Overcoming Perfectionism

This talk offers reflections on the parallels between perfectionism, self-criticism, and pessimism, and what to do to keep them in check. When faced with habitual, negative thoughts about ourselves and our work, we have an opportunity to overcome the criticism and respond with affirmation of ourselves and who we are. This talk includes questions to reflect on, soft background music, and links to additional meditations at the end, to further your journey of Self love and compassion.

Transcript

Perfectionism is a lot like pessimism.

It hides what is present,

What is there,

And presents what is missing,

Messed up or wrong.

Always.

The glass on the kitchen table is half empty,

Rather than half full.

An experience I had recently comes to mind,

Where I promised myself that I would speak up and file a complaint regarding wrongful treatment I'd received at a restaurant.

I was able to work up the courage to make that important yet intimidating phone call,

But immediately after hanging up,

Even though my issue had received a gracious and apologetic response,

The critical voice in my head was loud and clear,

Making sure that I could not celebrate my small victory.

Your voice was shaky and sounded whiny,

It said.

They could tell that you weren't confident.

It ruined the whole call.

You didn't say everything you wrote down beforehand.

You failed to bring up all these points.

Look what you've done.

In my head,

This is what my view on the situation was,

Negative,

And the fact that I'd done the act of acknowledgement and kindness that I'd promised to myself was tossed away as meaningless,

Because I'd done it wrong or imperfectly.

With my head hanging low,

I crumpled.

What an absolute waste of time,

I concluded.

And worse,

I made a big deal out of nothing by making that call.

Now,

These critical points,

My shaky voice,

And the fact that some words were left unspoken,

May have been true in a sense,

But they were not the whole picture.

I find it important to note that there is an importance to critical thinking,

And to pessimism even,

In that it presents a point of view which is indeed one aspect of reality which is self-evident to us as observers in this world.

We cannot truthfully say that a glass half full of water is not also half empty of water.

We cannot truthfully say that the presence of one thing is also not simultaneously the absence of another thing.

If we observe an apple,

We also observe a not-orange,

Or a not-banana,

And so on.

The problem with pessimism and critical thinking and perfectionism when they are ubiquitous and habitual in your life,

Work,

Or relationships is that you begin to believe that this is all there is to reality.

But there is not another way of looking at things in your particular situation.

As human beings,

We need another way of looking at things that balances the negative,

Without which we,

As feeling and breathing observers,

Are left with despair,

And a hopeless striving to correct what can never be appreciated as correct,

A fruitless task to make whole what can never be experienced as whole.

So long as we continue to see every glass of nourishing,

Life-sustaining water that life presents to us as half empty.

And that's all.

With my head hanging low,

In my quiet moment of reflection,

I identified this negative talk as perfectionism.

In seeing it for what it was,

Just one side of the story,

I decided to make a change.

I decided to balance the negative thinking with positive,

Life-affirming statements.

For me,

All it took was a simple phrase or mantra.

That mantra was,

I did it.

Your voice was shaky and you sounded whiny.

But I did it.

You didn't say everything you'd written down.

But I did it.

With every critical jab in my thoughts,

My own mantra response became stronger and more jubilant.

I did it.

I promised myself I would make that phone call.

And I did it.

Soon I was standing tall,

Confident and grateful for myself,

Recognizing my efforts and my achievements for what they were instead of for what they were not.

And what a blessing it was.

Because I knew in that moment that I could do it again if I needed to.

And if I could do it again,

Maybe my voice would be a little less shaky next time.

There was hope for the future.

For you,

Dear listener,

Perfectionism and self-criticism may manifest in some area of your life.

It may take on the voice of one of your parents,

Partners,

Or even your organizational or religious leaders.

Or it may be a small persistent nagging inside of you,

Devoid of any discernible voice.

What sorts of criticisms arise for you,

Often,

In your life?

What about in the work or the study that you do?

What sort of things come to mind that bring you down?

What about in your relationships?

What flaws do you see in yourself that take the wind out of your sails?

Assuming that you are at a point where you truly want freedom from the despair or oppression of such thoughts,

Here is my challenge for you.

When that critical voice arises to put you down,

Can you pause and identify the criticism as one part of the story and not the entirety of it?

Can you find yourself an affirming mantra that balances the negative impact with positive impact?

And with your newfound sense of balance,

Can you find a way to incorporate the negative view and the criticisms to improve your efforts next time?

To improve your performance next time?

To improve your experience next time?

Those are the steps I've found so far.

I hope that,

In your own reflection,

You discover your own unique path through to peace and balance in the face of self-criticism.

Thank you for listening.

I was surprised at how much more I had to say on the topic of balancing and reincorporating self-criticism.

So,

I decided to create an additional meditation that can guide one through the steps of the challenge that I mentioned.

To gain freedom from those oppressive negative thoughts.

And this meditation does include long pauses to give the listener time to reflect and work things through.

Thanks to y'all's suggestions,

I've gotten better at that,

So thank you.

To access it,

Please visit my support page at patreon.

Com slash in volumes.

That's all one word.

And the link is also on my profile here on Insight Timer.

On that page,

You'll be able to sign up for my mailing list.

It's 100% free,

And if you do sign up,

I'll send you the Freedom From Perfectionism meditation that I made,

Along with other free resources in the near future.

Thank you again,

And take care of you this week.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Helpful 😊 thank you so much 😊

Thank you for your words, they really resonated so much with me!

Very helpful. 🙏

Great! Helpful.

What a great reframe on perfectionism. I love the mantra….I Did It! Thank you so much!

I liked it. It helped me out a bit to. Thanks for the meditation.

Thanks Rosewell,
Listened to 3 of your sessions in a row. Enjoyed them all and got something out of each one.
A suggestion, one on how to manage others who are highly critical! About one. They are not easy to live with as it appears to loved ones that you are never good enough and never will be. Tricky!
Really like your clear diction, pace changes and sincerity.
Thank you and God Bless.
Claire.😊

I love your reflections thank you so much it was perfect for me today it was weird I observed the incessant nagging 😅 But yes I felt that I DID IT! I was proud of certain things I was able to do today inspite of what I felt & actually feel empowered & grateful or joyful I got to do them notwithstanding 😊

Nice unexpected silent spacing between thoughts., unfortunately I thought the talk ended at first..

Thank you 🙏 Really great food for thought and practical suggestions. I loved the space after the questions, to consider my answers. ✨💛

Working on less lashing oneself to the mast. Thanks

I love this! I am definitely a recovering perfectionist. This year I am choosing progress over perfection. Thank you 🙏

Resonated with me for sure! Thanks!

There's a link between perfectionism and pessimism. Great track, I loved it.

Love your voice and delivery. This is a huge thing that I am struggling greatly with. I’m almost 60 years old and am coming to realize just how detrimental this has been to me my whole life! Thank you for this meditation. I will check out the other one you referenced.

Excellent, thank you🌸

Thank you! I’m always discounting my goodness. Love the mantra, “I did it!”

Wonderful! Thank you 🙌🏼

I could’ve used this meditation years ago, but glad I found it today. Thanks! 😎

I wouldn’t say that pessimism & perfectionism walk hand in hand bc in my own life, I am not a pessimist - I always expect the best of situations & people; I can, however, see how pessimism might be part of the procrastination that happens to perfectionists - we fail to see the upside to starting something & only see the down, until we can no longer afford the luxury of putting off.

There was one particular flaw that came up strongly that I now see about myself: how I mirror the boyfriend, instead of being my own self - the giant flaw that says it’s not ok (or safe) to be me

I am sharing this talk w my younger sister. Thank you for the new insight into perfectionism. Love & light to you 🙏🏼