Apologizing And Canceling

Description for the Jan 27, 2025 live event:

Oops. I booked my "Thought Process Thursday" I guess too close to a long overseas flight and apparently got thrown off on dates and times and for that, I'm sorry to any and all who had put aside time to join. Now it is an opportunity to explore apologies.

When do we need to apologize and when is it meaningless, hollow, and automatic? How can we know/tell about this? This also leads to canceling, cancel culture, fulfilling commitments, forgetting, circumstances, etc, and what kind of needed guidelines ought to be involved.

Please join and give thoughts, stories, advice, feedback, etc

Transcript

Hey,

Wholeness.

Welcome.

This is Josh Dippold.

Today's event is called apologizing and canceling.

So my description for this is,

Oops,

I booked my thought process Thursday,

Which is an event,

I guess too close to long overseas flight and apparently got thrown off on dates and times.

And for that,

I'm sorry to any and all who had put aside time to join.

This was like,

What,

Three or three or some days ago.

Now it's an opportunity to explore apologies.

When do we need to apologize?

And when is it meaningless,

Hollow and automatic?

How can we know,

Tell about this?

This also led into canceling,

Cancel culture,

Fulfilling commitments,

Forgetting circumstances,

Et cetera.

And what kind of needed guidelines ought to be involved.

Please join and give thoughts,

Stories,

Advice,

Feedback,

Et cetera.

So yeah,

I had planned this thought process Thursday with Insight Timer.

They recommend teachers or whatever always have some kind of event scheduled.

And so since I've been offline for over a month or two months,

Probably doing retreats and stuff,

Or basically one month of silent without electronics,

Then I returned to serve.

And then I still have access to electronics,

But I couldn't do any of these things.

So anyway,

I booked an event far in advance.

And then when the time came,

Of course,

I was at the store shopping and completely forgot that I had scheduled it and saw people had missed it.

Insight Timer canceled it as they should have and gave me a strike.

So if you miss,

If you do three no-shows,

Then you,

I don't know,

I guess you,

I forget what the penalty is,

Like you can't do.

Anyway,

Yada,

Yada,

Yada.

I missed it.

And I'm kind of gutted by it for anybody that actually set aside time in their day ahead of time and then shows up and waited in their precious time.

And I know my time is kind of the most precious thing.

We can always make more money,

But we can't get our time back.

So what do you do when you forget?

So this goes into two events I already did.

One of them is called the Psychology of Customer Service Apologies.

And maybe I'll link that or maybe I'll not.

And then this ghosted,

Ignored,

Canceled,

More grist to nourish all.

So that's all here on Insight Timer too.

You can look that one up.

So what I want to talk to today about apologies,

What is your guys' general take on apologies?

I can think here recently,

An apology was requested of me because I won't go into details,

But I didn't do it right away because it felt inauthentic,

Inauthentic.

And if I would have said it,

It would have been meaningless and hollow.

And upon further contemplation,

There was something in the way,

Something else I needed to work on and address before I could get in the ballpark of giving an authentic apology.

A lot of times,

People just do it automatically.

You got one end of the spectrum where people just apologize automatically,

And it kind of means nothing.

We get in customer service,

We call people on the phone.

Oh,

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

It's just kind of a matter of protocol.

It doesn't really mean anything.

It's from a script.

But some people find solace from this,

And it usually doesn't hurt anything unless I've been at times outraged by people's superficiality and lack of thoughtfulness and care by just automatically responding with apology.

So it actually had the exact opposite effect of what they maybe were hoping for or whatever.

But on the other end of this thing that if we're always caught in this notion of,

Have to give apologies or never giving an apology,

Never asking for someone to apologize for us as well.

So this is a whole nother dynamic.

And how sincere and helpful is it going to be?

Because the other thing is an apology usually signifies,

Okay,

Well,

Something needs to change here.

And how much effort is actually going to go into backing up that sorriness or apology?

