From Self-Sabotage To Full Self-Expression: Lesson 1 (What Is Self-Sabotage?)

This is the first lecture in a series of 7 focused on helping you overcome self-sabotage so you can step into full self-expression (converted from a week-long coaching video course I led on the subject). This first lesson answers the question of what self-sabotage IS and what’s the #1 thing you can focus on to stop sabotaging yourself so damn much.

Transcript

Hey there and welcome to day one of my course on going from a life lived in self-sabotage to a life characterized by full self-expression.

My name is Ekat,

E-K-A-T,

And through my business Ruby Ray it is my mission to help successful women like yourself come alive.

I'm a women's personal leadership coach and my background is in ontological coaching,

Tantric yoga philosophy,

And cognitive psychology.

I also have a rather useless degree in statistics if anyone cares.

And that's from Duke.

So before coaching full-time I worked at Google for six years and the last two years I spent writing thought leadership speeches and articles for execs at Google as well as at some of the biggest brands and agencies in the world.

And I still really love thought leadership,

I feel like that's you know that's a big part of what I do.

But now I get to do it on topics that I'm personally passionate about like helping you overcome self-sabotage once and for all.

So on that note let's get started.

Today we're gonna answer the question of what self-sabotage is and what's the number one thing you can focus on to stop engaging in it so much in your life.

So what is self-sabotage?

Well put simply self-sabotage refers to how we get in our own way when it comes to creating what we want in life.

Behavior is said to be self sabotaging when it interferes with long-standing goals and commitments.

Example,

You want to get promoted at work yet you keep putting off working on this big project that you absolutely need to rock in order to secure your promotion.

So somehow it just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of your list and then when you finally do decide to jump into it full force it's too little too late.

Another example,

Let's say you want to take your relationship to the next level but you can't stop picking fights with your partner or breaking your partner's trust.

And here's another little example from my own life as I've been working on these videos in this content for you I've found myself just kind of getting sucked into my email and you know checking it every few minutes as if I wanted to get distracted and run out of time.

So that's a little bit about self-sabotage and you know I really think it's the worst but the good news is that it can be overcome and that's why we're here together.

Over the next week we're going to cover six different types of self-sabotage and how to antidote each one,

One per day.

But today we're actually going to start by creating a little bit of foundation by looking at what the root of self-sabotage is and that's victimhood.

So we're gonna look at victimhood and how to start stepping out of that so we can prevent self-sabotage in our lives.

What is victimhood?

Well it's a mindset but it's a little bit more than that.

It's really an orientation towards life and in this orientation you experience life as if you know you're being done to by it and you experience yourself as being powerless and helpless in the face of people,

Situations,

And circumstances.

By doing so you set yourself up for self-sabotage.

So I know all about victimhood because I kind of lived in it in middle school.

I don't know if anyone else is with me on that but I felt like I had no control over anything in my life and everyone was out to get me from my parents to my friends,

My so called friends,

To my peers,

To my straightener,

To the universe at large.

My thoughts were full of blame and pain and aggression and righteousness,

That's a big one in victimhood,

And self-pity.

And I experienced life as ironically both predictable and dramatic which is how it goes in victimhood.

My mantras were fuck my life,

Why me,

And not again.

So if any of this sounds familiar then you've experienced victimhood too.

Another way to know if you're coming from victimhood is if you find yourself spending a lot of time and energy on figuring out and explaining how things got to be this way,

How you got into XYZ shitty situation,

Or how your life got to be so bad in general in the first place.

That's because in victimhood the focus is on explanation and self-protection instead of forward action.

For example,

One of my clients is totally disempowered in her marriage and when she's coming from victimhood she puts a lot more focus on why things haven't worked out with her husband and why they won't work out moving forward instead of actually just having them work out.

And over time,

You know,

What does victimhood lead to?

Well it leads to taking fewer and fewer risks and often it leads to complete avoidance and resignation in life.

And along the way it leads to a hell of a lot of self-sabotage.

So how do we antidote victimhood so we can prevent self-sabotage?

Well,

The precursor,

The prerequisite you could say is that you have got to be more interested in having life work than in looking good.

And you have to decide that you'd rather be happy than right.

That's step one.

If you aren't willing to do that then you aren't ready to step out of victimhood.

But assuming that you can and are willing to do that,

From there you can practice radical responsibility which means relating to yourself as completely accountable for both your interpretations and behaviors and as 100% responsible for the success or failure of your relationships,

Your projects,

Really anything and everything in your life.

Responsibility is the antidote,

The antidote to victimhood and therefore self-sabotage.

And I can't even begin to tell you how empowering it is to live life from a place of responsibility.

It's what I coach all of my clients towards.

Here are a couple ways to to start living from responsibility instead of victimhood.

