The less stressed they will be.

Make agreements.

You cannot live with expectations.

Come together and make an agreement.

Agree that we will act like this,

We will do this and that,

And we will not let them do this and that.

And both of us will do it,

We agree to do it the same way so that they don't get confused.

So I hope this makes things a little bit easier.

First time you have a conflict with your teenager,

Remember this.

Remember what you have learned.

Go back to your calm state.

Take deep breaths.

Take a pause.

Notice.

Pause.

And don't yell.

And then revisit when you're calm.

When your teenager is calm.

And make sure they understand you always are coming from love.

They know that you want the best for them.

Always.

And you will make mistakes.

You are a human being.

But I know from experience that instead of telling teenagers what to do,

When you explain to them why you are doing something or you are saying something or you are not letting them do something,

You are limiting something.

When they know,

Understand the why of everything,

You will see the cooperation will get better.

Reviews

Very simple but can see that it would be effective just need to remember to approach in this way instead of jumping in thank you Ipek

Thank you, dear Ipek, for recording the topic. It was wonderful to listen to it and to meditate inbetween to reflect about the things you told. I will try to remember next time my teenager son is driving me crazy to stay calm. And to make agreements which will help all of us. 😉😊
Thank you for your wonderful way to talk about the topic! 🙏💕
Have a blessed Christmas time!