How much effort is going to go into actually rectifying it instead of having it hollow words again?

How do you do that?

How do you demonstrate?

Well,

One thing I do,

And I'll get to the comments here in just a moment.

One thing I've done is just,

You have to demonstrate.

So go the extra mile.

If I missed out on something or showed up late,

This is just,

You know,

And got men and women are different too,

You know,

Men,

They have to be worth their word.

It's different with the feminine,

I feel a lot of times.

So what I would do is go show the extra mile,

Show up earlier,

Ask if there's anything else I can do to make up for it,

You know,

Or go out of my way to do something that they don't even ask for,

That shows that I'm truly,

You know,

Trying to correct what I perceived as a wrong.

And,

You know,

Some people,

They don't really care.

They just,

It's just built into their life that people are going to not live up to what they said or do something hurtful and things like this and not make up for it.

So some people just kind of expect that people won't do anything and it's kind of sad.

So it's helpful in going the extra mile to kind of show that sincere and do what we can.

Another thing is when I'm working on behavior to rectify something I'm truly sorry for,

It takes time.

So it can't be immediate.

I know a lot of us would like things and behaviors to change immediately,

Right?

But it takes time to build new habits and some people will never get there and some people it takes longer to do this with.

So how willing are we willing to change?

How much does a personal apology mean?

You know,

Does it really make a difference regardless of whether there's any change in behavior or anything like that?

Or does it need to be backed up by some kind of action and change?

So these are some questions I have around this.

Okay,

Rachel says,

I'm really interested in your views on cancel culture.

Could you go straight to that as I can't stay on for long.

It's been 10,

Oh sorry Rachel,

You can catch this later.

And again,

It's called ghosted,

Ignored,

Canceled,

More grist to nourish all.

You can find that audio.

But yeah,

I will talk about that here in just a little bit.

Noni says,

I'm also very curious about cancel culture.

Haven't heard that term yet.

Okay,

Well,

That was kind of happened during the lockdown.

So it could be very damaging.

People can lose careers over it.

Noni says,

I feel it's simple when we own our mistakes and move on.

Yeah,

I totally agree.

We have to because no one else is responsible for our behavior.

And if something comes across our way where it's not really ours anyway,

But there it is,

It's in our field,

We're experiencing it.

So what are we going to do about it?

Even though it's not ours,

And you know,

It's not our fault.

We're now in the midst of it.

And we need to take responsibility for how we view it and how we respond to it.

So that's a practice and a training in and of itself too.

And Noni says,

Let others examine their response to your truth.

Let others examine their response to your truth.

I probably want a little more clarification on that.

There's the whole other notion of intention and outcome.

I talked about this before.

We're 100% responsible for what we intend to do,

Right?

Our purpose in why we do what we do,

Why we say what we say,

Why we think what we think.

That's 100% our responsibility or my responsibility.

Now how others receive it,

If it was a hundred percent,

My responsibility,

I would control exactly how they took what I said,

What I thought about and how I acted.

But I can't control how they take it,

But I'm still partially responsible.

So I've heard of a 50-50.

So how the outcome is,

Is 50% my responsibility,

50% the other's responsibility.

I think this is one of the better guidelines I've heard on this intention and outcome or why we do what we do and then how it's received.

Noni says,

If you made a mistake,

It is what it is.

If people are going to get all upside down and emotional about it,

It's a personal thing.

Something to be examined more carefully within our life patterns.

This is an important point.

I think how other people respond to what we do,

What other people say about us,

I think it says a lot more about them than it does us.

Now this isn't to skirt responsibility or get away from what self-responsibility we need to do,

But a lot of times people's response has very little to do with us and says more about what's been done to them.

Okay,

Now canceling culture.

This is an important one.

So now these are things built into people's policies like Insight Timer has a policy about kind of no-show and where they have to cancel and things like this.

If you're going on retreat,

Retreats have a cancellation policy.

