Transforming Anger Into A Healthy & Powerful Ally

Anger doesn't have a good reputation and it's rare to hear it spoken of as a natural and healthy emotion. If expressed in the right way, it not only doesn't have to hurt anyone, but it can also be a great source of energy and a valuable asset in our everyday lives. In this episode, I talk about how we are used to managing anger and how we can transform it so that it becomes a precious ally.

Transcript

I'm Ian Ritter.

I'm a psychoenergetic therapist,

And I welcome you.

This is my podcast,

Where I offer insights for anyone who wants to bring more awareness and authenticity into their lives.

Today,

I'd like to talk about anger,

A controversial emotion that we all feel,

And that in this historical moment is particularly felt.

No one remains indifferent to such an emotion,

Which awakens deep feelings in each of us.

We are used to seeing anger as a negative and destructive emotion,

So we rarely welcome it as a good thing.

But there are many cases in which anger is the indicator of something positive,

Such as when facing injustice or abuse of power,

As it helps us gauge our moral compass.

In the collective imagination,

When someone is angry,

It's better to stay away from them,

Because sticking around puts us at risk of aggression.

When we are the ones who feel the anger,

Then whether the victim is someone else or it's ourselves,

It makes little difference.

There must be someone to unload it onto.

This seems to be the norm,

Somehow someone has to suffer the consequences,

And therefore,

Since it's such an uncomfortable emotion at a social level,

Anger is treated by everyone as an unwelcome guest.

Much more uncommon is to hear about anger as a natural and healthy emotion that when expressed in the right way,

Not only does it not have to hurt anyone,

But can be a great source of energy and a valuable asset in our everyday lives.

When talking about anger,

Most of the time it's defined as a negative emotion that we would be better off not feeling.

In the unfortunate event that we do feel it,

However,

It's better to pretend we don't,

And for heaven's sake,

We should never express it.

That's why it's much easier to hear someone say,

Don't get angry,

Or stay calm,

Or there's no need to get upset,

Rather than,

I understand how this makes you angry,

Or go ahead,

Get angry.

Which sounds almost like a provocation to then get into a fight.

This is because the ways of expressing anger that we have been taught through the example of others almost always involve a perpetrator,

The one who feels anger,

And a victim,

The one who suffers its consequences.

So,

When a person is angry,

The unwritten rule is,

Someone is going to get whacked.

This is the reason for the anxiety felt by almost everyone who comes into the vicinity of this emotion,

Both the person who feels it,

Because he or she will turn into a perpetrator in spite of him or herself,

And the person who might suffer the consequences.

This happens when in our personal history,

We have observed and learned unhealthy forms of anger that inevitably lead to hurting someone psychologically,

Emotionally,

Or physically.

Therefore,

The healthy expression of anger has been confused with one of its many distorted expressions that manifest in the form of abuse,

Aggression,

Violence,

Manipulation,

Criticism,

Sarcasm,

Judgment,

And cruelty,

Just to mention a few.

So,

What are we used to doing with anger?

Many of us,

Mindful of how much we have been hurt by the anger of others,

Rather than expressing it and risking someone else getting hurt,

Prefer to keep it tucked inside.

But because anger is an energy that we cannot simply eliminate,

Let alone ignore,

Something has to be done with it.

I remember well,

Almost 20 years ago,

When I had just started therapy to work on the healthy expression of anger and was in my first session.

The therapist put a broomstick in my hand and invited me to hit on a pillow.

As I raised the stick to throw the first blow,

I smacked it hard on my head.

This gave us both a pretty good idea of how I had gotten used to expressing anger up to that point.

So,

What do we usually do with this anger?

Depending on how we are wired or how we've been taught,

We can do several things with it.

We can try to hide it by keeping it bottled up in our bodies and turning it into energy build-up,

Which physically can translate to weight gain.

Or we can turn it on ourselves in the form of self-criticism,

Judgments,

And rigidity,

Generating physical and psychological disorders and developing different types of illnesses.

Or we can dump it on the occasional scapegoat in our daily lives,

Be it a partner,

A family member,

A neighbor,

Another car driver,

A co-worker,

A supporter of the other team or party,

Someone who doesn't think it the way we do on Facebook and so on.

In each of these cases,

There's always someone who suffers the consequences.

Whether it's us,

Or whether it's the hapless fellow we come across,

Someone has to pay for our anger.

And there would seem to be no alternative.

When anger comes along,

Someone pays the price.

