The Problem With "Should"

The word "should" can be very dangerous. By itself it may be harmless, but generally the word "should" comes with all sorts of expectations and judgements. In this episode, Glenn breaks down the problem with the word "should", and how to avoid the negative emotions that are tied to it!

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons and Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hello welcome to the show.

We are doing a podcast on should.

Should is a dangerous word.

We haven't done a podcast on just one word in a while.

You know and usually it's like love or fear or.

.

.

Yeah,

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness,

Yeah like those are usually the one word ones.

Yeah.

Should.

Should.

Should.

So I was talking with a client and I don't even remember what we're talking about to be honest but I was kind of going off on this word should and because I see it come up in a lot of situations where there's non-action.

So I just I said something like should is a hypothetical form of non-action.

I think that's what I said.

If it wasn't that was something real close to that.

If it wasn't that's what you mean.

Maybe so it's just you know it's just well like you know stuff flows out and I don't know where it comes from and when it's good I know it didn't come from me.

So it came from something smarter than I.

I can attest.

Huh?

I said I can attest to that.

Yes so yeah it definitely ain't me.

So the you know the word should a lot of times I used to see it in personal training a lot.

You know people like oh you know you'd be like hey like when I first started personal training I used to have to sell my own personal training sessions you know.

So you'd meet somebody,

Sit down,

You try to sell them some personal training and try to tell them why it's good for them.

And a lot of times they would say things like well you know I should be able to do it myself.

But you can't.

You know like but are you?

Well I haven't yet but I should be able to.

I should really do better with the way I eat.

Yeah well are you?

Well no but I should.

Yeah so it's just like you know if should is just it's something that we say and it's there's enough clarity to the things that follow the word should.

I think that tricks us into thinking that we're actually doing something.

That makes sense.

You know it's like oh well I've gained clarity on this situation.

You know what I really should do is I should really go to the gym.

If we say it forcefully then it's you know it's really good.

You know oh I should really do that.

Yeah you know what I should.

Get all excited because you should do something.

It's nothing.

Shoulding doesn't accomplish anything ever.

Doing it is wonderful.

Shoulding doesn't.

It's like you either do stuff or you don't.

Well there's also the opposite right.

There's the opposite where you're judging yourself with the word should.

Right.

I should be able to do this myself.

Right.

Should have done.

Right.

I should have been able to do this.

I should be able to you know take care of this or whatever you know.

Right.

And what that does is it gives you the ammunition to stay stuck.

Right.

So you say well I should be able to do this myself.

So I just you know it's that so there must be something wrong with me because I didn't do it.

So therefore I don't have to or it's you know it's just this you know I always say that like that fear lives in the unexamined space and should is an unexamined space.

It doesn't go far enough in one direction or another to actually accomplish anything.

You know it's just like it like that we said we should something so that means it's some sort of conclusion.

It's not.

There is no conclusion.

There's no plan to fix it.

There's no enthusiasm to do it differently or if there is it doesn't matter anyway because you're not talking about doing it.

You're just talking about should doing it.

Or you know if you've decided that you the reason that you didn't is because you should but you're just not capable.

Well that doesn't do anything either.

I should.

Yeah I'll beat myself up because I should have done that.

Well I got an idea.

You know instead of beating yourself up for not doing something that you should why don't you find a way to do it instead.

You know that's we've got to travel all the way into the solution.

That's why I say it's you know it's a hypothetical form of non-action.

It just hypothetically I'm going to do it or I'm not going to do it or I don't know because I haven't even looked into it deep enough to figure out what the heck I should means.

I'm just saying I should.

So it's you know we really have to look into follow it all the way through.

If you hear yourself saying I should follow that through and see you know where it can take you.

It could be a gateway to wonderful places you know if you say you know what I should do is I really should start eating better.

Oh OK.

That's that's a nice idea.

That's an idea.

Oh OK.

You should start eating.

OK how.

Like what's that look like.

How are you going to implement that.

Are you going to go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the stuff and then start cooking at home.

How are you going to cook at home.

When it you know like what does this entail.

And if you really start following that road now all of a sudden you start getting to the solution now you start getting towards that.

The three rules for solving any problem you know get clarity on what the problem is.

Find out what the solution is and then implement that solution.

Like should isn't any one of those three.

That's a throwback that three steps to solving any problem was like our third episode or something.

Yeah it was early on.

So yeah that's it.

Anything other than those three things it doesn't solve a problem.

We spend a lot of time navigating our way around staying stuck and should is one of those ways.

You know should can either make us think that you know we're excited so we're going we're going to do something even though we're not because we don't have any plan or it can beat us beat us up and prevent us from taking the steps because you should be able to do it on your own.

Well so should is about expectations right?

Should is either the expectation you have for yourself or the expectation that other people have for you.

Like you know the word hide directly I feel like to this thing of expectations and judgment.