This is the more practical matter of how,

You know,

Businesses and certain type of contractual obligations play out.

So this is not so human relation,

But it's necessary in the things we engage in,

The time and money we give to do things,

Have a cancellation policy.

So this is fairly easy and straightforward.

You know,

Some people bend these things because of certain circumstances.

You get into a hardship,

Someone,

An immediate family member,

Or a loved one dies and that's different.

Or there's a grave serious illness,

You know,

That's not necessarily what I'm talking about.

Now,

When it comes to human interactions,

You know,

And what I've noticed is a lot of people,

Especially females,

Not necessarily bad.

They'll just say,

Oh yeah,

Let's go do this and let's do that.

And it's,

It just,

I take things more literally,

Right?

And in that instance,

They're just kind of being social and talking about things maybe they want to do and not being so serious and committal,

Right?

And then so when something comes up,

Then it might not go through.

But then the other extreme is this really hard line.

I've said something and I'm going to commit to it no matter what.

And if I can't do it,

Then I'm going to do everything in my power to go for it.

And of course I fall more on the other end of the extreme.

I think now that in relationship it's different because it's not just me and what I want to do and my commitments and how I want to do things and how I can follow through on them and the time and energy I can do to make that happen.

So it's different now that I'm not on my own.

And so,

But this is,

There's pros and cons to this too.

I have to consider other things involved in this.

But cancel culture,

Now we're finally getting into it with just a few minutes left.

This is,

From what I understand,

And I should have looked up a complete definition.

This is a kind of a new thing where people have,

Although I don't think it's as heightened as it once was during the lockdowns and things like this,

That people feel justified to get back at someone almost and show their worth and importance by saying,

I can just,

It doesn't matter.

I'm first and I'm going to cancel whatever I want whenever I want it.

And also I'm going to make sure other people can't do what they want to do.

I'm going to cancel them.

If someone that I don't like or I feel is some kind of a threat to me that I want to make sure whatever I do,

Whatever I can do to make sure they can't follow through on what they're going to do.

I can even schedule an event,

Invite them to it,

And just cancel it with a moment notice and say,

Ha ha ha,

And kind of feel better about myself for putting the other person down and canceling them.

So this is,

I think,

Judgmentalism at its,

One of its lower states.

Now I get the notion of there's a lot of pain in this world and a lot of people don't put them,

They don't value themselves and give themselves the kind of love,

Care,

And attention that they need.

And so they,

I think it's a slight distortion that if they engage in this cancel thing,

That they're taking care of themselves and prioritizing themselves over others.

And I totally agree,

Especially for the feminine,

They should do this,

But does it need to be at someone else's expense?

What is the intention and driving force for doing this?

Is it my care first or is it actually,

I feel better about myself for canceling this person,

This whatever it is,

And saying,

Screw you,

I'm more important than you.

It doesn't matter,

Not even consider anything about them,

Me first,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Egotistical.

So I think that's what I'm meaning by cancel culture here.

Yeah,

But I also get it though.

Some people are just so overwrought and so distressed that anything they can do to get a slight moment of reprieve from the pain that they're in,

And this is just one more kind of unskillful,

Unwholesome method of doing that.

So what's the alternative to this?

Yeah,

It's how tightly do we hold these commitments we make?

I think I just have to,

Yeah,

I don't know how to address this for the feminine and females.

I really don't.

And even in relationship yet,

I don't know how to hold this.

And then there's just certain things that come in our way where we're not able to fulfill our promises and everybody's experienced that and things happen and things like this.

So I think it all comes back to the heart,

In our heart of hearts,

How is it?

Whether we can make commitments and follow through them or we can't,

It's a topic we're really exploring in society still to this very day.

How do we go about this?

So whatever it is,

However it is,

The level of care needs to be brought to it.

And men and women,

I think,

Express care differently.

So how do we care for ourselves and care for others without being overwrought and overrun and not taking care of ourselves?

