A Small Fear Can Hold You Back

Really it is all about the journey and how you grow through it and heal. This time instead of dealing with a back issue I have a cold but boy have I learned some much about myself. The reason I share this and be vulnerable is to help you with your journey.

Listen, learn, and take what you want from this journey to help you with yours. Most importantly take time to reflect on something you are growing through right now.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Intuitive Heart Healing Podcast.

My name is Valerie McLaughlin and I'm your host for the podcast.

And I started this podcast as a way of sharing my journey and sharing other people's journeys to help you with your connection and your healing journey.

So as you sit back and listen,

I want you to take what you feel is true and whatever you feel is not true to you,

Then let it go.

It's really important that you discern what is right for you and what is not true for you because we all come from different lenses and different perspectives.

What I say may not be something that resonates with you and that's okay.

So I'm sitting here with my wonderful tea.

I had to beat it on whether to record the podcast even though I wanted to record it because I'm not feeling 100%.

Last week I had no voice,

So it was very hard for me to record a podcast and this week I'm still not 100%.

But here I am sitting with you enjoying my tea and recording this wonderful podcast.

Which brings me to today's topic.

It's kind of an extension of last week's or whenever the last podcast dropped.

That podcast I was talking about a journey I was going through with my back.

And this one I'm going to talk to you about the journey I'm going through with this cold that I have or whatever the heck this is that's going on.

I'm going to call it a cold because that's what it feels like.

Morning O,

Sneezing,

Coughing,

Loss of voice,

Intermittent sore throat,

Nothing major.

Still tons of energy.

Well,

Maybe not tons of energy,

But I still have energy and I still can go about doing things.

But here I am.

And it's been a journey,

You know,

This last 15 months,

16 months.

And if you guys think back to how long ago it was,

What we're talking about is when I started back with the A La Carte group,

It's been a journey.

It's been a physical journey more than anything else between illnesses and back pain and different things that have come up along the way.

And so I thought I was on a good path right after I went through my whole back.

I was back on the East Coast,

Got to see my amazing chiropractor,

Dr.

Theresa,

And really worked through some stuff.

And I knew that that whole situation had to do with growth.

And then like a few weeks later,

Almost as soon as I got back to Las Vegas,

Back into the restaurants here,

Boom,

I get sick again.

And you know,

I had that moment where I kind of paused.

And I was like,

Man,

Why is this happening again?

Like,

Why do I keep sitting getting sick?

And I'm like,

Okay,

Let's pause right there.

Ask the why because you want to answer the question not because you want to be a victim.

You want to know the real reason why this is happening so that you can move on.

You can heal,

You can grow,

You can evolve.

Right?

That's what the why is,

Not the staying victimhood,

Not poor me,

That's not what this about.

And that moment before I paused,

That was partly what it was about.

But I paused and said,

Whoa,

Hold on.

What is this?

What is this?

Okay.

And,

You know,

It's been some curiosity and some reflection.

And I know part of this is letting go.

And I know this thing with my voice has to do with me using my voice.

That was true.

I was teaching a course.

Yesterday,

I teach in this group,

And we were talking about the divine feminine,

Divine masculine.

And I brought them into this meditation.

And I asked them to ask the question,

Why they were in this meditation.

And so I took the opportunity to do it myself.

You know,

Why not know you can be the facilitator and you can be the healing healer of yourself at the same time.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't coexist.

Doesn't mean that when you're doing work for others,

You're not doing work on yourself as as yourself as well.

And it doesn't mean that when you're doing work on yourself that you're not doing work for other people.

Because it all is one,

Right?

That's all it comes back to.

So I asked the question,

And they're like,

You have to speak up.

You're losing your voice because you're not speaking up.

You're not following your passion.

You're not following your desire.

And you're making up excuses.

We're giving you one right here to lose your voice.

It's also about allowing my voice to change too,

But taking away my voice.

But my voice isn't just about speaking though,

Is it?

No.

Communicating what you wish to do in this world,

What message you're here to deliver,

What your purpose is,

Doesn't come down to just speaking your voice.

It doesn't.

No.

There's writing,

There's drawing.

There are so many ways for you to be using your voice,

And part of that is standing in who you are.

But a part of what I am here to do is to talk and to communicate.

Imagine that,

Being a Gemini with Mercury and Gemini both in the same house.

Me wanting to communicate?

Hmm,

Surprising.

Figuring out how to communicate has been a whole other story my whole life,

Right?

Being able to use my voice and stuff.

And this is all part of the journey.

It's all coming all around again.

Again,

Remember we're on a spiral.

