3 Tips To Build Emotional Intimacy With Your Partner - E18

Emotional intimacy plays a key role in loving and supportive relationships. The profound sense of security and trust lets each person be themselves, which then sustains the foundation of the relationship. In this episode, you'll learn the ongoing practice of healing our emotional baggage, navigating the 5 stages of a relationship and expressing our appreciation. My husband and I are grateful for our relationship today, especially after a decade of codependency chaos. Tune in to discover 3 essential tips that helped bring us closer and let us deepen our love for our each other.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Annie Musu,

A certified EFT tapping master practitioner.

I help women build confidence,

Set boundaries,

And enjoy health relationships.

Welcome to my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

On this show,

I offer practical wisdom to help you clear fears,

Limiting beliefs,

And trauma so that you can gracefully create a life you love.

Welcome to episode number 18 of my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

In today's episode,

You'll discover three tips to build emotional intimacy with your partner.

A friend of mine recently complained about her partner to my husband,

Loic,

And me during our backyard brunch.

She let out a long,

Ah,

And threw up her hands,

Nearly knocking over the pitcher of freshly squeezed orange juice.

My friend laughed sheepishly,

You two are my go-to source for relationship advice.

I humbly accepted her compliment.

She has witnessed the wonderful ups and horrendous downs of my once toxic relationship with Loic.

Years ago,

I never would have thought happily ever after would be possible.

Conflicts happen,

But we've learned how to leverage them to create a deep sense of security between us.

As you can imagine,

It took many years to repair and build true emotional intimacy.

These three tips prove to be essential in bringing us closer,

And we keep practicing them to deepen our love for each other.

The first tip is heal your emotional baggage.

The more Loic and I heal our stuff,

The closer we become.

This is by far my best advice to foster a soulful relationship.

I cannot underline this enough.

Each person enters into a relationship with their own emotional baggage.

This baggage is composed of your past wounds and triggers.

Arguments often happen because we react to something,

Like our partner's snide remark,

That triggers an old wound.

We're not excusing disrespectful behavior.

Your feelings are always valid,

But consider the idea that your reaction,

Like retorting or shutting down,

May be a way to protect yourself.

And as a result,

This pushes away the connection you're seeking.

Seemingly stupid things can provoke old hurts.

I remember Loic asking me to place the lids differently on the pans.

He explained that if the vent holes turned away from us,

We could more easily avoid getting burned by the steam as we were cooking.

Suddenly I felt the familiar swell of shame rise to my face.

I couldn't help but think I had committed a grave mistake.

When I traced this feeling back to the past,

I put my hand on my heart and gave myself some space.

A part of me,

My inner child,

Was still hurting from growing up with an overcritical father.

Nothing seemed good enough for him,

And though he was no longer micromanaging my life,

I still felt the repercussions as an adult.

If I hadn't cultivated deep self-awareness,

I probably would have resented Loic for his suggestion.

I would have unknowingly pushed him away due to my past tinted glasses.

Then a fight would have exploded.

Of course,

If that happens,

We have to forgive ourselves.

We're doing the best we know how.

As we heal our emotional baggage,

We release our fear of abandonment and rejection to allow more love and connection.

So conflicts can be blessings.

Not everyone is ready to face their feelings.

It demands us to embrace our vulnerability and risk getting hurt.

It's risky to be seen,

To love,

And be loved.

Leaving unresolved conflicts in the air creates more disconnection over time,

So make a commitment to deal with lingering issues as soon as possible.

Sometimes discussions get so heated it's challenging to find common ground.

In that case,

Consider getting some support.

This Gottman Institute article that I linked in my blog article summarizes the five steps Loic and I use to resolve conflicts.

The first step is express how you feel.

Share the emotions that surfaced during the conflict to begin to understand each other's views.

Step number two,

Share your realities and validate each other.

Describe your experience during the argument without blaming.

Understand and validate both of your experiences.

Step number three,

Disclose your triggers.

Share what provoked a dramatic reaction in you and any similar past experiences like in my story with the fear of making mistakes.

Empathize with your partner.

Step number four,

Take ownership of your role.

Acknowledge and apologize for your part in the conflict.

And step number five,

Preventive planning.

Collaborate to find ways you can both improve next time.

For example,

Setting aside time every week to discuss any misunderstandings.

Sometimes Loic and I reflect on how far we've come and express gratitude for the arguments,

Or rather how we took advantage of them to better understand each other.

Sure,

There were countless heart-wrenching moments,

Moments when I couldn't believe the monsters that emerged from both of us,

Only to find our tender vulnerability underneath.

This part of us wants to be validated and supported.