You know judgment like are just the they're pulling on either side of the word should.

Yes like that's that is should breeds or is bred from expectations or judgment.

Yes it's an egoic word.

It's all based around ego you know if we're you know we talked about saying it about ourselves but you know like you just said it's you know we use it on other people even more.

Yeah they should do that.

Yeah they should do that.

We have no idea what they should do.

We don't know what they've been through.

We don't know what their capabilities are.

We don't know what their in capabilities are.

We don't know.

We have no idea about anything about that person.

You know it's like you know homeless people are perfect.

They should just get a job.

Oh really do you have any idea why they're there.

You know and maybe maybe there's some of them that should just go get a job.

Maybe but you don't have the information to make that decision.

You know it's not it's not like it's a blanket statement.

You know there are things that that cause things in this world.

So you know a lot of times you know it's like you know drug addiction and stuff is so misunderstood.

It's getting more understood thank God.

But you know people look at it.

Oh they should just stop.

People yeah of course they should you know like but they can't.

That's the whole problem.

Like if people were sitting there with a drug or alcohol problem and said hey you know what I'm destroying my life and the lives of everyone that I love and everything's falling apart.

What I should do is just stop.

And then they're capable of stopping.

We would literally have no addicts or alcoholics on the planet.

Not one.

Because it's pretty obvious that you should stop at some point.

You know but there's there's more pieces to it than that.

You know there's something that's preventing them from doing that.

And that's what needs to be dealt with.

So it's yeah it's it's such a judgmental word like you said.

You can sit on the outside and it's a form of complaining.

It should be like this.

Right or we're judging ourselves.

Right which is even.

We should be doing this.

We should be.

Yeah I don't know which is worse.

I guess they're both equally as bad.

Judgment another one of the original episodes of the show from the first like 15 or so.

And not having expectations.

I mean there is there ever a time when should is a good word?

I don't think so.

I don't really think so.

I mean it can be.

It works better than you follow it like you said.

Right yeah.

I mean it could be a leaping off point but the problem is it's an end game for a lot of people.

That's where they stop.

And I mean yeah you could be like you can have an idea and say hey I should do something about this.

And then if you follow that thought and actually figure out what you should do about it and take the action.

Well now you're onto something.

You know now you've now you've got a solution.

But you just can't stop there.

That's the problem.

It's you know like the again the personal training thing it's like and of course I'm talking about people that have the money to hire a personal trainer.

There's people who have the money to hire a personal trainer that they go no I should be able to do it on my own.

There's no reason why I can't do this on my own.

I shouldn't have to pay somebody to get me to exercise.

Why?

I mean why does that mean like you're a bad human being?

Like is God going to be like you know at the pearly gates be like you know they lived a wonderful loving life and really touched a lot of people in good ways.

But I'm sorry you're going to have to go burn in hell for eternity because you hired a personal trainer to better yourself.

And that's you shouldn't have had to have done that.

I mean it's we get so caught up in these like you said expectations of what we should be able to do and what we shouldn't be able to do.

It doesn't really matter if you should or you shouldn't.

What matters is are you or are you not.

That's what matters.

So if you're sitting there and you're not working out and you go I should be able to get to the gym three days a week without hiring a personal trainer.

But I'm not.

Okay fact you're not.

That's really important.

Like so what do you need to do to change the fact that you're not going to the gym.

And then take that action.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be hiring a trainer.

You know you can pack your gym bag and put it in the car.

You can you know write out a schedule figure out when you're going to go and then make sure you do.

You can hold yourself accountable.

But if you try doing all those things and it still doesn't work then keep looking for the solution instead of settling into oh I should be able to figure out a way to do this on my own.

But you're not.

Why do we like to stay stuck?

Because it's comfortable.

Yeah why do we shit ourselves to death?

A lot of it is just the subconsciously we think it's easier.

Because you know really we've been trained to live this way since we're little children.

You know we're literally domesticated into living life in a way that literally does not work.

You know I mean look around it doesn't work.

You know so where things that people accept as normal is absurd.

Well I should be like you know this is a good example.

I should be able to do it myself.

And then like five people be like yeah you know what you're right you should.

What does that mean?

That's a statement that means literally nothing.

It doesn't change the situation in any way shape or form.

But why you know thousands and tens of thousands and millions of people will just literally accept that as an actual statement without dissecting it going into it deeper and being like oh that doesn't actually really do anything.

Like if you say you should do something that like nothing changes.

You realize that if you say you should do something and that's all you do you're going to be the exact same spot five years,

10 years,

20 years down the road.

Probably worse because the world is spinning and you're not moving forward.

So it's you know actually worse but nobody slows down enough to realize that you know.

And that's what we need to do is just slow down and dissect these things that we take for granted and people just say so flippantly and just be like does this actually make sense?

Is my life getting better when I say I should do something?