This beautiful spiral of life that is all about growth.

So when you come around again,

I come around again to this story about not using my voice,

Not having a voice.

Well,

Here it is.

It's right there again.

So what is it now?

What is it that is teaching me?

What is it that I'm here to learn?

What is it that I'm here to grow?

And one of the things that I got out of all this is just do it.

It doesn't matter what you sound like.

It doesn't matter what you look like when you show up.

It doesn't matter what you think you may or may not know.

You just have to show up in the moments.

That's why I jumped on this podcast today to create it because I had to show up.

I'm being asked to show up and I'm finding excuses on why not to show up.

And in the past,

When I didn't want to show up,

I would make myself physically sick.

I may or may not talked about this before,

But when I was going to school for art and architecture,

Two passions,

Two things that I absolutely loved and still do to this day.

Nothing I enjoy more than going to a new city,

Exploring one of their art galleries,

Art museums,

And just looking at the architecture of that area.

I could get on a bus and go to God knows where just to look at houses and the architecture of the area.

But when I was going to school,

There was a lot of things that were happening at that time.

I wasn't comfortable in my own body.

I wasn't comfortable about my sexuality.

I didn't know who I was.

I felt very insecure about what I was creating and what I was doing.

Second guessing myself,

Second guessing of things that I was creating.

And it was all coming to a head.

And not only did I find ways to make myself physically sick,

I also managed to physically hurt myself.

After I stepped on my X-Acto knife and cut open my foot,

Sliced open my finger,

Took a rollerblading accident and sprained my wrist.

Imagine trying to draw when you can't do that.

Slip and fall at work in the restaurant.

Totally took my wrist out.

Couldn't even do that semester.

It was just like one thing after another.

And these are things that I were manifesting and creating because I didn't want to show up in class.

Because it made me so super uncomfortable.

So here I am again,

Right?

And the same thing's happening.

Or is it?

Because it really is not the same,

Because I'm a different person at this point.

Or different in this moment.

But it is a reminder.

It's a reminder to me to show up.

I don't feel uncomfortable in my body.

Actually I feel very comfortable in my body.

I am very comfortable with my sexuality,

With my gender.

I am very comfortable with my spirituality,

My spiritual practice.

But today I realize that's not 100% true.

Right?

It's not 100% true.

So I was chilling out at the pool.

I was writing about what I was going to talk about today.

Of course I haven't pulled it out.

Nor do I have lights on to be able to share it.

But there's a couple things happen.

I realize that I like to be in the dark.

And it has not,

It's not about not shining my light.

It's about shining my light through the darkness.

And I had this whole discussion about darkness.

But what I found that I didn't really know,

But I kind of sort of knew,

Is that I was still having doubts and insecurity.

And it's about sharing my message.

About sharing my story.

About sharing all this information that is gifted to me through the divine with all of you.

And it's about sharing it in my voice.

And doing it my way.

And I've always kind of done things my way.

But sometimes it takes me a little bit to get there.

It takes some of this inner sitting and this inner study,

Going through,

Excuse me,

Losing my voice,

Going through these experiences to remind me that I am really truly comfortable with who I am.

Believing who I am and following my path.

Speaking my truth.

But it doesn't mean that I am not without doubts in moments.

And sometimes those moments can be very big moments.

Very long moments,

Days,

Months,

Years.

Thinking I have nothing to add and nothing to say.

When in all reality I have so much to share with all of you.

And the divine is gifting me with this information and this guidance and this wisdom all the time.

And I have to really embrace it.

And I really have to,

Well,

You know there's not have to,

But I really want to,

I really want to embrace it.

I really want to share it with all of you.

I really want you all to connect with yourselves.

And I want to be somebody that helps you to facilitate that.

I want to be there to help you help yourself.

Because you are the healer.

If you notice I changed the podcast to Intuitive Heart Healing instead of Intuitive Heart Healer.

Because I want you all to recognize you really are the healers.

And my goal in life is to spread oneness with love.

And really coming back to oneness is coming back to pure unconditional love.

In order to get here,

My belief is that we have to begin to heal.

And we heal many different ways.

And when we begin to heal,

We come back to this oneness and we come back to love.

And I want to help you get there.

Through teachings,

Through guidance,

Through helping to teach you how to heal.

As I keep talking it's getting harder and harder so bear with me as I go through this.

So in teaching oneness,

It comes back to understanding duality.

And understanding duality within ourselves.

And how duality shows up for us.

When we look at the human body and we split it down the middle,

We have a right side and a left side.