Anytime something doesn't go the way that you'd like it to,

Practice getting aware of what you can take responsibility for around it.

List it out.

For example,

Let's say you're going through a breakup.

Take a piece of paper and write down everything that you can own around how things ended up this way.

What did you say or not say that resulted in this?

What did you do or not do that you can own about how you got in this situation?

You know,

Same thing applies with a project not going well at work,

Right?

Actually asking yourself and you know,

Let this be a writing exercise,

What can I own?

What can I take responsibility for that got things in this place?

You know,

One example of that might be,

You know,

I actually could tell that something wasn't right,

Let's say a few weeks ago and I could have spoken up or asked for XYZ but I didn't.

That's an example.

So that's one thing is practicing being aware of what you can take responsibility for in different situations.

Another thing you can do is go on a complaint diet for the next two weeks.

Start with two weeks for now.

Don't let yourself express any complaints about anything.

Instead,

When a complaint arises,

Because they're still going to of course,

Ask yourself what is the need that I have that is not being met?

And then take action towards meeting that need.

So whether you're able to meet that need yourself and yay,

You know,

You get to be your own savior or you actually request someone to help you meet that need.

Here's another one.

When you catch yourself going into interpretations and explanations,

Which often looks like covering your ass and unfortunately we live in a cover your ass culture,

Just stop and focus instead on the facts.

What is the case?

What is the situation?

Story free.

What are the plain objective facts?

And what will you do about it from there?

And here's another one.

When something isn't working,

Your first instinct might be to approach it as if something is wrong.

Instead,

The invitation is to,

My invitation is to practice looking at it relating to it,

Not as if something's wrong,

But something's just missing.

So what's the missing thing and what are you gonna do about it?

Here's two more.

On a big scale,

To really shift yourself out of living life from victimhood,

Practice forgiveness,

Which really just means giving up all hope for a better past.

Forgive yourself,

Forgive your family,

Forgive anyone that you've that you're still holding things on to about.

And practice this in the moment as well,

Especially when you notice yourself getting really hard on yourself,

Which we successful women always do,

Right?

Choose forgiveness.

And last but not least,

I know you've heard this one a million times,

But it really can't be overstated because when you work it,

It works.

And that's practicing gratitude and counting your blessings.

So if you don't already have a journaling practice around this,

Create one.

You know,

It might be weekly or maybe you actually,

If you're really in victimhood,

Start with every day or even a couple times a day just jotting down a few things that you are genuinely grateful for.

Yes.

So that's it for today.

I hope that you enjoyed this video and I'll see you again tomorrow in your inbox for video number two.

And tomorrow we're gonna look at how to overcome self-sabotage in the form of distraction and numbing.

So if you have any feedback for me,

Any questions,

Or you just want to share about yourself and your experience,

I would love that.

You can just reply directly to these emails or email me at hello at rubyray.

Co.

Thank you.

See you tomorrow.

Reviews

I enjoyed listening to this and found it very helpful.
Thank you! 🙏

Hmmm! My victim-hood started as an adult!

Grateful…Resonates deeply! Love your humble and honest approach!!!🙏🏻♥️

Thank you, I look forward to "watching" the other episodes as I listened to this one with my eyes shut to see how I felt about taking it on. After listening I know I'm up for doing the remaining parts.

Keeping my opionions & mouth shut has given me so much more power and happiness.. thx

Thank you—I appreciate this talk and want to use the tools to help myself.

You are wise beyond your years. I will share this impactful talk with family and friends.

Interesting. My self sabotage is around substance abuse. I still look intend to listen to all of them. Thank you 🙏🏽 🌸

Great 🙏

On the nose! So great, Thank you. 😊

I totally related to this, but victimizing started to me at age 17 and i am 26 now, i would like to know if age is a problem in solving this issue. Thank you very much! Namastê ☀️

This hits the spot and I'm ready to not only sign up for your course but will be sharing this with several women I know. Thank you🙏

Thank you. Recognize a lot of this in myself. Asking a friend to help me be accountable on tackling these action steps. These are truths I know, but I got off course… again. Practicing self forgiveness and I’m grateful! 🙏🏻

Very nice job and well needed discussion topic. Looking forward to hearing more of your discussion. Thank you

Helpful for starters, just heard about this on her Live today.

Hi Ekaterina,
Amazing talk! Are your talks equally applicable for men as they are for women?
Regards,
Arpit

Thank you, Ekat! This series would be great for a live session with Q&A too.

So much insight. I definitely lead a life filled with self-sabotage. Constantly being in victim hood. When I realize all this, I do feel lots of sadness, disappointment and embarrassment for having these kinds of behavioral patterns. But the tips you have mentioned are going to really help change my unhealthy ways. Thank you for this series.