We've just adopted unhelpful ways to receive that love.

Layers and layers of heavy armor surrounding our hearts need to be gently removed a little at a time.

That's the love and appreciation we can offer ourselves first and foremost.

Tip number two to build emotional intimacy with your partner,

Navigate the five stages.

A common assumption many of us have is something is wrong if your relationship lost the spark it had at the beginning.

Yet the honeymoon phase tends to only last from six months to two years.

Intimate relationships need constant maintenance.

They demand lots of time,

Energy,

And resources.

Therapist Linda Carroll says that relationships often experience five non-linear cycles.

The success of a relationship largely depends on how well you navigate these stages.

Stage number one is the merge.

It's when you're falling in love,

There's an intense sense of longing,

You're overlooking your partner's flaws,

There's high libido,

High levels of feel-good hormones.

Enjoy the stage while acknowledging that the flood of feel-good hormones often distorts our rational thinking.

As a result,

We tend to ignore the red flags.

Take your time with any big decisions.

Stage number two,

Doubt and denial.

This is the end of infatuation.

You're starting to recognize differences between you and your partner,

There's irritation,

Power struggles,

And conflicts.

So this is the time to learn how to manage conflicts,

Set boundaries,

And communicate with empathy.

Muster up the courage to confront your issues.

Stage number three is disillusionment.

We can call this the winter season of love.

There are power struggles fully surfacing.

Some of us might become vigilant,

Others invest less energy into the relationship.

This is the time to continue taking care of the issues as they arise instead of avoiding them.

Try to show affection despite the difficulties and acknowledge the positives.

Stage number four is decision.

It's the breaking point.

There are a lot of emotional breakdowns,

Self-protective behaviors,

You might be avoiding each other,

There's indifference,

And you're contemplating leaving or staying.

This is the time to do healing work.

Learn communication skills,

Understand and take responsibility for your role in your relationship's challenges.

Commit to taking the necessary actions.

And stage number five is wholehearted love.

It's the summer season of love.

It's the healthiest and most rewarding stage.

You're enjoying the fruit of your labor,

Self-discovery,

There's self-acceptance,

Acceptance of your partner,

Lots of active listening,

Deep emotional intimacy,

And it's like you're falling in love with each other again.

This is the time to maintain self-care and stay committed to your inner growth.

Honoring each person's needs and desires nourishes the relationship,

So enjoy.

Finally,

Tip number three to build emotional intimacy with your partner is to express appreciation.

It's easy to get wrapped up in daily life and forget to acknowledge the positives.

If you both agree to take action,

For example,

We'll help each other make dinner,

Acknowledge the fact that you both followed through.

In fact,

Give yourselves a pat on your back any time you get a chance.

You can say to each other,

We did a great job.

Create a secret handshake and use it often.

Yep,

I do this with my husband.

These are the kinds of things Loic and I tell each other after hosting a successful get-together with friends.

Wow,

That dinner was awesome.

Everyone had a good time.

You're such an amazing storyteller.

You're so attentive to our guests.

It may sound cheesy,

But giving each other compliments nourishes our partnership.

Each person feels appreciated for their contribution,

Something we all desire as human beings.

Similarly,

Learning how to react differently to old triggers takes time and effort.

When we have deep compassion for ourselves and our partner,

We can more fully appreciate the smallest positive changes.

Wouldn't it be affirming to hear this from your partner?

My love,

I noticed how thoughtful you were when you gave me feedback.

I really appreciate that.

You can practice in your gratitude journal too.

Write down a couple things you love about your partner every day.

Needless to say,

Spending quality time together is essential.

Make sure to connect daily.

For example,

When you both come home in the evening,

Put down your phones and share about your day.

Affirming words and gestures boost your well-being and strengthen your partnership.

Ultimately,

Emotional intimacy matters.

Connecting more deeply with our partner asks us to express our feelings and vulnerabilities.

Emotional intimacy plays a key role in loving and supportive relationships.

The profound sense of security and trust let each person be themselves,

Which then sustains the foundation of the relationship.

It's an ongoing practice to heal our emotional baggage,

Navigate the five stages of a relationship,

And express our appreciation.

My husband and I are grateful for our relationship today,

Especially after a decade of codependent chaos.

In the words of Rumi,

To become a pilgrim on the road of love,

We had to make ourselves humble as dust and ashes.

May you have the courage to love and be loved.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of Hush Your Mind.

If you enjoyed it,

Please feel free to visit my about page on my InsightTimer profile for my website and follow me for new content and live EFT tapping sessions.

May you have the courage to love and accept yourself.

Be well and take care.