Understanding The Humanity Of Conflict

This is the first session from Roswell's upcoming conflict resolution course - "Inviting Cooperation During Conflict." In this session, he discusses how conflict naturally shows up in the human experience, and outlines the different common responses to interpersonal conflict - destructive, avoiding, and constructive- and why constructive is our most favorable choice.

The Inviting Cooperation During Conflict course will be available on Insight Timer Courses in Late August.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to day one of inviting cooperation during conflict.

I'd like to thank you so much for joining me on this journey.

Today will be the introduction,

What I've titled Conflict is Human.

Without further ado,

Let's get started.

I'm sure you've had your fair share of conflicts with others in your life.

It's the disagreements,

The arguments,

The conflicts of interest that can often turn a good relationship into a difficult relationship,

Or end the relationship entirely.

Like many folks,

You may find yourself thinking,

If this other person would just listen to me,

Or they need to stop,

Or why are they doing this to me?

Which can be frustrating,

Saddening,

And even anxiety inducing at times.

You may even be one of the many who know that what they truly want would conflict with what others want.

So you don't push for what you want as a way to avoid conflict,

Which can feel very stifling and leave you feeling unfulfilled in life.

Take a moment to bring to mind a reoccurring or recent conflict you have with another person.

Perhaps you're a significant other who wants to relocate to pursue a personal goal,

But you know that this would mean a long-distance relationship and less time spent together.

Perhaps someone in your life is continuously asking you to change your lifestyle,

Or even change careers.

Perhaps you are trying to get someone else to change their lifestyle,

Or habits,

Or behavior towards you.

Perhaps you need to use a shared resource at home or at work,

Like the TV or the office,

And you've got to fight for it amongst others who are trying to use it at the same time.

Perhaps you feel that someone in your life is not being as honest or reliable with you as you'd like.

So take a moment and bring to mind just one conflict that you are having with another person.

The first one that comes to mind is probably just fine,

Even if it seems small.

The good news is,

Conflict is a natural part of life that arises from the subtle differences between people's values,

Priorities,

And perspectives in life.

So,

Conflict is not to be avoided,

But conflict arising is a sign that things are progressing as they should.

The task,

After recognizing a conflict,

Is to deal with it constructively,

Or,

In some cases,

To move on or let go of the relationship,

Depending on what you need at the time.

In this course,

We are going to be talking about dealing with conflict constructively by inviting cooperation and working towards meaningful resolution.

But to put things into perspective,

Let's first talk about some other ways of handling conflict.

Since conflict is naturally occurring,

It is always present to a certain degree in one's life,

And between humans.

That is to say,

If you're not handling interpersonal conflict constructively,

You're either handling it destructively or not handling it at all.

In other words,

Avoiding it.

Let's talk about destructive responses to conflict.

By responding to interpersonal conflicts by trying to change others,

Controlling others covertly,

Taking what you want by force,

Or asserting authority over others,

You're damaging the connection between the two of you,

Even between the group you belong to.

Relationships that are founded upon power struggles,

Scuffles,

And aggressive dynamics,

In other words,

Based upon who has control or power over the other,

Or over shared resources,

Can be toxic for everyone involved.

Even if it does feel good to assert dominance or superiority over another person in the moment,

And you might get away with it,

In the long term,

You won't be getting any of the benefits of genuine connection,

Intimacy,

And fun from the relationship that we as people so desperately crave and need to thrive.

Additionally,

It's a common experience that getting what you want from others by force often results in feelings of isolation and difficulty trusting others.

Similarly,

Getting what you want through manipulations such as guilt tripping,

Shaming,

Criticizing,

Or withholding kindness or attention often results in feelings of shame and guilt in the person doing the manipulating,

Which can be quite emotionally damaging for that person.

Not to mention,

The person who you forced to oblige you will certainly be dealing with feelings of resentment towards you and heavy feelings of being used and violated.

Some people will refuse to oblige even in the presence of aggression,

And thus the power struggle continues until it reaches a fever pitch.

Either someone backs down,

Or both people are driven in two separate directions,

Their connections severed.

If you have handled conflict destructively in the past,

It's okay to acknowledge that and breathe through any feelings of guilt you may have.

These feelings are normal,

And know that you handled things the best you could at the time with the tools you knew.

But hopefully,

After this course,

You'll know better.

Take any guilty or shameful feelings as a sign that your past actions are not in line with your current values.

You cannot change the past,

But you can make a better choice today.

Avoiding conflict is another option,

And it is certainly tempting and seemingly innocuous.

Not bringing up or acknowledging areas of tension between yourself and others.

This makes it seem as if there is no conflict or issue at all,

And you can carry on as if nothing is wrong.

This is also known as sweeping things under the rug.

The problem with this method is that it's really not a method at all.

You're basically just hoping the issue will resolve itself or go away on its own.

