Hello,
I'm Annie Moussou,
A certified EFT tapping master practitioner.
I help women build confidence,
Set boundaries,
And enjoy healthy relationships.
Welcome to my podcast,
Hush Your Mind,
Building a Better Relationship With Yourself.
On this show,
I offer practical wisdom to help you clear fears,
Limiting beliefs,
And trauma so that you can gracefully create a life you love.
In today's episode,
I'm going to be sharing with you five tips to deal with overly critical parents in adulthood.
I grew up with an overly critical and overprotective dad.
If a buzzer went off for every judgment,
It just wouldn't stop.
When I was seven years old,
He pointed at my ponytail and scorned,
Don't pull your hair back so tight or else you're going to go bald.
If I leaned on one leg while standing,
My dad was sure to correct me.
Good grades at school didn't get me off the hook.
Even my friends feared his stern expression.
As a child,
I learned to put my needs aside and appease my dad.
Little did I know how it poisoned every aspect of adulthood,
My self-esteem,
Career,
Love life,
And even finances.
My darkest moments all trace back to this first toxic relationship,
So this subject is very close to my heart.
I hope these five tips to deal with overly critical parents bring you some peace.
The first tip is get some distance.
As soon as I could,
I moved away from home all the way across the country.
I got a scholarship to attend a prestigious college and happily packed my bags.
For once,
My dad couldn't be more proud of me.
In those first few years,
I found some relief from his nagging voice.
I dressed and acted as I pleased.
I didn't have to walk on eggshells.
As children,
We depended on our parents for our physical and emotional needs,
So we didn't have a choice.
We had to please our parents to avoid punishment.
Now that we're adults,
We can make the choice to walk away.
We can distance ourselves from abusive behavior,
Whether the perpetrators are our parents or not.
You don't have to move across the country like I did.
That doesn't fix everything.
You'll see what I mean later.
You can limit your time on the phone with your parent and you can tell them how their unconstructive criticisms affect you and request that they speak to you kindly.
Tell them that this will improve the relationship.
Otherwise,
You'll pull away.
Tip number two,
Acknowledge the repercussions.
Distancing myself gave me some space to breathe,
But I quickly realized that I now had a harsh inner critic,
That voice in our head that says we're never good enough.
No matter how hard I worked,
I felt the need to work even harder,
To always look impeccable and to beat myself up.
Though I rarely saw my dad after I moved,
The scars from his overly critical ways were undeniable,
Including needing desperately to please others,
Struggling to set and honor boundaries,
Having unrealistic expectations of myself,
Aka perfectionism,
Fearing failure and procrastination,
Focusing on the negative,
Depression,
Feeling disconnected from my emotions and body,
Hating losing control and being controlled by others,
Blaming myself for others' behavior,
Self-sabotaging and feeling worthless,
And fearing getting hurt,
Rejected and abandoned.
It took me a long time to connect the dots.
I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.
On the contrary,
These fears and unhelpful behaviors are simply the repercussions of growing up with an overly critical parent.
Now it was time to clean up the mess.
Tip number three,
Take care of your wounds.
I would have never imagined that the emotional wounds ran so deep.
The most painful one was the nightmarish relationship I had with my husband at the time.
I didn't have to look for my wounds.
We somehow managed to have explosive arguments almost every day.
My husband and I suffered from our respective childhood trauma,
So we eventually confronted the ultimatum,
Either work to understand each other or the fight would start again tomorrow.
We committed to leveraging every single argument to reveal our hidden fears hurts,
Grief and resentment.
And to our great surprise,
Seemingly stupid arguments stemmed from the past.
We did our best to apply bandages to these freshly reopened wounds.
Taking care of past hurts today lets you create a better future.
So extend compassion to yourself.
You're more than enough,
Even if it doesn't feel like it yet.
Tip number four,
Stop seeking your parents' approval.
It's a sticky habit that developed for our survival.
A parent could easily withdraw love if we misbehaved when we were little.
We learned that love was conditional and relied on our parents to feel good about ourselves.
But as adults,
This approach proves maladaptive.
Here's the kicker for me.
Even though I had stopped seeking my dad's approval,
I unconsciously transferred my pain and expectations onto my husband.
Codependency,
Ta-da!
As difficult as it may be,
We must pick up the bits and pieces of ourselves to develop our own strong sense of self.
It might be helpful to write a list of your positive qualities and read it when you're feeling down.
Instead of focusing on the negative,
Acknowledge one thing that's going your way.
Let your parents know that you don't appreciate their unsolicited opinions.
Accept that your parents might never change or live up to your expectations.
Mourn the childhood that you wish you had and steer your energy towards people who understand and appreciate you for who you are.
And finally,
Tip number five,
Empathize and forgive.
It was much easier to empathize with my dad once I healed my wounds.
Forgiveness doesn't have to be a priority,
Especially when we're still hurting.
In my experience,
It made more sense to tend to my wounds first.
I just had to control the damage.
Though for some people,
Forgiving may be the first step in their healing process.
I knew bits of my dad's painful life story.
His mom had a short temper and severely disciplined her children.
Also,
Asian families often believe harsh criticism bolsters their children's success.
That's not to excuse my dad's behavior,
But it was easier to not take it personally when I understood that he did his best.
He tried to save me from life's many disappointments.
When I imagined myself in his place,
I could see why he behaved the way he did.
I recognized his good intentions as well as his humanity.
Unfortunately,
Not all parents have good intentions.
Today,
I'm grateful that we have a mutually respectful relationship.
Ultimately,
This is an opportunity to know my true self.
My husband likes to say he has no regrets in life.
I used to cringe when I heard him say so.
What about all the mistakes,
Bad decisions,
And past hurts?
Wouldn't he prefer to avoid those experiences?
He'd give me a knowing smile.
I wouldn't be who I am today.
Obviously,
I would have preferred that my dad treated me kindly when I was younger.
But now that I've healed my wounds,
I can confidently say that I wouldn't have as much compassion for myself and others if I hadn't experienced such a traumatic childhood.
My ego doesn't like that truth.
Of course not.
It's the ego.
Yet,
The most painful experiences can change us for the better if we choose to see them that way.
Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of Hash Your Mind.
If you enjoyed it,
Please feel free to write a review.
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If you have any questions,
Comments,
Or suggestions,
Just send me a DM.
I'd love to hear from you.
May you have the courage to love and accept yourself.
Be well and take care.