And by the way,

When anger towards many situations in our lives may be perfectly understandable and justified,

In this episode we're talking about those circumstances in which our reactions are disproportionate to the situation itself,

Since they are the result of an emotional and therefore energetic build-up.

But what if this was the result of an old victim and perpetrator model,

Where anger must necessarily be dumped on someone else?

What if there was another way to let it flow without anyone necessarily having to get executed?

Anger is not negative in and of itself,

But the effects of the wrong use we can choose to make of it can be very negative.

So what can we do with this powerful and uncomfortable emotion when it starts to make itself felt?

There are three important steps we can follow so that it doesn't create excessive discomfort and most importantly,

Doesn't hurt anyone.

First,

Identify it.

The first step is to recognize the arrival of anger without immediately mobilizing to hide it or dump it onto someone else.

If we're familiar with this emotion,

We may find it easy to recognize its arrival.

If otherwise it's something we tend to avoid,

A useful indicator of the arrival of an uncomfortable emotion is anxiety.

Paying attention to the fact that we may be feeling some anxiety can help us take note of the fact that underneath this layer of anxiety,

We're feeling anger.

At this point,

We have the opportunity to ask ourselves,

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling uncomfortable?

If we're familiar with our being uncomfortable with anger,

When recognizing the arrival of anxiety,

We might ask ourselves,

Could there be anger underneath this anxiety?

So the second step is once anger is identified,

It's important to try to accept it.

Making a conscious choice not to reject it but to allow ourselves to embrace it.

It's not essential to feel fully at ease with it.

We can also take note of it despite ourselves.

But not trying to send it away as soon as we recognize it is already an important step.

It can help affirming to ourselves,

I'm angry and that's okay.

We don't have to love it to be able to accept it.

It's enough to tolerate its presence without doing anything in particular with it.

Breathing and repeating mentally over and over again,

I'm angry and that's okay.

I'm angry and that's okay.

Helps us recognize it as something normal and natural.

The third step is trying to feel this anger on a physical level.

Because it's often concentrated in a specific spot in our body,

We have the opportunity to locate it by pausing for a moment and asking ourselves,

Where do I feel my anger?

If we remain open,

We may feel called to a specific area of our body because it's contracted,

Sore or particularly hot.

And other physical manifestations that bring our attention to that specific area.

We may feel called to a part of our body even just intuitively.

By bringing there our attention,

Taking deep breaths and imagining ourselves breathing inside those parts of our body,

We can help the accumulated energy to melt and flow freely again.

If we are able to do this for even one minute,

This process can have amazing effects on our emotional and physical state.

At this point,

The intensity of the anger may have decreased.

And this is not because the goal was to eliminate it,

But because if we allow ourselves to observe,

Welcome and breathe this emotion into ourselves,

It will be free to move around.

Since it's no longer stuck in a single part of our body,

It will be able to follow its natural course,

Leaving its place to something else,

As emotions often do.

Conversely,

If we try to send it away,

Its presence is more likely to linger for days,

Weeks,

Months and in some cases even years.

It's not always easy to manage to do it alone,

Especially if it's an emotion with which we have problems because we have suffered in the past,

Or because in the family it was considered an unacceptable emotion and we were taught not to feel it or show it.

In these cases,

The instinct to avoid it is strong and often comes into play automatically.

The side effects of this suppression,

However,

Make themselves felt in different areas of our lives in terms of physical health,

Relationships,

Sleep quality,

Mood and on a psychological level.

This is why when working with anger in session with clients,

The first step is to create a space in which little by little one can feel safe enough to feel it and from there gradually work backwards towards its source.

But what are the benefits of doing this kind of therapy work?

Many people think that anger is the source of our anxiety.

In reality,

It's the attempt to block anger that triggers our anxiety.

Therefore,

Allowing this anger to flow within us has also the effect of relieving internal tension.

Being calmer also allows us to be more clear-headed,

Which may lead us to recognize the true reasons for our emotional state.

Knowing what triggered our anger sheds light on our inner issues and helps us in processing them.

Having greater clarity about why we feel the way we do allows us to more easily choose what we need in that moment.

There may be something we need to do or say in some areas of our lives,

Or we may simply need to take a moment for ourselves and look at an issue that is causing us to react.

At the energetic level,

There are two main modes that we implement in order to cope with anger when we don't want to feel it.

Both are modalities that we use when an emotion arises that we perceive as dangerous,

Such as anger,

But this also applies to other emotions that we consider as such.

The first mode is an active suppression of that emotion where we channel all the energy necessary to keep it at bay.