And then you hear people talk about left side is this,

Right side is that.

Masculine energy is on this side.

Phenomenon energy is on that side.

This is the present.

This is the past.

All this is creation of duality.

The same time it also helps us to understand.

The light and the dark also is a creation of duality.

But it helps us to understand.

So understanding the duality.

Understanding the feminine and masculine energy,

The right,

Wrong,

Light and dark brings us to more love and more oneness.

And that's really what I want to help spread around here is love,

Oneness.

And really allowing ourselves to go into the darkness.

And understanding that the darkness is not scary.

It's so funny that was the other reflection I had today.

When I'm contemplating all this about how I'm feeling,

How I was saying that,

You know,

This cold just don't want to go away.

What am I holding on to?

I'm holding on to the job that I accepted that was temporary was only going to be a few months.

I'm holding on to that.

I began the process of letting go but I don't have exact exit date.

So I think that's,

I know that's part of the issue here.

And I hope to rectify that very soon.

This next couple days.

So that'll help me to also to release this cold,

Which is,

Is releasing all these old patterns right?

Because this cold sickness rate is showing up for a reason.

And you have to listen to it.

And it's not always the same answer.

And but for me this time around,

It's about releasing and letting go.

I mean,

I've had all this congestion in my nose that I've had the release,

Not pretty.

It's not pretty.

You know,

Healing is not always pretty.

Not always.

It's not always easy either.

And it can take a very,

Very,

Very long time to go through,

You know.

So if you're just starting out in this journey,

It's a never ending journey,

But it's a beautiful journey.

I wouldn't change a thing about my journey no matter what.

That's my point of view.

And that's my perspective.

I just,

I appreciate every moment that I had.

Even if it's like a relationship to a person or to a job that has gone too far.

And I just hold on to it because there's a lesson in there for me to learn.

And a lesson that's going to stick with me and help me along the way.

Whether it's something I bring forward to you or to somebody else.

Or if it's just a lesson for myself.

To really work through and begin to understand about myself.

Because we're all different,

We're all different human beings.

But going back to this light and darkness,

I'd pulled a card and it began this topic that I was having a discussion in a chat group with my spiritual circle.

And it was about the darkness and pretty much not to fear the darkness.

But in reading this and reading the responses,

I had this like aha moment.

This aha moment was when I was a kid,

I used to watch scary movies all the time.

Always all the time.

Never a big fan of Halloween.

And my mom reminded me why.

Because she put me in kindergarten on the school bus in my Halloween costume,

Dressed as a ghost on the wrong day.

So I never ever wanted to really ever after get dressed up for Halloween.

I always had to fear I was going to show up on the wrong day.

Instead of just being a kid that loved to put on costumes,

That was never me.

Guess that's another reflection for another time.

But anyway,

I hate this time of year.

I'm not a big fan of Halloween.

I think it's cute when kids dress up,

Just not a big fan of intentionally scaring people.

And one of the reasons why I hate this time of year is for all the scary movies that come out because I can't watch scary movies anymore.

And it was this moment where I was like,

I love being in the darkness.

I love exploring the underworld.

I love working with Kali.

I love going deep into that understanding of death and some of the destruction of how it brings rebirth and things like that.

And then I'm like,

You freaking hate scary movies.

You hate Halloween.

Hate maybe,

No,

It's probably the right word,

But it's a strong word.

I really dislike it.

And it was like,

How can you be somebody that really goes into this darkness and really embraces it and really enjoys the work in that area?

Because you know that that's the biggest growth out there.

And that appreciating your darkness instead of pushing away helps you to bring oneness with it into the light.

The darkness is no better or less than the light.

The light is no better than or less than the darkness.

But what is it about scary movies?

It's the intentional fear that is put upon people through these movies.

And I don't like that as humans,

We like to inflict intentional fear on other people and find it funny.

And I was like,

Huh,

That's interesting.

But I am somebody that wants to bring love into this world.

So it kind of makes sense.

But as a society,

As humans,

We always tend to lean towards inflicting fear.

And really,

Isn't that what is happening right now with me?

Not wanting to let go of this job?

Isn't that really fear?

Isn't that really what's going on?

Fear?

And where is this fear coming from?

Because I didn't think it was coming for me.

But as I looked outwards,

And I saw reflections,

I learned that it was really coming for me.

Because we're all reflections of others.

And so what you see in something else or what you project out there is really with what's in you.

And so as I looked at this as I was fear of judgment of others,

Really I'm fear judgment of myself.

And I didn't fully believe in myself.

I didn't fully believe in myself.

And believe in the message that I am here to help spread.