Remember though that this is your life,

And you alone are capable of,

And responsible for,

Creating genuine peace and safety for yourself.

No one else can feel your pain or your struggle,

And so if you're struggling or in pain,

You've got to be the first to say so,

To yourself.

Plus,

It's a lot more empowering to think of yourself as the creator of your ever-evolving relationships,

Than to hope and pray that someone else will swoop in and ease your relationship struggles for you.

Acknowledging,

Both internally and externally,

That there is an issue is the first step,

Which we'll talk more about in the next few lessons.

You personally might have no difficulty speaking up about certain issues with certain people,

Which is to your advantage here.

But if you're one who tends to avoid most conflict,

Like admittedly myself and many others,

Know that you're not alone.

In fact,

All people do this to a certain extent.

Most of us want to get along,

And not all of us have the energy to bring up every single conflict we face along the way.

But there is another,

Better way to address things,

And that is cooperation.

Inviting cooperation is my personal favorite way of resolving conflict,

Because it's truly constructive.

It leaves the relationship better than it started.

Now,

I'm biased,

But when I say better,

I mean more trusting,

Harmonious,

And intimate.

Maybe you can relate.

Do these qualities resonate with you?

These qualities relate to my own personal values.

I like relationships to flow in peace and unity,

Acknowledging that there will be some divergences of interest sometimes.

What about you?

What types of values would you like to help create or revitalize in your own relationship with the person that you brought to mind before?

Take a moment and allow the answer to come up for you.

Are you looking for a relationship that is more engaging and authentic?

Well,

If so,

You're in luck,

Because inviting cooperation can help you create that as well.

If you're not particularly looking for any increased intimacy or closeness with the other person,

For instance,

If you're hoping to resolve conflict with a coworker or an acquaintance,

Then that's okay.

You can still use the following cooperation methods to simply help things go smoothly between yourself and the other person,

To get things done at work,

And to have overall better results of your labor.

Not to mention to have more fun and ease in the relationship.

Inviting cooperation is a lot more work than ignoring the problem,

But it's so much more rewarding and life-affirming.

Now,

I should say that no one is handling conflict constructively all of the time.

This is an ideal,

And no one is perfect.

We all have days where we don't have patience or energy,

Or we're stressed or distracted,

And we can't respond to things in the most ideal way,

Or even respond at all.

That being said,

For this course,

I'm confident you'll see an improvement in your relationships by just employing this practice 20% of the time,

Or 20% more than you already do.

So,

Let's aim for that.

The first step in inviting cooperation is what I like to call reality checking.

But,

We'll stop here for today,

And we'll talk about reality checking in tomorrow's lesson.

Go ahead and take a deep breath in,

And let it out.

Look at you,

You're on your way.

You listened through all the way to the end.

Good job today.

So,

Today we talked about the nature of conflict and three ways to address it.

We also reflected on some conflicts that come up in our lives with the people we know.

Today,

Once you finish this recording,

I challenge you to try and notice when a conflict is occurring in your life,

And think of the ways you might typically respond,

Or even notice the ways that you habitually respond.

I think you'll really get a kick out of the next lesson,

And I'll meet you back here tomorrow for part one on reality checking.

Thank you so much for listening.

Have an amazing day.

Reviews

Really helpful for my awareness. Will look forward to the next course.

Great talk. Thanks for sharing
Namaste 🙏🏽
JuneB

This came along at a good time for me. Thanks

Helpful guidance

Great examples and explanations

Amazing helpful gentle guidance I needed

Great talk, thanks again! Looking forward to part 2.

you are such a good teacher!

Love your thought process and delivery and your amazing voice.

Are you an infj by any chance ✨?

After following the course I listened again to the first lesson. It hit home once more. Decided to buy the course for lifetime reference.... thank you so much for making the course.

This is going to be an awesome course. 🌈

Thank you very much! I enjoyed this n waiting for ur return to finish it.. a lot interesting stuff.. Namaste 🌈🎧

Enjoying listening to this, which is unusual as I prefer to not listen to topics on conflict!! Thank you for sharing in such an easy and engaging way. Actually looking forward to next session. With gratitude 🙏😊👍

Very interesting, Roswell. Thank you!

You are an amazing teacher. I’m so happy to have found your wisdom. I can’t wait to share this message with my children. ❤️

Thank you ⭐️⭐️⭐️for sharing this wonderful insights 🍀it makes my days much more relaxing with this in mind 🌲happy holidays

Like the density of info and insight

Thank you 🙏 can’t wait for tomorrow’s lesson.

Hi Roswell,
This course found me at a time when I’m focusing on personal growth and the one area I wanted to work on was being able to resolve conflicts using cooperation.
I’m very grateful to you for taking the time and developing this course.

Very helpful will look for the entire course, thank you 🙏🤩

Excellent, thank you! I enjoy your clear, positive teaching style and have purchased the course. I look forward to learning more over over the next 9 days. :-)