The Search For "Enoughness"

Recently, as I sat in my meditation practice, the old familiar feelings of unworthiness started to creep back in. I turned on my microphone and began recording my experience. Unscripted, unedited, and raw. In this episode, I discuss my quest for being enough, or what I refer to in the episode as, my search for “enoughness” (I think I made up my own word there)! Shifting from searching for love in others to finding it within myself. My process of how I am navigating this self-love journey.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of Incorporate Mindfulness. I'm your host, Michelle. I'm an occupational therapist, Yoga instructor, And mindfulness teacher. I believe that together we can create positive change one mindful moment at a time. So settle in for today's mindful moment, The search for being enough, Or what I refer to as enough-ness. Music Hello, Good morning. Well, At least for me, It is morning as I sit here. So whatever time of day it is for you, Morning, Afternoon, Evening, Welcome. I'm so glad you're here and that you're listening to this episode. On Sundays, I try to do a longer meditation because it's typically a time of day and a time in the week where I have a little bit more extra time that I can sit and do a longer meditation. And so today I sat in my meditation, Which was about 45 minutes. If that number scares you and that seems like a really long time, Please know that I have been there. In fact, The first meditation that I ever did, I think it was a 45-minute meditation and I was not aware that I was going to be doing a 45-minute meditation in the class. It felt a little overwhelming, But with time, I have really gotten to the point where I really enjoy that 45 minutes. So I only say that to tell you that however you are meditating for however long or whatever is the best way for you, There is no judgment here. Most of the time, I probably do more of like a 10 to 20 minute in the morning meditation and that's typically my meditation. But I did my meditation this morning and in the meditation, Some thoughts that came up that kind of have been hovering for the last few weeks is this feeling of enoughness. So after my meditation, After sitting with that feeling of what is enough? Am I doing enough? Am I enough? What I have to contribute in this world, Is it enough? Many of you that are parents might have similar thoughts of, Am I doing enough as a parent? Although I'm not a parent yet, I work with a lot of parents and that seems to be a common theme that I see is, Am I enough? Am I being a good enough parent? Can I give enough of myself without losing myself? Or maybe this feeling at work of, Am I doing enough? Am I working hard enough? Is it all enough? And then when you come home at the end of the day and you find yourself getting ready for bed, Perhaps those thoughts come to you as well. Did I do enough today? Or maybe I did too much today and I didn't take care of myself. That was too much. And so I wonder if any of you have had the same thought. I know it's something that it often comes in and out of my life relatively frequently. It's kind of a common dialogue that I have with myself and my meditation practice has really allowed me to notice those thoughts. And for a long time, I think I had those thoughts hovering under the surface. This feeling of not doing enough or not being worthy. Certainly when I was in graduate school, That was a common theme because I was so passionate about the career that I was going into. And I really wanted to do my best. I wanted to be a good student. I wanted to learn everything. That was one of the times when it became most apparent probably for me was graduate school, Of really noticing how strong these feelings were. But lucky for me, I was introduced to mindfulness in graduate school. And so that was one of the first times that I really started to realize my thoughts. And I could notice that I have this reoccurring, Sometimes very loud thought of not feeling enough. And so maybe you do too. And if you do, I want to show you so much compassion because I know how exhausting it can be to feel like nothing you're doing is enough. So I titled this episode today, The Search for Enoughness, Because that is something that I feel that I've been searching for much of my life. So what do we do about this? Well, I wanted to tell you a little bit about what I have been doing and see if it resonates with you. And if this is something that you also struggle with, I'd love to hear what you have found to be helpful. So one of the first things that I do is notice that it's happening. For me, It often starts as a sensation, A tightness in the chest or maybe a pit in my stomach. But typically it's this heart centered tightness and it doesn't even have to be triggered by something. Sometimes this feeling can come up at the randomest of times. But the first thing I do is I notice that sensation. And for a long time, I would be having that sensation. And instead of really noticing it, I would push it down or try to avoid it. Or one of my most favorite tools is to outwork it. If I push harder, If I achieve harder, If I do more, That feeling will go away because then I will be enough. So maybe pause for a moment and just notice, Is there a sensation that you have when these feelings of not enoughness come up? Perhaps it's a sensation in your stomach, A gut feeling, Headache, I know can be for a lot of people. What is one of the first clues? And maybe right now you don't really know what it is. And that's OK. I'm sure if you're like me, You'll have plenty of opportunities to practice. So just start paying attention. I think in today's world and the culture we're in with being so distracted often and just immersed in technology and the busyness of our lives, I think we often forget about our body and we often miss cues that our body is trying to tell us. So often there will be a body cue telling us something's going on. So for me, It's usually that tightness in my chest. The next step that I do is I try to investigate a little. Where could this thought be coming from? Am I feeling overworked? Am I stretching myself too thin? Am I searching for approval? That's a common one for me is looking for approval from other people. So typically that's the one it is, Is if I'm not feeling enough, Then I need to be searching for other people to make me feel