And how much am I overdoing that though?

And the other extreme and saying,

Screw you to everybody else,

Screw you to some commitments I made,

Who cares about those?

I can just leave those anytime I want.

And then things happen in life that are very bizarre too,

Right?

And they're hard to explain.

And a lot of times people just want to brush things off with a little white lie to make smooth things over.

And I understand,

But this notion of honesty and integrity and being authentic,

I think it helps a lot with this.

Sometimes things are just so bizarre that people wouldn't understand if you explained it to them.

So how do you go about conveying that?

One of the ways I use recently is currently circumstances beyond my control have emerged,

Something like this.

And so it doesn't need to go in a lot of detail.

And some other teachers say,

You don't have to explain anything.

You don't have to explain yourself.

And I would say,

Yeah,

It's true.

But where is the heart?

Is that done in a way like I'm entitled to not have to explain myself?

Screw you.

I don't have to tell you.

I don't want to explain anything to you.

Or is it like,

Okay,

This is the choice.

Do I need to spend more and more time explaining things all the time?

So this is the notion of how we go about doing it too.

So Lisa Nada says,

Way too many egotistical people and politicians out there today.

Totally agree.

What do we do about it though?

Do we keep fueling the same energy that they have?

So one of the classic antidotes to egotistical,

Which usually goes with greed and ill will.

So for greed,

It's generosity.

How can I be,

If I'm feeling greed or how can I be generous to overcome my greed?

But when it goes to other people on TV,

It is kind of like an emotional con game.

Politicians and people today too.

But loving kindness,

How can we say,

Okay,

I see and honor your Buddha nature.

I see and honor your divinity,

But that's not for me.

That's not for me.

I can be kind in that notion that I don't have to show the same kind of hate and ill will towards them as they're showing towards me and other people,

Because that just fuels the same cycle over and over.

Taking the self-responsibility to say,

Hey,

I'm not going to feed into the same kind of crap that they're spewing out.

But not doing it from a righteous sense,

Like I'm saying,

It's just like,

Ah,

That's painful.

I acknowledge that pain and what am I going to do about it?

Well,

I wish that it will release and that they'll know peace and all those affected by it will too.

And I don't have to do that from a high and mighty horse.

It's just like when I think of the heart meets challenges like this,

That's when there's not a lot of stuff in the way.

It has a compassionate response of,

Oh,

That's painful.

I want that to release.

What's the best way to go about this?

Rachel says,

A friend of mine had a gig booked and they canceled her on the same day without notice because they disagreed with her political view.

Yeah.

And so things like this,

This is what I'm talking about.

They could have easily,

And I don't know the examples and circumstances,

Maybe something happened where they had to wait to the last minute to do this.

But if they deliberately knew that they were going to cancel with plenty of time and then waited to the last minute and then did it,

I would consider that like cancel culture.

So they should have had plenty of time to write back and say,

Hey,

After further investigation,

I'm sorry,

We can't do this because our political views do not align.

So our initial move of booking you,

It was in haste.

We shouldn't have done that.

We should have done more research and found out that we don't align politically.

But if they deliberately booked her knowing that their political views didn't align,

Then waited to the last minute to say that.

That's kind of what I'm talking about with cancel culture.

So it's this deliberate kind of attack,

A deception to kind of get at someone and to put them down and to pull the rug out from under them and to kind of harm them and make them feel less than and inferior and attacked because of,

Like you're saying,

The political views and things like this.

Okay.

So yeah.

And views,

How much are we clinging to our views too?

You know,

This is one where I got really in trouble where what I say and how I view it is the only right way.

I'm exaggerating a little bit here,

Right?

But then screw everybody else's view.

I'm not willing to listen to them.

This is how it is.

And I'm only going to associate with people with this particular view.

And it's actually painful.

So at the end of the day,

It comes down to,

Do I want to be right or do I want to be well?