No nothing changes.

Oh well then maybe you should do something different.

How do you feel about the pressure of should from others?

Like for example you talked about like homeless people should get a job.

Immigrants should go back to their country.

You know moms like the internet is full of people shooting other people to death.

Like you know the judgment that you get in anything like you know moms shaming other moms because they should be able to like breastfeed their child until a certain age and not use formula because formula is bad.

Or like you should do you know you should do anything.

And like there's so much how do you feel about the added pressure of should in the age of the internet and everybody having an opinion and sharing their opinion and yelling their opinion at you?

Yeah it's just it's white noise you know.

It doesn't do anything.

It's just a bunch of noise.

And it's you know it's I understand that the internet has made it worse to some degree just because it's easier.

You know you can just sit there and oh we should do this we should do that we should do this.

That doesn't change anything.

There's no action in there you know.

So we should no we should discuss it.

Why?

Why should we discuss it?

Are we going to come to a solution and then implement that solution?

Because if we're not I have no interest in discussing it.

You know it's the it's judgment you know.

We need to one of the founding things that is the problem in this world is that we don't give people space to be who they are.

We think that we're all supposed to be the same and we're supposed to think the same and we're supposed to do things the same.

And we're not.

We're literally not.

It's just there's eight billion of us and we're all supposed to be different.

It's the whole point of it.

Like you know that it's the whole point.

It's the I kind of stumbled on this idea.

You know there's the I think that there's a reason that the that it's not natural to have children with your family members.

Like this is part of nature.

Like if you're you know if brothers and sisters are having kids together there is nature will actually kick out birth defects in a lot of situations because nature is kind of saying hey not really the direction we wanted you to go.

You know so what that that and I was I was thinking about this and it was like well I you know I like to understand why things are the way they are.

You know it's like what the hell is that.

You know why would and I'm thinking like it's because of diversity.

You know nature wants us to diversify.

It wants us to be diverse.

It wants us to be different.

So much so that one of our core instincts is driven by making our species different.

You know like it nature is pushing us in that direction.

So it's like you know I think that that's a foundational principle is that we are supposed to be different and unconsciously what we we think that everybody is supposed to think and be like we are and we're not we don't we don't know everything and we don't know anything.

You know one of the coolest spiritual principles is that you know the the more you understand the less you know.

Like when you get that when you start heading in that direction that's when you're really standing on some farmer spiritual ground.

That's why I said earlier like when something really good comes in I know it ain't me.

I speak passionately because that's how I am and I believe this stuff to be true because of you know all stuff I've experienced and learned and all that stuff.

But I mean I could be completely wrong and 90 percent of it I don't know.

You know who am I to say.

I'm a teacher expressing my views but I don't pretend that I you know fully comprehend the mysteries of the universe.

I just speak the way that I see things and people that connect with that.

It's helpful.

It's helpful for their lives and that's why I do it.

You know.

But yeah it's thinking that we're all supposed to be the same and look at things the same and function the same is just it goes against nature.

It's silly and it's absurd.

And if we can stop doing that and just focus on ourselves.

Focus on becoming happier peaceful more loving beings and part a huge part of that is giving space for other people to be how they are when it doesn't affect us.

I'm not saying if somebody breaks into your house I'm not you shouldn't run at them with a peace sign.

That's not what I'm saying.

You can defend yourself.

I mean you know there's times when you to take action.

Your analogies and examples today have been crazy.

Yeah they really have.

Peace damn it.

Peace.

You know like I mean there's times to take action.

It's just but for the most part nine especially you know we're in the United States.

Ninety nine percent of most of our lives is not life threatening.

It's just not you know and we act like it is.

It's just relax.

Give people space to be where they are and if you want to walk towards solution with some with a particular issue then do that and do it out of love.

And you know this world would change a lot quicker if we did that.

Instead we're in this anger energy and we have to fix this.

You ain't fixing nothing like that.

You're not fixing anything without energy.

But if you just center yourself and be like you know what we need to walk towards a solution out of love.

I guarantee you you'll find one.

Yeah.

You know and you'll actually make ground in areas with that energy.

Well you know should we I was trying to make a pun on should and I don't want to now.

Of course like I should do it.

How do you detach from other people's shoulds?

You know you talked earlier about like if you take your should when you think of the word should that you should do something follow it to the end or don't use it.

How do you stop yourself from taking on the other people's shoulds that they're putting on you?

Yeah.

You know that's a good point and it takes care of a lot of things that are attached to this.

It's really standing farmer in your reality.

This is why all work is self-work.

It's because you know the question is how can we stop outside influences from affecting us and subconsciously our mind says see there are outside influences affecting us that are outside us.

They're external.

How do we control external circumstances?

And the answer is that you never control external circumstances.

The answer is it's always inside work.

It looks external but the only way you know that there's two ways of going after this one works and one doesn't.