enough, Which actually can be challenging for the people who are around you because they're constantly trying to fill your cup and make you feel worthy. It is a beautiful thing to have people who love you unconditionally. But I think one of the first places this unconditional love needs to come from is ourself. Otherwise, We continue to find ourselves on this never ending journey to find that thing that will make us feel enough. Now, Something that I also want to say about investigating is we can go down the road where we investigate how we're feeling and why we are feeling that way, Which I think can be really helpful. But we can also go down the road where it ends up being more self deprecating or we get into what is called this rumination cycle. And a rumination cycle is really common for people with depression, Also with anxiety. And what happens is you have a thought and then you're really you're stuck on that thought you're perseverating on. This is why I feel this way. This is why I'm depressed. This is why this is so hard. But instead of just investigating and noticing it, What we do is then we pull that realization and we start dragging other things into it like, Oh, Yeah. And that one time I felt like that and and five years ago I felt like this. And we start pulling all of these things to really prove our story of we aren't enough. I have also done this. I have in times pulled up stories in my mind from elementary school of times when I didn't feel enough. And it sounds silly to even say that out loud as a grown woman. However, Those were stories in my life of times where I didn't feel enough. When I'm in that place, It's it's easy for me to pick up reminders and clues from other times in my life when I I didn't feel enough. So whatever we're looking to support, You will find the clues and to support what you what you believe. I investigate, But I try to not go into pulling other things from the past. I really just kind of notice, Like, OK, Maybe this is what's happening. We've talked quite a bit about nonjudgment, But this piece is huge when you're dealing with not feeling enough. The reason for that is if you beat yourself up for not being enough. You will continue to perpetuate the cycle. If you beat yourself up for your thoughts, How you're showing up. That is just going to perpetuate this cycle of not feeling enough. So in that moment, As I'm investigating what's happening, I pause. I show myself some compassion and some grace. And sometimes I physically have to take my hand and place it on my heart as a way of reminding myself, Hey, It's OK. You're OK. These feelings are OK. These feelings are pretty normal and it's OK. And by showing myself compassion, I allow space then to continue to investigate. But if I show up judging or criticizing myself immediately, I'm going to shut down or I'm going to get defensive or I'm going to continue to beat myself up. So compassion for me lately, It's been really helpful to also be back in my body so I can get really caught up in my thoughts and my my future planning or thinking about the past or whatever it is. I get what I need to do next, Especially if I'm on this journey of enoughness and it's like, OK, Well, I need to do this and maybe if I do that. And so I can get really caught up in my head and I find it really helpful to get back into my body for me lately, Which has been really surprising as I've really enjoyed running. And I have never really been much of a runner. Haven't really enjoyed it. But lately I have been going on runs and I also make a point of not bringing headphones with me. And the reason for that is listening to my breath and my feet hitting the pavement and the sounds around me is really grounding for me. It really helps bring me back to the present moment. And it really helps me be in my body. So sometimes lately while I've been running, I might think through some of these things. It's like I'm moving my body. I'm here feeling my body and then I think about some of those things. And it's been really helpful for me. I have really enjoyed it. So after investigating and I'm in my body and moving my body, I also like to cycle. So I have a peloton that I have become obsessed with, As I'm sure many people in the U. S. Have become obsessed during quarantine. I will go on the peloton and sometimes that's helpful. Or I'll just go on a walk in the neighborhood walking my dogs or sometimes just even doing some gentle stretches with my eyes closed. And that can be a really great way for me to kind of get out of my head, Get into my body. And then once I'm in my body, My thoughts can start to flow more freely. Something that's been really helping my run as well is after I've kind of investigated, I have started adding some positive mantras or some positive things that I will say to myself. So after I've kind of investigated, I've shown myself compassion. I've brought my awareness to my body. I try to add something that will make me feel strong. So lately, As I've been running, Every time my foot hits the pavement, I'll say a different word in my head. So I'll share mine with you. So mine lately has been love, Courage, Impact. Love, Courage, Impact. And so with every step, I'm saying that in my head. And for me, Those words, They actually just came to me one day on my run. And so I've continued to use them because they were so impactful for me, Just like my word. But love, Showing myself love and compassion, But also showing others love. That is how I want to show up in this world. That is why I created this podcast and this platform is because my contribution is love to this world. Often when I'm beating myself up, I'm not showing up with love to myself. So love, Courage. I had this realization that often when we are stepping out of our comfort zone or really confronting the beliefs about ourself, It takes courage. It really does. It takes courage to continue to show up and to keep trying. It takes courage to show ourselves compassion. It really does. And it also takes courage to continue to grow, To learn from our mistakes and not even mistakes, But to just learn and want to evolve as a person. I think that really takes courage. And sometimes when I'm being really hard on myself, I have to pause and realize that this is courageous. Wanting to show up fully as me, Who I am, Lovingly, It takes courage. Maybe there are some things you can think of in your life