This involves directing an amount of energy proportional to the intensity of the emotion we're feeling in order to keep it under control and not feel it.

If the intensity of the emotion is mild,

We may simply experience a little less energy than usual and a vague feeling of something wrong in the background.

If,

However,

The emotion is strong,

Then the amount of energy needed to keep it in check will be so great that we will gradually feel more and more exhausted.

The second is not unlike the first one,

But can lead us to feel exhausted and lacking in strength all of a sudden.

This happens because when faced with an emotion that we perceive as dangerous,

A sort of emergency protocol is automatically implemented to cope with it.

At an unconscious level,

We choose to flick the switch,

Cutting off power to the whole system.

This way,

We make sure that this anger can't hurt anyone,

But although effective,

It doesn't turn out to be a particularly efficient solution because we end up feeling exhausted.

Both modes involve a major expenditure of energy and the creation of blockages that over time can give us problems.

As with a river,

These blockages are like dams that periodically are created and give way,

Flooding and creating damage,

Or they build up out of proportion,

Creating other kinds of peripheral problems.

By learning to let it flow,

However,

We can manage and harness this energy in order to improve the quality of our lives.

For starters,

We find greater balance and vitality,

But there are often other benefits such as weight loss,

Improved relationships with others,

Greater creativity and other unexpected positive effects.

When this anger is not felt as an urgency we need to express instantly,

Just as when it's not a problem we need to suppress at all costs,

Then we can channel it.

It can become fuel to propel thoughts as well as actions.

Yes,

Because if the anger is not blind rage,

Then it makes us sharper and allows us to get more in touch with what is true for us and helps us affirm it with strength and clarity.

When we become familiar with anger,

It becomes a huge source of energy that we can channel into different activities of our lives.

It can become determination in sports,

Artistic creativity,

Positive aggression,

Assertiveness to affirm our rights and boundaries,

Perseverance to achieve a goal,

Resilience in the face of adversity and much,

Much more.

Let me give you an example that may not be particularly related to today's situation that might be generating anger on a social level.

It does,

However,

Give a good idea of how a dynamic related to this emotion might play out.

Sarah has just come out of a meeting at the office and goes back to her desk.

She notices she's feeling nervous,

Can't sit still and feels a strong sense of anxiety,

But she can't explain the reason for this.

Maybe it's the day,

Maybe it was the meeting just now,

But it doesn't matter.

In fact,

She's nervous and her colleague at the desk beside hers is getting a lot of messages on her phone and the constant notifications are getting on her nerves.

It's never been a problem,

So much so that even Sarah doesn't take the ringer off hers.

Today,

However,

It's different.

She tries to play it cool,

But can't focus on the document she's supposed to be working on.

She decides to put earphones with music so she doesn't hear the outside noises.

She tries to get back to work,

But no matter what she can still hear the alerts from the colleague's cellphone.

At this point,

She rips off her earphones and shouts,

Can't you mute the damn phone?

The colleague raises her head,

Surprised by this sudden aggression and feeling a little guilty,

Apologizes and deactivates the ringtone.

As the minutes pass by,

The colleague begins to feel more and more resentful of what she experienced as an unwarranted assault.

As the internal pressure mounts for both of them,

It is likely that a violent confrontation will soon take place.

Let's analyze the situation.

Something happened in the meeting Sarah had just attended that made her angry.

She didn't realize it right away,

But as time went on,

The anger began to increase in her body,

Making her restless.

Not wanting to feel what was going on inside of her,

Sarah failed to identify the anger she was feeling and the anxiety that continued to rise.

The internal discomfort and this choice to shift her attention outside of herself made her much more susceptible to external stimuli and intolerant of her colleague's cellphone.

In an effort not to hear even the phone noises,

She chose to put music in her ears,

Only delaying dealing with her anger and increasing the emotional discomfort.

At this point,

Unable to contain herself any longer,

She lashed out and attacked her colleague.

Although she does not use particularly aggressive words,

She energetically unloaded a lot of anger on her colleague who not being in any way responsible for Sarah's state of mind resented it.

This unjustified attack means that little by little,

Her colleague's anger will begin to mount as well,

And depending on how she will choose to handle this emotion,

A clash with Sarah or someone else might take place.

But let's see how this situation could have gone differently.

Sarah is sitting at her desk and feels that something is wrong.

She feels restless and anxious.

There is a document that she should be working on,

But she knows she wouldn't be able to do so.

Instead,

She chooses to take a deep breath and ask herself,

What's going on?