I believe in that.

I just didn't necessarily believe in that I was necessarily the right person to do this.

And that it was going to lead me where I'm meant to lead.

And you know,

I believe it to be true.

But there's still this part of me that's inside me,

This fear that I didn't believe it to be true.

And it's still something I'm working on.

This is really just really raw talking about this.

There is no like outcome of where this is going.

Except for this is a big awareness that I had today.

It's all connected with me being sick and losing my voice,

Right?

It's all connected.

And part of this is actually piecing some of this together as I speak to you.

But it comes back to this fear I have.

And part of the fear is that I won't have everything I need to go and do what I know I'm meant to do.

And holding on to this job is giving me financial means right now.

Because that's really what it comes down to.

Is having financial means to do what I know that I'm here to do.

And how I want to help people help facilitate healing and teachings and learnings to all of you so that you can show up the way that you choose to show up.

And follow your inner guidance and your inner purpose.

And so this this job that I took,

Even though it's not about the money and I can release it,

But there's still that part.

It's not about the money with this job.

It's about believing that I will make what I want.

It's not even the words.

To make enough money for everything I need.

And as I kind of came through this realization,

I was listening to music.

A song came on.

And the first words of the song.

And it was right after I finished writing this out.

It says,

I have everything I need.

And to me,

That was the confirmation I needed in that moment to know I was right on the right path.

And to remind me that I do have everything I need.

And when I believe in the divine,

And I believe in the guidance that divine spirit is showing me and guiding me to do.

And when I follow that,

I know that I will have everything I need.

In my heart,

I know that's true.

When I jump back into my head,

I forget about this.

So when I start to get back in my head,

I have to remember to pull myself back into my heart.

And this all came out from me being sick,

Not 100% with this cold,

With this yuckiness that's going on.

And I share this and I'm being vulnerable with you because it's important.

Because one of the things I realized,

Especially last night when I was teaching this class,

One of the things I realized is A,

I want to be as open,

Honest with all of you as possible.

B,

I don't want to be put on a pedestal like I'm greater than anybody else,

Or less than anybody else,

For that matter.

I want you just to see me as me for who I am in that moment.

And that's what I want to do,

Is to see you for who you are in that moment.

And I share these things with you through teachings,

Guidance,

This podcast,

And all this,

Because I want you to know the journey is real.

I also want you to understand that no matter what point you are in your journey,

You will go through things like this.

And that it's only easier for me to go through this in this moment,

Because I've put in the work to clear away and release beliefs that I held to for so long.

This didn't happen overnight.

This has been a journey,

I'm gonna say for the last seven years,

But we all know it's been longer than that.

But let's just go back seven years.

Well,

It started way before that.

But let's just call it that.

Okay,

Stop.

Not you.

I'm talking to the guys.

It's like an argument in my head going on right now.

It's been longer than that.

I have to just give in and give in to them because my guides are never going to stop.

But I say seven years because that was when I became aware.

And that's how I meant to say it.

Seven years ago,

I became aware.

But the journey has been all my life,

Just like your journey has been all your life.

So I really hope by sharing this,

That this helps you in some way.

And like I said in the beginning,

Take what you wish to be true.

And whatever you don't,

Just throw it away.

If this sounds like something that can help you,

Great.

If you just listened to it and you enjoyed it,

That's great too.

And if you didn't like it at all,

That's okay too.

Because you were just meant to hear whatever you meant to hear out of it.

And I know in my heart that our paths have crossed for some reason.

And even if that was to say that this is total BS,

Then that's what it's meant to be.

And if it's to say,

Wow,

This really helped me look at something differently,

Or helped you become aware about something within you to help you on the healing process,

Then that's great too.

And that's what it's meant to be.

So I'm going to end it right there.

I could probably ramble on forever,

Except for really having a little hard time right now.

But I want you just to take time and reflect and be in curiosity about something that is going on with you.

Whether it's physically,

Emotionally,

Within you,

Or that you see around you.

And just be in curiosity as to what it is showing you.

And just sit with it,

Journal with it,

Meditate with it,

Whatever you feel called to do.

I did a little bit of everything today.

And it all came in different pieces,

Through conversations and journaling and pulling a car and just meditating a little bit with it.

So sometimes it all comes together in many different forms.

So just be curious and let the curiosity take you where it's meant to go.

And just be okay with it.

Be okay with your journey.

Because it's your journey.

It's going to make you better,

No matter how you get through it.

It just is.

I believe it in my heart.

Go out and spread some love in this world today.

I am sending all my love to all of you.