that are courageous. Seems like such a big word, But there are so many things that we do in our lives that really take courage. I look at so many of the parents that I work with and it takes courage to be a parent, To show up every single day, Every single minute for that person. It takes courage to speak up for your needs and to take time for yourself when we're in a society that often puts so much value on what we do for other people, What we do for our business, What we do at work, What we do for the community. In some ways, I think it takes courage to show up for ourselves, To really take time for ourselves. So I want to tell you, You are courageous. I hope you hear that. And the last word that I've been saying in my run is impact. Impact came to mind for me is that with my podcast and my platform, I want to have an impact on this world. If there is one person that I can impact, That I can serve, That I can encourage and uplift, Whatever it may be, That is enough. That is exactly what I'm after. And I want to clarify something about this because I want to make an impact on this world, But it's not coming from a place of I know best. I know what's right to do. You should be doing this. And I'm the one that's going to give this to you. Like I am this guru or whatever it is. That's not it at all. What I want to teach people is that they have this within themselves, That everything we need is right here within us. Everything. And what I'm here for is to give you the tools to help guide you to be a guide and maybe some things will resonate with you and maybe some things won't. But my purpose is to be a guide for you of what has worked for me. So many of the things that I will be sharing obviously are things that have really helped me and shaped my life. I feel for the better. So I want to share that with you. So love, Courage, Impact. Lately, I've been really aware of this quest for enoughness. And even this week, I found myself being really busy trying to do everything, Really trying to grow my business because it's something I'm so passionate about. I'm so passionate about serving. But even then, Even when the foundation of my why is based in service, I find myself getting caught up in what I need to do. And is it enough? And, You know, Having the perfect website or the perfect social media, Whatever it is, My mind starts to wander to those places. And so I have to remind myself of my why. So whether that's a mantra or a sentence or whatever it is, After you've done this, Noticing sensations, Investigating, Showing yourself love and compassion, Bring it back to the why. What is your why? What is the outcome that you're looking for? And often when we are on this quest for enoughness, What we are looking for is to feel enough. So it all circles back. So try these steps and see if you can bring some love to yourself, If you can bring some presence to those emotions instead of pushing them away. It doesn't have to be not feeling enough. I bring that up because that's often a common theme for me, But there can be so many different themes. So maybe thinking about a theme that continues to pop up in your life and then thinking about your why. For me, My why of wanting to learn this is because I know that this is the ultimate form of happiness, The deepest form of happiness that I will ever feel is feeling love and connection to myself. That no matter what happens in my life, If I feel that, That foundation, That anchor that will help guide me through anything that happens in my life. And then I will be showing up in relationships and friendships and family relationships, Whatever kind of relationship I will be showing up whole. I will show up whole as me lovable because I know that, Not that I'm looking for somebody else to prove to me that I am lovable. And my other why is that I want to serve. As I said, I want to continue to serve and help other people find that same connection within themselves. So I wanted to share this with you today to really shine some light and vulnerability of my process. What I've learned and going to all of my meditation trainings and silent retreats and different things like that is that we all really are the same. We all have these common core beliefs. And one of these common core beliefs is not feeling enough. Doesn't necessarily have to be because of your childhood or something somebody did to you or, You know, We can point fingers all we want. But this is common across the whole world. It's a common theme. And I think especially the way that our society is moving with social media and filters and having to look perfect and all these different things. It also perpetuates that feeling of I am not enough. I share this with you to let you know that you are not alone. You're not alone. Maybe you've been hiding these feelings and shoving them down and overworking yourself. I see you. I see you for all that you are behind everything you do for work and behind how great of a mother you are and how hard you beat yourself up. Underneath all of that is you. You are enough. If you have struggled with not feeling enough, Please reach out. I think one of the most helpful things for me on my journey is knowing that I'm not alone and knowing that other people feel this way, Too. And I think especially with not feeling enough, Sometimes it keeps us from reaching out to other people. So I want you to know that I am here to support you. You can reach out over Instagram Michelle's mindful moments or Facebook Incorporate Mindfulness. On my website is IncorporateMindfulness. Com or you're welcome to email me at Michelle at IncorporateMindfulness. Com. And if this resonates with you, Let's start a discussion and maybe this would be helpful for me to continue to talk about. So thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable. This is actually a very vulnerable thing for me to share. I feel really comforted in this community that we have together that hopefully by sharing that I allow you to feel the space where you can also share and you can also show up more authentically as you. And that wraps up today's episode. Thank you so much for being here. Music

Reviews

Lovely Michelle, I really enjoyed your talk, insights and support today. What a fabulous track. TYVM👏💯🌺❤️

This was a beautiful talk. I appreciate how articulate, vulnerable and compassionate the teacher was in presenting this tender information.