And sometimes I can't always be right,

But I can be well by not clinging to my views as tightly as I once did,

Right?

We've all got views and opinions,

But what's the most helpful,

Wholesome,

Skillful view for myself and others,

Especially in the longterm and what's not.

So we want to go towards more skillful,

Wholesome,

Wise views in a way from those that are not,

That will lead to our longterm welfare and happiness.

Noni says,

Ever doing intentional harm is not kind,

Not supportive to life.

Absolutely.

Abuse is never okay.

And so these ethics are all based on non-harming,

You know,

And there's subtle layers of non-harming.

So it takes a strong commitment to non-harming and it doesn't come natural for a lot of people.

And that's okay.

It's a training.

So we train in non-harming and start off with harm reduction,

Right?

Whatever we can to reduce harm,

Starting off with,

If we can't completely cut it off.

And in the heart,

You know,

This ill will,

This notion of I'm having this arise where I want to harm some,

I want to be angry and harm.

And I'm constantly choosing to say that arising that wants to cause harm is okay.

And I approve of it.

That to me is ill will.

And that is one of the scourges of all that's,

You know,

It's a very defilement.

So sometimes these notions will come up and we'll see them,

But all we have to do is not,

Or not all,

But train to,

Of course,

Not agree with that and not approve of that when we're conscious of these things arising.

So we're responsible for,

You know,

Not agreeing with that and wanting to train to not have this approval of harm.

When it arises,

We witness it in ourselves and others.

Females are different.

We are equally commitment people.

I certainly am.

Yes,

That's a good point.

Cannot generalize.

I appreciate that,

Rachel.

Thank you for the correction.

So yes,

You know,

That females do take certain types of commitments very,

Very seriously.

And I totally agree on that.

So I appreciate the correction there,

Rachel.

Thank you.

I don't explain myself to anyone anymore.

I share my truth and they may share theirs,

Period.

Well,

That's admirable,

Noni.

I appreciate that decisiveness there.

Yeah.

So it sounds like culture is another name for virtual bullying because people are no longer in each other's faces with their fists up.

Yep.

This is easy.

You get an anonymous online account,

People will interact in ways they normally don't face to face for sure.

If everyone could simply commit to kindness,

It would be a magical reality we could create.

Well,

Yeah.

I mean,

Even more so than that,

Imagine how much we take for granted that we haven't killed another human being.

Not everybody can say that on the earth.

Just imagine one day where no one killed another human being.

Not everybody can say that.

And how much do we take that for granted?

I mean,

That's something to be mindful of,

Celebrate actually,

And not take for granted because not everybody can say that.

And even that basic thing,

Even if the heart isn't even right,

Just abstaining from that for one day on earth,

It'd be so amazing.

But yeah,

Absolutely.

And training to eliminate greed,

Ill will,

And delusion for sure.

Lisa not in guys,

I need to start running this down.

It's almost twice as long as what I've planned for.

And I really appreciate the engagement feedback.

Let me just keep reading here.

Lisa not as I don't think people deliberately book someone and then cancel them.

But I think they canceled them when they found out their views to after and sometimes they even do that with record deals.

And I know somebody who has had done that on her because of her views.

Yeah,

It's it's more and more common these days.

And not only that,

But people are looking at social media profiles in order to do all kinds of things,

You know,

The social credit scores like they have in certain countries.

And,

You know,

In America,

It's kind of soft with our credit scores and our social media accounts that are being,

You know,

Integrated with,

I guess,

AI,

And then people just put a filter,

I guess,

The AI program can filter out,

You know,

Who they want to do whatever with or not.

So these things are,

Are quite,

Yeah,

Quite rampant these days.

So she had a record deal,

And then they canceled it on her because of her political views,

Then she became a hit,

And they were upset that they did that.

Okay,

And yeah,

And so this is another notion of the you know,

So it's good to have ethics,

But it's also how much are we just kind of putting it,

How much are people just putting it out there to what do they call it virtue signal,

Right?