What am I feeling?

She remains a few moments listening to herself and realizes that she feels a lot of anger.

It's mostly concentrated in her throat as if she has a lump that won't budge.

What made me so angry?

Almost immediately,

She gets the image of her boss berating her in front of all her co-workers during the meeting a little while ago.

She felt humiliated and diminished.

This,

Moreover,

For something that wasn't even entirely her fault.

She feels it was an unfair and demeaning treatment.

She's angry at him for this behavior.

In fact,

She's as mad as a hornet.

Sarah feels this anger coursing through her veins like hot lava and continues to breathe in this feeling of heat,

Especially in her throat.

It's a fire that burns inside her and reminds her of those times when she was a child when the same thing happened with the teacher in front of the whole class or with her parents during dinners with relatives.

She never liked those public reprimands and always found them unfair.

In this specific case,

She feels that she has worked well,

And if there was a mistake,

It was the entire team's,

Which is why she doesn't deserve to be made the scapegoat.

This is the truth,

And this is what she feels she needs to say to her boss.

Sarah does not feel that she deserved this treatment and does not want it to happen again in the future.

She knows her boss values her and recognizes her worth,

But she feels it's important to set the record straight nonetheless.

This anger she feels gives her a sense of power,

Of strength in being able to go to him and without attacking him,

State how she feels and what she wants to happen in the future.

This anger helps her get in touch with the truth.

She takes two deep breaths,

Gets up,

And walks to her boss's office.

In the meantime,

Her colleague is receiving a concert of messages on her cell phone,

Which Sarah hasn't even noticed.

We've never seen it as such,

But anger can also be a wise advisor that in a state of inner balance is that part of us that says no in the face of those situations that are not in line with our values.

It's a healthy indignation.

In the face of abuse of power,

Censorship,

And anything that doesn't resonate with what we feel is right,

Anger is that energy that allows us to intervene,

Not allowing someone else to violate a boundary.

Learning to trust our anger is having a wise and powerful resource at our disposal that is always by our side and by the side of the people we love.

Like any powerful creature,

However,

It must be accepted,

It must be known,

It must be respected.

When anger stops being dangerous,

It begins being seen for what it is—a powerful energy,

A great resource,

And a valuable ally at our side in everyday life.

If you have any questions or thoughts about this episode,

Or there are topics you'd like me to talk about in the future,

Please do leave a comment and I'll gladly reply.

Reviews

Thank you for this. I’ve realised that I have a lot of suppressed anger and rage from years of abandonment, rejection and mistreatment in childhood and beyond. As an internaliser and the eldest daughter, I took on the caretaking of others and anger was rarely expressed. I have some skills in managing emotions (eg asking them directly what message they have for me) but I’m really interested in how to transform the power of anger into creative expression. I write poetry and put my anger/rage/injustice into them sometimes. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 🙏

If IT had a pin feature on a favourite list this talk would be there for me!!! Anger has always been a taboo emotion for me and until even now, sadly at 69, I have not had a useful method for engaging it. As a child I grew up with constant violent anger around me but was prohibited from expressing it myself. You can imagine the outcomes that would befall my life long challenges with no access to this sort of information. Excellent, excellent! I'm listening to this again tomorrow.

I struggled with anger all my life and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized some of it was definitely triggered by hormones. I still need to stop before I react. I wish I was better at handling that reaction. This app has helped me a lot with additional resources to solve and work through my anger. Thank you for making me feel like I am not the only one to have these issues.

Thank you this was very insightful and gave me new tools that I’m going to try out today with this new awareness

Amazing talk! Very good anger situation with the boss!

Excellent talk! Very insightful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom 🙏✨🙏

This is so helpful for me.. I'm working through MindBody healing practices and anger is an emotion I have historically run from. I recognized that this has made me unwell so I began befriending my anger and other difficult emotions... sitting with them to transform than. This has been healing. I love how you created a great scenario - and related anger to anxiety. This has been my experience. Thank you so much!

This is a compassionate talk for those of us who are afraid to express anger, whether it’s due to a history of being told we are wrong or due to a partners escalation of conflict when ever we express anger. Thank you for explaining why we must give ourselves permission to express this healthy emotion .

Very useful and so much information, thank you. Spoken a bit fast but so glad there is an opportunity to pause and listen again 😌)

Excellent insights and great things to practice to help understand Anger. Thank you!

The times I suppressed my anger it only hurt me in the end. Thank you for talking about this topic! 🙏🏼😀💕