And one way is going okay we're gonna you know I'm gonna be your teacher and I'm gonna try to teach you how to control other people so they don't say things that upset you.

If any teacher ever says they can do that please walk away because you can't.

I mean how could you possibly control what everybody else does on you know in the world towards you in order to arrive at a happy place?

You can't.

You can't control everything outside of you to feel happiness inside and that's not where it comes from anyway.

So the more you work on yourself the more firmly you can stand in your truth then somebody can say they can should you all day long and doesn't really matter you know because you just stand it doesn't affect you.

So he says oh you should you know you should really do your podcast different.

No I don't think I will.

Because this is just authentically me and I enjoy it and you know the people who like to listen to information in this particular way they enjoy it too.

So I'm gonna do it like this because I enjoy it and the people who are supposed to connect with are enjoying it.

That's my perspective.

Now somebody can sit down and try to change my opinion on that for two hours and they're gonna land right in the same spot as when we started because that's just how I am.

That's something somebody else said isn't going to change my opinion on it you know.

I mean if they have some good points I might try to listen if I'm in a good mood.

But it's like the firmer we stand in our own truth the less all this stuff matters.

Somebody can be like oh you should do that.

No.

Oh yeah let me tell you why.

No you're telling me why you should do it.

You're not telling me why I should do it or why you think I should do it.

Which doesn't really matter because it's not your life.

Last question because we should wrap up this podcast soon.

And that is is there a word.

Will we?

We'll go through to the end and will we wrap up this podcast soon.

Yes.

Okay.

We will because there's only so much storage space in a month.

So we will I mean sometimes we go over a lot but we probably will wrap up soon.

Anyway last question is there a word that you would replace should with?

Will I will?

I think it's yeah you know kind of how we touched on earlier.

It's should I mean there's no power to a word so the actual word should is not necessarily anything wrong with it as long as it's a stepping stone somewhere.

And that's what we need to you know remind ourselves and train ourselves.

If I hear that word should I need to go further with that.

That's just a bridge somewhere you know.

So where is that bridge leading?

I need to figure that out and follow it all the way and either decide to take action or not to take action.

And if what you're doing isn't working for you you shouldn't keep doing that.

You should find another way to do that.

You should follow it further but sitting in that space of I should just never accomplishes anything.

So don't worry about what you should do and what you shouldn't do.

Worry about what you can do and what you can't do.

And if you can't do something and there's an accomplishment that you want to reach at the end then find a way to get there.

You know it's like there's obstacles to everything.

You know that's life.

It's an experiential world we live in.

We're supposed to experience things and overcome things and work towards things.

It's just part of the game you know.

So don't let something stop you.

If you think you should be doing something then find a way to do it.

Don't sit there and sit just because you should.

If you should then do it.

You just got to find a way and whether you need help or whether you can do it on your own that remains to be seen dependent on the situation.

But find a way to do it if you should be doing it.

I liked this one.

So Glenn you can find Glenn.

GlennAmbros.

Com.

You can call him.

You can email him.

You can hire him for as a life coach.

You can send him stuff.

Send him questions for Find Questions with Glenn.

Video versions of the podcast are out.

Patreon.

All sorts of stuff.

You know everything.

The hub for Glenn Ambrose is GlennAmbros.

Com.

So anywhere you want to find Glenn go there.

And your book man.

And my book.

Check out my book.

It's out and available to you.

So you know it's a great way to get a lot of this information all at once and have it in your house that you can refer back to it too.

One thing that I didn't necessarily plan on this but it has a lot of small chapters.

Which I actually like reading books like that myself because you know my ADHD kicks in and I'm not a huge reader.

So if I can just really get a complete thought in on a subject in a short amount of space and wrap my brain in it.

Then if I feel like reading more I'll keep reading and doing more.

But if I don't feel like reading more at that particular time at least I got one concept in.

Right.

And it's really good to like when you're struggling with something you can just scroll through the contents.

There's like 60 chapters in the thing.

So you can just go and be like okay what am I struggling with?

Oh this.

There's a chapter on it.

Go get that instant help that you need.

So yeah check out the book.

The reviews are in.

People are loving it.

People are starting to tell us that they're reading it.

All good so far.

All good so far.

So all right.

Thanks for listening there buddy.

Go check out the book and we'll talk with you soon.

Thanks.

Reviews

Another great episode! Thank you!

Thank you, Glenn, for another GREAT and very MEANINGFUL Discussion on “Should” and how damaging it can, MOST OF THE TIME, hinder Personal Growth❗️🙏🏻💕

Another useful insightful discussion, thank you gentlemen, blessings 💙 x

Excellent. Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏

I want listen, I want to start, I want to accomplish. I will take those first steps. Those are the hardest for me.
You SHOULD know that you're amazing and so inspiring. Hugs! X