So virtue signaling,

And,

And how much is actually authentic care in these things?

And then how much should we be forgiving of people,

Allowing and accepting of other political views?

And then when people do express their views,

How much is appropriate and not for the time?

And what should be done about it?

So these are all complex questions that I don't think have a lot of easy answers.

The difference in view should be worked out before the contract was signed.

People need to use their freaking words and get clear with each other.

Yeah.

So why do people say one thing,

Mean another,

And then do something else entirely different?

That comes from my fiance.

It's a brilliant,

I mean,

The whole world just becomes way more clear.

We realize a lot of people operate that,

Say one thing,

Mean another,

Do something else entirely.

There's a lot of vindictive females out there too,

Though.

So I wouldn't say they're any better than the man,

You know,

It all boils down to the heart.

Yeah.

The,

The gender I think is secondary to what's in your heart of hearts,

You know,

What's been done to us and how much are we willing to,

To,

To stop what's been done to us and heal and work to set boundaries and do what we need to do and take responsibility and get empowered by taking that self-responsibility,

You know,

And seek out teachers and friends that are,

They're helpful and wholesome and wise,

Associating with the wise too.

Noni says,

I was raised in a polygamist cult,

Completely free from this weird American and word cult,

World culture that I am now trying to assimilate into people and their choices and freedom absolutely baffles me.

Yeah.

Well,

I would say you don't really need to assimilate,

You only need to assimilate to a certain degree.

There's a lot of things that are not helpful to assimilate to,

But I know what you mean.

You need to go on and do what you need to do when you need to be around people.

But yeah,

The Europe is where I'm at now in Denmark is quite a bit,

Bit significantly different than,

Than America has,

As was South Korea that I spent three months in too.

Very true.

It's a disposable society,

Including human lives and that's,

That's,

That's sad.

So yeah,

The more we can realize the preciousness of this human life,

The better and what a gift it is.

There's more,

And they say life forms in a five gallon bucket of rich soil than there are humans on the earth.

So the,

I think that the texts give how rare it is,

Is like a blind sea turtle floating up and putting its head through a hole in a log,

A driftwood log.

I mean,

That's the rarity of a human birth.

So it is more precious and we take it for granted because we see so many humans,

We interact with so many humans.

So we don't really value it as much as I think maybe in centuries past,

But it is a precious gift.

And how well are we spending our time?

What are we doing with it?

Noni says,

I am so blown away by what I expected to experience in freedom versus what is showing up.

Free humans have all been just as much,

If not more than brainwashed than I have been.

I just hope that karma is real.

So yeah,

It's,

It's in America,

It is a complete illusion of freedom.

And there's so much brainwashing,

Totally agree.

The thing is though that there is a degree of external freedom that is totally possible for those who want it to then go inside and that's where the real freedom is.

So if you use the external freedom to go inward and do practices,

That's better.

But usually people get drawn out into the external and get drawn into so many areas of brainwashing and propaganda,

Mind control,

These things like this,

But there is enough degree of external to actually go in and do the inner work where real true freedom can possibly be done,

But it's usually a long,

Hard road.

So karma is basically just action,

Action with intention.

So anytime I think,

Speak or act,

Especially speak and act with an intention,

It's cause and effect causality,

Right?

Skillful actions have skillful results.

Unskillful actions have unskillful results.

And this is nothing to believe.

This is something to investigate and experience in one's own experience,

You know,

Life.

So I like that,

Joshua,

We get to use our freedom to go within.

It's the finest use of all indeed.

Exactly.

So don't fall prey to the external,

Just use whatever external quote unquote freedom you have been allotted to then do the practices and the work and the study and find the friends and teachers you need to actually go for that being free,

You know?

Yeah.

So guys with that,

May all beings everywhere realize awakening and be free,

You know,

And do so with the heart that is going to be beneficial for you and others in long term for doing so.